Jean in Newcastle Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Note: this is not a rant or a bash! I have been chronically ill for the last 16 years or so. About 9 years ago it started to get worse until I was almost an invalid last year. Then because of the treatments of a very wonderful naturopath I've been improving drastically. Yea! Now I feel like I "woke up" from a long painful nap to find that the house is falling down around me. Since dh had been working the equivalent of two full-time jobs I had been in charge of the housework, the cooking, the finances, the yard, the children and the schooling. In emergency mode I cleaned just enough to keep the health department at bay. I cooked just enough for us to survive. Managed to pay the bills but not file anything afterwards. I kept the yard mowed - barely. The kids were raised by wolves but are wonderfully obedient children! (Actually, I raised them from my armchair and did their schooling from the armchair too.) So you can imagine the state of my house (esp. the piles of paperwork). So this year I've been digging us out. The kids are happy to have me actually up and with them instead of directing from the sidelines. They do complain though that I make them do way more chores now that I'm alert enough to notice things needing to be done! :D My trouble though has been the housework. The piles were so bad that I would just look at it all and just freeze. I think it has been contributing to some depression. Dh's workload has lessened a little bit lately so that he's only doing the equivalent of 1 1/2 jobs. I think he has woken up a bit too. He's noticed how hard I'm working (he's actually mentioned it:001_smile:) and I think he's noticed that I still am barely making a dent on the housework. And I admitted to him a couple a weeks ago that I was feeling paralyzed and depressed about it. So he's taken over. In the last two weekends as a family we've deep-cleaned the kitchen (he threw out a whole bunch of stuff that I wasn't using but couldn't get rid of because my mom lived through the Great Depression), the living room, the dining room, the bathrooms and even the bedrooms. And I'm struggling with deep conflicting feelings of gratitude and resentment (not at him but really at myself for needing the help). So now I add guilt to the mix of feelings because I should be thanking him over and over but I kind of don't want to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonesloonybin Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 :grouphug: I am glad to hear you are feeling better. I know how you feel about the thankful/resentful feelings. I am sure that once you are back on your feet and in-charge you will get over the resentfulness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 What's that quote...by Phyllis Diller I think..."Cleaning your house while the kids are at home is like shoveling the sidewalk in a snowstorm!" I think our husbands just don't get the daily grind of it. My dh did a similar thing in going through the garage and storage shed. Well, um, okay. But we (meaning the kids and I) don't use those spaces, so if they are bad, that's really his deal anyways. But he's kind of strutting around thinking he "helped" a bunch with the housework. I'm not bashing my dh, just relating. Friday I started getting a bad cold, fever and chills, body aches, sore throat - been sick all weekend. DH still went about his business and I still had to go about mine...cooking, laundry, dishes, pet care, putting kids to bed. If I would have asked, he would have helped, but I thought "why do I have to ask?" I guess all I can say is to try to be glad for the help, that maybe him doing this will help him appreciate what you do more, and how quickly it has to be done again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eaglei Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 :grouphug: I understand what you are saying about digging out! While I haven't been chronically ill for sixteen years (bless you for continuing on with homeschooling!), I have had some physical afflictions to deal with, plus these past few years allergies-run-amok, as well as things in life just building up - you know - one thing ON TOP of another and no solution or end in sight. One of the biggest things has been ds's two-time battle with leukemia (currently fighting the second battle). I, too, have piles of mess around, including paperwork, that I am slowly but surely digging out from under. Thankfully, dh understands and while he hasn't taken over (which I, too, would *resent*), he does help. Sometimes it's just a matter of - would he do the dishes up, or make dinner this evening, or maybe run the vacuum - and it frees me up enough to make more progress - which, to me, seems to be painfully slow progress. I keep saying that one of these days I will be caught up again - this just isn't the day :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swimmermom3 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 You might want to look at Flylady.net if you haven't already. Years ago, a group of moms I was doing a class with suggested this site. I have used it off and on for close to 8 years. There are so many great suggestions for gaining control of your home one small step at a time especially if you have a chronic illness. There is also a complete section on home schooling. I like the spiral effect. So many of us want to jump in and have everything perfect and then are overwhelmed. Best wishes to you and I'm so glad you are feeling better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 You are a team. He's been working a lot and you've been SICK. It is what it is and now he is stepping up to help you get things under control. Work with him and get yourself caught up. Think of it as teamwork and not you being inadequate. I know our house gets cleaned up a lot faster when dh is home and we are all working together. And I don't think you need to thank him over and over. Just thank him in a heartfelt way and give him a good hug and maybe plan a celebratory dinner when you all get the house sorted out. Then you can keep it that way and the whole family can enjoy the accomplishment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 And I'm struggling with deep conflicting feelings of gratitude and resentment (not at him but really at myself for needing the