Terabith..... I am speechless. Your ever so gracious post has left me with chills, and deeply sad for the pain that you, and others like you, suffer. I can't even imagine how scary it must be to walk in your shoes. I honestly don't know what to say, but am SO thankful that you, and others, were COURAGEOUS enough to post the truth for (ignorant) people like me to understand. It's so hard with my siblings at times but I do know that I can hold it together for us all, so I do. Sometimes I just get SO tired. Sometimes I wish my brother could see beyond himself and not drain on me. When my brother decides to go off his meds, though, he's too dangerous to be in contact with. I can't put my family through that, and dh will NOT allow, but I hope he'll stay on them this time. I am so sad to hear the depth of despair you all live in. I pray for a breakthrough in treatment and medicine. Have any of you ever checked into neurofeedback? I know it's supposed to be very helpful for bipolar and schizophrenia. I had ONE session for my head injury and it cured my insomnia for months. BUT, my insurance won't pay for it. It's 2 hours from home and will cost $800 initially and $145 3 x per week. And I don't even have an HMO. PLEASE check into it.

WOW. Your daughter DID THAT? :svengo: You really ARE a redneck!!!!! :smilielol5::smilielol5: I left CA, where I was always dressed perfectly, down to the high heels, which were TOTALLY unnecessary and made me about 6 feet tall! Anyway, I moved to the country and...... changed. I still like to look nice (people are usually shocked that I live on a farm because I always go out with make-up on, hair done, decent clothing although sometimes very relaxed clothing) and all. BUT, when my cat died in the pool and I resuscitated her twice, all I had time to do was throw on my MUCK BOOTS. Forget that I had my sweats on THAT I HAD SLEPT IN, and didn't brush my hair OR put on any make-up. There was no time! I had to rush to the vet. Thing was that I forgot about how bad I looked and I walked down the street to get a coffee after watching the vet resuscitate the cat a couple of times. We were finally sent home and when I saw what I actually looked like while walking around town..... well..... :scared::scared: guess what? In CA I had to jump into a lake to save my life! I saw some CUTE little piggies and just HAD to try to get near them! Well, out comes WILD BOAR MAMA and she tried to attack me! Thank God I was near the water, I jumped right the heck in! My brother and boyfriend were SO mad at me. People get worked up over the littlest things. Honestly, is it necessary? :001_tt2::001_tt2: BTW, cat lived but has a serious head injury due to oxygen deprivation. Sadly, I can SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO relate to her.

I'm SO sorry for you.... must be so hard....:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

WOW. I had NO idea. I thank you for sharing, and I'm so very deeply sorry for you.

I didn't even think of this when I started this thread! I have had those before! In the past if I had to confront someone, I'd have one, but I've gotten MUCH stronger. But a few weeks back I was laying in bed and almost asleep when all of a sudden and OUT OF NOWHERE, I had a major panic attack and felt like I was having a heart attack! I have always worried how my kids would be if something ever happened to me, but now that my mom is dependent on me, I all of a sudden felt this TREMENDOUS fear that she'd end up in a nursing home if something happened to me. And that SCARED ME TO DEATH. The place she was at almost killed her and her health will NEVER recover from the neglect she suffered at their hands. She's only 68 and can't tell us what's going on due to severe dementia. When the reality of that hit me, I just had a full fledged panic attack and could do NOTHING to calm myself down. Wow. I can't believe I almost forgot about that. I feel like 10 second Tom on 50 First Dates sometimes! :001_huh:

but you have those WICKED CUTE little lizards down there!!! :001_smile: I used to have a very unhealthy fear of bugs. The mailman came running inside my house once because I was yelling at the top of my lungs. He thought someone was hurting me. I was trying to kill a bee. Moving to the country has REALLY taught me not to fear bugs. But initially I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. (Saying it like Gilda Radner here!) :lol:

I LOVE Will Ferrell and LOVE comedies, but can NOT recommend Step Brother. About the lipstick, I once put bright red on and kissed hubby all over his face while he slept. And then didn't tell him about it when he awoke. I laughed so much that I probably........ had to change my...... um..... undergarments. He laughed, too when he went to the bathroom. :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

thank you for not taking offense and not getting mad at me. I honestly do not want to offend, and I'm telling everyone upfront that I truly don't understand but I WANT to. I think I'm getting some of that understanding. I keep on with my siblings, knowing that I *CAN* hold it together. I'm sorry your family can't do that for you. Beth, when you say days of absolute despair, is is CRIPPLING despair? My sister gets this, too. I've tried to be supportive of her but now that I have mom living with me, I just don't have the time or energy to daily be her support. In fact, my health has suffered and I've realized that I don't have a lot to give outside my family and mom for the time being. Honestly, I've read online at the bipolar websites. And I honestly don't remember all that I've read because I've had four concussions and my last one did a NUMBER on me. My memory is HORRIFIC. Buit I've tried to understand, and now I'm trying to get better enlightened here. I'm sorry your world is so difficult. Are you getting proper treatment? Maybe you need a support group? Denise

