My visit to my parents as a ministry

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've come to the conclusion that the only way I'm going to survive my up-coming visit to my parents is to view it as a ministry opportunity. This is my husband's only true vacation in the year. It is our opportunity to get thousands of miles away from the phone that rings even in the middle of the night to call him into work. He's tired. It's our opportunity to connect with family - both my family of origin and each other in our nuclear family.

 

My parents are elderly (88 and 83). They live in a lovely retirement village with all the amenities. To them, a perfect visit is to sit facing each other in the living room while we rehash all the things we've said to each other on the phone for the last 3 years - for an entire week. For a family with active kids, this is very difficult. What we did 3 years ago (which is the last time we could afford to fly across the country) was to schedule some fun sight-seeing day trips with the help of my sister. Everyone in the extended family was invited to come along. We were happy to pay for others and let that be known. Other than my one sister, no one would come. My parents wouldn't leave the retirement village, even though they are healthy and able. My other sister insisted that we wanted to be alone even while we insisted otherwise. This time, when I mentioned some day trips that might be fun to schedule, I got a lecture from my mother that I was a bad guest because I didn't stay around to sit and talk. I'd love to talk - while we do something. Sigh.

 

I've already spent some money buying clothes that would be deemed more suitable than my normal wardrobe and getting a haircut that would meet my mother's specifications. It's stupid but it is actually easier to just do it than to put up with the sighs and thinly veiled comments about my lapses in respectability. If I try to give my side of things, my mom just turns off her hearing aids.

 

Today I gave our itinerary to my dad. I told him that we've rented a car so that they don't have to come out and pick us up at the airport. I guess I'm in the doghouse again for being wasteful with my money.. .

 

We've had a ministry to the elderly for years. I should be able to smile and put up with the eccentricities of my parents. But somehow the eccentricities of someone else's parents seem easier to put up with! But I'm going to try. I just feel sorry for my dh that he'll have to put up with more stress right at a time when he really needs to get away from it all. . .

[SonshineLearner]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm sorry that it's kinda stiff for a visit. I have little to suggest, except for lots of games and ipods for your kids... Perhaps your husband could pick up some teenage hints... (you know...where kids listen to the ipod while nodding to adults) :D

 

Anyway, here's hoping that others have good hints!!

[jld]

Why don't you just not go?

[TammyinTN]

My parents are in there 60's and boy do I understand what you mean. Tis the reason I haven't been home in 5 years. I even have a free ticket. I just can't bring myself to do it. I totally understand. You have my sympathy. :grouphug:

[Danestress]

Can you think about this as a ministry to your Dh too? Can you find times when you can sit and talk to your parents but he can maybe go to a book store, see a movie with the kids, etc?

 

I totally sympathize. It can be really hard. But nothing you have said makes me understand how others can suggest you just not go at all. They are your parents. You won't have them forever. I know you know that.

 

When my father was sick, and he was sick for a long time, I spent a lot of hours just sitting in a room with him. It was hard in a different way than your trip will be. I wasn't on vacation time, and sacrificing vacation time can't be easy. But I was very stressed about just sitting there all that time when I have so much on my plate. But it helped to remember that giving my time was the best thing I could give him and is really a great ministry itself. My friend calls it "the ministry of just being there."

 

For some people, ministry to aging parents is complicated by feelings that they weren't that awesome of parents. I don't know if that is part of your case. But anyway, I hope that you find some satisfaction in "just being there" for your parents even if they weren't always there for you. And I hope your DH can just get a way a bit here and there without offending.

[Alexandra]

Why don't you just not go?

 

Or.....How about you go by yourself and do something closer to home with your dear family? I think your kids and husband should be your priority over your ministry or parents. If you go by yourself you can really just sit with your folks and be there for them without it being a major drag for the rest of the family.

Ministry...? Egads! They are your parents - not homeless orphans. Go with a happy heart or stay home.

I am the main go-to person for 2 relatives with mid to advanced Alzheimers so I do understand how trying elderly people are.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Can you think about this as a ministry to your Dh too? Can you find times when you can sit and talk to your parents but he can maybe go to a book store, see a movie with the kids, etc?

 

I totally sympathize. It can be really hard. But nothing you have said makes me understand how others can suggest you just not go at all. They are your parents. You won't have them forever. I know you know that.

 

When my father was sick, and he was sick for a long time, I spent a lot of hours just sitting in a room with him. It was hard in a different way than your trip will be. I wasn't on vacation time, and sacrificing vacation time can't be easy. But I was very stressed about just sitting there all that time when I have so much on my plate. But it helped to remember that giving my time was the best thing I could give him and is really a great ministry itself. My friend calls it "the ministry of just being there."

 

For some people, ministry to aging parents is complicated by feelings that they weren't that awesome of parents. I don't know if that is part of your case. But anyway, I hope that you find some satisfaction in "just being there" for your parents even if they weren't always there for you. And I hope your DH can just get a way a bit here and there without offending.