help). So now I add guilt to the mix of feelings because I should be thanking him over and over but I kind of don't want to. I think I can relate to some of your feelings. I can relate to knowing in my head that something needs to be done, but not quite being there emotionally yet, and feeling anxious at the lack of control. I like to be the one who takes the boxes out of the house, and I like to let them sit in the car for a few days of transition time to actually make sure I don't need them (or want them) before hauling them off to the thrift store (or wherever). I like to be the one who decides what goes and what stays. I can understand why you would feel like he's telling you that you're inadequate. Maybe you just need to tell him to slow down a bit? It sounds like he's on a mission, and the boat's sailing, and you're not quite on it, yet. :) I would recommend that you tell your dear sweet hubby how you're feeling. He doesn't know that you're torn up inside. He thinks he's helping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I understand the need to dig out...I've been working on it for a couple of weeks. With my due date only 3 weeks away, I'm feeling pressured to work faster but just don't have the energy or ability to do that. I think you'll feel better when it is all done. Just hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Katia Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I'm so glad you are feeling better and able to want to clean it all up. That is terrific! In our family, my dh would be like you and is not able to throw out anything. As a matter of fact, he is also paralyzed by messes and not able to do much of anything when confronted with them. I, OTHO, and the one that goes through and tosses things left and right then organizes what is left. And, I'm GOOD at it! And yes, dh knows I need to do it, but he still resents it. Especially when I clean out the garage which is technically 'his' territory. But when we can't find anything in there, get the car in, or can't walk through it.......I'm out there with the trash cans! I think that it's normal for you to resent his 'taking over'. But, you are a team and he has strengths that compliment your weaknesses. Don't feel bad that he needs to help. It's his house, too and not all your responsibility. I also wouldn't tell him that you feel resentment. Let him keep on clearing out....and when all the rooms are done, he will be done and you can just.....continue with life. Kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 I am finding that it is much easier to keep clean once the deep-cleaning has been done. And I'm finding that as the big messes are cleaned that I can handle a smaller job - like cleaning and organizing one bookcase. So I know that I really need what he's been doing. I'm biting my tongue and just letting him take charge. I know that once it is nice and clean (and a bit of time has passed) that I'll be able to tell him how glad I am that he helped. I did ask him to let me take care of the bills that were piling up yesterday (the last time he organized them we had a couple of late fees because I couldn't find the bills that needed to be paid). Instead I told him that it would really help if he did the floors while I sorted bills. And it worked out well. I'm kind of thinking that perhaps the mixed feelings might even be tied up somewhat with the mild depression I'm feeling. I'm hoping that as things get (hopefully) less over-whelming around here that I will start to snap out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 We hug to celebrate each empty box. That helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Jean-- I was going to post and say that at least you have an excuse for all those piles and messes (being chronically ill for so long). I have the mess but no excuse. And then I thought about it and realized that both my boys were sick for a good part of this year and for one it actually altered his mental state for quite awhile. So I guess that has made it harder here. I find it hard to let dh help with even one load of laundry or sweeping, even though part of me knows I need help and that I should be grateful for it. Another part feels....I'm not sure, maybe guilty because I feel like I should've had it done...or resentful to him because he's making me feel that way....or annoyed because I know I'm going to get to it soon and he's impatient...and also annoyed because I often don't like how he does some of these things....Oh yes, and definitely sometimes resentful that he has taken away an opportunity for me to feel a sense of accomplishment (like knowing I got all the sheets,etc done and back on the beds.) Well, rereading what I just posted I think maybe I'm being silly. Sorry, I think I got too onto my own thing here. Glad to hear you are feeling better. And if you know it's good for the whole family, then I guess however you get there is good! Woolybear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BamaTanya Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 :grouphug: I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I don't have any words of advice as I'm constantly trying to rearrange the chaos around me. I struggle with guilt over not being able to keep it together. I know it's not easy to relinquish control or to work with someone who has a different playbook than yours. Still, it's great to have a team! Give yourself and your children enough time to get used to the new normal. And assign them some babysteps to keep the ground you've taken. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OHGrandma Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 You are a team. He's been working a lot and you've been SICK. It is what it is and now he is stepping up to help you get things under control. Work with him and get yourself caught up. Think of it as teamwork and not you being inadequate. I know our house gets cleaned up a lot faster when dh is home and we are all working together. And I don't think you need to thank him over and over. Just thank him in a heartfelt way and give him a good hug and maybe plan a celebratory dinner when you all get the house sorted out. Then you can keep it that way and the whole family can enjoy the accomplishment. :iagree: Teamwork! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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