How upsetting would this ds's behavior be to you?

[rookie]

And how would you deal with it?

 

DS 7 was mad at younger brother because DS 5 lied about something. DS7 put a tack on the hallway floor to get back at DS5.

 

DS7 has never done anything like this before. DH and I are really shocked.

 

DS7 says he did not think that it would really hurt DS5, just sting a little. BUT it was obviously planned out with the intention to hurt... even if just a little.

 

How disturbing is this? Our other DC have not acted this way and we are really at a loss/

 

By the way, DS7 lied to try to cover up his behavior. He only fessed up after a line of questioning tripped up his lies :glare:. We are not sure how sorry he really is or it he's just sorry he got caught.

 

We are also not sure what the "natural consequence" would be for this behavior.

 

Please help.

[Pajama Mama]

With his young age, I wouldn't be too concerned. I wouldn't be happy about it either. It definitely needs to be addressed. He needs to realize what he did was wrong--hurting is wrong. If you were sufficiently upset with him I doubt that it would happen again.

 

I would suggest addressing why he did it. If his brother lied, I would address that. I would suggest that he come to me when his little brother lies about something. I would also address that younger child and whatever the lie was about.

 

Use whatever works on your son as a consequence. You could ground or take away something. If it's never happened before maybe use it as a warning. Did the brother actually step on the tack?

 

Just think--some day this will be a FUNNY story that you tell. "Remember when you..."

[jacqui in mo]

I assume you pointed out to his lying to you is the same behavior that made him mad at his brother? (although at 7yo, I'm not sure that would be something they understand). I often make a sibling who has been mean to another one do a good deed for that sibling as a way to make up for their hurtful behavior (along with apologizing, of course). For example, I might have the offender do some of the injured party's chores for the day. I might also have them practice treating each other nicely by playing a game together (supervised) and even maybe going back and role playing the initial situation and think through what they could have done instead. HTH

[rookie]

One of the other siblings found it and reported it to DH.

[Chris in VA]

Was he trying to play "parent?" I remember ds (and dd does this, too, from time to time) taking responsibility for punishing siblings. Sometimes it happens b/c they are gaining awareness of rules (very rule-based stage) and want them reinforced. I'd have him serve the other and reinforce that he can rest in your parenting. A heightened awareness of justice issues/fairness is common, too.

[Renai]

With his young age, I wouldn't be too concerned.

 

I would be. He deliberately tried to hurt someone else to get back at him. I don't take that lightly at all. That's a seed we don't want to see grow.

[6packofun]

When I was about 5 or 6 I poked a safety pin into my 2yo sister's butt because she was annoying me. It was mean, but I turned out somewhat OK and don't have psychotic tendencies 99% of the time. LOL

 

Young children really do not realize the gravity of the consequences of some of their actions, so I would treat it the same as any other physical violence like hitting, slapping or kicking. I know it seems like there was so much more forethought in what your ds did, but not to a great extent that I'd be worried *more* about it compared to the other goofy things that children do. Unless...it is something that has happened before a few times or is escalating in some way.

 

At our house, we deal in good choices/bad choices, honoring people or dishonoring them and choosing peace for our family or disharmony. Make it clear what the consequences for such behavior are this time and that they WILL happen again every time the child chooses poorly. It will be OK.

[Aubrey]

Was he trying to play "parent?" I remember ds (and dd does this, too, from time to time) taking responsibility for punishing siblings. Sometimes it happens b/c they are gaining awareness of rules (very rule-based stage) and want them reinforced. I'd have him serve the other and reinforce that he can rest in your parenting. A heightened awareness of justice issues/fairness is common, too.

 

Oh! 2yo did this recently to 1yo--she told him to quit messing w/ Daddy's guitar (because *she* gets told to quit it all the time). When he didn't listen to her? She picked up a marble egg & punched him in the eye w/ it. :w00t:

 

She was really *shocked* that I wasn't grateful for her parenting help. "I helpin you, Mama!" she cried over his cries when she saw the look on my face. :lol:

[Pajama Mama]

I didn"t really mean not to worry at all> I just meant that with such a young age it"s easily correctable> i actually remember putting a straight pin in my brother"s carpet when i waas little> i had a change of heart and removed it> it definitely needs to be addressed> but the "premediation doesn"t indicate anything sinister>

 

Please forgive my hundred mistakes in my post> i accidently turned on the sticky keys and my keyboard is all wacky>

 

I would be. He deliberately tried to hurt someone else to get back at him. I don't take that lightly at all. That's a seed we don't want to see grow.

[ConnieB]

And how would you deal with it?

 

DS 7 was mad at younger brother because DS 5 lied about something. DS7 put a tack on the hallway floor to get back at DS5.

 

DS7 has never done anything like this before. DH and I are really shocked.

 

DS7 says he did not think that it would really hurt DS5, just sting a little. BUT it was obviously planned out with the intention to hurt... even if just a little.

 

How disturbing is this? Our other DC have not acted this way and we are really at a loss/

 

By the way, DS7 lied to try to cover up his behavior. He only fessed up after a line of questioning tripped up his lies :glare:. We are not sure how sorry he really is or it he's just sorry he got caught.

 

We are also not sure what the "natural consequence" would be for this behavior.

 

Please help.

 

 

The consequence for lying in our house is a loss of priviledges....what that priviledge is depends on the kid and what will bother them the most, for one it's no playing outside, another it's no movie time with dad, etc.

 

Consequences for intentionally hurting someone is to atone for what you did by spending a day focusing on their needs. The kids tend to call this "being their slave" but it gets the point across. The younger kids tend to make the older kids play with them for extended periods and there is no whining that Legos or Baby Dolls is boring, lol. Sometimes it's doing the other person's chores for a day. Eventually they get to the point where they do the "little things" for that person....bring their lunch plates in, offer them first dibs on something, etc. The point is to make amends by making the other person happy at the sacrifice of your own happiness. When they were fairly young, like your kids, I know they felt it was unjust punishment and didn't particularly see the reasoning behind it....but as they grew older and started learning about serving others in all the myraid of ways there are to do this, they started seeing that since you can't always fix the transgression, you can atone/amend for it in other ways. I do think it worthwhile to do even when they're not getting the true meaning behind the consequence, because I truly believe on some level it is getting in their brains, they just aren't ready to understand it yet. Plus I think starting it at a later age would be extremely difficult, lol.

 

So....in my house your DS5 would lose a priviledge for a day......DS7 would also lose a priviledge for a day for his lies, and then spend another day having to serve his brother for hurting him.

 

Something we started a bit after the above was that once the consequences are completed no one, including parents, are allowed to keep bringing them up, throwing them in their faces, etc. They pay their time and it wipes the slate clean. This has been especially important for the "worst offender" and the reason we instituted it....he was always in trouble and we'd make the consequences harsher for repeat offenses until he was misbehaving all the time and we finally discerned that it was because he felt he was never going to be "out of trouble" so it didn't really matter anymore. Much as I wanted multiple days for repeat offenses we wiped the slate clean and the consequence stayed the same even for minor/major offenses. They began to understand that making a mistake/misjudgment was bad, but it wasn't the end of your happiness...make it right and life goes on.

[rafiki]

.

[phathui5]

So....in my house your DS5 would lose a priviledge for a day......DS7 would also lose a priviledge for a day for his lies, and then spend another day having to serve his brother for hurting him.

 

I think that's a good way to deal with it.

[rookie]

and your childhood stories.

 

I was the youngest and suffered the "pins" from my older siblings but never "pinned" another so this feels very personal to me and I needed perspective and consequence ideas.

 

Many thanks.