Depression - how much do you tell small children?

[BikeBookBread]

Prudence won the day. I deleted because I decided it was just TMI...this is a public board after all... :)

Edited February 17, 2010 by BikeBookBread

[specialmama]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, Stephanie. I didn't read the original post before you deleted, but know that you're not alone. All in all, a good rule of thumb is to let children be children. They should not have to bear the burden of adulthood or adult problems. :grouphug: Not sure if this is relevant to your original post or not, but thought I'd offer that to you, with the hugs of course! :grouphug:

[BikeBookBread]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, Stephanie. I didn't read the original post before you deleted, but know that you're not alone. All in all, a good rule of thumb is to let children be children. They should not have to bear the burden of adulthood or adult problems. :grouphug: Not sure if this is relevant to your original post or not, but thought I'd offer that to you, with the hugs of course! :grouphug:

 

Very relevant and thanks :)

[Jumping In Puddles]

:grouphug:

 

And on a lighter note, I always read your avatar as Bike, Book, Breed. :001_huh:

:tongue_smilie:

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug: I didn't get to read your original post either but I am sorry you are having to deal with whatever problems it is. I say you tell them enough to let them know they the person in question is not feeling their best but no so much as to overburden them. The reason I say that you need to say something is because they will notice a difference and wonder why. It is good to reassure them that it is nothing serious (I hope) and that it is not permanent, and that they haven't done anything wrong to cause the problem. Even small kids are old enough to understand that sometime you just don't feel you best or your usually sunny self. :grouphug:

[BikeBookBread]

:grouphug:

 

And on a lighter note, I always read your avatar as Bike, Book, Breed. :001_huh:

:tongue_smilie:

 

:lol: dh would LOVE that!!!

[KristenS]

I also didn't read your original post, but if it's you that you're worried about, you're definitely not alone.

 

Mine are now 8 and 5. They know that Mommy has bad days, that she needs naps sometimes, and that she sees doctors to help her with medicines and other things to try to make things better. They understand this.

 

They do not know the terms "panic disorder" or "depression" but they don't need to. We're pretty matter-of-fact around here. Sometimes we do school on the sofa. Sometimes I get sick, and they'll bring me a glass of water or a blanket, and move on to the next toy. My oldest is particularly compassionate, probably as a result of this. We try not to let my issues derail us too often ... but we just deal with it if illness gets in the way.

 

Extended family and our church family are pretty understanding too, and no doubt that helps ... we've got supportive friends, and everyone just takes things as they come.

 

This week we've ALL come down with a nasty stomach bug, in turns, and it's lingering. My kids simply said, "Well, we'll just all have to take care of each other, won't we?" That's how the world is to them. We're a family, we parents take care of the kids, and they in turn like to 'take care' of us. It's very sweet. (And no, we don't burden them with having to take care of Mommy ... they like to help out ... on really bad days I do call in the reinforcements!)

 

Sorry if I rambled too much ... just wanted to post some reassurances. Some days I wonder if I'm really doing my kids a favor by homeschooling them ... and on other days I know we wouldn't have it any other way.

[BikeBookBread]

I also didn't read your original post, but if it's you that you're worried about, you're definitely not alone.

 

Mine are now 8 and 5. They know that Mommy has bad days, that she needs naps sometimes, and that she sees doctors to help her with medicines and other things to try to make things better. They understand this.

 

They do not know the terms "panic disorder" or "depression" but they don't need to. We're pretty matter-of-fact around here. Sometimes we do school on the sofa. Sometimes I get sick, and they'll bring me a glass of water or a blanket, and move on to the next toy. My oldest is particularly compassionate, probably as a result of this. We try not to let my issues derail us too often ... but we just deal with it if illness gets in the way.

 

Extended family and our church family are pretty understanding too, and no doubt that helps ... we've got supportive friends, and everyone just takes things as they come.

