Feeling low on the totem pole...

[SunshineMom]

I am needing a little advice/support regarding balancing my time vs the kid's time spent on pursuing their interests. Being a homeschool mom can be all consuming, not only am I answering questions/researching, traveling all around town to dance/piano/chess/library/swimming classes and various field trips, I am also trying to homeschool! My life is filled with my children which is wonderful but at the same turn I am somehow getting left out of the equation. A simple example of basic self care (low on the totem pole): last night we had "beauty night"; I washed the girls hair, put on lotion, brushed hair, painted their toe and finger nails but forgot to do me! I don't want to become a martyr. I gave up a career and graduate school to homeschool my girls. I often turn to those fantasies of "what could have been?" but then quickly think how my children would be if they had attended public school. The more I read, hear public school stories from parents, the more I know I've made the right decision. But here in lies the problem, how do I give myself the space to fullfill my dreams while being a homeschool mother? Waiting until my children are grown and out of the house seems too long to wait. Anyone else struggling with this?

[Nan in Mass]

This might not work for you, but I tried to put my children in the same activities. Then, once I didn't have a baby anymore, I sat at the activities and took that time to improve myself. I worked on classical guitar at gymnastics. I read watercolour books or took a vigorous walk at piano lessons. Now my children are older and my husband and I can leave them behind and have some time together. We spent a year taking walks during gymnastics, and then when it got too dark in the evenings to do that, we met at Panara Bread and had tea and did the crossword puzzle together. The trick, though, is to put the children into activities together or to train them to give you your own time during the wait. And you have to resist the temptation to run off and do errands or do the endless homeschooling reading/paperwork.

-Nan

[Desert Rat]

This is similar to what I do. Both boys are in soccer. I use this time to read or do sudoku puzzles. With my older son, dh is the coach so I leave both boys with him and walk the track with some of the other moms. At TKD, I have lots of time to read. I also take 1 hour every afternoon. The boys know to leave me be with my diet coke at the computer/on the couch. I've always had a nap/rest time. They are at the age now where I don't have to put them in their rooms. They can play throughout the house or in the back yard.

I also get an hour of exercise in before they wake up in the morning.

I understand what you're going through. I don't like to complain about my situation because, well, it was my choice, right? But I still battle with feeling guilty about taking time for myself. I've just come to realize that if I don't, I'm not a very nice mom/wife/sister/friend/daughter.

HTH

[Guest Hszwill]

Hello Jewel, My heart is pulled towards you, as I used to feel exactly like you year and years ago. Somehow God has pulled me into a path where I have forgotten those beginning years, and now I have an altered perspective. I just love Nan's advice above; I do this myself:iagree:. I have always chosen to put my kids in the same activities in order to minimize my time involvement while still providing them with extra-curricular activities. Some things that they all did together were karate, summer swim team, Irish Dance, co-op, art lessons, and field trips. It might be a few years before you can do that, but just know that it is right around the corner, which is basically a blink of an eye :) One neat thing that has happened over the last 3 years is that my children's involvement in our local homeschool speech and debate has offered my a satisfaction that I never realized I would get through their activities. Maye that will happen for you through one of your own kid's activities. My last piece of advice would be to put the kids to bed early. Ours always went to bed at 8 p.m. I don't care if they stay up and read in bed an hour, but I needed to have some time in the house without them around; it restored me at the end of each long day.

 

Blessings my dear,

Shannon in VA

[JenneinCA]

I am right there with you. My oldest is 10 and my youngest is newly five. They are not remotely interested in the same things. And I am the big looser in battle for time. I tried to take a chess class for me, but between all their needs I just could not find time to study.

 

I have heard that it will get better, but I am not sure I believe it. I have been told that for several years now. It isn't getting better yet. Maybe next year.

[AnitaMcC]

This might not work for you, but I tried to put my children in the same activities.

-Nan

 

 

Same here. All four of our kids (and Dh) do Kung Fu. The three boys do bowling league. Younger two boys do Cub Scouts (separate dens, but do most of same pack activities). Older son was doing Boy Scouts but took a break. He may start up again soon. Then in Feb middle son will be going from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts.

 

For religous ed classes... Older two take same class. Younger two I homestudy them.

 

Soon though with homeschooling the twins... things will get a bit more busy as they both will be doing a few more activities (science/math olympiad, music classes, interest based activities). But much of this I hope will be during the day and that we will hopefully schedule things to my benefit- LOL.

[Donna]

I do try to put my boys in the same activities or schedule their lessons at the same time but my dd's music is becoming very all-consuming and I only see it becoming moreso as she develops and we need to travel longer and longer distances to find teachers who will be best for her level of playing.

 

I don't mind it so much though. I am not one who needs lots of time to myself. I know people who do need their own time, it is just not me. I read during wrestling and wake earlier than everyone to have a little quiet time in the mornings. I used to do taekwondo with the kids but they needed to go in a different direction so I don't get that anymore.

 

I just keep telling myself that this time will pass so quickly and when they are grown and I have all the time in the world to myself, I will not regret having given so much of myself to them. I would regret it if I didn't.

[WTMCassandra]

Yes, I think it's a common struggle. I do several things to help combat this:

 

1. Use nap/rest time for MY projects unless I feel like resting. Nap/rest time is VITAL to me.

2. My DH does the morning routine/chores with the children. I only come on duty at 0830, the beginning of school time. This has been a HUGE relief. Sometimes I used to feel worn out before school even started because of keeping them going getting their morning stuff done.

3. We keep home routines simple. All four of us clean at the same time, once a week. Our meals are simple. We have a set schedule that we keep to most of the time.

4. My DH oversees evening piano practice. We do Suzuki, and that means much more parental oversight. After teaching all day, I used to find myself practically hyperventilating at the amount of oversight. Having DH take over the practices has been a huge relief, although honestly he is not quite as picky with them as I would prefer.

5. I try to get away for a three-day individual retreat two or three times a year. I use it mostly for spiritual enrichment, but three whole days of no one needing me and being alone is bliss. This helps me keep my batteries charged.

6. I try to keep my projects and goals fluid--working on something at home as I can rather than taking an official class or whatever. This means I have less frustration if "life happens."

[JeanM]

I understand what you are going through, and you've already gotten a lot of good advice. I've actually tried not to have my kids in all the same activities, but it does make life more complex. My two are very competitive and it works well for them each to have their own "niche", although they do overlap somewhat in activities.

 

I'm definitely an introvert and it really, really helps me to have a better outlook on life if I get a chance to "recharge" on a regular basis. To get a chance to recharge, I encourage dh to take the kids out and do something without me once in a while. This evening they went to a minor league baseball game. I also encourage the kids to ride their bikes around the neighborhood after lunch every day.

 

When I first stopped working outside the home to be with the kids, I had a work-at-home job. That worked well for me because I felt I was still connected to my career, and it really forced dh to take over when I had to work. When I lost that job because the work got sent out to India, I was very depressed for a long time. I started tutoring online this year, which is not related at all to my former career, but it helps me to contribute financially and I enjoy it.

[Brindee]

I remember being there the first couple of years. And every now and then I still have those moments. But over all I'm absolutely THRILLED that I get to be home with my kids! It's amazing how fast they grow! I gave up a job as well. But I feel my kids are soooo worth giving them the time now! If I have my moments of needing space, they and dh will go do something together, or send me out to Barnes & Noble to get a mocha and sit and read! :)

 

In the mornings I am up with dh to help him get off to work, then I have my devotions time. That's a special and relaxing time for me! We've ALWAYS had a Quiet time in the middle of the day. When the kids were little it was nap time. As they got a little older it was Quiet Time, then as they got even older, it was QRT (Quiet Reading Time). They LOVED QRT as much as I did! In fact, sometimes they begged for mor time to read. Sometimes we just went with the QRT for a couple of hours, just because. It juast seemed needed sometimes! Since they'd grown up with it, it wasn't hard for them to be quiet for an hour. They'd nap or read or play quietly, and I'd have my breather. Then we were all more rejuvenated and ready to go for the rest of the afternoon!

 

When we did classes at the Y, I tried to schedule them so we would still get in our QRT. We actually got MORE done with the QRT than without it, because we were easier able to concentrate when it was over!

