I'm really sad today. Just before my sister left...

[FaithManor]

(she's been home from out-of-state visiting for a few days) told me some heart-breaking news.

 

She and her dh, marriage of two years, are going their separate ways. He asked her for a divorce before she flew home for the visit. She's handling it very well but I know its hard on my parents.

 

My dad has really good instincts about people and though he was always very accepting of sis's fiance, he had felt there was something wrong deep down and tried to talk to sis about it. She wouldn't hear it, madly in love and such, so he backed down and just got busy supporting the relationship. Well, it turns out that he was right.

 

Her dh, career military with a tour of Iraq during the first Gulf war, two tours in this gulf war, plus time in Kosovo and Somalia, has post traumatic stress disorder. Its not bad enough to make him unable to work or anything like that but it is bad enough that he's been a verbally abusive man to live with. They started out okay but he just couldn't, in the long run, handle the relationship. He says it exhausts him to deal with his daughters (two girls from his first marriage - which ended because his ex ran off with another man while he was in Iraq) and he doesn't want to work at marriage. He basically wanted a house-keeper and coordinator for his girls, but not a real relationship and managed to keep that hidden from her during their dating. When she presses for a real relationship, he gets verbally ugly and cold.

 

He told her that he knows he has problems but figures he's earned the right not to change and that he's sorry that he wasn't honest up front about his expectations but he figures, "too bad, soo sad"; that's your problem not mine because the military damaged me and I can't change.

 

He refuses to go to counseling. So, she is going to begin packing her things and probably move in with an aunt and uncle down there, briefly, until she can find a tiny efficiency apartment of her own. She'll be 450 miles away from us.

 

We'd like to have her here but she doesn't want to move in with us, and frankly, though dh loves her to pieces, I think it would be hard on him in the long run because he likes privacy and sis, is.....um....a social butterfly who flits about, literally! LOL. Mom and dad want her to move back home with them. But, moving home just doesn't seem feasible because Michigan is the stench, of the sweat, of the armpit, of the economic crisis. There isn't a job to be had even though we desperately need social workers.

 

She has health issues and her current job does have good health benefits at a reasonable price tag because she is a state employee. So, going off her DH's insurance isn't such a big deal if she stays with her current job. The bad thing is that the salary is actually rather low, so she will need a very tiny efficiency apartment, comprehensive and liability coverage only on her vehicle, and rather austere living. From a comfort standpoint, she'd be better off back with mom and dad. But, we do have to consider their situation. Dad is going to be retiring soon and due to the beating his business has taken in this recession, he won't have a very nice retirement. DH and I would need to contribute financially to sis's care while she is unemployed.

 

So, I guess she'll be sticking with her job out of state. That makes it hard because I can't really be there for her and that hurts me!

 

Her dh is willing to let her have half the household goods plus their wedding gifts and her mini-van. He purchased the house before they were married and never put her name on it so getting any equity out of that would be a fight. Plus, there are the two step-daughters to consider and she doesn't want them to have to move because he has to sell the house in order to buy her out. So, she's just going to walk away from that. I'm a little angry about that because when they were remodeling, mom and dad went down there and helped and dad installed a new furnace for them. That's an awful lot of work so that he can just put her out. But, I know that for our own spiritual health, we are going to have to let things like that go.

 

My sister asked me not to tell the kids for a while and I guess that's okay too. My sons are going to be heart-broken. Though her dh has major issues, he always managed to hold it together in front of all of us and he was AWESOME with the boys. He took them to base, they've been in places that the public normally never gets to be, climbed all over tanks, you name it. Their uncle has been a hero to them and they are just going to be floored that he isn't going to be their uncle anymore. Sigh! It happened just the same for my dd when my brother got divorced. My brother's ex, though a fairly vile - exceedingly unfaithful wife, was just wonderful to dd and they were close. Then boom....no more aunt. Hardly ever saw her again. History repeats itself!

 

Here is something strange...sis says she can get the marriage annulled because he hasn't "touched" her in six months. Is this true? I figured, if you made it past the honeymoon, you pretty much had to file for divorce.

 

This whole thing has changed her and I can't say that its for the better.

 

Thanks for letting me ramble! It helps to get it off my chest and sis isn't ready for me to tell any of our IRL friends so I need my virtual community.

 

Faith

[Impish]

Once consummated, I don't believe that six months (or any length of time) without marital affection means you can get an annulment...if it were true, there's a whole lot of folks that would have saved $ on a divorce!

 

Only thing I can think of is if he admits to marrying her under false pretenses (that he wanted a housekeeper, not a wife)...I think there used to be provisions for that to be grounds for annulment in some areas...don't know if that's still the case though.

[gaillardia]

:grouphug: How frustrating and sad for your sister and everyone involved.

[SonshineLearner]

I think she may be able to get it annulled. You can get annulments easier now than before, it's not exactly the same as... "no s*x".

 

Sorry for your sis... glad they don't have their own kids yet. It's his problem to feel bad about the girls and what he may be doing to them!

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[jenL]

I'm sorry... it's hard to want to help and to feel helpless. She may just need you to continue to listen as she goes through all this. I'm sorry for your sons... divorce is so hard and its fingers reach further than many think. :grouphug:

[Tap]

Quote from NOLO ........

 

Annulment vs. Divorce

When you can get an annulment instead of a divorce.

Like a divorce, an annulment is a court procedure that dissolves a marriage. But, unlike a divorce, an annulment treats the marriage as though it never happened. For some people, divorce carries a stigma, and they would prefer to have their marriage annulled. Others prefer an annulment because it may be easier to remarry in their church if they go through an annulment rather than a divorce.