I've been wanting to ask this question all day long. What's one thing you literally refuse to do? I refuse to grow up. :D I can't believe I'm almost 46 and still act like a kid. I always ask my hubby, "Do you think I'll EVER grow up?" His response, consistently, is....... "I hope not!!!" I like to act like an idiot to make people laugh, and to make myself laugh. I have aides in the house helping out with mom almost every day (thank God my Dad took out long term health insurance!!! I could NEVER do this alone!) I like to come down all ready to leave the house, with lipstick all AROUND my lips, just to see the faces the aides will make. :D I can't help it. I'm just a goof ball. :lol::biggrinjester::p:blush5: And watch out if I haven't slept. Then I'm REALLY goofy. Sure I'm serious when I need to be, but.... :tongue_smilie: So, what do you refuse to do?

thanks to each of you. You all explained graciously and didn't get mad for my ignorance. I'm thankful for that. I'm beginning to understand more. My brother I believe is capable of homicide if he's not medicated. BUT, the meds are SO strong that he's practically a zombie when he's treated. So it's like there's no good choice for him. My father always took care of EVERYTHING for him and since dad died last August, my brother has been dangling off the suicide cliff. He's checked himself into a hospital three times. I've tried to help, my sister has. His doctors have set up daily goals for him. Simple goals like go for a walk, come to my house to see my animals or to help with them. Come here to visit/help with mom. He says he's going to do them but then sits on his couch worrying about his future and does nothing. And my sister is the most difficult person I've ever met and she absolutely thinks that if there's an issue with us, it's my fault. When mom's in the hospital, the nurses don't even want to talk with her. Then she gets mad when they only talk to me. And I pay the price for that. She said she'd help with mom and doesn't much. If I speak up, boy do I pay the price for it. Her husband, my husband, her kids, my kids and myself all keep quiet because we don't want to suffer the "Debbie" wrath. And it's exhausting. She's got two kids, is a stay at home mom, and her husband has been after her for over a year to get a job. They almost lost their house several times in the past year and a half and she's a shop-a-holic. She has a large garage with full second story FILLED with new, unopened stuff, a tractor trailer full of stuff, and a box truck full of stuff. And yet she shops and shops. And is SO unreliable and it's just not fair to me. The ONLY time she absolutely needs to be here on time is the first Saturday of the month when we go to my friends house for a huge gathering. I do it here the third Saturday of the month. These days are the highlight of my month. The last Saturday she got here at 8:00. I can't get mad, I'll pay the price for it. But I'm just SO sick of it. She's accepted the fact that she's always late and is perfectly fine with it. But it's just SOOOOOOOOO unfair. I've told her that she shouldn't be ok with it but she doesn't get it. And then she'll tell me it's because she's sick. Now the late issue I truly do NOT understand being mental illness. Thoughts??? I wish I had time to go find support. I don't! If I did, I'd also find support in trying to deal with my adopted kid who has an attachment disorder. The ONE thing I couldn't handle before we adopted was mental illness, but that's what God gave us. :(:(:(:(:( And yes, I do worry SOMETIMES about mental illness. I've prayed against it on my kid's behalf for many, many years. All I can do is pray. I'm sorry to add CC, I honestly don't want to offend. I really don't mean to whine. I just get frustrated. Thanks for a glimpse into their world. I hope I can walk away from this thread truly enlightened. Denise

and please don't get mad at anything I say here. I'm honestly trying to understand my siblings; one of whom is bipolar, the other who is a paranoid schizophrenic. I am sooooooooooooooo busy raising my four kids, running a farm (although my furry friends rarely see me these days!) and taking care of my mother, whom can only feed herself on some days, other days I have to even give her fluids by a syringe because she'll only drink in the mornings. And if I don't hydrate her enough she gets a UTI. I'm also involved in homeschool activities and fairly regularly see my friends. I'm exhausted and some days it's a TOTAL struggle to get out of bed. Honestly, I can't understand being held captive to your thoughts, and being rendered helpless and living life on a couch. I don't have time to dwell on anything. I keep telling my siblings that I just don't have time to worry, etc. because I've got too much on my plate. Is it possibleble for people with mental illness NOT to be imprisoned by their thoughts? I really don't understand how you can live day in and day out in defeat. Like I said, my life is very hard and yet I force myself to get up and go on every day no matter how tired I am. I hope I don't offend. I'm honestly trying to understand. I've read online some but having gone through SO MANY difficulties myself and yet still living life....... I can't help but think it's a choice not to just force those thoughts aside. Again, I claim ignorance but please enlighten me. Denise

