s/o discipline; tell me about "Grace Based Parenting"? CC

[BikeBookBread]

I've been a "Shepherding a Child's Heart" Mom for 5 years now, and I'm starting to wonder...I'm a sinner saved by Grace...shouldn't I be modeling grace for my children?

 

We are conservative Christians of the MacArthur/R.C. Sproul bent, and all we've heard is Ted Tripp, Ted Tripp, Ted Tripp. However, I've been hearing more in reformed/Calvinist/conservative Christian circles about "Grace Based Parenting". I haven't read this book or know much about this theory of parenting other than it is not spanking-based, and interprets the "rod" to mean something other than corporal punishment.

 

Anyone have insight?

[Joanne]

My friend and author, Crystal Lutton, coined the term.

 

http://www.aolff.org/

 

A quick summary is that grace based parenting embraces the idea that discipline is teaching and that the imposition of arbitrary, unrelated consequences (such as spanking and many other punishments) are not in line with God's design for parenting.

 

I know that the conservative Christian community loves the Tripp materials. I have read them and find them too punishment/spanking centered.

[BikeBookBread]

Has anyone read the book by Tim Kimmel?

 

Thanks for the site, too, Joanne...looks very interesting (I just lightly skimmed).

[musicmommy]

For some reason, many people equate Grace based parenting with allowing the children to get away with anything and everything which is not at all accurate. It really deals with building up the child at the same time as disciplining instead of breaking their spirit.

 

I learned a lot from the book and have it back on my soon to be done reading list.

[melissel]

I often see people who talk about grace-based parenting refer to the Gentle Christian Mothers Web site as well. You might take a look around there.

 

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/

[lulubelle]

I'm not crazy about Tripp. I was not impressed when I read the book. I much prefer How to Really Love Your Child (Christan) and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and So Kids Will Talk. I think Tripp's book is way too much of a recipe. One style does not fit all. A child's temperment is so important to understand. Tripp's book always made me think of The Five Love Languages for kids and if your child's primary love language is physical touch then spanking that child is just not the right choice. I think parents really get hung up on disobedience and equate too many things with it and then feel that they are compelled to spank or serve some kind of consequence up for that "disobedience". Consequences, no matter what it is, are supposed to be used sparingly. Two wrongs do not make a right. I've been trying to teach that in my home. I have been trying to talk through disagreements between siblings more so then just giving a time out or some negative consequence.

[BikeBookBread]

I often see people who talk about grace-based parenting refer to the Gentle Christian Mothers Web site as well. You might take a look around there.

 

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/

 

I found that site as a link from the tulipgirl blog (a Calvinist/mommy/theology/etc. blog)...and it got me thinking, hence this post.

[Country Girl]

I read the book and really enjoyed it. It was inspiring and really got me to think. However, I was all on fire after reading it but felt like I didn't have a very good idea on how to implement some of the ideas. I think it is a very motivational book but I still feel like I need a bit more practical help.

[forty-two]

To me, Tripp is actually very similar to grace-based parenting in some ways (though *very* far from it in others). It comes down to whether you believe that the Bible commands parents to spank their children.

 

From what I've read of SaCH, Tripp comes across as a man with a problem. On the one hand, he really seems to get grace. But on the other hand, he believes that the Bible says that parents must spank. Talk about cognitive dissonance! I really believe that if Tripp could accept that the Bible doesn't command spanking, he would promote grace-based parenting in a heartbeat. But apparently he can't do that.

 

So he has a problem - how to reconcile a fundamentally grace-filled view of a loving God with the harsh, punitive means of discipline that He - in Tripp's eyes - commands His children to use on their own children? Tripp solves his problem by deciding that spanking must have some power that no other method has, which makes spanking truly in the child's best interest. (Otherwise, why would a loving God command it?) As he says in SaCH, "[t[he spanking comes only because it is God's method of driving foolishness far from your child's heart (153)".

