What should I say to my sister? (re: adoption)

[Haiku]

My sister called me this morning. She has a seven year old son, and she told me that she and her husband are considering adopting a child about 5 years old. My sister has been unable to get pregnant since my nephew was born.

 

Without going into all the personal specifics, I don't think my sister and her husband have the best of motivations to adopt (not that they have evil intent, of course), nor do I think that they have the lifestyle and family climate to adopt an older child from an orphanage. (We have adopted two older children from orphanages.)

 

It's definitely not my place to tell my sister not to adopt or that I don't think her idea is a good one, but on the other hand, I don't think I can enthusiastically encourage her to pursue this. I want to encourage her to think more carefully about what she and her husband really want and what they can realistically handle (for example, due to their careers, they would not be able to cart their kid around to all the therapy appointments we have or have had in the past).

 

What would be a kind, diplomatic way to say this?

 

Tara

[MaMa2005]

You really need to lay out for her all the pros and cons of an older child adoption. Since you are already in the position of seeing what comes with an older child adoption, why don't you lay out a typical week in your life and then see if she would be able to do all the things that you are doing - therapies, bonding activites, etc.

 

In our toddler adoption, things have gone exceedingly well and it has given a false sense of ease to others who are considering an older child adoption (greater than 24 months). I can tell you that out of 5 families in our travel group, we are the ONLY ones who have not had significant problems. Two families are dealing with RAD, another with developmental issues, and two with undisclosed medical problems.

 

Perhaps you could point her to some good books to read about adoption and the issues that come with it. That way it is another source telling her things and not just you.

[Laurie4b]

I agree--a book or two might be a diplomatic way of doing it.

 

Are there support groups around for folks with older adoptive children? Inviting her to one might be eye-opening as well.

 

I agree that you're in a tough position as the sibling. It could sound like, "You are not as capable as we are" to a sibling's ear.

 

I wish, wish, wish that agencies were more forthcoming with parents about what they might be signing up for, and if families are not up for the worst case scenario, which is common, they should be discouraged from moving forward. OR kids should be better evaluated before being placed for adoption.

[specialmama]

Supplying her with reading material is the best way to go, IMO. You are her sister, and as such, should seek to support her in any way. By providing her with reading material, you're basically coming alongside her and helping her to acquire as much information as possible. Adoption (especially of an older child) goes much smoother the more prepared the parents are. Just help her research and help her become informed... be a sounding board she can turn to when she feels uber-confident and when she gets cold feet and doubts she can do it. (By the way, I've been wavering between these 2 extremes for over a year and I'm told it's not uncommon.) Your sister and her husband have to decide if it's right for them, what they can handle, etc.

[stripe]

Maybe you've inspired her. So you have to tread carefully.

 

I would try to have a discussion with her about the rewards and challenges you've found of adopting older children from orphanages, without "advising" her per se. I would also consider introducing her to any friends you may have that have also adopted older kids and / or taking her to any sorts of groups you may attend. I don't mean this in the "pass the buck" way, but more to provide her with a diversity of experiences (instead of thinking, "that's just Tara" / "that's just Tara's kids," for example) and other people to talk to.

 

I would also encourage her to pursue multiple options and understand the length the process may be, whatever the route.

[Haiku]

We adopted a special needs child and a non-special needs child. Our non-special needs child has turned out to have quite a truckload of issues, anyway. My sister lives halfway across the country and only sees us twice a year. She doesn't really "get" what it's like to have kids with issues, and my experience has shown me that most kids who have been adopted from orphanages struggle in some way.

 

Thank you for the advice to share books with her. I can definitely do that, and I think I will also send her an email that describes some typical situations in our life (both positive and not so).

 

Tara

[lionfamily1999]

I would leave the evaluating to whatever agency she's trying to adopt through (imo). It just seems like one of those topics that could cause a pretty big rift.

[Mrs Mungo]

I would leave the evaluating to whatever agency she's trying to adopt through (imo). It just seems like one of those topics that could cause a pretty big rift.

 

I tend to agree. What's the difference between this and telling someone that they shouldn't have another baby the normal way? Offering books about the experience is one thing but I think offering an opinion on what they should do would be extremely tricky.

[lionfamily1999]

I tend to agree. What's the difference between this and telling someone that they shouldn't have another baby the normal way? Offering books about the experience is one thing but I think offering an opinion on what they should do would be extremely tricky.

This is one of those super sensitive issues where something that seems like a perfectly fine comment can end up deeply hurting the other person.

[alpidarkomama]

My husband's father and stepmother adopted an infant (domestically) who at 5 started all kinds of therapies and medications. She had behaved normally up to that point. Suffice it to say that now at 20 she is not doing well at all and will never live independently.