 

 

Thank you. There is no way I won't go. I love my parents and want to see them. I live thousands of miles away (not to get away from them, it's just where I settled after college and they lived overseas). I know that at 88, that this may be the last time I see my dad esp. Both my parents can be difficult but are not toxic. They are just annoying because they are my parents and because their needs are not the needs of my dh and dc. So I feel frustrated a bit because I feel a bit caught in the middle. Add to that the fact that on the way to my parents I have two days of Dr. tests and prodding and might be feeling ill during the visit, I have some trepidation about all of this.

 

Apparently some of you (but not Danestress!) see having a ministry toward someone as a patronizing thing. Since I see myself as having a ministry everyday to my kids, my dh, and the people I meet, I don't see it that way. I simply see it as a way to respond to others in the way that God would have me to do. I know that this griping feeling I have about visiting them is not conducive to responding in a godly way at all! So I am trying to get my mind in the right framework by reminding myself that I do have a ministry to my parents.

 

I know that my parent's reluctance to leave the retirement village is borne out of fear of leaving an environment that they know how to navigate - literally. I know that my mom's desire to sit and talk for hours is influenced by the difficulties of communicating long distance when she is almost deaf. I know that their desire to see their youngest as still a child instead of as a middle aged woman is borne out of the shock of having children who are so old!

 

I also know that if my dad were willing to accept some help from a scooter or other mobility device, he could go out with us more easily. I also know that if my mom were willing to get TTY, or to answer my letters or e-mails we could have much better communication every day. So there is some frustration there on my part. But - oh well, I can't make them be different. So I'm going to have to accept them this way and see their need instead of just the irritation.

[BikeBookBread]

:grouphug: to you.

 

Jean, are we secret sisters? My DH has a really, really hard time when we visit my parents for the exact same reasons...the sitting in the family room doing nothing for hours...etc...

 

BUT your reminder that perhaps viewing it as a ministry opportunity was SERIOUS wake up call for me. I need to have more grace when it comes to parental visitation. I love them dearly. Truly. But it doesn't make it any easier...

 

Yesterday my Mom called and talked into the phone for a solid 20 minutes without asking me one question about myself, DH or the kids. I think part of it is just age (she's 81). She is home all the time, and has no social outlet other than Sunday morning church and Wednesday night Bible Study. They live thousands of miles away, and I think they just miss us, and show it in a really strange way.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, are we secret sisters?

 

Maybe we are! Your family sounds a lot like mine.

 

God has a sense of humor. I ended up getting an emergency call to go help someone in the area and so then went and spent most of the day with the people from our low-income elderly ministry. The children and I are prepared now!

[mcconnellboys]

Click! My FIL has been doing that for years, LOL! Our parents are all in their mid-70's to mid-80's. My soon to be 102 year old Grandmother is actually easier to bear, so I hear ya.

 

I would just look at it as a ministry and do the best you can. I'm sure you've probably tried explaining that your kids need to be active, up and moving, and just can't sit and visit for days on end, which is why you thought that you adults could visit as you walk around the zoo, etc., etc..... If everyone refuses to entertain that idea, then I'd say do the best you can but still try to make sure your family has fun while you're there.

 

After all, it is your vacation and your money that you're spending on the trip......

[TechWife]

I've come to the conclusion that the only way I'm going to survive my up-coming visit to my parents is to view it as a ministry opportunity...

My parents are elderly (88 and 83).

I'll be praying for you as you travel to your parents. I am hoping to visit with my elderly parents next week as well. Sitting and visiting can be tiring after a while and when you have your children to look out for it is even a little harder. I can so relate.

 

My mother celebrated her 80th birthday last month and my father will celebrate his in May. Within the past 6 months my husband and I have each buried a brother - it's a lot to take in, loosing two family members unexpectedly. I cherish the time I have with my parents, even though it isn't always easy and I can tell you do as well. My parents have taken the death of my brother very hard and I have realized that I need to spend more "face time" with them. It is so important to them. Even if it is just reading the magazines around the house and having the same conversations over and over!

 

My parents are so willing to go out, but physically it is very difficult. I am going to be looking for a place to take them that they can handle easily - having to find handicap parking and managing my father's oxygen equipment adds a layer of challenge, but I am hopeful I can find something that they will enjoy.

 

I'll pray for you as you go!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'll be praying for you as you travel to your parents. I am hoping to visit with my elderly parents next week as well. Sitting and visiting can be tiring after a while and when you have your children to look out for it is even a little harder. I can so relate.

 

My mother celebrated her 80th birthday last month and my father will celebrate his in May. Within the past 6 months my husband and I have each buried a brother - it's a lot to take in, loosing two family members unexpectedly. I cherish the time I have with my parents, even though it isn't always easy and I can tell you do as well. My parents have taken the death of my brother very hard and I have realized that I need to spend more "face time" with them. It is so important to them. Even if it is just reading the magazines around the house and having the same conversations over and over!

