S/O How were you parented? Have parents become better?

[MamaBearTeacher]

I was wondering if you think parents have gotten better or worse from our parents generation to our own. If so, in which ways? Do you think society values children more and that has resulted in better parents? Do you think that because spanking has become less acceptable parents are more likely to think twice about spanking? I know there are many cases of severe abuse by parents. Do you think that has decreased, increased or stayed the same?

 

Do you think technology and our fast pace of life has caused families to have less time for each other? Do you think parents in general listen to their kids more than in the past?

 

My own opinion is that my parents generation was more narcissistic. They spent more time with their friends and less time with their kids. This generation of parents are much more focussed on their kids and perhaps kinder but they are very crunched for time. My opinions are based on what I observed of my own upbringing and what I observe of parents today. Actually, all the parents I see today seem almost perfect. I know that may not be the case but that's what it looks like to me from the outside. But at least 2/3 of adults I speak to are critical of the way they were parented and often describe abusive situations. I would like to think that things have gotten better for children. What do you think? (We might be a biased group because we homeschool and might put more of a priority on our kids)

[nd293]

I was born early in the 1970s. My mother was a stay at home mother for the first 6 years of my life (3yrs of my sister's) then worked half day. She never read parenting books, and we did on occasion get smacked. We were C-section births, weren't breastfed (although both of those through lack of information and support rather than preference) and slept in our own rooms from birth. My Mom was in charge. We would never have really had any conflict with that, it just WAS.

 

I am a stay at home, homeschooling mother to a 9yr old and a 3yr old. I read parenting books, think about parenting choices and decisions, co-sleep, breastfeed, had a homebirth with first (emergency with second). Everything has always been up for discussion, we have been open, tried for something like a democracy.

 

Honestly? I think we messed up big time. My children give me the sort of attitude and disrespect I would never have considered showing my mother. Respecting kids has bred general disrespect towards parents and less polite behaviour towards outsiders than I would like.

 

It's not just bad parenting choices though - yes, the pace of life is too fast, yes, children have too much time with peers (I honestly think this might even be true in homeschoolers today compared to schooled children of my generation), too many activities, and way too much access to media.

 

Nikki

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that the pendulum has swung toward permissiveness and over- defensiveness, too far.

 

I think that as a society we abandoned spanking, which is good, but didn't figure out what to do instead, which is to still insist on good behavior and still follow through and enforce it.

[mcconnellboys]

I read an article recently which said that yelling has become the new spanking. With the pressures that our fast-paced society puts on everyone, I guess I can see this.

[Jenny in Atl]

 

I am a stay at home, homeschooling mother to a 9yr old and a 3yr old. I read parenting books, think about parenting choices and decisions, co-sleep, breastfeed, had a homebirth with first (emergency with second). Everything has always been up for discussion, we have been open, tried for something like a democracy.

 

Honestly? I think we messed up big time. My children give me the sort of attitude and disrespect I would never have considered showing my mother. Respecting kids has bred general disrespect towards parents and less polite behaviour towards outsiders than I would like.

 

It's not just bad parenting choices though - yes, the pace of life is too fast, yes, children have too much time with peers (I honestly think this might even be true in homeschoolers today compared to schooled children of my generation), too many activities, and way too much access to media.

 

Nikki

 

 

I've done many of the same things you have, AP style parenting/extended breastfeeding/etc... but I've had a completely different result. I'm very happy with how respectful my kids are. They get compliments from outside teachers, friends, and family all the time. I'm just not sure one can make general sweeping statements about a style of parenting given one family's outcome.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Just a general opinion:

 

Parents are a lot more permissive and punitive....and are spending MUCH less time on teaching and guiding.

 

However, the majority of parents still spank their kids (50-99% depending on location). THAT isn't the issue. Here, you'd be hard pressed to find a non-spanking family. I would guess they probably spank MORE. But spanking (and other punishments) without discipline (teaching/guiding) is ineffective.

