How have you helped your young child with a temper to gain self-control?

[HappyGrace]

Ds6 is very easy-going until something sets him off. It used to be more minor-just when he was frustrated, he'd throw his pencil down and stomp off or some such thing. Now I see it branching out into other areas and starting to be more of a problem. And not only is it in other areas, but the manifestation is worse-starting to shriek and throw something, and his entire face changes with anger.

 

I've never had a temper or been close with any people who do, so I'm not sure how to help him, but I really need to help him make major changes. Has anyone successfully dealt with this with a child? Or even if you have a temper, what has helped you to gain self-control?

[Moni]

Tell him in detail what is going to happen next, or can happen.

Role play.

But really, go into great detail.

Verbally paint him a picture he can see in his mind of a scenario (with details), explain possible reactions (again, paint the picture for his mind),

 

Can you give a very specific example or two?

 

:seeya:

[HappyGrace]

Hmm...role-playing might work! We have used role-playing with great success with his shyness in meeting people. We practice eye contact, shaking hands, clear speaking voice, etc. I never thought to try it with the anger.

 

For instance, a frustration example-if he can't fold something right to put it away properly like he wants, he would throw the thing on the floor. Now, he does that PLUS scream and maybe throw it at the wall.

 

Now today I couldn't quickly get to help him get his toy that went behind the couch, and he screamed and threw all the pillows off the couch. Of course I discipline him every time (time out), but I'd like to find a way to help him nip it in the bud so he can catch himself before he acts out.

 

It's so weird because he's usually so easy-going.

 

So how would you role-play this out? Really, I don't know how to role-play it because I don't understand how someone is feeling when they get like that and how to help them control it.

 

We've talked about it in times of peace, how the Bible says in your anger, not to sin, but he really needs the HOW to do that.

[kalanamak]

Tell him in detail what is going to happen next, or can happen.

Role play.

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Thinking-Child-Everyday-Conflicts/dp/0671534637

 

This book nips bad behavior in the bud.

[dands]

I have a 3 and a half year old son that just screams and stomps as he walks away and he throws the door behind him. I could hear him thowing the toys and clothes out of the bins and drawers. He speaks this foreign language that i most of the time cannot comprehend. He changes his mind "milk" "no" "juice" and back and forth. When i don't feed on that behavior he gets angry and screams and stomps..... The whole process begins again and again. This is just one example of many. He will do this many times a day. By the end of the day I am spent.

 

What I see working is when i immitate his behavior. It really stops him in his tracks to see me acting like him. Then he says smiling "Mommy stop!"

"Please stop". This is when i have the chance to talk with him and explain his behavior is wrong. He doesn't speak clearly, but he understands. He then is sorry, till the next time.

 

Other times when i have more energy, i just hug him and give him love.

Lots of hugs, soft voice and much understanding (This process takes a long time) and get his mind distracted from whatever upsets him.

 

I am in the learning process and looking for answers as well. I am glad you brought this up.

 

I bought the book "The Heart of Anger by Priolo. I think that may have something to teach.

[Dawn in OH]

My son has a temper. He will have fits and twist and contort, turn red, and yell, stomp, etc.

 

Since he seems to have my temper, I thought about what I need when I'm angry. For me, I need to be left alone to calm down, otherwise everything and anything, will further annoy me.

 

So I made a seat for my son where he is to sit when he's having a fit. Dad and I won't bother him there. His brother and sister can't get to him there. It's his seat to go to to calm down and get control of his temper. He has to sit there until he is visibly calm and speak without a nasty tone.

 

He hated it at first. I made it clear that this was not "punishment" but something to help him. Over time he needed to go to his seat less and less often. I started doing this when he was 6 (wish I would have thought of it sooner) and he's now 8. He rarely needs to use his seat anymore. Every now and then he will even go to this spot on his own.

[Moni]

It really depends on what this Stems From.

Some kids have minor anxiety issues (or major).

And I mean brain reaction, not emotional feelings.

 

Some have unrealistic expectations for themselves.

Some get embarrassed when they can't do it right, etc.

 

Usually when you find what is the root, you can address this.

 

:seeya:

[Sue G in PA]

No advice but we are going through the same thing with our 6yo. It has gotten so bad that we finally had to take him to a behavioral psych. We are hopeful that with therapy he can learn to control his anger and vent in safe and acceptable ways.

[Amy in NH]

When my big boys were young and having a temper, I'd tell them it was okay to feel angry sometimes. I'd encourage them especially to use their words, and even to yell. I think they need to find okay ways to vent their anger, so I'd offer them a choice of running around the outside of the house, hammering nails into a board, or tearing up a really big phone book (an idea I got from a child therapist). I'd leave those things in places where they were easily accessible, and when we had a temper flare up I'd send them to whichever one was closest or hand them the phone book. Eventually we got a punching bag set up in the garage. After the anger subsided, we'd talk about why they felt angry, the fact that you are the only person who can "make" yourself feel something, and what might have been a better way to handle the situation that made them lose control.

 

We have also used deep breathing to calm ourselves (them) when upset, not only/necessarily angry. When they were little, and needed to calm themselves, I'd hold their face (gently) so they were looking at my face, and I'd tell them (calmly) that they needed to take a deep breath and get themselves under control. Then, I'd take deep breaths while encouraging them to breathe along with me (take a slow deep breath, count to 3, let it out slowly). This seemed to work very well, and eventually they were able to take a few deep breaths to calm themselves when I suggested it (without so much participation from me).

 

It's been a very long time since I've had to do these things, and my boys are generally able to control themselves very well. My oldest (the one with the biggest temper problem when he was little) tells me that he is now able to walk away and take a break if he is doing something that is really frustrating him.

 

HTH!

[HappyGrace]

I was gone all day-I'm back now!

 

I had thought about having him punch a pillow, since I'd heard of that before, but I felt I shouldn't encourage him to punch when he's mad. I like the idea of the deep breathing; I will try that.

 

I ordered the books too. Thanks!

[melissel]

Thanks for this thread. My DD4 is JUST like that. Discipline has helped some, but I'm at a loss as to how to teach anger management, because...let's just say, that wasn't a strong point in my family :(

 

So I'm reading and :lurk5:!

[Karen in CO]

My 4yo has a temper. She's like a thunderstorm and always has been. When she gets angry, the best thing for her is to stop and sit calmly beside her and let her storm blow through. I will offer her my arms to shelter herself in if she needs it, but sometimes she just can't move yet and I'll ask if she wants me to hold her. If she nods, I wrap my arms around her and rock her until she calms down. If not, then I wait a few minutes and try again.

 

Her storms blow themselves out and aren't a discipline problem.

 

Once she is calm, we can talk about what happened. She'll often start crying when we discuss the situation that started the problem. We'll figure out how to prevent it from happening again and what to do about the immediate situation.

 

My 8yo doesn't have tantrums like that, but often she will not know how to deal with her frustrations. She hates to be misunderstood, and some days things just go wrong. She is also beginning to show problems with early stages of a sugar metabolic problem which is common in our family. For her, we have been studying yoga. The Sun Salutation and the Mountain pose are perfect for helping her to remember to stop and collect herself. I try to help her circumvent most of her frustrations that would turn to anger by helping her to keep an eye on her food - has she had enough protein and complex carbohydrates? When was the last time she ate? Is that cute little sister trying to push her over the edge?

 

Each of us is different, and I think it is import for us to help our children understand, name, and manage their feelings. There is nothing wrong with anger or frustration. It is just a matter of what we do next that matters.