 

So... when we had had two bio kids and were not able to have more (on our first date we both said we really wanted 4 kids!), we decided to adopt two children from Ethiopia (a baby and an 18-month-old). Stepmother-in-law told us not to do it. That we wouldn't have the medical, professional, therapeutical, and financial resources that she does to handle it. When we politely thanked her for her advice and continued with our plans for adoption anyway she became furious that we didn't cancel. She said there was a 95% chance that our children would be special needs (and she is a professional educational therapist!). Statistics simply don't back this up, especially for Ethiopia were the incidence of attachment disorders are much lower than in most other populations and fetal alcohol is nearly unheard of. She tried to convince my husband's mother to talk us out of it. She was absolutely livid that we wouldn't take her advice.

 

The adoption happened in April of 2008, and we couldn't be happier. Our two children have bonded 100% with us, are beloved by their siblings, are completely on target in their abilities, and are both very lovely children. They are completely sewn into our family. The stepmother has never spoken to us again, and we are dubious she will ever meet the children. What a loss.

 

Without specifics, it's hard to comment on your situation. What do you think are the "wrong" reasons to adopt? What makes them unfit to parent adopted children? Has your own experience been very difficult? It sounds like it may have been.

 

I know you mean well, but please tread carefully. If it's not handled well there could be permanent damage to the relationship, as happened in our case.

[Haiku]

I would leave the evaluating to whatever agency she's trying to adopt through (imo). It just seems like one of those topics that could cause a pretty big rift.

 

They aren't that far along yet. But you're right, it could cause a big rift, which is why I want to tread lightly. It's not that I think my sister and her husband are awful people or awful parents. I don't think that at all. I just think that with their lifestyle and family culture, adding an older adopted child could potentially be too much for them. My sister did, however, ask me, "What would you think if we adopted a five year old from an orphanage?" I deflected it today with, "Wow, that's a surprise! How long have you been thinking about this?" but she said she wants to call me this weekend to talk about it more.

 

Tara

Edited November 10, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator

[Mrs Mungo]

This is one of those super sensitive issues where something that seems like a perfectly fine comment can end up deeply hurting the other person.

 

Especially if the person making the comment is me, I'm sure there are people probably who are better are such things.

[lionfamily1999]

Especially if the person making the comment is me, I'm sure there are people probably who are better are such things.

:lol::lol: I trip over my tongue regularly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tara, I would just keep my mouth shut, if it was me, unless she asked a specific question and then only answer as it pertains to myself. IOW, do you think we can handle this? Well, it sure was hard for us (use examples)... do you think you could handle that? And then let her answer. Mine field is the best analogy I can think of for this type of conversation.

[Haiku]

What do you think are the "wrong" reasons to adopt?

 

Well, like I said, I don't plan to reveal personal details about their lives.

 

What makes them unfit to parent adopted children?

 

I never said that they are unfit. I said that I think their lifestyle and family culture could make parenting an older child adopted form an orphange very hard for them. That's quite different than thinking they are unfit.

 

Tara

Edited November 10, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator
formatting issue

[alpidarkomama]

I just meant the dictionary definition of "unfit" as in "unsuitable."

[Haiku]

We had issues with family members being unsupportive of our adoptions, and I refuse to do that to my sister. That's why I said,

I want to encourage her to think more carefully about what she and her husband really want and what they can realistically handle

and not, "How can I get my sister not to adopt?" If they go into this knowing what is possible and feeling confident in their ability to handle whatever may come, then I think that's great. I don't think they have gotten that far yet, so I want to say something that will encourage that.

 

I know that you are trying to be helpful, alpidoarkomama, but it kinda sounded like you thought I was trying to prevent my sister from adopting because I have had bad experiences, neither of which are true. Adopting older children is a lot different than adopting little kids and babies, and we have certainly had our challenges, but that's to be expected, and I want to help my sister understand that.

 

Tara

[Dobela]

PACT.org has some great resources available for people thinking of adoption. I can't find my copy now, but one item was a booklet of questions intended to make the person think about issues that could come their way.

 

Honestly, I would let them do as they want and leave it up to God. (if you are a Christian). When I look at the children we have adopted, and the children friends have adopted, so far they have fit perfectly with those families. We passed on 2 older children and friends adopted them. while they would have been too much for us, these children are thriving in the home of friends (that I also had doubts about taking in the kids). There is very likely a child or 2 that would do very well in their home. Unless they plan to adopt out of foster care, they will also most likely be well versed by the social workers who are assigned to them.

 

This is what I would do: Tell them you love that more people in the family are wanting to adopt. Then, tell her that when she is ready, you would love to share your experiences with her and that you are available to help them work thru decisions whenever they want. You only see her a couple times a year so your assessments of what they can do/are willing to do/ might do could also be wrong.

 

I would encourage her to visit groups like adoption.org and read the discussisons there.

[Denisemomof4]

We had issues with family members being unsupportive of our adoptions, and I refuse to do that to my sister. That's why I said, and not, "How can I get my sister not to adopt?" If they go into this knowing what is possible and feeling confident in their ability to handle whatever may come, then I think that's great. I don't think they have gotten that far yet, so I want to say something that will encourage that.

