My Pity Party

[mysticamethyst]

I am feeling very sorry for myself today. I am so hurt by my mother, and it's my own fault for letting her do this. Due to a long series of events my mother is no longer allowed to work here in Texas. Before she left she she had to stay with me because she couldn't pay her own bills, she refused to get a job while living with us to help out. Her and I cannot live together for very long, that is another post. I actually had a TIA, small stroke while she was here, I think her being here caused it.

 

She was looking for a job in Tampa said she had plenty to choose from but no money to get there. DH and I talk and decide to lend her the money that we have saved to fix our roof just to get her out, this is back at the end of Oct. she gets job but hates it, they are making her work her hinny off and she hates to work. She wants to come here for xmas so she buys an airline ticket with her first check, yep before sending us any of the money we lent her. My dh is furious, doesnt'want her here for the holidays at all but how can I tell her no. Then 5 days before xmas she tells her work she will be gone they say she is needed and can't take vac. so soon after starting and with such short notice, so she quits, yep that is right quits. Uses her money from last check to buy presents.

 

She gets back to FL, gets job in hospital in Brandon, quits at orientation, first day. Goes 2 more wks without job, I pay her rent at her weekly stay motel, finally gets a job, she asks to borrow more money, I don't have it but she can't be homeless, so I do a payday loan without telling dh, huge mistake. The loan was due last Thurs. she didn't pay it. When she left I gave her a spare debit card off MY money acct. so she didn't have to carry cash, found out that was -76.00, she cannot get a bank acct. for obvious reasons.

 

And then today my cell phones got turned off because she somehow got an internet card off my acct. (she does have a cell on our acct) and ran that up to 670 and change, verizion wanted some of that to keep phones active, imagine that. I had no idea about the phone, my dh has no idea about the loan or the phone and today I wake up to an IM saying that she is broke again, no food, no money no nothing and can I help her; I haven't heard from her in a week, I am just left here feeling hurt.

 

I know much of that story didn't/doestn' make sense but I just can't think straight about it all. My kids drama class payments are 2 weeks late, I have squirrles driving me insane from living in my roof and my health is suffering all because I keep giving her money. I know she will be homeless soon and I feel like it will be my fault. Since she has left I have started getting out again, talking to friends that I just couldn't face because of her, even started my own business. How do I just give up on her? I need to but I just can't seem to, she has been like this my entire life. Sorry this was long and made no sense, thanks for listening to my whiney ramblings. I am off to get dressed and shower, that always makes me feel better.

Edited February 2, 2010 by mysticamethyst

[RoughCollie]

I know she will be homeless soon and I feel like it will be my fault.

 

I need to but I just can't seem to, she has been like this my entire life.

 

First sentence quoted above illustrates the error in your thinking. It is not your fault she will be homeless.

 

Second sentence quoted above is why you think it is your fault and your duty to continue rescuing your mother. Lifelong experience has programmed you to believe this, even though it is not true, IMO.

 

It is easy to say for you to stop doing it. I think you should stop, because to continue will hurt your marriage and your own family.

 

As for making sure you no longer will think it is your fault that your mother keeps getting herself into these situations, that may take counseling and prayer, or just experience with seeing the roof will not cave in if you say no, mean it, and keep saying it.

Edited February 2, 2010 by RoughCollie

[grace'smom]

:grouphug:

 

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It's hard when it's your mom who asks for help because you feel so beholdened to her. However, you won't be able to help her if you are also homeless. I am sure if your mom was in a rational state she would not want you to hurt yourself in order to help her when she is not trying to help herself. Eventually, you will have no more left to give and she will still be in need, because she is not learning to work within the opportunities she is given. Then no one will be able to help. And your children will suffer. As will your marriage. You may need your husband's help to stay strong and to make the right decisions for your marriage and children. Please don't allow your mother to come between you and your husband. Again, if she were in a rational state I am sure she would not want you to keep secrets from him to help her. I'm not sure what else I can say other than that I am sorry you are being put in this position. And that it's easy for me to say all of this having not been put into the position myself. Who can say what they wouldn't do to help their mother?

 

Just try to remember that sometimes real help can come in the form of NOT helping, so that a person can learn to help themselves.

[eternalknot]

I hope your shower helped (((hugs))). It can't be easy holding all of that in, and it certainly explains why the post was written in the format it was - all of that yuck was screaming to come out of you!

 

I'm so very sorry to hear that you are carrying that weight on your shoulders -- the guilt of your mom's situation, the hiding things from DH, and all on top of the stresses of daily life. I don't know what to say that could possibly help, but I wanted to let you know that it isn't your fault that the mother-daughter relationship seems to have flipped itself somewhere. But since it has, you have to approach the situation from the parental point of view rather than from the perspective of your biological role as daughter -- that might mean tough love, and letting her experience rock bottom (homelessness) so that she learns to (and that she can) be strong for herself. Don't get stuck playing the adult on the Action End and also being the daughter on the Feeling End; as you already know, you can't win and you'll just bring your own self down in the process, both emotionally AND physically.