 

This week we've ALL come down with a nasty stomach bug, in turns, and it's lingering. My kids simply said, "Well, we'll just all have to take care of each other, won't we?" That's how the world is to them. We're a family, we parents take care of the kids, and they in turn like to 'take care' of us. It's very sweet. (And no, we don't burden them with having to take care of Mommy ... they like to help out ... on really bad days I do call in the reinforcements!)

 

Sorry if I rambled too much ... just wanted to post some reassurances. Some days I wonder if I'm really doing my kids a favor by homeschooling them ... and on other days I know we wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Thank you so very much for your transparency and encouragement :)

[Sue G in PA]

Hey Steph, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone...as everyone before me has said. I, too, have suffered with depression for some time. There came a point that I had to tell my older kids what was going on b/c they began to think I was ignoring them or didn't love them or whatever. They still hate that I get depressed but at least they know it isn't something I am choosing, per say. Will be praying for you. :grouphug:

[Frontier Mom]

Not trying to hijack post, but how do you know?

 

Lately I'm just really tired of:

my dc's just being disrespectful

the noise in the learning room

the fact that they seem more interested in pleasing people outside our home rather than inside the home

my dh for telling me depressing bits of info. from his job (pastor) and then leaving for the day

no alone time - not even in the bathroom

the inability of anyone to pick up anything without being asked

etc., etc., etc.

 

I'm beginning to wonder, am I suffering depression or have the dc's taken too much advantage of me? We've been busy with holidays, outside activities and other things but how does one know? Am I feeling overwhelmed, depressed or just fed up?

 

As I said, I am not trying to hijack the thread but this really hits home today.

[BikeBookBread]

Not trying to hijack post, but how do you know?

 

Yes, the thread is about me :)...I have been medically diagnosed throughout my adulthood. If you are able, talk to your general practitioner.

 

You should look at physical symptoms too: are you sleeping poorly? Tired all the time even if you do get sleep? Strange aches and pains? Not feeling like doing the things that normally give you joy? Don't seem to have energy to do anything beyond the bare minimum (chores, exercise is nada if you have been regular in that regard, etc... (I sound like a TV commercial...but these are the questions that the doctor would ask you.)

[BikeBookBread]

Hey Steph, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone...as everyone before me has said. I, too, have suffered with depression for some time. There came a point that I had to tell my older kids what was going on b/c they began to think I was ignoring them or didn't love them or whatever. They still hate that I get depressed but at least they know it isn't something I am choosing, per say. Will be praying for you. :grouphug:

 

Thanks so so much for the prayers!

 

I think the main thing I'm taking from the answers here is that I need to take the childrens' emotional maturity into account, and not saddle them with something they shouldn't have to worry about, or don't have the emotional strength to carry.

[Hathersage]

:grouphug:

[swellmomma]

Like the others I did not read your original post, but I have been upfront with my kids. They know I have depression. I have told them what it is called, and that it is because my brain wasn't working right, and I take medicine to help it. Because my kids have mental health disorders too it was easier to be open with them about it. For me it was important to tell them that much because a) my depression comes out as anger and aggression, I did not want them ever thinking they did something to make me angry. and b) as a single parent I don't have another adult to call me on it if my depression is flaring or if the meds are not effective enough yet. The kids call my meds my happy pills and if they notice that I am more irritable than normal, or that I am getting worse again after being better for a while, my dd will tell me to phone the dr for more happy pills.

 

I do not tell them anymore than this, and do not bring them into the problem. I own it and deal with it but am honest with them about it at their level.

[*Inna*]

:grouphug: My kids are still young, but I talked with my oldest and most sensitive one and made sure she understands that what I'm going through is not because of them.

[PollyOR]

Just thought I would add to the discussion. My DH has had anger problems since his teen years. I knew something was seriously wrong when I came home and found him in bed in the middle of the day. That was about 11 years ago. We found out that the anger and irritability were part of his depression.

 

At first my DH did NOT want anyone to know. We gradually started talking with family. Two of DH's siblings were experiencing depression and their mom wanted DH to share his experience with them. I started asking DH before trips if he remembered to pack his meds, and if he was having a bad day I would question if he had been taking his meds regularly. Plus, sometimes he stays home from work and the kids want to know why. "Dad's feeling tired today" or "Dad's feeling a little irritable today. You need to be quiet." We are a lot more open about it now than we were in the beginning. For them, it is just the way life is. Some days are good. Some days we need a little more quiet.

