Help me figure out what to tell the piano teacher

[Perry]

My dd has taken piano from the local elementary school music teacher for the last several years. She is in high demand and we were lucky to get a spot with her. The first years were good, but last year was a real disappointment. Her parents have been having lots of medical problems, and she has been under lots of stress. She also had surgery last spring. Anyway, we ended up having lessons once or twice a month, instead of weekly. Dd said she would sometimes start crying in the middle of a lesson, and was irritable and crabby much of the time. I spoke to her several times and she was definitely distracted and not her usual self. I have no hard feelings towards her and I'm sorry things have been so difficult, but her situation hasn't changed and I anticipate the same problems this year. I know she has lost several long-term students this year, so I don't think I'm overestimating how much this has affected her teaching.

 

Dd really wants a new piano teacher. I sent an email last night telling Mrs. B thanks for all her hard work, but dd has decided not to continue lessons. I hoped that would be the end of it, but this morning I had an email from her:

 

{removed}

 

I hate these kind of situations. She really is a nice lady and I don't want to hurt her feelings. Telling her that her personal situation is interfering with her teaching makes me feel like a cold-hearted b****.

 

DD's out of town this weekend and I haven't talked to her yet, but I'm sure she will *NOT* be comfortable talking to her.

 

What would you say?

 

I'm going to leave the email up for a few hours, then edit it out. I'd be horrified if Mrs B ever saw it.

Edited August 24, 2009 by Perry

[AuntieM]

I think you gave her the wrong impression that dd is discontinuing piano altogether. This response seems like one that would come from a teacher who wants to encourage a student not to quit.

 

I think you must tell her that dd will be taking lessons elsewhere. You can say it's for convenience in your schedule, because she needs a "fresh" approach so she won't lose interest... thank her profusely, but I don't think your explanation needs to be extensive. Keep it short and sweet.

 

And forgo the "closure." That's not really for your daughter, it's for the teacher. Have dd write her a nice thank you note, but skip the face-to-face.

 

FWIW, we have had 5 piano teachers over the years. It is hard to have to "fire" one, but it is a business arrangement that must display a good return on your investment to make it worth the money. It also sounds like dd is sort of stuck in an emotional situation that is something she should not be subject to at her age. Of course, she needs to understand compassion, but I'm imagining her sitting alone in a room with the piano and that teacher when the teacher has a meltdown... can't be comfortable for your sweet gal.

Edited August 22, 2009 by AuntieM

[HollyinNNV]

We have a piano teacher that also went through some heartbreaks. However, it has not affected her teaching, at least not that I can tell.

 

If this were me, I would first make a list of grievances. Then, I would go over and talk to her in person. Finally, I would give her a chance to change. Yes, it is a business transaction, but any of us who have been with a music teacher for years (7 yrs for us) knows that it becomes much more than that. I think that your teacher deserves to know the unvarnished truth. Be tactful, but don't hold any problems back.

 

Then, after the first bad lesson, quit. You've done the right thing. You can move on.

 

I do not believe in lying to music teachers because in the end, it will probably bite you in the butt. (ask me how I know this?) First, music teachers talk. She will find out EXACTLY why you quit, eventually. Second, you will probably see her at music functions. Do you want to walk into an event and wonder if she knows? Third, this is a great opportunity to model the difficulty of "doing the right thing" for your daughter. Telling the truth can suck! But, I believe it pays off in the end.

 

I feel for you. We have lots of lessons going and it would tie my stomach in knots to go through your situation!!!

Holly

[Night Elf]

Oh gosh, that is an uncomfortable mess. But I do agree with you and think it's time for your dd to move on to another teacher. I don't think any excuse is going to be easy to tell her unless you were moving! Since she's been with the teacher for a while, perhaps telling her that you believe a change in teachers would help your dd to grow more in music.

 

Our music teacher is a professional musician, runs an extra-curricular fine arts organization, has 3 very talented musical children who take lessons with other people, and offers music lessons at the same price as when she started many years ago. We pay only $15 for 30 mins. But even she realizes that at some point, a student needs more than one teacher because each mentor brings something unique to the student's experiences.

 

If you would rather stay closer to the real truth, you could be absolutely honest and speak to her yourself and save your dd that most uncomfortable position.

[ConnieB]

My dd has taken piano from the local elementary school music teacher for the last several years. She is in high demand and we were lucky to get a spot with her. The first years were good, but last year was a real disappointment. Her parents have been having lots of medical problems, and she has been under lots of stress. She also had surgery last spring. Anyway, we ended up having lessons once or twice a month, instead of weekly. Dd said she would sometimes start crying in the middle of a lesson, and was irritable and crabby much of the time. I spoke to her several times and she was definitely distracted and not her usual self. I have no hard feelings towards her and I'm sorry things have been so difficult, but her situation hasn't changed and I anticipate the same problems this year. I know she has lost several long-term students this year, so I don't think I'm overestimating how much this has affected her teaching.

 

Dd really wants a new piano teacher. I sent an email last night telling Mrs. B thanks for all her hard work, but dd has decided not to continue lessons. I hoped that would be the end of it, but this morning I had an email from her:

 

I hate these kind of situations. She really is a nice lady and I don't want to hurt her feelings. Telling her that her personal situation is interfering with her teaching makes me feel like a cold-hearted b****.