 

Be honest with your husband. Own the decisions you made without his input. And figure out how, together, the best course of action to act as her parents and make your mother responsible for herself. Good luck.

[My3Boys]

I hope your shower helped (((hugs))). It can't be easy holding all of that in, and it certainly explains why the post was written in the format it was - all of that yuck was screaming to come out of you!

 

I'm so very sorry to hear that you are carrying that weight on your shoulders -- the guilt of your mom's situation, the hiding things from DH, and all on top of the stresses of daily life. I don't know what to say that could possibly help, but I wanted to let you know that it isn't your fault that the mother-daughter relationship seems to have flipped itself somewhere. But since it has, you have to approach the situation from the parental point of view rather than from the perspective of your biological role as daughter -- that might mean tough love, and letting her experience rock bottom (homelessness) so that she learns to (and that she can) be strong for herself. Don't get stuck playing the adult on the Action End and also being the daughter on the Feeling End; as you already know, you can't win and you'll just bring your own self down in the process, both emotionally AND physically.

 

Be honest with your husband. Own the decisions you made without his input. And figure out how, together, the best course of action to act as her parents and make your mother responsible for herself. Good luck.

 

I agree with this totally. It sounds like being homeless or the prospect of it could be just the wake-up call she needs. If she was just going through a temporary rough spot and doing everything she could to help herself then your actions would constitute "helping". In this situation however (she was able to get a job, right?), you are not helping, but rather enabling her bad behavior, so you are contributing to her lack of personal responsibility, selfishness, and immaturity, and general self-destructive behavior. I am saying this as someone who has a mother just like this. Mine has even gone so far as to expect me to give her money to make up for what she has loaned to other people and not been repaid!

 

As long as you keep giving her money, she will never change. Would you give her money if she had a drug or alcohol problem? Of course not, because you know she would only go out and buy what she needed to feed her addiction. This is no different. You need to force her to grow up and take responsibility for her own life.

[Susan in TN]

Ditto what the others have said. Your first priority is to take care of your family and yourself - those things are obviously suffering. DO NOT feel guilty about putting your own family first - it is a good thing to take care of your children.

 

Honoring our parents means doing what is right and good, not necessarily what will make them "happy". It is difficult, but you CAN do it.

[Jennefer@SSA]

If she is homeless it will be her fault, not your fault and you need to let this happen because if you keep enabling her she will never grow up. Please don't give her anymore money. She has to learn to be a grown-up on her own without you rescuing her. I know she has conditioned you to think that she is your responsibility, but that isn't true and her life will continue to be difficult until she decides to take responsibility for herself. By continuing to support her you are enabling her to stay like she is. Refusing to help is really a gift, the gift of having to care for herself and I am sure she will have a lot more self respect when she is paying her own bills. That doesn't mean she will ever thank you, but it is still best for her.

 

:iagree: Exactly what I was thinking, but I don't think I could have said it so succinctly.

[JVA]

The other posters have given you wise counsel.

 

May I suggest a book that will help?

 

The Mom Factor - Townsend and Cloud

It describes different personalities - yours might be "The Controlling Mom" or "Still-The-Boss Mom". The authors give help to know how to deal with the problems.

 

Another book that is good for lots of different situations is, including yours:

 

Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud as well.

Your library probably has both of them. Mine does.

[G5052]

I would stop bailing out my mother. She seems capable of making a living, so I would not let my family's finances and well-being go down the tubes to help her. My guess is that your husband and children are extremely frustrated at this point, and if you don't already have problems in your own home, you will shortly.

 

If you take a hard line, which is what I would do to save my own family, be prepared for a firestorm from your mother. In our home, this is called "leave and cleave." My #1 loyality is to my DH and children, not my parents.

 

It's not the same situation, but twice I drew a hard line with my own mother, reporting her to the authorities for impaired driving, for which she lost her license permanently, and then for abusing a close family member, which unfortunately didn't go anywhere becuase the family member refused to testify. Our relationship completely shattered, and has never been the same. I have no regrets though because I was doing the right thing for those involved. I was doing the type of thing that adults do when they care about someone who is on a ruinous course.

 

:grouphug:

[Greta]

My #1 loyality is to my DH and children, not my parents.