 

My parents are so willing to go out, but physically it is very difficult. I am going to be looking for a place to take them that they can handle easily - having to find handicap parking and managing my father's oxygen equipment adds a layer of challenge, but I am hopeful I can find something that they will enjoy.

 

I'll pray for you as you go!

 

Thank you. I hope you have a good visit too even though it sounds like it will be bittersweet.

[TechWife]

Why don't you just not go?

 

My parents are in there 60's and boy do I understand what you mean. Tis the reason I haven't been home in 5 years. I even have a free ticket. I just can't bring myself to do it. I totally understand. You have my sympathy. :grouphug:

 

Or.....How about you go by yourself and do something closer to home with your dear family? I think your kids and husband should be your priority over your ministry or parents. If you go by yourself you can really just sit with your folks and be there for them without it being a major drag for the rest of the family.

Ministry...? Egads! They are your parents - not homeless orphans. Go with a happy heart or stay home.

I am the main go-to person for 2 relatives with mid to advanced Alzheimers so I do understand how trying elderly people are.

 

I am really struggling with the posts I have quoted above. Even though I am not the original poster, on some level, I am offended. On another level, I am appalled. I did not grow up in the most loving home - in fact, my family life was somewhat difficult. However, because I have maintained a relationship with my parents through the years and have been part of their lives, we have seen each other grow and change, even over the last 20 years. If I had stayed away (and it was tempting, believe me), I would have missed the incredible personal growth that I have seen in both of them (and they in me), not to mention all of the tender moments that we have had over the years, the celebrations and the worries over their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren (they have 6 great grandchildren).

 

I, too, thought my parents were old when they were 60. That was the year I graduated from college. They drove, had their hearing, their sight and had never had any broken bones or cancer. They were working. They were not old. Now, none of that is true.

 

I am hopeful that my 13 yo son enjoys his visits with my parents. I would be disappointed if he saw them as a drag, even though he doesn't get to do what he wants to all of the time we are there. They want to see him and my husband even more than they want to see me! It is an honor for me to serve them (with a happy heart) and I am hopeful that my son will see it as an honor as well. After all, one day I'll be waiting for him to bring my grandchildren for a visit.

 

Go, visit your parents, your grandparents. Know that there are hard things about visiting family members, but also know that those hard things do not have to define a relationship. Relationships are hard to maintain, especially if you view it only from your own vantage point. The world is rich and we have much to learn about ourselves and each other in the context of family relationships, even as adults.

[Sahamamama]

I know that my parent's reluctance to leave the retirement village is borne out of fear of leaving an environment that they know how to navigate - literally. I know that my mom's desire to sit and talk for hours is influenced by the difficulties of communicating long distance when she is almost deaf. I know that their desire to see their youngest as still a child instead of as a middle aged woman is borne out of the shock of having children who are so old!

 

Jean, someone told me once why elderly parents do this. It's because they miss the child. They miss you. They miss you. They really, really miss you.

 

FWIW, I think you are right to try (ahead of time) to set your heart in the right direction, and to see this trip as an opportunity to "minister to" your parents -- even if that means bending in their direction a lot. That's hard to do sometimes. We have to decide ahead of time that we will let go of our agendas and itineraries and goals, and just be "goal-less" but not "love-less." It's more important for your parents to be loved and fussed over by you, than for you to visit X, Y, or Z. Decide that you will visit THEM, not the geography or the sights. Those attractions will be available to you ten years from now. Will your parents be? :grouphug:

 

I was saying to my husband just tonight, "You know, in ten to fifteen years, I'll be lost, just lost, as a person, unless I figure out what to do."

 

He said, "What?"

 

"Yes. My dad is 78 now, my mother 74. Think. In ten years, they'll be 88 and 84, if they're living. Add five years to that, and they'll be gone for sure, AND the girls will be through homeschool and off to college, AND you'll be counting your gray chest hairs. And THEN what will I do?" :svengo:

 

"Read a book, maybe?"

 

The man, he knows me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, someone told me once why elderly parents do this. It's because they miss the child. They miss you. They miss you. They really, really miss you.

 

You're right. I know they do.

Decide that you will visit THEM, not the geography or the sights. Those attractions will be available to you ten years from now. Will your parents be? :grouphug:

 

You know, I was telling myself this very thing today. It is so true.

 

I was saying to my husband just tonight, "You know, in ten to fifteen years, I'll be lost, just lost, as a person, unless I figure out what to do."

 

He said, "What?"

 

"Yes. My dad is 78 now, my mother 74. Think. In ten years, they'll be 88 and 84, if they're living. Add five years to that, and they'll be gone for sure, AND the girls will be through homeschool and off to college, AND you'll be counting your gray chest hairs. And THEN what will I do?" :svengo:

 

"Read a book, maybe?"

 

The man, he knows me.

 

:lol: I can see this exact conversation happening here. . .!

[Sahamamama]

I can see this exact conversation happening here. . .!

 

Yes, the spousal empathy is killing me! :lol: Doesn't he FEEL my pain? :lol: