Struggling with having been lied to

[Harriet Vane]

There is a person in my life with whom I interact on a regular, routine basis. This person isn't really a bad person--just not that bright, and unfortunately very dysfunctional. Good-hearted in many ways, but often unwise and impulsive.

 

It's apparent that this person set out to deceive me about something, and, more upsetting, I have reason to believe that this person coached or encouraged children to participate in the deception.

 

I'm pretty upset about it.

 

There's not a lot I can do about it. Just looking for sympathy.

[specialmama]

That's really poopy! :grouphug:

It's unfortunate this happened. But do keep in mind that if someone is dysfunctional, then they're not at a stage in life to "give back" so to speak. They tend to be very self absorbed and don't see how things affect others. I bet if this person was at a different stage of wellness, then you could expect more normalcy from them. Hang in there, don't let it get you down. There's plenty of people out there who are together enough to treat people fairly. But oh, those poor kids! What role model do they have? (rhetorical, but feel free to answer) ;)

[SonshineLearner]

:grouphug: It's hard to learn communication skills, and I genuinely believe that we as a society encourage deceit. I also believe in sin and that there is truth. I cannot imagine encouraging my child to lie instead of teaching them to communicate effectively. I'm sorry!!

 

I have a family member who was known to continually lie, and those of us who knew... just knew.... She loved us... and she lied... many times out of habit and no real need or reason. She was one of my favorites... but that part was just not pleasant.

:grouphug:

[happi duck]

:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

That's really poopy! :grouphug:

It's unfortunate this happened. But do keep in mind that if someone is dysfunctional, then they're not at a stage in life to "give back" so to speak. They tend to be very self absorbed and don't see how things affect others. I bet if this person was at a different stage of wellness, then you could expect more normalcy from them. Hang in there, don't let it get you down. There's plenty of people out there who are together enough to treat people fairly. But oh, those poor kids! What role model do they have? (rhetorical, but feel free to answer) ;)

 

I have never expected this person to "give back" to me. Ever. Both due to life circumstances, and also because I know the specific significant challenges this person copes with on a daily basis.

 

However.

 

This person does know the difference between truth and lies, and so do the children. They know. This wasn't done out of stupidity or impulsiveness (this time). If it were it would be easier for me to let go. This was a course of action that was thought of in advance and planned for, for selfish and perplexing reasons.

[tex-mex]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[specialmama]

I have never expected this person to "give back" to me. Ever. Both due to life circumstances, and also because I know the specific significant challenges this person copes with on a daily basis.

 

However.

 

This person does know the difference between truth and lies, and so do the children. They know. This wasn't done out of stupidity or impulsiveness (this time). If it were it would be easier for me to let go. This was a course of action that was thought of in advance and planned for, for selfish and perplexing reasons.

 

I hear you. I never expect others to "give back" either, but when a loyalty isn't returned, it's the same thing, iykwim. The bolded part is exactly what I meant. Being dysfunctional is not an excuse, but it helps us understand why some people do sucky things for selfish and perplexing reasons. WE don't get it, and WE wouldn't do it, but that's because our vision is cast outside of ourselves. Knowing what lying is and knowing it is wrong does not stop someone who is dysfunctional.

 

So will you (or have you) spoken to this person about it? What did they say?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think we've all felt the sting of betrayal before, and it's not fun. :grouphug:

[mooooom]

Not that they did it, but I would ask WHY they did it.

[lllll]

..

[Harriet Vane]

Did you confront them, Strider? They may deny or defend or whatever, but at least they will know that YOU know. And are NOT happy about it.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is where I struggle. As a Christian I embrace the need to lovingly confront sin with my fellow believers. I believe it can be done lovingly and diplomatically.

 

I cannot confront this person.

 

This person does not react well to confrontation, no matter how benign. This person also has undiagnosed issues that make this person impulsive and often unwise and very, very, very difficult to interact with. (Not just my opinion, but also the opinion of others who are qualified to know.) I feel strongly God's call on me for the children involved (years of involvement at this stage)--I have always had to just accept a lot of dysfunction (not abuse but rather just crazy dysfunction) in order to continue in my role with these children.

 

I don't quite know how to reconcile these two perspectives and am keeping quiet for the moment.

[lllll]

..

[Harriet Vane]

Is this person even a Christian? Aren't we generally instructed to handle the sinning Christian differently from the unbeliever - in most cases?

 

As Christians, we're not to judge those outside the church. But we are to confront those inside the church when they are engaged in ongoing sin. So I'd think you would have to look at this person and pray for discernment to be able to know which you're dealing with - a believer or an unbeliever????

 

And I assume the children are not yours... Which might mean you may not be able to do much about that, unfortunately. It might just be your LIFE which speaks loudest to these children in the end. Some of them will probably remember your 'light' later on in their own lives. And even return to you, in some way. Be ready. :)

 

We'll be praying for you and them.

 

pming you

[BridgeTea]

Lies and deception are so...hurtful, of course, but also frustrating because it seems so unnecessary to the rest of us. Even when the lies and deception come out of a dysfunction, it's still so difficult to know the right thing to do. Do we (verbally) clobber someone, or do we bite our tongues until they're about to bleed? It's painful for us, either way. Lies hurt.

 

I'm glad you got to vent a little, Strider. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Take care. :grouphug:

[sheryl]

:grouphug:

 

 

Sheryl

<><

[Jenn in Mo]

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. This happened to me two years ago and it was a good friend, too. It hurt so badly. I hurt for you just remembering what I felt. I am so sorry you have to go through this. If it helps, I struggle with dealing with it/discussing it for months and months. Situations kept preventing our talking about it. I am a get-it-out-in-the-open kind of gal and it pained me to not work through this. However, God really did a number on my heart and He helped me totally forgive 100% and go on. Today, we are good friends again and have no need to tackle that topic. She doesn't even know that I know what she did. No need.

 

For me, this is definitely an example of God being strong where I'm weak. It's all to His glory, cuz I sure couldn't do it! lol! I'm just sharing to hopefully offer you some hope that time and God will heal in unbelievable ways.

[OnTheBrink]

Deception is a huge issue for me and I'd be fightin' mad. You have my FULL sympathy. :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

This is where I struggle. As a Christian I embrace the need to lovingly confront sin with my fellow believers. I believe it can be done lovingly and diplomatically.

 

I cannot confront this person.

 

This person does not react well to confrontation, no matter how benign. This person also has undiagnosed issues that make this person impulsive and often unwise and very, very, very difficult to interact with. (Not just my opinion, but also the opinion of others who are qualified to know.) I feel strongly God's call on me for the children involved (years of involvement at this stage)--I have always had to just accept a lot of dysfunction (not abuse but rather just crazy dysfunction) in order to continue in my role with these children.

 

I don't quite know how to reconcile these two perspectives and am keeping quiet for the moment.

 

You know --one thing you might try, especially for the children's sake is a metaphorical story. Therapists use these. Make up a story with a similar plot and discuss how the victim knew what had happened and how she felt. This way, there is no direct confrontation, but the indirect confrontation will still have an effect.