I can't make decisions. I second guess myself 24/7. I just seem to spin in circles non stop. I feels like I'm inside one of those hamster balls and I'm just running and the ball is spinning every direction. I'm so tired of being like this! I have kids who need a mom who can make confident decisions. I have a marriage I need to figure out. I have school decisions to make. It just doesn't really work I go through like like this. But how does a person learn to be decisive?

I'm so sorry. It stinks, just plain stinks. Every time we had to go through a goodbye I thought I'd die. Nothing quite shreds your heart like this kind of good-bye. And you just have to ride ou the stinking emotional roller coaster. I hated that. I always wanted to get to the end so I could somehow feel normal again. But nope gotta do all the stinking ups and downs first. The only thing that gave me strength was my belief that as much as I loved those kids I was sure God loved them more. I still wish his plans made sense to me though.

I have concerns but for now I'm staying put. Originally they seemed like they'd be very unsupportive. However the more Ive talked with my pastor the more supportive he has become. I went in with a long list of concerns and we discussed each one I left feeling more at ease. I know he's also been educating himself on this type of situation and I appreciate that. Of course it could all change in an instant. I am still skeptical. I just don't want to run based on my fear. I expect I'll find unsupportive people everywhere. Especially since most people will know nothing more than I asked what looks like a wonderful man to move out and he cooperates out of love but he is totally heartbroken.

I know the SS teachers comment is a tone I'll encounter plenty of in the church circle. I figure I can't expect anything different from people who do not know the whole story. And I'm sure some will have the same attitude even if they do know. Truth is once upon a time I would have made just as stupid of a comment. Right now we are supposed to be working towards reunification so the counselors say I should avoid divorce related groups. I do have a name of a counselor for the kids and will pursue that. If we reach the point reconciliation is obviously not happening I will look into the divorce recovery group option.

Thanks for all the encouragement. Today was harder. DS refused to participate in communion at church because he is angry with God. I'm okay with that, I just hate to see him hurting. DD broke down crying that its her fault. Poor girl. And because I knew it might come up as a prayer request I had to share the news with the kids SS teacher. That was just awkward. This afternoon she sent me a sweet text with the undertone of I hope you both realize this is a mistake. I'm not hurt by the text just sad about it all. I hate this. All day and night I second guess the decision for him to leave.

I'm so sorry. Prayer and hugs

My kids are incredible. Granted I'm a little bit biased.

Lol. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for sharing that. My kids deserve a better life than they've had so far. I hope this lets them at least have a bit more peace.

1. Will you still be able to home school us? *THAT made my day! 2. Will we be poor? 3. Are you SURE you will still be able to home school us even though we will have less money? 4. Does this mean we can have friends over now? 5. Can we play music in the mornings now? I expect more concerns to come up... but those were the only concerns they raised today.

I'm sorry. We fostered for almost 10 years and had 36 kiddos. That meant 31 goodbyes and it was so tough. There's just no way to make it easier, it's just crummy.

I don't know what I think of these counselors. They haven't be of much help to me. However, they seem to possibly see through dh and if that's the case that's a good thing! They also have a good relationship with our pastor and are willing o help him be understanding of my desire to separate. That's also a good thing. So for now I'm sticking with them.

I'm not taking anything because they'd been diminishing. I had 3 yesterday though. I may have to cave on taking something. I don't know.

I'm sorry, I feel your pain today.

I had to run check my post count and was relieved to see I had a couple hundred posts before I started posting things that are actually too personal to talk about anywhere. So hopefully that only makes me a bit weird vs totally weird.

Yesterday while trying to buy my kids something for Valentines I had a total meltdown in the grocery store. It was so ugly by the time I got to the checkout the manager took me to an isle and checked me out and said he didn't want me to have to wait in line that upset. He probably thought I'd scare people away. I bought myself a box of chocolates... I hate a couple then remembered I hate chocolate. So I crushed the box and chocolate and threw it away. Today I went to "marriage counseling" and listened as the counselor explained to my dh that he didn't think a separation would hurt us since to be honest we have no relationship anyway so there is nothing to lose. That made me feel great! I tried to hide from the rest of the day... then had a 2 hour argument with him about all the crap. UGH. And then I spent the rest of the night thinking... I've put 20 years into this maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it because he's not even gone yet and I'm miserable. Then I decided I'm mentally unstable. That's probably the only valid thought I've had in the last 48 hours. Oh yes, can't forget I had a full blown panic attack in counseling and ended up running form the room and collapsing on their bathroom floor and I know everyone could hear me freaking out. When I came out I could still barely walk and couldn't speak. THAT WAS GREAT FUN! It's just the best Valentines Day ever!

That does sound like enough for a soap opera... Or Christmas letter. Your post title made me smile though, lately I've been saying I'm living a lifetime movie.

Yes, I've benefited from those types of discussions here and I'm very grateful for the insight gained.

Seems like it shouldn't. Yet I can't seem to make them mesh.

I'm stuck between logic and what I believe/faith based issues. I've been torn for years and the entire last year was the final straw. Me personally I'm done.done.done. I just can't get past the fact following through on what I want to do know will cost me my church, friends, and feeling like a decent person.

I get that, I do. I'm not even sure what I hoped for from counseling. And that's pretty much what she said, if I can make the decision then she can support me but since I can't make a decision there's not much to be accomplished. And I still can't make a decision because there isn't a good choice to make.

I recently had my first experience with going to counseling. I can't say I'm too impressed. Perhaps I need to try another person. I'm not sure. For now I'm taking a break and not sure I'll go back. I've spent an awful lot of money just to have the counselor tell me what I already knew and that I need to just make a decision to stay or go. Of course I've also pretty much decided church is baloney as well. Oh, and most of my family isn't worth the time and I'll keep my 1 or 2 good friends and quit wasting time on the rest too. So maybe it's just me seeing the worst in everything at the moment!

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

We did this. It was a roomy 2 car garage so we were able to get a large room and a small bedroom out of it. We had to raise the floor and opted to add an ac unit so that made it cost more. I don't remember the exact cost but will see if dh remembers. We currently use the big room as a school room but I look forward to having it as just a 2nd living space.

My day dreaming is what gets me. I start staring off into space and I don't finish a single task. I must get up and get busy now. I have a crazy week ahead and need to start with a clean house.