curbing tattling

[ProudGrandma]

How do you STOP tattle taling in it's tracks??? I have a 9 year old daughter who is always doing this and it has to STOP....any suggestions....

 

Kathy

[dirty ethel rackham]

There have been some good discussions on this in the past. Here is a great discussion with some good advice.

 

I found it helpful to explain to my kids the difference between tattling, telling and asking for help. If it becomes a chronic problem, I look for a root cause. I had one child who tattled a lot because an older sibling was being mean behind my back. I had to look at the reasons why this normally sweet child was doing this and address that. Once I addressed the root cause, I could deal with the habit of tattling by using code word reminders "Tattling or telling?" I could then coach them on how to deal with the "problem."

[Laurie4b]

How do you STOP tattle taling in it's tracks??? I have a 9 year old daughter who is always doing this and it has to STOP....any suggestions....

 

Kathy

 

My kids were required to tell me about someone doing something that could hurt themselves or others, that broke private part rules, or that could damage property. If they tattled about anything else, then they got the punishment that would have been given to the person being tattled on had I happened onto the situation myself.

 

So in general, I'd encourage spelling out what you want to hear about, and never reward other kinds of tattling.

 

Tattling is about gaining power over a sibling through bringing in a parent as an ally. So think through why your 9 year old would be wanting/needing to do that.

 

Lastly, do not reward tattling by responding to it the way the tattler hopes you will: don't reward it by tipping the balance of power to the tattler.

[Impish]

Duct tape is the solution I'm starting to consider. :glare:

[elise1mds]

I give my kids a quizzical look and ask them these three things:

 

"Is anyone hurt?"

 

"Is anyone GOING to get hurt?"

 

"Is anything broken?"

 

If the answer to all three questions is 'no,' then I suggest they work it all out themselves or that they BOTH come to me for help finding a solution. It hasn't stopped it altogether, but it has helped.

[st_claire]

I would help them learn to resolve the issue themselves. I would never punish a child for telling me something that bothered them.

 

Can you give us an example of the sort of thing she "tattles" about?

[CalicoKat]

If it's not a tattle about something life-threatening I usually say, "That's interesting, have you told ______ how you feel about that yet?"

 

Our rule is that you need to talk to the person about whom you're having a beef first to try and work things out, if that fails come get a parent to mediate.

[myfunnybunch]

If it's not a tattle about something life-threatening I usually say, "That's interesting, have you told ______ how you feel about that yet?"

 

Our rule is that you need to talk to the person about whom you're having a beef first to try and work things out, if that fails come get a parent to mediate.

 

Yes. Us too.

 

I will also occasionally remark to the child most prone to tattling, "That sounds an awful lot like tattling to me. What do you think?" Remarkably (at least it was remarkable to me, the first couple times I asked) the child in question really stops to think about it. Usually he says, "Oh," and chooses to deal with it on his own or to get over it and move on. Once in a while he says, "But..." and comes up with a reasonable explanation for telling me.

 

Cat

[MamaSheep]

No advice, but a funny story. My friend recently related that her oldest (7yo) came running in one day to report that, "Mo-omm! [Little Sister] said I'm a tattle tale!" Makes me giggle almost as much as a guy (who wanted me to date him at the time) who once said to me in all seriousness, "I'm very humble. Let me tell you how humble I am." And proceeded to do so at length.

[ereks mom]

My kids weren't bad about tattling, but some of our little relatives were. And as a pre-K and elementary teacher, I saw a lot of tattling, especially on the playground. When the tattler would come to me about something minor (where no one was getting hurt), I would say, "Thank you for letting me know." And then I would go back to what I was doing. The child would usually stand there for a moment until he saw that was it, and then he would go off to play.

 

If the child persisted, I would ask, "What would you like for me to do about that?" The answer was usually, "Make him stop." To which I would respond by calling out the offender's name and saying, "Stop, please." And then I would dismiss the tattler and go back to what I'd been doing.

 

One of my fellow teachers once had a student who was constantly tattling on anybody and everybody around him. The teacher made a rule that this student could tell her 5 things every day, and when those 5 things were used up, he couldn't tell her anything else that day. So the little guy learned to decide for himself which 5 things were important enough to tell the teacher about.

[J'etudie]

so we're hoping it'll get through one day. :D

 

Child: "Mooommmyyy, B just--"

Parent: "Is his life in danger?"

Child: "No."

Parent: "Is this something positive you'd like to tell me about B?"

Child: "No."

 

End of conversation. (Although the 3yo has been known to run down the hall claiming life endangerment just to get the story out. :D)

 

Also, we have a small house so we usually already know what the tattler is about to say. If it's a bickering/annoying sibling issue, we often cut them off before they start and ask them if they've addressed the issue with the offender. They can only come to us if they've attempted to work it out with the sibling first.

[ProudGrandma]

thanks! I appreciate all of the responses...I plan to list them all in one spot...and decide which way to go...but you all have great ideas and I thank you LOTS!!!!!

[stripe]

I would help them learn to resolve the issue themselves. I would never punish a child for telling me something that bothered them.

 

I agree. NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman has an interesting discussion about (American) parents' loathing of tattling above all else -- studies show it is punished VASTLY more than lying, which in their opinion, leads to children learning they can't come to their parents for help in bad situations.

 

I encourage my children to speak to each other first, to give the other the chance to make it right. I also try to work with both of them to settle arguments. I do want them to come to me when one is out of control. It's dangerous otherwise.

 

I think your reaction will shape their behavior and feelings. If you don't fly into high gear, if you calmly help or give some vague response (John's putting on his underwear BACKWARDS!), they will get the idea.

[mhaddon]

My pastor's wife was a 1st grade teacher for many years. She told me that she had the tattle jar and if a student wanted to tattle they could write it on a slip and put it in the jar. She figured if it was important enough for them to take the time and write down then it was worth looking into and doing something about. I always thought this was a great idea for those old enough to write :)

[Suzanne in ABQ]

thanks! I appreciate all of the responses...I plan to list them all in one spot...and decide which way to go...but you all have great ideas and I thank you LOTS!!!!!

 

I'll add one more to your list. I usually ask my tattling dd, "Are you telling me this because you're worried about him, or are you telling me to get him in trouble?"

 

If she's tattling, she'll usually say, "Oh, never mind," and walk away. If she says she's worried, I listen.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I agree. NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman has an interesting discussion about (American) parents' loathing of tattling above all else -- studies show it is punished VASTLY more than lying, which in their opinion, leads to children learning they can't come to their parents for help in bad situations.

 

 

 

Exactly. My parents would ignore me or yell at me for tattling when I would complain that my older brother was mean to me (he was 9 years older than me.) I learned that I couldn't go to my parents with my problems. My brother learned that it was OK to torment a little girl. My parents had an opportunity to teach my siblings and I how to have respectful relationships and missed it by punishing "tattling." Bullying can happen in families, too and the bullied need help learning how to stand up for themselves.

 

This doesn't mean that we react to every tattle, but we can listen for how our children are "working things out" and provide coaching when the solution isn't healthy.