Ummto4 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I need some input from hive ladies !! I know I can count on you for wisdom. This is about my sister's psychology problems. So I have a sister who has been married for almost 10 years and lives in Indonesia (we're Indonesian by the way). Since the start of the relationship, she knew that her prospective MIL didn't like her. Anyway, at that time, they went ahead and got married. At first she lived in her MIL's house and then moved to other house in the same city. At that time, she was also finishing up her degree. Because of the constant bickering, when she finished her degree the family moved to another area closer to my parent's town. She became a full time SAHM and she owns an online store. Her MIL never changes and even refuses to talk to her or sometimes talks in denigrating manner. It gets worse as the years gone by. She thinks my sister is not capable of looking after the husband and children properly and basically criticizes the way my sister runs the household. She (the MIL) is the perfectionist type when it comes to housekeeping, e.g. refuse to use washing machine because she thinks it does not clean the clothes properly, and also criticizes the use of mops (swiffer kind) while standing up because she thinks it's more proper to mop the floor while squating (KWIM). And on and on ... Now, my sister has always been the center of attention since childhood. She's good at making people laugh and has a lot of friends. My mom adores the way she mesmerizes people with her joke and stories. People adore her. So it's kind of a shock for her to see that her MIL despises her for years. Add to this is her loneliness when she moved to the new town 4 years ago. She needs the hustle and bustle of school life. Right now she's going back to do her graduate degree ( a month ago) and has a yoga class to help her with loneliness. She' s also pretty sensitive, so everything (even the simplest thing) can get bottled up and eventually snap. Because of those characteristic, she's now having health problem which has been diagnosed has something to do with her psychology (she had some minor problems along the way). Her biggest problem remains the MIL's attitude. My advice to her: - minimize contact with MIL. - don't think about MIL. - find a way to surround herself with people without having to resort to school ... (she has 1.5 years left for her master, so she has to think a way to satisfy her social needs without school). Easier said than done though, because she's very sensitive and can think too much about even the simplest thing. Now sensitive hives !! What's your tricks to cope with this characteristic ? Thanks a bunch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I think it's simply a matter of "old school" versus "new school". Her MIL does things the old way, and thinks the new way is inferior. There's just not much about that you can change, though your sister should certainly place boundaries on the criticism (or her husband should). There is a difference between thinking your ways are better and being rude. You know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Her husband should step in and protect his wife. Period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 The problem isn't exactly the MIL, the standards, the culture. The problem is that your sister has too permeable boundaries. It doesn't *matter* how she keeps home, whether she cooks, cleans, works, how she raises kids. The problem is that, essentially, evaluation of that is not MIL's responsibility. I agree with Remudamom: Where is the DH in all this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Her husband should step in and protect his wife. Period. :iagree: Honestly, IMO, this isn't a problem with her mil. It's her (your sister's) problem. If I let myself be consumed by caring about all the people who don't approve of the way we run our family; well, I'd go crazy. I'd literally be able to spend my entire life doing that. My own mil doesn't approve of the way dh and I run our family. So what? I'm still kind to her, still respectful of her. I even genuinely care about her. Fact is, it's our life (dh and I), and we'll do whatever the Lord tells us to, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Same with my own parents. And two of my sisters. And, well, a lot of people who we know who don't care for our beliefs or the way we live them out. It's not that we don't care. It's not that we WANT to offend anyone else. It's just that dh and I have accepted that as a fact of life. It's just the way it is. And to us, doing what the Lord's will is for our life is more important than the disapproval of anyone, including our parents. The Bible tells us that we are blessed when we are persecuted; when people revile us, when they say all kinds of evil against us for His name's sake. A very dear brother of ours once said 'We should care more for the souls of man than for the feelings of man'. I like that. To us, true love is caring about someone's eternal salvation more than their temporary feelings. Some people hated Jesus, hated the way he lived, hated who he was so much that they crucified him. Why should I expect any different as his follower? Now that I said all that, I have no idea if that relates to your sister or not, since I don't know if she's a Christian. So, this may be of no help at all, LOL. It's just my experience; how I deal with this in my life. Blessings, Bethany Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ummto4 Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 Thanks, I'm forwarding the response to my sister. Keep them coming ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I think it's simply a matter of "old school" versus "new school". Her MIL does things the old way, and thinks the new way is inferior. There's just not much about that you can change, though your sister should certainly place boundaries on the criticism (or her husband should). There is a difference between thinking your ways are better and being rude. You know? :iagree: Her husband should step in and protect his wife. Period. :iagree: I agree the issue is with your sister, however, it may help for her to hear this and understand this. It can shift something in her mind if she understands where it is coming from... I have had issues with my MIL who is very old school from an island in Greece. She was always competing with me, never accepting me. Finally, while we were talking to a psychologist regarding my son's diagnosis and my MIL's strong reaction, he explained this to me: when a women raises her children, survives whatever, and she thrives and her family thrives... there is a shift in her thinking the moment her son looks at a potential wife. All of a sudden there is "competition", but it is not true competition. Look, it's a human thing: a doctor working for 50 years, and all of a sudden a new doctor is