 

Agreed, and I say that as someone who has wonderful, loving parents. So while I cannot begin to truly understand the situation you are in, I do want to encourage you to realize that any obligations you had to your mother ended when she began exploiting you. And, yes, that is exactly what she's doing. She is willing to put your family's happiness and financial viability at stake in order to avoid growing up and actually being an adult. That's exploitation. If you can't see that you don't deserve to be exploited this way (and believe me, you don't!) then focus on your husband and kids. They certainly don't deserve it, so you're going to have to be strong for them.

 

I am so sorry that you're going through this. :grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

I will just say that I agree with other posters. You can't help her. You are now doing irresponsible things to help her. That has to stop immediately. It isn;t helping her and it is hurting your family. If you need to, stop taking her calls, at least for a while. It sounds like you are in a very precarious situation medically and financially and that needs to be dealt with first. The fact that she can get jobs but just doesn't like them means she is not helpless at all. She is a user. If you are a Christian, maybe some pastoral counseling would help. SOmetimes Christians get confused as to how far to help parents or other family members. THe Bible does have plenty to say about sharing and helping but it also says plenty about pulling your own weight and not being lazy. You have to tell your husband what has happened and then resolve not to let it happen again. Your family survival is the most important thing. As it is, the best thing that can happen to your mom is for her to take responsibility for her actions and inactions. If she gets jobs in this economy, she can keep herself from being homeless. I will pray for you.

[mysticamethyst]

Thank you all for the words of support and encouragement. I will put paragraphs in asap, sorry wasn't even thinking this morning.

I have told my dh about the loan and he took it well, but understandably upset; I will not do that again. I have told her I will not be helping out with money anymore. I don't have it to help and that it's not really helping; she hung up on me. Things will be better tomorrow, it was just a rough start to the day but the day is getting much better.

I am going to get the books suggested by JVA, thanks for those.

[Impish]

Wishing you the best of luck. :grouphug:

[Hockey Mom]

I haven't read all of the replies, so bear with me if this has already been suggested.

 

What you describe sounds exactly like my mother. Has she ever been evaluated for bi-polar disorder? I only ask because my mother was (incorrectly) diagnosed as bipolar. She met with a different doctor a couple of years ago, and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Her doctor thinks she may have been schizophrenic her entire adult life, and it was just never caught until she got older. BUT, the symptoms of bi-polar disorder are very close to what she's dealing with now. She's 59 years old.

 

Once they were able to determine the correct medicine cocktail for her, she became productive for the first time in her life. She was able to hold a steady job, keep an apartment, and pay her bills.

 

Just a thought. I'm not saying that is the case with your mother, but that's how it is with mine. I resented my mother for many years due to her behavior and poor choices.

[jonesloonybin]

If you really feel the need to help her, give phone #'s for programs/churches/etc in her area that will offer her support. Then move on, knowing you did what you could.

[My3Boys]

Thank you all for the words of support and encouragement. I will put paragraphs in asap, sorry wasn't even thinking this morning.

I have told my dh about the loan and he took it well, but understandably upset; I will not do that again. I have told her I will not be helping out with money anymore. I don't have it to help and that it's not really helping; she hung up on me. Things will be better tomorrow, it was just a rough start to the day but the day is getting much better.

I am going to get the books suggested by JVA, thanks for those.

 

Good for you! What you did took a tremendous amount of courage. I know how difficult that was for you.

 

Expect things to get worse before they get better. She will probably lay all kinds of "guilt trips" on you and do anything else she can to manipulate you. Mine started purposely getting herself into trouble to get attention. She also used extended family members who didn't know the situation to try to get to me and guilt me into "taking care of her". People like that tend to be very clever. Anything to stay in denial and avoid facing reality.

 

It's so hard to be in this situation. Not only do you have a family member like this to deal with, but you also don't have a mother. It's a double loss. However, you have a husband and children, your own family, to be thankful for. Also, and I am just assuming you may be feeling this way because of my own experience, you are not defined by your mother's problems. Don't ever feel as if it reflects on you or your character. Don't feel guilty. Don't "look down" on yourself. You are a separate person. You are not her nor are you like her. Again, you may not be dealing with these feelings, but in case you are I wanted to say to you what I wish someone had said to me years ago when I was going through this.

 

I will be thinking of you.

[G5052]

I don't have it to help and that it's not really helping; she hung up on me. Things will be better tomorrow, it was just a rough start to the day but the day is getting much better. I am going to get the books suggested by JVA, thanks for those.

 

There were several periods when I had to put call blocking on my parents' phone, use caller ID to let voicemail take any calls from that area (because Mom would call from a neighbor's house), and there were several months when I received firey letters almost weekly. My father was a complete enabler and got just as ugly with me several times. They both told me that they were taking me out of their will, although that never got done.

 

I also recommend the Boundaries book. I read it years ago, and re-read it at the peak of our troubles. Good book!