There are two types of annulment: civil annulment (by the state government) and religious annulment (by a church).

Grounds for Civil Annulment

Grounds for civil annulment vary slightly from state to state. Generally, an annulment requires that at least one of the following reasons exists:

Misrepresentation or fraud. For example, if a spouse lied about her capacity to have children, that she had reached the age of consent, or that she was not married to someone else, an annulment could be granted.

Concealment. For example, if a spouse concealed an addiction to alcohol or drugs, a felony conviction, children from a prior relationship, a sexually transmitted disease, or impotency, an annulment might be granted.

Refusal or inability to consummate the marriage. Refusal or inability of a spouse to have sexual intercourse with the other spouse can be grounds for an annulment.

Misunderstanding. For example, if one person wanted children and the other did not, an annulment might be granted.

Most annulments take place after marriages of a very short duration -- a few weeks or months -- so there are usually no assets or debts to divide, or children for whom custody, visitation, and child support are a concern.

When a long-term marriage is annulled, however, most states have provisions for dividing property and debts, as well as determining custody, visitation, child support, and alimony. Children of an annulled marriage are not considered illegitimate.

Religious Annulments

Within the Roman Catholic Church, a couple may obtain a religious annulment after obtaining a civil divorce, so that one or both people may remarry, within the church or anywhere else, and have the second union recognized by the church. The grounds for annulments in the Catholic Church are different than for civil annulments.

For more information on annulment and divorce, see Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce, by Emily Doskow (Nolo).

 

 

 

It sounds like maybe there are grounds for an annulment. I think I would still want an attorney to help make sure everything is taken care of.

 

Sorry, to hear that it didn't work out. A dissolution of a marriage is such a heartbreaking event. :grouphug:

[FaithManor]

Thanks for the information. Apparently, he admitted to marrying her under false pretenses in front of another couple whom she is close friends with. They are a lovely, devoted Catholic couple who'd had a family member that received a religious and a civil annulment, and were the ones that approached her about the possibility.

 

I think, given what he went through in his previous divorce, that he would sign whatever statements were necessary to get the annulment if it saved him some hassle. She really doesn't want to get it into it about money, so I could see this being a real possibility for them if they have that as a legal out.

 

Sigh, she's humiliated too and doesn't want to come home because she doesn't want any of her former friends to know...but at some point, they will find out. We can't keep it a secret forever.

 

Faith

[TammyB]

That is so sad. Does your sister get along well with her step-daughters? I imagine this could be hard on them as well.

[katemary63]

So sad.....:sad: I'm so very, very sorry for your sister, your children and your whole family. Darn.

[MariannNOVA]

Grounds for annullment: Psychological incapacity for marriage -- relatively simple. If she wants it, she should get it.

 

So sorry for her and for your family.:grouphug:

[BeckyFL]

My husband has PTSD from Vietnam. PTSD is a terrible thing to live with and a long process that brings healing. I feel bad for him that he won't accept counseling. The VA provides it to veterans and he could be rated for PTSD if he isn't already. Found this poem that kind of explains what goes on inside:

 

I can't sleep, can't feel

Anything.

Time passes in chunks now --

A month passes for me

Like someone else's day.

 

Zombies don't have rhythms;

I go wherever my trance

Takes me.

Today I panic in a store,

Where danger doesn't lurk.

 

Maybe if I stay awake, there

Won't be any nightmares tonight.

But I can't go without rest forever.

It's over, finished. So why am I

Sweating? Why am I still afraid?

 

Today I saw most of my family

For the first time in a year.

Nothing felt real; everybody was a

Stranger I am supposed to know.

"Dissociation," I think a doctor said.

 

No bumps, no bruises. No broken limbs.

But my mind is shattered, along with my

Soul.

I don't know how to tell you that, don't

Know how to put the genie back in the bottle.

 

When my emotions got shut off, I didn't get to

choose which ones I wanted to keep;

They all left; they are all gone.

And it feels like there is an invisible hand

Keeping me frozen on my bed.

 

I used to care about how I looked, but now

All I can think about is what I saw, what I

Experienced; nothing seems to matter beyond

That. I will do anything -- anything at all --

To keep from repeating that time.

 

I think more now, talk less. Months of numbness

Are followed by a week of depression and tears.

I am weak, frail, imperfect.

Broken.

My identity then irrevocably altered.

 

Do I want help, you ask.

How are you going to help me?

You weren't there; you don't know

What I saw, what I did.

What was done to me.

 

How does one 'undo' a scorched mind?

Deep within me a voice mumbles 'help;'

But you'll never hear that. All you will

See is my distant, fixed stare and my

Clenched jaw. I can't take the chance.

 

How long will it be before you

Give up on me? I know it's coming;

I'm resigned to my fate. Resigned to a

Lot of things, actually. Here, in my bunker,

In Hell.

[BeckyFL]

Just an after thought. I kind of doubt his excuse of marrying under false pretenses. Most PTSD vets want intimacy but just can't get there. If he's not willing to go to counseling, he isn't facing what it's doing to him. That's a great story that can make him feel better about losing another relationship - he never really wanted it to begin with. All a defense mechanism so he doesn't have to face the truth. Sounds like there's a good guy in there somewhere. I pray that he won't continue on the path of failed relationships and a life of being alone. He really needs to get help. The sooner they get counseling the better. JMHO