sharing the office. Sure, the new one feels they need approval, they may even have to proove themselves. The older one may coach them, mentor them, or "compete" with them. In both situations (the new wife and MIL, old dr and new dr) what the elder is really looking for is a pat on the back. They want some sort of recognition (respect) that hey, you have done a great job! Look at how your kids turned out! Your years went to something of quality and weren't wasted! What they really want is the newer person to recognize that this was their turf, and they did a great job. They want to be involved. They want the new DIL to ask the MIL her advice on recipes, how to put a child to sleep, how to wash the floor, etc. This honors them. Now I'm not saying all women are like that, or all doctors, but there seems to be quite a few of them, and it seems that this is what they are after: respect and recognition. Then, there are those that you just need to put out of your life because they're toxic and incurable a$$es. :lol: But I'm willing to put my money on the former in this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 :iagree: :iagree: I agree the issue is with your sister, however, it may help for her to hear this and understand this. It can shift something in her mind if she understands where it is coming from... I have had issues with my MIL who is very old school from an island in Greece. She was always competing with me, never accepting me. Finally, while we were talking to a psychologist regarding my son's diagnosis and my MIL's strong reaction, he explained this to me: when a women raises her children, survives whatever, and she thrives and her family thrives... there is a shift in her thinking the moment her son looks at a potential wife. All of a sudden there is "competition", but it is not true competition. Look, it's a human thing: a doctor working for 50 years, and all of a sudden a new doctor is sharing the office. Sure, the new one feels they need approval, they may even have to proove themselves. The older one may coach them, mentor them, or "compete" with them. In both situations (the new wife and MIL, old dr and new dr) what the elder is really looking for is a pat on the back. They want some sort of recognition (respect) that hey, you have done a great job! Look at how your kids turned out! Your years went to something of quality and weren't wasted! What they really want is the newer person to recognize that this was their turf, and they did a great job. They want to be involved. They want the new DIL to ask the MIL her advice on recipes, how to put a child to sleep, how to wash the floor, etc. This honors them. Now I'm not saying all women are like that, or all doctors, but there seems to be quite a few of them, and it seems that this is what they are after: respect and recognition. Then, there are those that you just need to put out of your life because they're toxic and incurable a$$es. :lol: But I'm willing to put my money on the former in this situation. What great advice! :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 God intended for your sister to be free to enjoy and pursue her life- it is up to each of us to claim the freedom He offers. The replies you've gotten are right:- It is up to your sister to establish boundaries AND her husband needs to intervene. He needs to step up and protect his wife. Some husbands are chicken to do that and it sounds like his mom is strong-willed. Has she been a controlling personality most of his life? Not an unusual situation. But it can be remedied. :) I don't know if Amazon mails to Indonesia, but you could send these to her, if they don't. I can't tell you how highly I recommend these and how much they've helped me. Hope things get better for her. She's blessed to have a sis who loves her. The Mom Factor by Cloud and Townsend http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Factor-John-Townsend/dp/0310225590/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256050696&sr=1-1 Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Participants-Guide%C3%A2%C2%80%C2%94Revised-When-Control/dp/0310278082/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256051008&sr=1-1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 God intended for your sister to be free to enjoy and pursue her life- it is up to each of us to claim the freedom He offers.The replies you've gotten are right:- It is up to your sister to establish boundaries AND her husband needs to intervene. He needs to step up and protect his wife. Some husbands are chicken to do that and it sounds like his mom is strong-willed. Has she been a controlling personality most of his life? Not an unusual situation. But it can be remedied. :) I don't know if Amazon mails to Indonesia, but you could send these to her, if they don't. I can't tell you how highly I recommend these and how much they've helped me. Hope things get better for her. She's blessed to have a sis who loves her. The Mom Factor by Cloud and Townsend http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Factor-John-Townsend/dp/0310225590/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256050696&sr=1-1 Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Participants-Guide%C3%A2%C2%80%C2%94Revised-When-Control/dp/0310278082/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256051008&sr=1-1 WONDERFUL book recs!!! :thumbup: Kudos to JVA!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 This is definitely a cultural thing, and I can understand that it is probably hard/impossible for your brother-in-law to "stand up" to his mother, but maybe he could jokingly redirect it by saying, "Let's not talk about mops and whatnot, let's do something fun with you instead" and also for your sister to do as little housework in front of the MIL as possible. Do mopping, laundry, etc when she's not around, since they don't live together. And yes, she is going to have to make sure her kids and husband don't show up in dirty clothes. ;) Maybe your sister should suggest that her husband and his mother spend lots of time together, go on outings, just the two of them (in other words, without her along!), and just don't worry about what the MIL says behind her back. The other approach would be to go to the MIL and say, you know, I'm really sorry that we've spent 10 years doing so much arguing, I'd really like to have a more pleasant relationship because it's really wonderful for my kids to have you as their grandmother, and continue to flatter her like that, and spend time doing something, try out some kind of traditional thing that your sister could maybe learn from her MIL like making some kind of food or craft, where the MIL could show off her skills and knowledge and be respected *without* it being about your sister's failings and wacky modern approach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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