My daughter sent a picture........

[gingersmom]

My daughter goes to sleep away camp and met a boy at a dance (from the boys camp).

 

They have been emailing back and forth and I have been reading the emails. Apparently she has snuck on the computer without me knowing (it is out where I can see it) and she sent him a picture of her (at his request).

 

I was shocked she had managed to go on without me knowing and even more shocked she sent a picture of herself without asking/telling me.

 

I told her that it was unacceptable to send a picture without me asking me first. I am trying not to make a huge issue out of it but I think I am about to blow.

 

She is 12 and the boy is 12.

 

Am I over reacting?

[MommyRyan]

She has met the boy in person, right? If so, I don't think it should be too, too big of a deal. As long as the picture was appropriate, of course. Do you know where the boy is from? If she really likes him, maybe you could ask her if you could meet him before she continues to correspond with him? Not suggesting you allow her to date or anything, of course this all depends on your beliefs on that. But if the picture is appropriate, and the boy is nice, her age, etc. I would not worry too much about it. I would be more upset that she snuck around to do it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ditto. Doing it behind your back is the problem. I would do something (like lock the computer with a password that only you and your dh know) for when you are not in that general area. I would also give consequences but not necessarily cut off the relationship (unless you really don't want the relationship).

[LaxMom]

:iagree:

 

Sending a picture of yourself (assuming it's an appropriate picture) to someone you know in real life is no big deal. Sneaking around is.

[katilac]

Are you certain that she was sneaking to do it, or is it possible she didn't realize this would be a big deal? Does she have to ask to use the computer in general, was she breaking that rule? Do you have set rules about emailing?

 

fwiw, unless you have a set rule about it, I wouldn't think twice about her sending a picture, assuming it was just a plain ol' pic you'd share with grandma or anyone. personally, I'd be more okay with my tween emailing a pic of herself to a boy she knows than being at a dance with him.

 

before you talk to her again, clarify in your mind what your upset about. is it that she sent the picture at all? or because she was sneaky about it? if she had asked, what would you have told her?

[LauraGB]

My 12 would lose all e-mail and computer privileges for a good amount of time for sneaking around. It's not as much the picture as the dishonesty imo. I would come down hard on this btw because lying in our house is petty much the worst thing you can do.

:iagree: The picture? :glare: (considering they already know each other - if not, then the response changes drastically).

 

The lying? Definitely the punishable offense.

[Tree House Academy]

:iagree:

 

Sending a picture of yourself (assuming it's an appropriate picture) to someone you know in real life is no big deal. Sneaking around is.

 

:iagree:

[Tangerine]

Did she really sneak on the computer? Is she required to get permission every time she uses it? If that's the case, then I suppose the sneaking is the problem.

 

If she just sent a regular photo to a boy she knows, I would have zero problem with that. It seems their friendship is a pretty open book if you read their emails. If she understands the different expectations between sending a picture to a friend vs. sending one to a stranger on the internet, then I think it's hunky dory.

[gingersmom]

She always asks permission to go on the computer.

 

From re-reading the emails it appears that she was emailing part of the time (the time I did not know about) from the library. I am at the library with her but she goes to the young adult section and I stay in the childrens section with her brother.

 

I think what worries me about the picture is that my daughter is fairly naive and is a people pleaser. You hear on the news about young girls sending half-naked or worse photos of themselves on their cell phones to boys and other friends.

 

I just never would have thought she would have done something like this without asking first.

 

I am going to sit down and discuss it with her in the morning.

 

I don't think I am ready for a teenager.

[Barb_]

Guys, don't you remember being 12? How do you tell Mom you have a crush on a boy and you want to send him a picture? She was embarrassed. And Gingersmom, you are probably weirded out that this new phase has snuck up on you. Be gentle with her...not punitive. Explain your point of view and help her to understand you were 12 once and that she can always come to you about this sort of thing. That she should have shared this information with you but that you understand how she would feel funny. In the future, when in doubt she should always ask permission first. Then leave it at that. How you handle this will set the tone for her teen years. You want her to feel like she can come to you when she has questions about boys or when she is confused.

 

:grouphug: It's hard when they suddenly aren't little isn't it? Discovering the opposite sex is natural. Being embarrassed about it at first is natural. Take her by the hand and guide her where you want her to go.

 

Barb

[Barb_]

She always asks permission to go on the computer.

 

From re-reading the emails it appears that she was emailing part of the time (the time I did not know about) from the library. I am at the library with her but she goes to the young adult section and I stay in the childrens section with her brother.

 

I think what worries me about the picture is that my daughter is fairly naive and is a people pleaser. You hear on the news about young girls sending half-naked or worse photos of themselves on their cell phones to boys and other friends.

 

I just never would have thought she would have done something like this without asking first.

 

I am going to sit down and discuss it with her in the morning.

 

I don't think I am ready for a teenager.

 

I didin't read this before I posted mine. I just want to add, I understand your worries. I think it's a good idea to address this at a later date using articles, but not during this particular talk. She will be *mortified* if you think she is capable of something like this. You want this first talk to be positive. Then later you can have her read an article and discuss it in general terms. Kids don't like to know their parents see them as sexual beings any more than they like to think of their parents that way, KWIM?

 

When I addressed this with my girls, I told them I thought *they* had good heads on their shoulders but that here is what happens with some kids, we should talk about it in case they find out a friend has done it, why it's a bad idea, how a girl could possibly be talked into it in the first place, etc. That way I was able to assert my own feelings on the subject (and feel them out as well) without having them melt of embarrassment.

 

Barb