[Please pray for my son]

@Teaching3bears, you and your son are in my prayers.

Even while your frustration is so evident, your beautiful mama heart is shining through.  You are a blessing to your son.  

My heart hurts for your good boy.  I wish we could all get to know him in person and let him feel the love of this extended community!

[What makes a child "unhomeschoolable"?]

Thank you for sharing, @Mrs Tiggywinkle Again.  The situation that your siblings are in is one that I want to avoid.  I'm sure your mom was very sincere about wanting to give all of you kids the best education she could.  I wish your siblings and your mom emotional healing and reconciliation.  

[What makes a child "unhomeschoolable"?]

By the way, @HomeAgain, my husband and I are now privately, good-naturedly referring to our son as Cecil.  He does exactly the same thing that yours does.  I think my next living story will be on the CM mom dealing with Halloween candy wrappers all over the house!

[What makes a child "unhomeschoolable"?]

3 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

I really think we need a book titled:
Charlotte Mason in the 21st Century - Practical Stories For Every Home Teacher

Inside it can be filled with dozens of Cecils and Louisas, going through the motions of a "good" CM education and what it really looks like in a family right now.  🤣 Take a little of the shine off the idealism and more set in reality.

Yes!  You and I could write the modern day living stories. At least it would keep the moms chuckling!

[What makes a child "unhomeschoolable"?]

Thank you to everyone.  It's been so hard to start out homeschooling as the most enthusiastic homeschool cheerleader in town and then to feel that all my dreams and ideals have come crashing down.   That's one reason why I haven't posted much lately - how can I show my "face" here when I'm such a homeschooling failure?

@WTM, just wanted to let you know that we've already started the process of getting her evaluated for the ADHD, but, of course, it takes months to get in.  I think you and I have similarly challenging kids!

@Doodlebug, if I could give your post a hundred "likes", I would.  You hit the nail on the head with your words about the idealism crash.

 

3 hours ago, Eos said:

Adding to all the wisdom above, the internet is the factor that none of us can control for.  All those Charlotte Mason scenarios melt in the face of modern reality when we are (somewhat necessarily) immersed in a product that is designed to addict. You have not failed.

Eos, these words should be emblazoned on the front of every new homeschooling book.  My husband and I were 100% thoughtful and deliberate about trying to introduce our kids to the internet in a very limited, controlled way, but we lost control almost immediately.  I now call Nitrotype my kids' gateway drug.

To everyone:  I really, really appreciate all the wisdom shared on this thread.  You have all lightened my heart and my husband's heart.  Our "Louisa" and our "Cecil" are both really great kids, despite their challenges.  We'll pivot our education strategies for what's best for them.

[What makes a child "unhomeschoolable"?]

@HomeAgain, I love it!🤣  Thanks for understanding!

[What makes a child "unhomeschoolable"?]

On a light-hearted note, what I feel like is that my life should look like a Charlotte Mason living story along these lines:

 

Mother stared in disbelief.  Louisa [because aren't all thirteen-year-old Victorian girls named Louisa?] had angrily torn up the Latin homework she was supposed to scan in before it was due tomorrow and left all the little pieces at Mother's place at the table.  [This really happened.]  Calmly, Mother asked Nurse to take the children upstairs to the nursery so she could think through what to do while she sipped her afternoon tea.  [Clearly fictional.]  When Father came home, they first had a quiet, delicious dinner Cook had made and then sat in front of the crackling fire with all the time in the world to talk about what to do about Louisa.

The next morning, refreshed after a full night of sleep, Mother and Father sat impeccably dressed at breakfast, the table covered with a linen tablecloth and fresh flowers in a vase.  They had Nurse bring Louisa to them, where they calmly explained to her the dangers of a Malignant Self-Will.

Louisa's face showed horror as she realized what she had done.  "O, Mother, Father, I do so regret losing control and demonstrating an act of Malignant Self-Will!  I will learn the habits of Responsibility, Attention, and Cheerfulness right away now!"

Mother and Father smiled sweet smiles.  "We're glad you will now never again fall into such a dangerous trap, Louisa."  

And from then on, Mother, in her ever-loving watchful vigilance, only had to frown when she saw evidence that the children were considering an act of Malignant Self-Will, and they would immediately realize the oh-so-dangerous road they had been tempted to follow, and there was peace forevermore in that tastefully-elegant and always clutter-free home.

The end.

 

But, um, that's not how my life looks.  🤣

[What makes a child "unhomeschoolable"?]

Thank you, all.  Please know that I certainly do understand that there is no one size fits all answer, but this is a question that came up with a friend in real life a few months ago, who also has an unhomeschoolable daughter.  I've been pondering it ever since, and it all just came to a head this past weekend.

Watching my daughter has taught me how awfully judgmental I, as an off-the-charts introvert, have been.  "Needing to be around people" has always seemed to me like a whiny, immature, just-wanna-party, can't-handle-self-awareness attitude.  Extroverts really, truly need other people around?  That has been a slow shock wave realization to me over the past several months.  I've even self-righteously posted on this forum before that I was sure I was managing my extrovert's social needs with a few extracurricular activities that I signed her up for.  But watching her absolutely light up when she can interact with someone she is not blood-related to has shown me otherwise.

And that makes me sad, too.  What about all the mental energy I put into making this home a lovely, warm-hearted place where the kids would feel happy?

Add in hormones, a pandemic, possibly ADHD, lying about social media accounts, expectations that our kids would be the academic overachievers that my husband and I were, and my lovely Charlotte-Mason-wannabe world is crumbling.

[What makes a child "unhomeschoolable"?]

