Advice needed on dealing with a difficult relative who wants to visit....

[unsinkable]

Age is nothing.

 

This guy was in his late 90's and still molesting.

 

http://www.buffalonews.com/2010/03/18/991154/id-rather-die-a-weeping-sypnier.html

[Merry]

but hoped it wasn't....he did these things as an adult many, many years ago but we haven't heard of any more "activity" since. He molested his nieces while staying at his brother's and sister's houses when traveling through. This time, he is coming through here on his way to visit his son in another state. My dh said he molested girls, the nieces, not boys, but I reminded him that he did molest boys while he was still in junior and high school. The more I hear what you say, the less I want to even see him at all. And I'm concerned about the possible emotional damage to my dh if they were to get too deep in a conversation. There's some bad blood between them in this area.

And I never thought of the general behavior that goes on in the public. Ugh... I'm so sorry that some of you had to go through this with your relatives. The accompanying attitudes, suggestive talk, and inappropriate physical contact, I didn't think of that. I must be living in a bubble...I'll check out the books you mentioned. Impish, your mil sounds like some of my dh's relatives. That makes it hard because they will be quite offended and upset if they hear that I wouldn't let the bil stay here. Oh, well. So be it.

[Merry]

Thanks.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Ugh, the public hugs and stuff turn my stomach.

 

I have always, always told my kids (in front of anyone) "you don't have to hug anyone if you don't want to." I never understood why forcing kids to hug people was a good idea. Some people don't understand, but how can I tell my children to trust their instincts, that they can say "no" when it comes to their own bodies, etc., and then give in when a virtual stranger (to them) insists on physical contact?

[Rosie_0801]

I have always, always told my kids (in front of anyone) "you don't have to hug anyone if you don't want to." I never understood why forcing kids to hug people was a good idea. Some people don't understand, but how can I tell my children to trust their instincts, that they can say "no" when it comes to their own bodies, etc., and then give in when a virtual stranger (to them) insists on physical contact?

 

I used to work for Italians and they were very much into shaking hands. When previous employees came in with their kids, they'd shake their hand and give them a banana :) I decided this was a good way to have kids be polite without seriously invading their space. If an adult gets offended by a handshake, they are in the wrong.

 

Rosie

[Truscifi]

No way I'd let a pedophile stay at my house. I don't care if he's on his death bed.

 

I agree absolutely. As a former child abuse investigator I can tell you there are plenty of pedophiles that age still molesting. And even more who seem to be happily married. They can also manage to touch inappropriately in a house full of people, sometimes even in a room full of people - they tend to have a lot of practice at not getting caught. I would suggest dinner out while the kids go to a friend's house so your dh can still see his brother but your kids are nowhere near him.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

@ Rosie - a handshake and a banana. I like it! :)

 

I may find a way to incorporate that into my personal vocabulary...."oh, just give them a handshake and a banana" is now code for maintaining appropriate personal space.

[Starr]

I would have dh meet up with him somewhere more directly on his route or I would be away with the kids. If dh won't take the heat let him blame you. Who cares? You know exactly how you feel and what is best for your children. It teaches your kids how to stand up and be strong in difficult situations.

[Guest janainaz]

Nope. I would not be comfortable at all with that. While I do believe people can change, my job as a mother is to protect my kids. I would not feel comfortable with him being under my roof, and I would certainly tell my kids to watch out for him. That would make my kids uncomfortable, me uncomfortable, and personally, if he truly had any regret and change of heart, he would offer to stay in a hotel.

 

Some mistakes and choices follow you for a lifetime and that is one that is not easily swept under the rug, in my opinion.

[jld]

I don't think you need to see anybody or touch (or be touched by) anybody you don't want to.

 

I wouldn't let anybody with a history of child sexual abuse in my home. We had big problems with my extended family because we refused a family member entrance. Safe, not sorry, was my dh's motto.

 

Bon courage, Merry.

[Rosie_0801]

@ Rosie - a handshake and a banana. I like it! :)

 

I may find a way to incorporate that into my personal vocabulary...."oh, just give them a handshake and a banana" is now code for maintaining appropriate personal space.

 

Lol! I forgot to mention that we worked in a fruit shop. That's why there were bananas involved!

 

Rosie

[HayesW]

Merry, you have received lots of advice and personal stories. I suggest you simply show your husband that he is thinking about this all the wrong ways. He is trying to make it all ok. "He only messed with girls. It was a long time ago. He's married now and far too old."

 

He want this man who has abused children, to come into your home and be with your children. Ask him if he found out the same things about a lifguard at the pool, a teacher in your son's Bible class, one of y our son's friend's parents, would he be ok with letting your sons be around those people? Would he invite them into his home for dinner? Would he offer any chance that his sons would be at risk?

[Merry]

there's family history that I don't want to go into here but I can see now that I'll have to be the one to handle this for him and our children. I'm going to suggest a couple of motels to his bil myself and I will also either allow him in the house but I will go somewhere for the day and take my high school son and child with me. The two older sons are technically adults so I will simply warn them in advance. Or my dh and he can spend the time at the hotel and they can go sightseeing and eat out. I'll see what my dh wants to do. I like the point about if he was someone else like a lifeguard at the pool, SS teacher or whatever, what then? That should help when I talk with my dh about this. And I like the term, history of child sex abuse. That's perfect. It's not personal and yet it's the truth. And I'll take the blame:) if there's a need for blame to be assigned to someone.