 

During that hour (or however long you choose), you CANNOT do anything you have to get done! You need to take that time to do something for you! Relax, read, paint YOUR nails ( :D ), whatever it is that will give you that peace and quiet that will help you! NO GRADING PAPERS OR SCHOOL WORK!

 

I hope you get past this feeling! Best wishes!

[katilac]

Don't make the mistake of scheduling 'backwards;' don't let your kids list all the things they want to do, and then try to fit that list into your schedule.

 

Instead, sit down with pencil, paper, and no kids. Decide what makes sense for activities in terms of money, distance, and time. All activities are not created equal - - any type of martial arts, for instance, generally requires that the child go to class two or three times a week routinely. Music lessons are just once a week.

 

Once you think things through a bit, THAT is the time to allow dkids to give their opinion and let you know what's tops on their list. Some people say 'one activity per kid' (or two, whatever) and let them pick; I have more of a give and take process (see above about activities not being equal).

 

Another rule of thumb is that kids should participate in activities because they are interested in them, not because they want attention. In other words, if you want to go to tumbling class, it better be because you want to pick up skills, not because you want me to spend an hour applauding every somersault.

 

I will bring you to practice, I will gladly share your excitement when you reach a goal or truly have something to share, but I will NOT spend hours every week watching every minute as you practice tumbling, softball, cheerleading, or what have you. Do it because YOU want to, because I am going to be reading my book, listening to my ipod, or running to the grocery.

 

Follow a similar procedure with all activities; just because someone is having a field trip doesn't mean you have to attend! Two per term is plenty - what do you want to most? Pick them and move on.

 

You can double-fill every hour of the day with worthy activities. Just remember that relaxing at home is also a worthy activity, as in scheduling time for yourself, for you and dh, and for family-centered events (not just 'kid' centered events).

[rowan25]

My last piece of advice would be to put the kids to bed early. Ours always went to bed at 8 p.m. I don't care if they stay up and read in bed an hour, but I needed to have some time in the house without them around; it restored me at the end of each long day.

 

Blessings my dear,

Shannon in VA

:iagree: This works mostly for us right now. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, so Mama involvement is still pretty strong. But by bedtime I NEED a break!!!

[joannqn]

I felt that way the year we had too many activities, and from your list, I would say you have too many activities. Life got much better when I pared it back considerably. We used to have Awana, swimming, gymnasics, aikido, and church every week. In addition to that, there were play dates, park days, and field trips. Now my son has taekwondo and my daughter gets a class once in a while if she can convince me she is really, really, really interested. We also go bowling every other Thursday; the kids get lessons while DH and I bowl together...so it's more family fun than a kids activity.

 

We all love field trips so we still do a lot of those, about 20 a year. Most of these are family outings rather than during school hours. My kids must help with picking up the house before we leave. Their help means I have less to do when we get back, so leaving isn't as big of a deal.

 

I've also lessened my contribution to homeschooling. From the time they start, my kids can do a lot of their school on their own. I choose curriculum that they can do at least part on their own and organize our work to limit the amount of planning I need to do (all of the planning is done before the school year starts). It is expect that they do their work without my need to hover and keep them on task, though I'm available to give additional lessons and answer questions as needed. My teaching time is also reduced by doing history and science all together rather than having both of my kids on separate curriculum.

 

Finally, I schedule certain times for myself. I attend a weekly group on Monday nights. Twice a year, I go on a retreat with this same group from Thursday afternoon until Sunday evening. The weekly meetings and two retreats a year are non-negotiable and give me down time away from the kids and housework.

[SunshineMom]

I needed to hear I wasn't alone...everyone gave some helpful tips, thank you. We are winding down from all of our extra classes next week. I think I am just burnt out this time of year and need a week off. Additionally, my oldest daughter is graduating from college next week so we are busy planning a dinner party, moving her belongings, dealing with family guests, her plans for the summmer, etc. Of course her venturing off into the world is bringing up my old dreams for myself. For now, I have decided to explore women's classic literature (read all their works)....so Edith Wharton, Bronte Sisters, Jane Austin, (to name but a few) here I come!