 

Now my 14yo is under the care of a doctor. Her depression is more typical of what you might think of...low energy, staying in her room all day, tears on bad days, etc. My younger kids aren't as used to this side of depression and they aren't always as sympathetic. We are very open about dd's depression because of the numerous appointments and trips to the pharmacy. They see it all since we homeschool.

 

:grouphug: to everyone trying to make it through life's ups and downs.

[mommyto3]

I'm Bipolar Type II with Generalized Anxiety Disorder so I can definitely relate. Due to being pregnant, I'm also off all of my medications so the last 6 months have been rough at times.

 

We haven't really talked to the kids at all yet since they are still so young. They see me cry and ask why and I answer mommy's sad, which is the truth. My oldest thinks I like to sleep a lot. :001_unsure: When the time comes, we'll be honest and up front with them and explain it like my psych doc explained it to me. My brain doesn't process things correctly, much like a diabetes patient whose body doesn't process sugar correctly, and I see a dr and take medication to correct it.

 

My symptoms come out either in extreme depression or anger and rage. Thankfully, the anger is typically never towards them, usually it comes out towards dh and he can handle it. I try very, very hard to limit how much this affects them. But all in all, they are growing up with things different than they would be if I weren't bipolar. There is nothing I can do about that other than help them deal with it when they need it.

[Frontier Mom]

Yes, the thread is about me :)...I have been medically diagnosed throughout my adulthood. If you are able, talk to your general practitioner.

 

You should look at physical symptoms too: are you sleeping poorly? Tired all the time even if you do get sleep? Strange aches and pains? Not feeling like doing the things that normally give you joy? Don't seem to have energy to do anything beyond the bare minimum (chores, exercise is nada if you have been regular in that regard, etc... (I sound like a TV commercial...but these are the questions that the doctor would ask you.)

 

Thank you very much. At times I do have some of the above but not all. My prayers definitely go out to you and your whole family. It is certainly not your fault, nor your children's either. Just something not working as it should.

[KristenS]

Also look at how long it's been going on, Kristi ... sometimes we spend so long in the 'down' side of things that we forget what normal looks like. (I am SO thankful for my therapist who helps remind me!)

 

If your general practitioner doesn't take you seriously, some gyn's are good at spotting depression (some aren't). So that can be a route to go.

 

Mine got pretty hard to hide ... my panic manifests most often as severe nausea, and, well, if you're sick you're sick. It took months to get diagnosed way back when, because the docs kept asking, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?" And by the time we got a diagnosis ... my first child was on the way. So much for meds! LOL. But things are much better now.

 

I too can have very angry irritable days. We're tinkering with my meds right now, and the kids can see the effects. One day recently we were just having a terrible day, and I finally said to my son, "You know, if anyone else was yelling at you like I've been yelling at you, I'd be yelling at THEM. Let's call Daddy to come home." And we did. I apologized for my behavior (this gets very humbling over time, but I daresay it's good for me), and we called for help, and we dealt with it. Most days aren't that awful, of course, but it helps to have a plan in place just in case. (And thank goodness we're not on that med anymore!)

 

Maybe being too transparent, but I've learned over the years ... I can't get the help and understanding I need if I don't open up, and I sure don't want anyone else to go through this and think they're alone! If we all stand together, we help hold each other up. :)

[KristenS]

Stephanie ... lots of hugs to you. You'll find your way to the right answers! Your kids will be okay. You're not alone, and neither are they. (((hugs)))

[ElizabethB]

Stephanie--:grouphug:

 

no alone time - not even in the bathroom

 

 

I was hoping I would get alone time in the bathroom soon, darn. A 10 year old friends of my daughter's also wasn't motivational recently--she made as much mess with the grated cheese as my children, I was hoping that I could hope for neatly poured grated cheese in the next few years.

:grouphug: