S/O of happiness thread: Do you think it's possible to change your nature/mindset?

[melissel]

I've been contemplating the happiness thing lately as well. I grew up very close to my extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, a cousin or two). With a few exceptions, they tend to be morose, negative, judgmental people (as much as I love them all!). I can recall when I realized as a teen that, without fail, when we sat down to family dinners, the conversation centered on negative things: the idiot in line at the grocery store, the person who gave someone a hard time in traffic, the corrupt government, etc. I've tried hard to rise above this, but it's definitely very much a part of me at this point.

 

Do you think this kind of thing can be changed in oneself? If so, how? I know, objectively, that there's much joy to be found in life, but what if you can't seem to feel the joy and everything is colored by the negative? If you don't think you can change this, how do you embrace yourself as you are?

 

I really, really don't want to pass this on to my kids. My DH is a happy, life-is-good kind of guy, and I want that for the girls. I just don't know if I have it in me. Gah!

 

TIA for your insight.

[Perry]

I do think you can change a lot of negative thinking. Or at least you can choose not to verbalize it. ;) But I don't believe you can change your underlying personality all that much.

[BlsdMama]

Okay, this was in my other thread, but you'll never find joy unless you find contentment. And you won't find contentment unless you're REALLY, TRULY grateful for what you have.

 

 

As long as you focus on self and how you wish a situation could be different you will always be discontent and therefore unhappy.

 

I'd highly (HIGHLY) suggest you start to take the focus off of self and help someone less fortunate than yourself to help you see life in a new light.

 

I'm talking about a missions trip, volunteering at a food pantry, doing Habitat for Humanity, sewing clothing for preemies that die in the NICU (those gowns are hard to find), doing SOMETHING that makes you realize you've got it good.

 

I've been sitting here trying not to wallow in an unjust hand. It appears that in the next few months we'll bury the baby we're very excited about. It's unfair. More unfair than most considering in 2001 we buried our third child, Hannah. But you know what? I was watching a mission trip the Duggars went on a while back... Those mothers don't even have hope that their children will live to adulthood. Who are we kidding? A woman with my health issues would have never seen her children live past 26 weeks gestation. She'd have given birth to live babies and watch them die every single time, over and over again.

 

Unhappiness is situational. There is always someone worse off than you and if you go and find yourself useful HELPING them, you'll find yourself grateful for what you have, and that will bring contentment. And joy.

[BlsdMama]

I also think in general, our society allows us too much free time to wallow. If we were NEEDED more by others, we wouldn't have time to delve on the rude man in traffic, pout about the rude words at the grocery store, or sit and stare at the stain on the couch.... That's also situational.

[Karen sn]

A gratitude journal helped me years ago.

You could do this at the table orally.

At dinner each person states 5 things they are thankful for that day.

 

You could also come up with a theme....

"Tonight I want to know what was the most beautiful thing you saw today."

"Tonight I want to know the traits you value in your friends."

"What was the nicest thing someone did for you today?"

[melissel]

I've been sitting here trying not to wallow in an unjust hand. It appears that in the next few months we'll bury the baby we're very excited about.

 

Mama, I read your blog post the other day and was hoping for the best for you. I'm sorry that it looks like the worst news. I hope that instead, your family will get a miracle. Thank you for your words here :grouphug:

[Sharon H in IL]

Yes.

 

I think a lot of unhappiness comes from a bad childhood and the attachment issues that causes.

 

Those are big problems, and they make solving the rest of life's (also plenty big) problems that much harder. But many others have walked this path before us, and we can take advantage of their wisdom, and the help of the Holy Spirit.

 

"When the student is ready, the teacher appears."

 

I'm going to be asking my DH to read Harville Hendrix's books Giving the Love That Heals and Getting the Love You Want.

 

Other resources are Dr. Laura Schlessinger's Bad Childhood, Good Life, and Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

[EmilyK]

Various ideas:

 

-- a friend in a similar situation found cognitive therapy helpful (hope that was the right name) and there were books he read in that vein. I think most kinds of therapy can be helpful.

 

--Vipassana meditation has been really helpful to me. It is religion neutral so doesn't need to conflict with religious beliefs. In the US, it is also called insight meditation and lovingkindness practice.

 

--I enjoyed The Dance of Anger. A friend really liked Seven Habits... I couldn't get into it but liked hearing about it from her -- those conversations convinced me to quit trying to change other people, or stew about their behavior, and focus on changing myself or my reactions (all I really can control). All of these resources support that approach, and I have found it such a relief!

 

Good luck in your endeavors.:001_smile:

[katemary63]

Nope! But God can!

[lionfamily1999]

Do you think this kind of thing can be changed in oneself? If so, how? I know, objectively, that there's much joy to be found in life, but what if you can't seem to feel the joy and everything is colored by the negative? If you don't think you can change this, how do you embrace yourself as you are?

 

YES YES YES

 

It's just like any other habit, make it a habit to see the good/happy/positive. I think we share families, they are incredibly negative, every story has a negative connotation, and it seems like, even memories of the 'good ol days' are tainted. I still struggle with this, but have managed to make myself APPEAR more positive. (Even Ben Franklin had to fake something - modesty - he says if you can't, then fake it)

 

I have found that my views are not AS negative as they used to be and can see a future where the silver lining won't be tainted by tarnish ;)

 

Start simply, imagine the world's your dcs art project and try to be objective and take note of the positive.

