Family rules/consequences posted?

[kathkath]

I'm wondering how many of you have your family rules and consequences (for breaking them) posted, and what they are??

[kathkath]

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[kathkath]

bump

 

 

please? :tongue_smilie:

[lllll]

..

[kathkath]

ah, 6 and under :) But I'm interested in the elementary age span, looking ahead.:D

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

we tried it but it didn't stick. I found that the rules/consequences were too rigid. I like to take the situation as it arises and then parent accordingly. For the things that happen over and over again, the kids know the rules and consequences. I also reserve the right to extend grace to any child at any time if I can see there is an underlying problem, which the posted rules/consequences didn't seem to allow for.

 

I know this system works very well for some families, we're just not that type of family, I guess.

[fairfarmhand]

Basically I started thinking about the stuff that my kids did all the time and wrote them down. W/my dd 12 we did more of SCHOOL RULES since that was the time that she struggled the most. No arguing. If your frustrated ask for help in a polite tone of voice. No throwing books or otherwise being destructive. If you don't put forth effort after X amount of time, I will no longer waste my time assisting you.

 

I'd think for the under six crowd it might be more simple

 

Never argue with or correct an adult (I remember writing this one down for my eldest around the time she was 6 or 7). Then underneath that rule, I would write down some examples so that they understood exactly what I meant. (I didn't mean her not correcting me say when I thought she wanted apple juice and she had asked for orange. I meant more of an obnoxious correction.)

 

Mind your manners (I would spell out the most common infractions of this rule...close your mouth when chewing, no burping at the table, please, thanks, etc.)

 

Chores are to be done before breakfast (at my house, morning chores are make your bed, get dressed, feed an animal and put away all items of clothing that are not in their places)

 

Then you can add things like, dinner won't be served until your toys are put away; hang up your towel after bathing; treat other's the way you want to be treated;

 

We preferred to be pretty general in our rules. For instance, treating others like you want to be treated covers a ton of ground.

[mrssnow]

We have not posted ours yet as I am still tweaking the rules wording but we plan on posting them like this

http://lindseycheney.blogspot.com/2009/09/family-rules-canvas.html

The consequences will not be posted in this project but they are aware of them and then we just follow through.

I have found that consequences here need to be established ahead of time or I get too frustrated and overreact or dd takes advantage of my not knowing what I am going to do right away. I am all for posting and predetermining consequences even though there may be exception from time to time based on individual situations. After all we have "...be swift to hear, slow to speak..." James 1:19 right ;-)

[dirty ethel rackham]

we tried it but it didn't stick. I found that the rules/consequences were too rigid. I like to take the situation as it arises and then parent accordingly. For the things that happen over and over again, the kids know the rules and consequences. I also reserve the right to extend grace to any child at any time if I can see there is an underlying problem, which the posted rules/consequences didn't seem to allow for.

 

I know this system works very well for some families, we're just not that type of family, I guess.

 

:iagree: I guess we are more of a "principle" family rather than a "rule" family. You make a mess, you clean it up. You are considerate of the other people who live here or they will not want to be with you. You don't hurt other people or damage property. I prefer teaching to punishment. Not every infraction needs a punishment. I have also had many situations where extending grace has allowed us to get deeper into what was causing the misbehavior rather than just punishing and moving on until the next infraction.

[mrssnow]

:iagree: I guess we are more of a "principle" family rather than a "rule" family. You make a mess, you clean it up. You are considerate of the other people who live here or they will not want to be with you. You don't hurt other people or damage property. I prefer teaching to punishment. Not every infraction needs a punishment. I have also had many situations where extending grace has allowed us to get deeper into what was causing the misbehavior rather than just punishing and moving on until the next infraction.

 

 

I learned the hard way that no visible to them consequences leads to serious problems. I totally bought into that idea that teaching principles didn't require punishments but example and natural consequences. I won't even go into what happened due to this style of "discipline" because I think it is embarrasing to my dd and a breach of her confidence but the problems we had to deal with were serious infractions on our innate authority and really confused my dd as to her role in the family.

 

There were no modeling of behaviors even near to the ones she exhibited on the part of my Husband or I so there was really no other factor for them other than she could not see the natural consequences and did not care about those when they were pointed out to her enough to stop the behavior. There is no way to "not be" with your child you have to be with them and be present to watch and care for them. After much torment and consulting with our spiritual leader we realized enforced consequences are necessary for them to see the effect their behavior had/has. Of course try to keep it natural but to just talk or point out natural consequences and expect a small child to care and understand that it is wrong doesn't work.