DON'T PRAY FOR PATIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :w00t::w00t::w00t:

boric acid is what worked for me. We're in NH, too..... if that matters. :tongue_smilie:

I have been in your shoes. We lived in a tiny duplex, adorable and one we owned, but next to my MOTHER-IN-LAW. Her property overlooked ours and she was constantly looking out at what I did or didn't do. I absolutely HATED it. We lived there for 7 LOOOOOOOOOONG years and I hated most of it, but I refused to dwell on it because I knew I could drive myself crazy. ;) I did have moments, however, where I did choose to drive myself nuts. I was good at it. I would suggest turning your thoughts into prayers. God does have a plan, and perhaps HE is the author of your dreams? Our place was so small that it was hard to be hospitable, but we chose to anyway. If we were at the dinner table with company, people would have to get up and move their chairs so we could get into the refrigerator. Towards the end when we had two boys in that tiny place, I got stir crazy so I opted to go out and walk A TON. I was very skinny. :D I just found ways to cope and manage until our circumstances changed. And they did. We found our dream home and acreage in a rural location yet close to everything. We built our barn and have a farm. We absolutely LOVE country life, and our old life is but a memory. I still remember the sirens speeding past and awaking our babies during their naps, the constant traffic, etc. I do NOT miss it, and I don't miss being close to everything. Turn your discontent into prayer! Pray that God make a way for it to happen. Pray for Him to remove that desire if it is not of Him. Pray for peace. The second we walked into our home we fell in love with it. I never thought we could afford it. We had invested in land that had taken a BEATING, and this property was listed as 65k more than we qualified for. BUT, God had a plan, and we've been living in this home for almost 13 years now and LOVING every moment of it. Turn your focus into prayer, and God will change your desires to be His, or He will answer your prayer! Denise PS - I moved from CA to NH and HATED winters. My husband looked at me like I had three heads this past winter when I told him it was my favorite season. I *LOVE* winter now! I LOVE walks in winter where the cool air is so refreshing and their are no bugs. I absolutely LOVE moonlit walks in the woods with a full moon. I absolutely LOVE WINTER, and THAT could only be a God thing. I honestly was sad to see winter end this year. I'm SO glad that God placed me in NH. Although dh and I have tried to move out of state in the past, it never worked out and I'm SO glad now. I have NO intention of ever leaving.

I'd check with your local feed store. I wouldn't recommend feeding the hens the growing mash as I think there would be too much fat and unsafe. I'm not quite sure if 18 weeks is old enough for the layiing mash but if my memory serves me right (I have learned to NEVER trust it!) then you could feed the pullets the laying mash. Again, my local feed store has been a HUGE help to my farm. :)

Honestly, I've been dealing with this for 4 years now. I honestly just wish God would give me a break. I know His word tells me that I'll never get more than I can handle, but I seriously question that. I did place my kids in school three years ago and I honestly thought I could qualify to be hospitalized for exhaustion. Placing my kids in school was both good and bad, and I DO have regrets. I've since pulled my girls out and plan to school them at home - no exceptions - through high school. But i'm still tired, tired, tired. In a nutshell, we adopted 5 years ago. I quickly learned that raising adopted kids versus bio kids was VERY different and VERY hard. My daughter has an attachment disorder and is SO challenging. We've come a looooooooooooooooong way since then, but at the time it was absolutely HORRIFIC. I also was convinced I had MS and was losing the use of my arms AND legs. Doctors were of no help. I did research and changed my diet and added herbs, and two years later I started to get better. Also during that time, the decline of my YOUNG parents health. I had to drive 45 minutes to their town to help them, take them to appts. etc. Hospitalizations, nursing homes, etc. Then my MIL had a stroke and heart attack. We had to work on her house to GET IT UP TO CODE. My best friend's husband and mother got cancer, both died within 10 days. I was there for them. And dad died last August at age 67, mom's care immediately went downhill so we brought her home to live with us in January. She is only able to partially feed herself, can't stand, etc. She has severe dementia, Parkinsons, colitis. I've seen a turn around in her, she's doing fantastic. Then dh and I go away for the day to celebrate our 20th anniversary LAST WEEK and Adult Protective Services were called on us because I called a nurse out to check on mom (I had an aide with her all day, one that knows her well and has been caring for her) and since she couldn't get her to awake, something that happens almost DAILY, she called 911. Pollice, fire dept. and APS came to the house, now we have THAT to deal with. (BTW, the police and fire dept. saw she was fine. I brought mom to the ER and told them to admit to observe her for the night. The drs there KNOW us, we're there every 2 weeks lately. They know about her outstanding care and always compliment me on how well mom looks. The dr was VERY angry at what happened and he told me that he was my mother's advocate, but also MY advocate. it was a very traumatic night.) DS broke his femur two weeks ago, and he's also being tested for recurrent pneumonia - 3 cases of it in 9 months, all different sites. My BP is out of control and my dr is concerned and going to run echocardiograms, 24 hour monitor. I JUST NEED A BREAK. I'm really getting fed up and wondering WHY God won't give us a break. I KNOW I'm in His will, I'm caring for orphans and widows. My life is TOO HARD. Some days I just am so exhausted that I literally have to FORCE myself otu of bed. Our home, our haven, was always kept up so well. We've neglected it for three years now to take care of everyone else. So yes, I understand what you're saying. I'm so sorry for my ranting and whining. All this as I type with sunglasses and a MAJOR migraine. Time to go. Mom needs to awake and be fed. God help me! Denise