 

Wow, that guy cut me off, but gee at least I'm not stuck infront of him :D Oh, I washed the car and now it's pouring, at least I managed to wax it first :D Eventually, you stop feeling like a welcome mat and the good thoughts pop up on their own.

 

:grouphug: and don't forget to roll your shoulders, that always helps.

[rlowetx]

The weirdest thing I ever did (for me) was read Proverbs when I felt terrible about life and everything.. everything was negative.. It is a mental state, and how you are brought up has so much to do with it. I'm not a Christian, thus why reading Proverbs was so weird.. but I did it.. b/c it says some amazing things that if you just read one or two scriptures and work on that, it will change your mental state...and then you read the next two.. Again, I'm not a Christian, but the basics in there are how to help you treat others, deal with others, treat your family, everything...and just working on each item helped me tremendously..basic principles in most faiths.

I don't do this anymore, (although now thinking about it, I should).. but I found it helped me until my mind itself had readjusted.. now thinking of what I'm teaching my son helps me react to bad situations (at least in front of him).

All the best in your search!

Edited July 16, 2009 by rlowetx

[Renee in NC]

I'd highly (HIGHLY) suggest you start to take the focus off of self and help someone less fortunate than yourself to help you see life in a new light.

 

I'm talking about a missions trip, volunteering at a food pantry, doing Habitat for Humanity, sewing clothing for preemies that die in the NICU (those gowns are hard to find), doing SOMETHING that makes you realize you've got it good.

 

 

This is what I need. I need to focus on how I have it good. My friends back in NC who migrated from Mexico always gave me good perspective about how life could be.

[HRAAB]

I've been contemplating the happiness thing lately as well. I grew up very close to my extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, a cousin or two). With a few exceptions, they tend to be morose, negative, judgmental people (as much as I love them all!). I can recall when I realized as a teen that, without fail, when we sat down to family dinners, the conversation centered on negative things: the idiot in line at the grocery store, the person who gave someone a hard time in traffic, the corrupt government, etc. I've tried hard to rise above this, but it's definitely very much a part of me at this point.

 

Do you think this kind of thing can be changed in oneself? If so, how? I know, objectively, that there's much joy to be found in life, but what if you can't seem to feel the joy and everything is colored by the negative? If you don't think you can change this, how do you embrace yourself as you are?

 

I really, really don't want to pass this on to my kids. My DH is a happy, life-is-good kind of guy, and I want that for the girls. I just don't know if I have it in me. Gah!

 

TIA for your insight.

 

I believe people can change that mindset, and it doesn't need to passed on to your children. The description of your family sounded so much like my mother-in-law. She is just so negative she makes me ache sometimes. Some of her children have those tendencies, including dh to a point. However, quite a few of his siblings have changed, intentionally changed. They have said they didn't want to be like mom, they didn't want their children growing up surrounded by that negativity. They can even be around their mom and keep their positive, happy attitude. Yes, it can be done.

 

I used to be more negative like that myself, and I hated it. Mainly, I didn't want to become my mil. I have changed, but it's been a long road. My belief system, spirituality has changed greatly, too, and has been the biggest impact on my becoming content and happy.

 

Janet

[Stacia]

Yes, you can change. Yes, you can do it.

 

As others have mentioned, it's a habit. Take an objective look at the habits you DON'T want to have. Find someone w/ habits you DO want. Then, start emulating the good habits, while reducing (and later eliminating) the bad habits. It takes time. It takes practice.

 

It can be done.

 

:001_smile:

[melis108]

At first I was going to say that yes it is possible to change this. But, really, I think I'm a positive person, so that's easy for me to say! I guess I have become more positive as I've gotten older. One thing has been to not have any expectations of other people to make me happy. I think realizing that it is totally up to you is very empowering and makes it much easier to be positive.

[Stacia]

At first I was going to say that yes it is possible to change this. But, really, I think I'm a positive person, so that's easy for me to say! I guess I have become more positive as I've gotten older. One thing has been to not have any expectations of other people to make me happy. I think realizing that it is totally up to you is very empowering and makes it much easier to be positive.

 

I agree, lol.

 

I think you make a very important point.

 

If you really think about things, what you can change in life is yourself (how you behave, how you react, etc...). What you cannot change is other people. That realization is a key to serenity & happiness, imo. I may not be able to change (control) others, but I can certainly change myself (what I think, how I react, what I say or don't say, etc...).

 

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." (Leo Tolstoy)

 

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." (Maya Angelou)

 

"It is never too late to become what you might have been." (George Eliot)

 

"The greatest revolution in our generation is that of human beings, who by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives." (William James)

[Colleen]

Melissa, I sent you a PM, but I also wanted to say something here that I think is helpful for those of us who come from backgrounds wherein negativity rules the day. One thing I cling to is that I do believe in the power of one, in my ability to effect positive change. If I am unhappy with, say, a potential building project, I can go to public meetings, voice my concerns, and so on. I can work to make a difference. That is not the mindset that was ingrained in my as I grew up. On the contrary, there was a defeatist attitude and a lack of effort to actually do something constructive.

 

Ask yourself, when something is bothering you or you're inclined to be negative, "Aside from observing what I think is wrong, is there something constructive I can do in response?"