 

DD's out of town this weekend and I haven't talked to her yet, but I'm sure she will *NOT* be comfortable talking to her.

 

What would you say?

 

I'm going to leave the email up for a few hours, then edit it out. I'd be horrified if Mrs B ever saw it.

 

I agree with the others, I don't think a face to face between teacher and student is going to accomplish anything. Your DD should not be put in the position to have to explain why she's leaving, and with the way it was worded, teachers appears to think she is quitting playing so then your DD would be in the awkward position of having to tell her she's not quitting, which would then leave your DD having to explain the leaving is of the teacher.

 

I'd either ignore the email and hope that the teacher can take the hint (after all if she's lost other students she is aware of the reasons whether she wants to admit it or not)....or if teacher pursued and called me I'd simply explain that DD did not feel rejected or any of the other things that teacher worried about, and tell teacher that this was not a decision made lightly and that now that it's been made you don't want to put undue pressure on DD about her decision. And let her know that you realize that DD can return to teacher if the decision changes. That doesn't promise anything, but it also doesn't burn bridges which hurting her feelings by telling her to real reason might do. Then I would have DD write her a note of thanks for bringing her skills to such a level and giving her such encouragement, etc etc. And then I'd let it go.

 

Sending your DD over to teacher would only be detrimental for DD...as it's inevitable that teacher will try to either discern the real reason for leaving or worse, try to talk DD into staying "I promise this year will be better" type of thing, which is completely unfair to DD to have to endure. And while I'd love to think that teacher wouldn't do this, because it's unfair to do to a student, I'm also thinking that teacher is probably feeling desperate to not lose any more students. On top of everything else happening in her life losing her income just adds to her stress. It doesn't sound like she's been able to keep her professionalism during her lessons if she's allowed her life situation to cause her to cry during lessons. That's inappropriate on every level to do with a young child (with you as a friend might be different, but not with a child).

 

I wish your DD all the best as she continues her studies.....if the teacher's comments are accurate it sounds like she is a wonderful player!

[mooooom]

It's a fact that she missed over 50% of the scheduled lessons. It's also a fact that she seemed distracted and not always encouraging and pleasant. If you think about it, it is not very professional to start crying in the middle of a lesson - once is excusable - but frequently is not. Neither is cancelling a lot of lessons.

 

You may be helping her out by telling her the truth, sounds like nobody else was willing to do that, or she wouldn't be asking.

 

You and your daughter feel that her personal problems were interfering with the lessons, you hope that her situation improves, but that your daughter would be happier in a different situtuation.

[hornblower]

I agree with AuntieM

 

Just a quick note - "Oooops I think I gave you the impression she's quitting altogether! Sorry about that. She will be continuing somewhere else. Thanks for everything and best wishes."

 

The end.

 

I don't think you need to tell her about the missed lessons or the crying or anything. If she's not delusional she KNOWS. Surely she should be able to look at a calendar & see how many lessons have been cancelled.

 

She's either aware or she's not aware. And if she's not aware, then you telling her won't change it. I would not go there because I suspect she'll guilt trip you.

 

And no, closure is not necessary. I would not even address that in your email. Just ignore it.

[mominbc]

We have had to change teachers over the years and one time in particular was horrible. The thing to keep remembering is that your daughter wants the change and untimately its about her and the love of music. I would focus on the missed lessons. I would tell the teacher that it was really hard on your daughter having to miss so many lessons and you know it couldn't be helped but your daughter really wants some consistancy. She has to have known as a teacher that it would be hard on students never knowing it there was a lesson or not. You may have to be strong about it but remember its about your daughter. Just my opinion:)

[atara]

 

I do not believe in lying to music teachers because in the end, it will probably bite you in the butt. (ask me how I know this?) First, music teachers talk. She will find out EXACTLY why you quit, eventually. Second, you will probably see her at music functions. Do you want to walk into an event and wonder if she knows? Third, this is a great opportunity to model the difficulty of "doing the right thing" for your daughter. Telling the truth can suck! But, I believe it pays off in the end.

 

Holly

 

I totally agree with Holly! Don't lie! Besides, your honesty and tact may be the very thing she needs to hear. It doesn't serve anyone to lie. Good luck!

[JFSinIL]

It's a fact that she missed over 50% of the scheduled lessons. It's also a fact that she seemed distracted and not always encouraging and pleasant. If you think about it, it is not very professional to start crying in the middle of a lesson - once is excusable - but frequently is not. Neither is cancelling a lot of lessons.

 

You may be helping her out by telling her the truth, sounds like nobody else was willing to do that, or she wouldn't be asking.

 

You and your daughter feel that her personal problems were interfering with the lessons, you hope that her situation improves, but that your daughter would be happier in a different situtuation.

 

I agree - and this can't come as much of a surprise to the teacher, if other students have also left. She needs to try and pull herself together if she intends to keep teaching - otherwise she should take time off from teaching.

[Perry]

I totally agree with Holly! Don't lie! Besides, your honesty and tact may be the very thing she needs to hear. It doesn't serve anyone to lie. Good luck!

 

I didn't and wouldn't lie. I was asking for some ideas on how to handle the situation tactfully.

 

Thanks to those who gave me some great ideas. I'm sending an email off today.