s/o How were you parented? How did you change....

[melik]

So we have a lot of people out there that had a pretty rough childhood, myself included. So I'm just wondering how did you change? Counseling, determination, help from friends or family? I have tried to be different from my mother in so many ways, but I know that I have a long way to go. Sometimes I feel a little hopeless when it comes to changing some of those really bad habits that came from my upbringing.

 

What does the Hive say?

 

Meli

[Joy at Home]

So we have a lot of people out there that had a pretty rough childhood, myself included. So I'm just wondering how did you change? Counseling, determination, help from friends or family? I have tried to be different from my mother in so many ways, but I know that I have a long way to go. Sometimes I feel a little hopeless when it comes to changing some of those really bad habits that came from my upbringing.

 

What does the Hive say?

 

Meli

 

 

I went to counseling for several years before having children, and that helped me break the cycle.

 

Also, somethign about having all girls . . . I can't explain it. But, it's like I see myself in my girls. I remember the pain, trauma, confusion about why I am being beaten for such things (peeing my pants in first grade comes to mind), and I look into my girls eyes and feel myself being healed by nurturing them and giving them what I didn't have. It's almost like I'm reliving my childhood through them; taking every perverse, violent situation I had and making it the exact opposite for them. Taking every memory of pain and making a new memory of love instead; taking every memory of feeling scared and making new memories of feeling safe, secure, loved, and respected.

 

Blessings,

Lisa

[Tree House Academy]

The biggest change I made is not beating or yelling at my kids. In all honesty, I don't even resemble my parents as a parent. I do go to counseling, but mostly it has to do with my OCD and Hypochondria and not my past issues with my parents. It was really easy for me to not treat my kids the way I was treated as a kid. My mom, bless her heart, had a lot on her sholders. She was a single mom, lost both of her parents in tragic and drawn out ways with no male partner to help her cope. I don't fault her much for the things she did. My dad...well, I talk to him on the phone once a month or so. And...let's just say that "kharma is a b*tch" in his case. ;)

[Sahamamama]

So we have a lot of people out there that had a pretty rough childhood, myself included. So I'm just wondering how did you change? Counseling, determination, help from friends or family? I have tried to be different from my mother in so many ways, but I know that I have a long way to go. Sometimes I feel a little hopeless when it comes to changing some of those really bad habits that came from my upbringing.

 

What does the Hive say?

 

Meli

 

:crying: Honestly? It's a always struggle for me. I have it in my heart to be Gentle Mother, Peaceful Mother, Loving Mother, but that is not always the reality..... More often than not, yes, but there are times when I blow it.

 

I do see myself in my daughters' eyes. That has helped so much, to look at them and realize that I do NOT want to be their source of pain. But it's so hard to break out of the anger/rage that was my father's legacy to me. I can't even tell you how many times I endured that rage, that unfathomable anger. I learned to duck. I literally learned to hide...... Who on earth would WANT to parent this way?

 

I am not my father. I know this. And I do NOT parent the way he did, but there are remnants. There is this debris, this unanswered grief in my spirit. I do not want to put that into my children! Oh, I try and try and try to change..... :crying:

 

I think what hits me now the most is that, in spite of areas that NEED to change, I do love my children intensely. Could it be that my dad loved me? Could it be that he felt terrible about mistreating me? I know that he, too, was parented with abuse, and he grew up in an alcoholic home. So, out of all his siblings, he pulled out of that the most to build the mostly-happy home I grew up in. And it was happy, except for his periodic blow ups! In that, he did really well, comparatively speaking. He didn't commit suicide, or go into prostitution, or die in a gutter, like the rest of his family....

 

I actually admire my dad, in spite of him clobbering me repeatedly. Parenting is harder than it looks. So is life. Some people begin in hell, and work their way up from there.

[lynn]

My parents were fairly easy going maybe to much so. I have more house rules for my kids than my parents had for us, not in a bad way. My mom cleaned the house by herself so she could do it the way she wanted and well, my kids have chores. gasp.....they make their beds, help with the dishes, rotate taking out garbage and cleaning their bathroom, the older boys help with the yard work, I know I'm a mean mom. Oh and did I mention we want to meet their friends and have them home by a certain time and call if they are running late.

Edited February 16, 2010 by lynn

[melik]

Parenting is harder than it looks. So is life. Some people begin in hell, and work their way up from there.

 

 

Well said! Thanks for sharing.

 

Meli

[Shawn On the Border]

I try to use my mother-in-law as an example of how to parent. My mother was very critical and self-centered. Even as an adult I am often hurt by her lack of interest in me or my family. My mother-in-law was loving and interested in me when my family wasn't. I have made an effort to be involved in my childrens' life, and less critical of them. It really helps to have a substitute role model to emulate.

[Rosie_0801]

I read a lot of books on relationships and self help type stuff to help me put my thoughts and desires into words. It's much easier to explain to my hubby what I want to be doing and why I want to be doing it if I have words for it! Often the books are saying what I mean in a more succinct fashion so I can point and say "This! This is what I meant!"

 

:)

Rosie

[Peela]

I was parented fairly well up to my teens, but then it all fell apart. And, my English father was not affectionate at all during my childhood so when I say I was fairly well parented- I wasn't abused, there were lots of good things- but I dont think I was touched affectionately or hugged from when I was quite small, and that did have a large impact on me. I had a classically absent, emotionally cold and workaholic father.

 

The way I changed was by spending years away form my parents' influence from age 16 onwards, and by doing a fair amount of soul searching and therapy. I consciously learned to hug people and taught myself to dance- these didn't come naturally to me at all and I'm still self conscious about them.

 

I read a great book years ago by Thomas More once called Care of the Soul and in there it talked about our childhood being the "manure" from which we grow. I like that idea.

My dad is visiting me at the moment for a week- we haven't spent much time together since I was a kid, and then not much either, so a week is a lot!- and a couple of times it has come up that I left home rather early and a lot of trauma happened in my teens. My response to him now is....it has made me who I am now. It made me strong. It made me go places and do things I might not otherwise have done. My life has been rich and interesting. I wouldn't change a thing. If my parents had stayed together, if I had been emotionally supported- I may have ended up with a teaching career and a "normal" life- and I am so glad it didnt turn out that way.

But..I have been willing to look at myself, do the inner work and grow a lot. I have a tendency to be a bit like my dad, but not really with my kids- more with dh. My kids healed me with their love and affection, and they were and are a huge motivation to keep being willing to feel and heal and grow, rather than defend and shut down.