 

They simply aren't doing all the proactive discipline that used to be done. Of course, dynamics aren't the same either. 66% of marriages in this area end in divorce. Few children have stay at home parents. There is a lot of stress and selfishness on the part of the parents. Not only are parents not taking the time to discipline, but they have a LOT of reason why they don't have as much time for a relationship, for proactive guidance, for ongoing teaching, for requiring respect, etc.

 

So parents are permissive and punitive instead of instructive and it's obvious (extremely obvious in the 7th grader classes I subbed in today!).

[Corraleno]

I've done many of the same things you have, AP style parenting/extended breastfeeding/etc... but I've had a completely different result. I'm very happy with how respectful my kids are. They get compliments from outside teachers, friends, and family all the time. I'm just not sure one can make general sweeping statements about a style of parenting given one family's outcome.

 

:iagree:

I did attachment parenting, extended BFing, co-sleeping, etc. I never spank and I always listen to my kids; they may not always like my decisions, but they know why I made them, and they know their voices were heard. Many of our friends consider us to be fairly "strict" parents, in that we expect our kids to be polite and respectful to us, to each other, and to other people. And we get tons of compliments on how thoughtful and polite they are ~ even total strangers will come up to us sometimes in a restaurant or an airport and say how lovely and well-behaved the kids are.

 

It seems like most parents these days think there's an either/or choice between a strict, domineering parenting style that produces polite, obedient kids while crushing their spirit, or a very lax permissive style that produces happy but spoiled, disrespectful kids ~ and I certainly know families at both ends of that spectrum. But it *is* possible to combine attachment-style parenting with firm, consistent limits, and end up with kind, confident, affectionate, respectful kids.

 

Jackie

[Peela]

I think its very difficult to compare because our culture has changed so much, so rapidly, in such a short time, that we are really bringing up kids in a very different world to what our parents and grandparents did. They coudl rely on the values they were brought up with to parent to some extent- they could roll on fairly unconsciously....we have to start from scratch in many ways and be much more conscious. The old paradigms don't work so well any more.

Many of us think very deeply about how we parent and are really trying to give our utmost best to the job. I don't think past generations did that so much- they may have parented well or not so well, but it wasn't so conscious.

There are a lot of unconscious masses who dont parent well...but I think there is also a huge wave of people who parent in many varying ways, with different approaches- but who are really doing their best to parent with a fresh vision and with the most love and intelligence they can muster. I am not sure any of us can really say for sure what is the ultimate best parenting method or approach but we are really trying hard and are willing to go against the status quo, to stand out and be different, to stand by what we feel is the best thing for our kids even if our neighbours and parents and others judge us negatively for doing so.

Times have changed. I think they are getting better, personally.

[HRAAB]

I had very good parents. They certainly weren't narcissistic. They were totally involved with their children. Family was their no. 1 priority. There was never any question in my mind that for my dad his family came first.

 

A couple of thoughts: I suspect my parents are older than many since they were born in 1924. Also, they didn't marry until they were 29 and I was born when they were 36. They had time to be single, to get used to married life. Maybe that made a difference? Although they were raised in what I consider average homes with typical discipline for that day, they never spanked and were opposed to it. By the time they became parents they had decided against that method of discipline. I think they were maybe a little more unusual for that generation in that respect.

 

I've copied some of what my parents did. Other things such as co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, homeschooling weren't even things my parents ever considered. However, they supported us in our decision to parent our children that way. My mom even worked while I was small - also unusual in the early 60's but from the time I was 5 she was at home. I also worked until my oldest was school age.

 

I always felt respected by my parents, and I've tried to extend that to my own children. In return, I feel very respected by my children. My oldest two are living away from home (one is married), but I couldn't be happier with the relationship we have. There were a few rough times when they were teens, but we weathered those storms. I never felt they rebelled; more that they were finding their own voice. I hope it continues that way for my younger three.