Can a PO box be rented without giving a street address? Need to protect Sis

[FaithManor]

Does anyone know about this? Our local post office is closed for the day and I couldn't find any details about their policies at the usps website.

 

My parents are heading out tomorrow to get her out of the slime's house. She will have to stay in the state there until she gets the divorce finalized. Well, she believes that she must and my parents function under this assumption, but I personally think that a good divorce attorney here could handle it and she wouldn't have to file from his home state.

 

Since she refuses to come here until her decree is finalized, I am wondering how to keep him from getting her physical address. I thought about renting a PO box for her. However, he will of course see this listed on the legal paperwork (and that's assuming that the court does not require her to provide a street address) and I don't know what their privacy policies are. Could he just walk in and demand to know what the street address is for the person renting that box number?

 

Anybody know? Part of me hopes not because that would mean that in all likelihood, you or someone close to you has had to hide from the criminally minded.

 

She can't get a restraining order either. The prosecutor said their state doesn't issue them unless she has been physically assaulted by him and he is found guilty or the assault is at least verified by emergency room personnel. Nice policy....we'll protect you after your dead but not before!

 

Faith

[Jean in Newcastle]

Faith, What you had posted before said that he asked for the divorce. If there have been verbal threats or physical harm, she can call a domestic violence hotline. She can stay at a shelter (which keep their locations very well protected) while she files. I'm sure they have a way to get mail without him finding the physical location of the shelter. Either way, I think a domestic violence hotline should be able to give her good advice on staying safe.

[Hockey Mom]

She can't get a restraining order either. The prosecutor said their state doesn't issue them unless she has been physically assaulted by him and he is found guilty or the assault is at least verified by emergency room personnel. Nice policy....we'll protect you after your dead but not before!

 

Faith

 

Wow.

 

WRT the post office box, they required my photo ID (driver's license) in order to register my box. I don't recall them asking me for my address, but they may have used it from my license.

 

This is what I found online:

 

http://faq.usps.com/eCustomer/iq/usps/request.do?session={2f2a80d0-588a-11df-7bab-000000000000}&event=1&view()=c%7Bcf7f2300-6c42-11dd-483b-000000000000%7D&objectId=&eksObjectId=&objectType=Case&isJumpEnabled=false&isContentJumpEnabled=false&vendorKey=&objTitle=&versionId=3702&searchProperties=type:natural&naturalAdvance=false&allStr=&phraseStr=&anyStr=&noneStr=&keywordStr=&tTitle=&topicFromSub=&topicsORSubUrl=&report(0000)=p{409592d0-6974-11dd-e6c4-000000000000}&bcobjectId={409592d0-6974-11dd-e6c4-000000000000}&search=PO

[MomLovesClassics]

Yes, the PO did ask me for my physical address. I had to put it down when I filled out the form. I am unsure if you could say that you don't have one, or live in a shelter. Also, the PO is NOT allowed to give you physical address to anyone other than law enforcement officals.

[FaithManor]

Thanks. Yes, he did ask for the divorce and wants her to leave. But, the undercurrent is threatening.

 

Let me just say that in her area, the cops are ignoramouses! Hate to say it. The women's shelter is not an option, because he has actually volunteered there for security! So, he knows where it is at and even has a key. Its like the fox guarding the hen house.

 

We are assured by Aunt and Uncle that theirs is the most corrupt county and township in the entire state and that she will absolutely not receive any legal assistance in keeping him away. I really don't know why she is convinced that she must absolutely remain in that state. It doesn't matter who files the paperwork first, I can't imagine that she can be forced to remain a resident there as long as the court can forward legal documents to her. However, she absolutely believes that she can't flee until everything is finalized.

 

We don't think he has actually filed yet. She drained the checkbook and so he may not have the money to pay his attorney's legal fees until his next paycheck. I did find out that the bank will not take her name off the account until there is a final divorce decree. He could open a new one in his name only and then have his pay check deposited to it so she can't have access to the money, but he, as of last week, hadn't gotten all of the money out of their joint checking. So, she went and did that.

 

I'm just grasping at straws. My parents, well-meaning, just don't want to believe that she is in any danger...."He might be mentally ill, and yes he is having a serious crisis, but he would never actually hurt her!" Really, are you kidding?

 

Faith

[Dandelion]

Your sis may need to provide her street address to get a PO box, but the post office won't give that info out to her soon-to-be ex.

 

Re: staying in the same state as her husband until the divorce goes through, I'm not sure what state she lives in, but as far as I know, she can leave if she wants to. The only time that becomes an issue is when kids are involved (no kids in this case, right?). A friend of mine is going through a divorce right now - her husband moved to another state and then filed for divorce in our state. She's here - he's there. He has called in to the one court hearing and mediation meeting they've had so far (so it doesn't appear to be an issue).

 

I hope things work out for her!

[FaithManor]

No, they did not have children, thank goodness. He does have two girls from his previous marriage and sis is very concerned about how they are going to turn out in the end. Their mother is just as nutty as he is turning out to be.

 

Aunt and Uncle have been contacted and are getting her a better attorney. I am so grateful to them.

 

But, get this.....my mother just stopped by. She and dad are not going down to move her out! My "I can't believe my life is falling apart" sisterin denial of just how seriously mental he is, sister, says that despite everything he has done and said, she is just certain he would never actually hurt her!!!

 

My parents are just soooooooooooooooooo relieved and says my dh and I are the "over-reacting" family members.

 

Oh, and get this.....I was taken to task about my unChristian attitude because I do not appear to believe that God can work miracles and restore marriages! Yep, that's right.....I'm the bad guy now.Well, yes I am a Bible believing Christian, but that doesn't mean I am given to naivety and gullibility.

 

My in-denial sister, whom I thought I had convinced to get out while the going was good, in a desperate attempt to not address just how bad this is, begged him last night to let her stay another week and reconsider going to marital counseling and seeing a psychologist! This is the same guy that she's been trying to get to go to counseling for more than 12 months! Nothing has changed. He is literally crazy to get her out and now she is going to stay another week against his will? How is this healthy? Even if there was some hope of reconciliation, how is this a good thing?

 

I love my sister very much but she has been a doormat all her life. The guy she dated previous to this one was mentally ill as well. She didn't know it until well into the relationship. At the time, she was still in college and had made it clear, BLATANTLY clear to him that she didn't want to get engaged or married until after she graduated. He showed up at her apartment with a ring anyway and when she wouldn't say yes, started throwing things and ripped his clothes. He tried to grab her but she managed to make it to her bedroom, locked the door, called 911 and the security guard for the building, and then moved a dresser in front of the door. He stayed there pounding on the door, pleading and begging her to change her mind, and was forceably removed. (This incident was from six years ago - four 1/2 years before she met bil.)

 

Are we humans that blind to history repeating itself?

 

Even if the guy said, yeah...I'll go to counseling, given his history, how could we ever trust him again? I know that if he suddenly acquieces to her requests, I can never let him around my children again and I will not be able to visit her. I am sure that in the course of any counseling, he would figure out, at some point, that DH and I don't trust him and would have really liked to have come down and clean is lousy, liar clock!

 

Grrr..... Faith

[Liz CA]

No, they did not have children, thank goodness. He does have two girls from his previous marriage and sis is very concerned about how they are going to turn out in the end. Their mother is just as nutty as he is turning out to be.

 

Aunt and Uncle have been contacted and are getting her a better attorney. I am so grateful to them.

 

But, get this.....my mother just stopped by. She and dad are not going down to move her out! My "I can't believe my life is falling apart" sisterin denial of just how seriously mental he is, sister, says that despite everything he has done and said, she is just certain he would never actually hurt her!!!

 

My parents are just soooooooooooooooooo relieved and says my dh and I are the "over-reacting" family members.

 

Oh, and get this.....I was taken to task about my unChristian attitude because I do not appear to believe that God can work miracles and restore marriages! Yep, that's right.....I'm the bad guy now.Well, yes I am a Bible believing Christian, but that doesn't mean I am given to naivety and gullibility.

 

My in-denial sister, whom I thought I had convinced to get out while the going was good, in a desperate attempt to not address just how bad this is, begged him last night to let her stay another week and reconsider going to marital counseling and seeing a psychologist! This is the same guy that she's been trying to get to go to counseling for more than 12 months! Nothing has changed. He is literally crazy to get her out and now she is going to stay another week against his will? How is this healthy? Even if there was some hope of reconciliation, how is this a good thing?

 

I love my sister very much but she has been a doormat all her life. The guy she dated previous to this one was mentally ill as well. She didn't know it until well into the relationship. At the time, she was still in college and had made it clear, BLATANTLY clear to him that she didn't want to get engaged or married until after she graduated. He showed up at her apartment with a ring anyway and when she wouldn't say yes, started throwing things and ripped his clothes. He tried to grab her but she managed to make it to her bedroom, locked the door, called 911 and the security guard for the building, and then moved a dresser in front of the door. He stayed there pounding on the door, pleading and begging her to change her mind, and was forceably removed. (This incident was from six years ago - four 1/2 years before she met bil.)

 

Are we humans that blind to history repeating itself?

 

Even if the guy said, yeah...I'll go to counseling, given his history, how could we ever trust him again? I know that if he suddenly acquieces to her requests, I can never let him around my children again and I will not be able to visit her. I am sure that in the course of any counseling, he would figure out, at some point, that DH and I don't trust him and would have really liked to have come down and clean is lousy, liar clock!

 

Grrr..... Faith

 

We have to have a PO Box because there is no mail delivery in our neck of the woods. The post office does not give out information to people over the counter - at least here in CA. However, she may have to reveal something in court. If she says- given his mental state - she would like to keep her physical address private, perhaps only the judge & lawyers will have access to that information.

[elizabeth]

Actually Sis needs to protect herself. Please consider talking to a certified counselour to establish healthy boundaries for yourself and your loved ones. Pretty soon you will be nothing more than an extension of your sister, her problems will become yours, her fears, her choices, will become the same as if they were yours. Why? Because you are all working feverishly to make sure she does not deal with or remedy the negative consequences of her choices. She will never make good choices without some serious intervention. Drama and rescue are just as addictive and destructive to the family as alcohol or anything else. Flame away if needed but I thought that someone with expertise as a lawyer and domestic abuse counselor should speak frankly. On a personal level I have not spoken to my sister for years. We email occasionally only. This is not because I wish to be punitive but I do not want her toxicity and self destructive behaviour to be my problem nor do I wish to have a shoddy example of enmeshment and codependency as a model for my dd. She will make mistakes no doubt but not because I did not make the effort to establish and work at healthy boundaries with self destructive individuals who happen to share my last name.

[MamaT]

Faith -

 

My dh owns independent shipping stores. Our stores rent out boxes just like the post office. Their mail would simply come to the store and be put in the box. They do not require an actual street address. Maybe your sister has a shipping store near her?

 

So sorry your family is going through this and you are so worried for your sister. I know what that is like.

[FaithManor]

Thank you Elizabeth. I appreciate your frank reply and have no need to "flame".

 

We are pretty furious with her as well as scared for her. That said, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink". So, if she is going to play co-dependent, mambee - pambee, doormat, she will have to play it alone. We are willing to help but only if she is willing to help herself...which, three hours ago, she appeared to be willing and ready to do. However, I am certain that my parents are going to have a much harder time letting her take the consequences for her actions or lack thereof.

 

Again, thanks for the advice. I am sorry you have had the kinds of experiences I am having with my sister.

 

Faith

[Jean in Newcastle]

Faith - I'm linking this mainly because it has the number for a national DV hotline on it. She doesn't have to go to a local shelter but calling this hotline for some answers would definitely help her.

 

http://www.totaldivorce.com/after-divorce/psychology/divorce-and-violence.aspx

[2cents]

Your sisters biggest giveaway would be her drivers license. Many people think they are tracked via postal info and while that is true, the drivers license is a big giveaway too. Have her get a pob and then change the address on the drivers license to the pob. If she explains her circumstances to the drivers license office they should allow a pob. I know this because I used to work in an agency that worked with abused women and men.

[FaithManor]

Thanks 2 Cents, I'll pass that information along to her if she ever gets her brain in gear and stops working from her "I feel so humiliated" and "maybe we could make it if I just beg him enough" emotions. In case you haven't read through the responses, I posted an update....three hours ago, she changed her mind, begged him to let her stay another week so they could discuss counseling even though he describes himself as "desperate and gleeful to get you out of my life and be single again".

 

Elizabeth, a lawyer who has experience with this kind of thing, thinks we should let go because she may just suck us into a very unhealthy cycle of co-dependency and enablement. Given how much work we have gone to in the last two days to help her, only to have her pull this stunt, Dh is inclined to agree. Since I am very emotional, and in the end, and will always feel protective of her (I'm thirteen years older than she is), I am deferring to his judgment. We have four children, one of whom is a 19 year old daughter, and we have to be careful what example we set or how much of her drama we allow into their lives.

 

Thank you for the tip. I am filing these responses away for future use, should she change.

 

Faith

[ConnieB]

Just have her use the address that she formerly lived at with him as her address...until she actually moves into another place that is legally her residence too. They want a physical address but in the 11 years that we have had various PO Boxes all over the country (when you move a lot a PO Box is your best friend, lol)....not once has anyone from the post office contacted us except through our PO Box (and then only to deliver the annual bill, lol).

 

And, the other poster is correct, the post office requires a court order to provide any information about the owner of the PO Box.....including giving another key out even with a certificate of death.

 

Now...it is against the law to fraudlently open a PO Box, so don't have her make up an address, just provide the address where she last lived.

 

I'm sorry she lives in one of those backward counties that still don't understand that previously decent men can and do turn ugly when a relationship goes sour. But...she does NOT have to go to a shelter in the same county that she lives. If she's employed, he obviously knows that address, so if she truly feels she's in danger it may be time to take a sabbitical or quit and move away.

 

Keep in mind also, that no matter the understanding from law enforcement, a restraining order is really just a piece of paper.....and if he chooses to violate it, she still only has protection to the extent that the police can arrive. Many women feel getting a TRO and filing with the police department is their salvation, but a truly determined man will find a way to harm them if he can find her...and do it all before even a good police department can get an officer to her. For truly dangerous men it is sad but true that the best thing for her to do is move away, get a new job, somewhere that he would never think to look for her (meaning not in your town or anywhere else that family or friends live).

 

I don't say that to discourage you or frighten you, but so that you are aware that a TRO is not a guarantee of safety....in fact for some men it makes them even more angry and therefore more dangerous.