that's what I was thinking! How can they possibly get ANYONE to believe that? I'm SURE there are MANY Mary's who have NOT gotten cancer due to their bitterness. Don't the Gothard followers think of that? it scares me to know what people will follow. I just left a church where the pastor openly sinned, the elders stood by him and never held him accountable, the pastor continued to sin and ran people away, be totally unloving and harsh, criticize people who didn't conform to what he said (he thought it was rebellion when members wouldn't use the NIV bible ONLY as he instructed them to do) and then he had the entire congregation, well, who was left anyway (only two families remain, everyone else is new and the church had 150 members last year) sign contracts stating that they'd never gossip about the pastor. I mean, HONESTLY! What type of person would follow/support this crap? Some of the Gothard stuff can make sense. I can understand wearing light make-up and conservative clothing. I say this as I sit in my BRIGHTLY colored, tye dye shirt. :tongue_smilie: Never knew what a rebel I was. Oh, guess what? I'm wearing EYELINER - oh SIN OF SINS!!! :lol: I can understand SOME of the stuff. But the other stuff is just waaaaaaaaaaaaay out there and I don't understand how ANYONE could conform to this man's teachings and lifestyle. Honestly, these people have made Bill Gothard their god. The people in my past church made that pastor their god. How sad for them, and for God.

I'm so sorry for you. I have seen many introverts and love getting to know them. That's just what I do, if they let me in. I wish I was closer to you - I'm not! Surely there must be some secular homeschool group near you, isn't there? If not, can you drive to one? Two years I drove 45 minutes each way to homeschool groups for my kids. I made friends, too, and it helped that I loved the moms. The commute didn't bother me, it was important for the kids. If not a homeschool group, can your kids join Boy/Girl Scouts? We had luck with that because the same SMALL group of kids meet every week. I found that sports wasn't a way for my boys to connect with others because all the kids already had their friends from school and my boys were strangers. We were new to town and it was SO hard. I sooooooo feel your pain. Theater? I hope things turn around for you! Denise Who doesn't know how to NOT approach people and talk openly, but who was such a shy child that I wouldn't approach my OWN PARENTS if their friends were around!

I'm so absolutely sorry for you, sweetie. My heart just breaks for you. I'm SO sorry your husband AND your friend broke your trust. They both failed you. It will be SO hard to every trust your husband again, but with time and help, perhaps you can. Please, please focus on YOURSELF and your baby now. I hope and pray that your baby will remain healthy. Your pain is very raw right now. Take some time to mourn and then you need to have a good, long chat with your husband. I'm so sorry, Inna. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

CHORE, CHORE, CHORE. I used to LOVE to cook and would cook elaborate meals. NOW IT'S A CHORE AND NOT FUN AT ALL. I have so much on my plate, I just view it as ANOTHER thing I have to do. :blush:

honestly, I had such a deep fear of bugs that hubby wanted to send me to a survival camp. The thought of confronting bugs HEAD ON almost caused me to completely panic. Moving to the country and then building our barn was my own way of setting up my own survival camp. :D I can't believe how far I've come, and you will do the same! YOU WILL!!! :001_smile:

I understand COMPLETELY. I force myself NOT to look down or to think about where I am when I'm on a bridge. I also have to do this with flying, which I also hate. You'll get stronger because of having to deal with that bridge! :001_smile:

Boy do I miss mine! It finally died after 18 years of heavy use. I used mine to make all my own home made babyfood, frozen smoothies, etc. There's so much you can do with it! Denise

my kids LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE banana, peanut butter and milk. Sometimes I freeze milk in ice cube trays and will freeze sliced bananas so we can have this in our frozen version. We also keep bags of frozen fruits to add to milk or soymilk. I will also add yogurt. We love strawberry/banana w/milk, frozen berries with yogurt, etc. I add flaxseed oil for the health benefits and it can't even be tasted. There are so many options!

I'm SO very sorry. I know how scary this must be. I'm praying for you.