 

I have heard lots of online testimonies about how no punishments work and their kids are just great yada yada but fact is I have never seen those children and cannot confirm those testimonies. The one family I do know in real life that preaches this actually has children that in my opinion are very disobedient and rarely listen to their parent's. I am good friends with this Mama and while she is a great person in general she is blind to the things her kids do in front and behind her back. She praises them constantly to others saying how well-behaved they are etc but I have yet to see them do as she asks once whether the issue is serious or not and they backtalk each time. Now I am not talking about silly requests like sit still that would be insane or that kind of authoritative stuff but I expect my child to listen. For example if at the park she starts throwing rocks where it could hurt other and I ask her to stop, she should stop or if when dd2 was an infant she went to pick her up and I asked her not to etc that is the kind of things her children ignore and continue to do or lick peoples faces, hurting or disrespecting others etc. So while it sounds great in theory I no longer believe it.

 

I once heard someone say to look at children you like the behavior of and attempt to do as their parent's do because while books and talk may sound good they lack visible proof. After my own parenting experience I am inclined to believe this and try to follow the example of those I observe to live and be as I aspire to be and have my children be. Of course not basing on superficial appearances but those I can observe up close often.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Well, my children are, for the most part, very well behaved. Not perfect. I can't say that we never punish, but it is not the first thing I pull out of my tool box. I parent from the relationship and an over-emphasis on punishment/consequences hurts our relationship. They don't want to make others in the house unhappy. They are, for the most part, unselfish people. Does it mean they do their chores to perfection without prompting every single time? No. Do they always remember to do what they are supposed to? Not always. They are children - works in progress. But they don't sass me; they respect my authority and generally want to please. Right now, my oldest son is doing dishes that have piled up without my asking (we don't have hard and firm chore charts - just everyone is expected to pitch in.) Now, he did think we had history club here starting in a few minutes (wrong day) and figured I would be asking him to do so. Most parents find my kids easy to be around.

 

I don't think it has to be an either/or proposition, but each family needs to find the balance that works for them. My sensitive kids react very negatively to punitive parenting and thus, it does not have a positive affect on behavior or attitude.

[Entropymama]

It sounds like I'm in the minority here, but I love having clear rules and consequences posted. I am the parent, so I can always give grace when I feel it's appropriate.

 

For example, we have a rule (or call it a principle) about attitude. You don't talk back, you're respectful and you don't whine. My kids (8 and under) have a chart with five spaces. They start on the 'smiley face' space. If they throw an attitude, they move their marker to the 'less smiling but still happy face'. A second offense gets them moved another space and so on. The consequences are different based on the ages of the child, but it's much easier for me to say "you chose to have an attitude knowing that the consequence would be no TV tonight" than to deal with each instance as it arises. It helps keep things fair and predictable for our family.

 

Maybe this works for me because we have a large family - I have 5 and babysit 4 more, so we need consistency.

 

One great resource I've found is The Well-Behaved Child by John Rosemond. I think he's unneccessarily harsh at times, but that's probably because the book is written for parents whose children exhibit discipline problems. For the rest of us it still have good ideas.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

This conversation really highlights how each family is different, each child is different and no blanket rules can be applied across the spectrum. That is why I hate parenting books that say, "This always works" because nothing *always* works for every family/every child. Just because the posted rules thing doesn't work for dirty ethel rackham's or my families, doesn't mean they are wrong or that our methods will work for every other family. This parenting thing is a "learn as you go" deal.

 

I must say, I even parent my children differently, according to their personalities. Where one may need very clear verbal instructions, time limits & consequences (if you do not pick up your dirty underwear by the time the timer rings, you will not go outside), the other may simply need a prompt (did you forget that I asked you to pick up your dirty underwear?). This does not mean I'm not fair (although I have been accused of such), just that different personalities need different things. Not fair would be to apply a rule that works for someone else (or some other family, or that I read in a book) when it clearly is not a good fit for my children.

 

I have tried the chore charts, written rules/consequences, etc. and really, they caused more problems for our family than they solved. I do not think I am blind to how my children behave (they can be sweet or monsters, after all they're children); they obey me (for the most part - they're human, after all) the first time I ask them to do something. I would never imply that my method of childrearing would work for everyone, nor would I imply that someone who has found different methods to work better for his/her family is somehow simply ignorant of their children's horrible behavior. I simply say: this is what works for me.

[justamouse]

Well, my children are, for the most part, very well behaved. Not perfect. I can't say that we never punish, but it is not the first thing I pull out of my tool box. I parent from the relationship and an over-emphasis on punishment/consequences hurts our relationship. They don't want to make others in the house unhappy. They are, for the most part, unselfish people. Does it mean they do their chores to perfection without prompting every single time? No. Do they always remember to do what they are supposed to? Not always. They are children - works in progress. But they don't sass me; they respect my authority and generally want to please. Right now, my oldest son is doing dishes that have piled up without my asking (we don't have hard and firm chore charts - just everyone is expected to pitch in.) Now, he did think we had history club here starting in a few minutes (wrong day) and figured I would be asking him to do so. Most parents find my kids easy to be around.

 

I don't think it has to be an either/or proposition, but each family needs to find the balance that works for them. My sensitive kids react very negatively to punitive parenting and thus, it does not have a positive affect on behavior or attitude.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

And I have seven.

Edited May 21, 2010 by justamouse