 

Tripp's attempts to explain the "why" of spanking leads to some very questionable theology; I've written a couple of blog posts on it: The Rod as a Means of Grace and More on Tripp and Spanking, if you're interested. Honestly, I feel for Tripp - he is twisting himself into knots, trying desperately to find grace-filled reasons for spanking, all because he has been so thoroughly indoctrinated that spanking is Biblically mandated that he can't let it go, no matter how much it conflicts with everything else he believes about God.

 

But if you decide that the Bible *doesn't* mandate spanking, then Tripp actually supports (although probably inadvertently) the idea that there is no need to spank, period - that grace-based parenting methods are superior and all that's required. He basically separates discipline into two parts, both necessary: communication and spanking. Once you have demonstrated that a) God has NOT commanded spanking, and that b) God hasn't given spanking the power to deal with the heart, there is no reason to spank anymore. And much of what Tripp says about communication is compatible with grace-based parenting.

[BikeBookBread]

To me, Tripp is actually very similar to grace-based parenting in some ways (though *very* far from it in others). It comes down to whether you believe that the Bible commands parents to spank their children.

 

Thank you forty-two! I think you have stated what I've been trying to flesh-out, but hadn't sufficiently.

 

I KNOW that he is absolutely right about the heart being the focus of discipline. My main job as a parent is to spotlight my children's heart-need for salvation...

 

...but I just can't come to grips with the spanking for every. single. infraction. He goes out of his way to say that any other form of discipline is flat out wrong: time-outs are socially isolating and therefore harmful; positive reinforcement/rewarding is bribery; etc. (I don't recall if those are in the book itself, but I specifically remember him talking about those two modes of discipline in the video series.)

 

I know it is my own personal problem, but I also become very legalistic when I pull out his book for reference because I want practical answers, and I go straight to the practical chapters, bypassing the "theory," much of which is Biblically sound. I think I'll find a copy of GBP and read it at least. But perhaps I should really just open up my Bible and read read read, and let the Holy Spirit speak to me.

[Country Girl]

But perhaps I should really just open up my Bible and read read read, and let the Holy Spirit speak to me.

 

I think you have hit upon the solution! In my post I mentioned wanting more practical advice..... you are right that the Holy Spirit is where I'm going to get that. Thanks for the reminder!

[Alice]

Has anyone read the book by Tim Kimmel?

 

 

This is my favorite parenting book. It's definitely not a how-to kind of book and it's not really a discipline book per se. It doesn't give a "method" of discipline and I'm not even sure he ever addresses spanking.

 

It deals more with YOUR heart as a parent. How your own heart attitudes effect how you relate to your children. I found it incredibly challenging and helpful. I've read it several times and keep it on the shelf to go back and look at whenever I need inspiring. I would highly recommend it!

[Nestof3]

Thanks. I read your blog posts. I noticed, though, that you never give your stance as to what the rod is exactly and how it drives foolishness from the heart of the child. I think you do a great job of questioning these other men but do not actually give a good explanation of the alternative.

[bess1676]

thank you all!

[forty-two]

Thanks. I read your blog posts. I noticed, though, that you never give your stance as to what the rod is exactly and how it drives foolishness from the heart of the child. I think you do a great job of questioning these other men but do not actually give a good explanation of the alternative.

Yeah, I wrote them specifically to counter the whole "Bible mandates spanking" thing. While I personally don't spank for religious and philosophical reasons, I'm not sure that the Bible can be used to support a universal claim that spanking is always wrong. But I *am* convinced that the Bible does not command spanking. And given all the harm that has resulted from that wrong doctrine - both directly and from all its theological implications - that is where my focus lies. It's not so much what practical techniques you use, but how you use them. And the how depends on your goals for discipline, which itself is a reflection of your beliefs about children, about sin, and about God and how He parents us. Change has to start there, or you'll just use grace-based techniques in a punitive manner.

 

(As well, my audience for those posts was largely people who already were advocates of grace-based parenting, so I didn't think of talking much about the alternative. There are so many good resources about grace-based parenting, after all, that I never really saw a need to lay it all out myself. I probably should, though - at least round up some good links; people have mentioned some good ones in this thread.)