 

I know that you are trying to be helpful, alpidoarkomama, but it kinda sounded like you thought I was trying to prevent my sister from adopting because I have had bad experiences, neither of which are true. Adopting older children is a lot different than adopting little kids and babies, and we have certainly had our challenges, but that's to be expected, and I want to help my sister understand that.

 

Tara

 

I have been very outspoken here and to everyone I meet who approaches me about adoption. DO YOUR HOMEWORK, and especially look into attachment disorders. I sound like a broken record, but if your sister does all her homework ahead of time and KNOWS what to look for, she can begin her work right away. Again, my daughter was only 14 months old when we got her. I felt something was off right away, but after 2.5 years I was desperate for answers. We had this child, brought home at a mere 14 months of age, who completely and totally disrupted our family. She did so many alarming things that I was scared to death to see her get older. Dh and I both wondered if she would one day turn on us and .............. well I won't even go there. But things were really, really bad. Had I been informed by my HUGE agency about attachment disorder, I would have done things differently from day one. I made many, many mistakes. My main goal was not to upset my daughter and keep her comfortable and as happy as could be. I had help from my 3 kids and my husband. HUGE MISTAKE. For a kid from an orphanage, no matter WHAT the age, MOM needs to meet ALL the needs of the child and have PLENTY of rocking and cuddling. My daughter hated to be held and I didn't want to force myself on her. HUGE MISTAKE. She was 3.5, nearing 4, when I started my work on her. My family and my daughter should have never gone through such hell - HAD OUR AGENCY BEEN HONEST AND UPFRONT ABOUT ISSUES.

 

Adopting a five year old she can safely assume there will be huge issues. And I've read over and over that the child needs the same amount of time in the home to adjust that it had in the orphanage. So we're talking 10 years of age for a child adopted at 5.

 

I think it sounds like a lovely idea for people who truly don't know what they're getting into when considering adoption, especially an older child. If she goes into it informed, at least she won't be blind sided as I was. And I must say, if this is truly something she wants, I can't say enough how important it is that she consider staying at home with the child to give it every opportunity to truly LEARN WHAT FAMILY IS, and the important role of mother. The one bit of helpful advice our social worker gave us was for me to STAY HOME. My heart breaks for the girls adopted in our China group whose mothers and fathers both work full time. There's one little girl who is SO SICK (mentally/emotionally) and I think it's due in large part to the fact that mom and dad get home between 6:00 and 7:00, eat, bathe the girl, read her a story, then it's time for bed. She has never attached to her parents and it's been 5.5 years now. She was also around the same age as my daughter.

 

Now I will share again, it's not all doom and gloom here! My daughter is a gem and a complete joy NOW. We tried therapy but what's helped her most is the thousands of hours of research I've put into her and implementing what I've learned. We got to a place where for about 8 or 9 months things just seemed to peaceful, happy and normal. Then we lost both my parents and had a couple years of chaos. My dd went off the deep end, BUT, we are once again in a wonderful and beautiful place. I am SO completely certain we would NOT share this bond had I not kept her home with me. I homeschool my girls, we have a blast, and they will NEVER be put in school. I learned from my experience with my boys - NO SCHOOL.

 

So, I don't think you're doing any favors by NOT informing her. I wish someone had been brave enough to tell ME the truth. We probably would have adopted anyway, but I would have done my research while my daughter was still a baby and I'm absolutely CERTAIN that success would have come YEARS sooner, and our family could have been saved a huge amount of stress and grief.

Edited November 10, 2009 by Denisemomof4

[Denisemomof4]

I need to add that most people I speak to who are in the adoption process truly do NOT want to hear anything negative I have to say. But I speak my part in the hopes that if they notice any is "off" that hopefully they will do their research and help their daughter. Your sister may not want to hear anything negative, but I think it's really important she go into this realistically. so many people don't realistically approach adoption, myself included.

 

I think it's a shame that foster parents, who parent kids for a short period of time, sometimes longer, get a TON of training on how to meet the needs of these kids, learn how to help them attach, etc. But adoptive parents who pay through the nose for their child get NONE of that training. It's so unfair and it really irks me. I think EVERY adoptive parent should have to go to mandatory classes just as a foster parent does.

[nono]

I just think that with their lifestyle and family culture, adding an older adopted child could potentially be too much for them.

 

Figure out how to open this as a discussion. It sounds great to me just as you wrote it, but maybe you need to work on it so your sister will hear it "right."

 

People who have never adopted have no true concept of how parenting an adopted child differs from a biologic child. (This holds true for some parents post-adoption as well, unfortunately). And, they have no idea how even a 6 month old will come to you with a history!

 

Maybe she would be interested in how others, besides you, have fared with adoption. I'd be willing to share some of my personal story with her, of moving from a high flying career to SAHM living NOT the fairytale everyone on the outside was projecting onto me. ;)

[Haiku]

Thanks to everyone who has responded! It's given me a lot to think about!

 

Tara