Hi @maize.  No, this is not the son with anxiety.  This is my thirteen-year-old daughter.  We've known that homeschooling as we've done it with her was coming to an end, so this year we signed her up for a few online classes, but that has been an expensive failure.  She's failing all of them.  If I leave her alone, she blows off school.  If I "nag" her, well, then I'm nagging and she's screaming at me.  She doesn't want my scaffolding any more.  Public school is the obvious next step for her.  I'd drop her off at the local middle school this morning if it would really be best.  But I can't imagine that dropping a kid off in middle school in the middle of the year, when she's now sure that she has ADHD and can't manage it, would be best.

(The following paragraph is rhetorical - if reflects my feelings, not my logic.) But I feel like something must have gone wrong:  Homeschooling was supposed to inoculate my kids against adolescent misbehaviors, right? 😉  Homeschooling was supposed to make them get along with each other better, be more responsible, have mature conversations with grown-ups, develop a life-long love of learning, etc., etc., etc.  I read all the right parenting and homeschooling books.  Isn't this what they promised me?  How come some moms can make it work when I can't?  Do all the moms of the high school boards parent/teach with an iron fist?  (That would not fit me.)

 

[30 Days of Gratitude 2022 - Day 4]

I know this thread was from a few days ago, but I'd love to share this piece that always brings joy to my heart.  It was my wedding processional!

 

[What makes a child "unhomeschoolable"?]

The high school boards are active, so obviously plenty of kids can be successfully homeschooled through high school.  Then there are those of us (many of us) who can't seem to make it work.  What makes some children able to be homeschooled all the way through and others not?  Why?

Is it extreme extroversion in the unhomeschoolable child?

Is it natural differentiation ("Mom and I are not the same person")?

Is it adolescent hormones?

Is it latent learning disabilities that had lain hidden by years of Mom's scaffolding?

Please be gentle.  Assume that this mom has always been sincere, encouraging, enthusiastic, patient-but-firm, and well-organized.  But this mom is now broken.  😞  

(Just in case I lose my nerve putting this out here, please don't quote.)

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

2 minutes ago, livetoread said:

It's a huge lie that we parents have tons of control over the mental health of our kids. We need to be good enough parents which isn't a super high bar, and then we need to figure out as best we can how to deal with their illness, but their mental wellness is not a measure of our parenting. Big hugs to you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!  

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

But God forbid I need similar instruction because of a mental health issue in one of my kids.  That, people are happy to judge!  

Yep.  One problem is that he's just been under the radar for so long that we haven't been able to get anyone to take us seriously, and I think we are going to switch psychiatrists as well, for the same reasons.  We've been trying to get him help for years.

We live in a town where it's really hard to get services.

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

2 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I will also add that something can have a parenting solution that doesn’t mean that the problem came from the parenting.  Kids with special needs, regardless of etiology, need specialized things and those things need to be taught.

Bless you, baseballandhockey.  Every night I cry, "How can someone who tried so hard to be a good mother have failed so terribly?"  I'll look into the SPACE program.

[How do you "move on" after a car accident that you caused?]

I hadn't been in the car more than five minutes on my drive home from my first radiation treatment for cancer when I changed lanes and missed someone in my blind spot.  Neither the other guy nor I was hurt, though both cars will need some work.

How do you move on?  How do you let go of the guilt?  How do you stop beating yourself up?  

Any help would be much appreciated.  Thank you!

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, I just do not understand this at all. Just turn off the computer and tell him he can't get on....  YOU ARE THE PARENT.

Well, yes... But giving him computer time is easier than him breaking expensive or sentimental things, or screaming all the time.  It's just not that easy.  But we're working with him all the time on these issues.  

[Breast cancer diagnosis - please help with all the emotions - update 4/16]

Just a quick update, everyone.  My medical oncologist texted the radiation oncologist and said, "Patient wants to start radiation.  Please get her scheduled."  Rad onc himself called that afternoon.  Amazing what one MD can get another to do!  So I just started radiation this morning.  Hopefully all will go well!

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

Thank you, everyone.  The update is that he is still refusing any sort of intervention.  In the meantime, he has developed even more food issues (he's scared to eat more foods all the time.).  And he's so addicted to the computer.  My husband and I get almost no computer time ourselves because our kids hog it so much.  (We're looking for a family counselor to help us with more reasonable boundaries with the kids, because we shouldn't have to beg our kids to use our own computer!)  If he's not on the computer, he's usually lying in my bed.  

It's so hard to see a child you love depressed and he doesn't want any help.  😞 

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

On 7/11/2022 at 11:15 AM, TexasProud said:

I cannot stress this enough

GET GENETIC TESTING

And since you are talking about Lexapro, my middle son calls this the drug from the devil because it made me suicidal when I never before.  Did the exact same thing to my oldest.

That said, obviously, it works really well for some people. But the genetic testing ( which the psych did, family practice doc did nothing before he prescribed) showed that my genetics magnify all the bad side effects and negate the good ones for Lexapro.

The other thing is. His concerns are real and valid. All medicines have side effects.  I wonder if acknowledging that but saying that NOT taking anything also has side effects might be helpful.  What won't change is that YOU are there and trying to help him.  So if there is a side effect like x, then you guys will do z.  

Hi TexasProud.  He has absolutely refused to get the genetic testing.  I don't know if he has anxiety over what the test will involve, or if he's just tired of being "worked on".  We'll keep trying, though.

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

On 7/11/2022 at 9:10 AM, TechWife said:

Two ideas -

First - Has  your son talked about this with the psychiatrist? They would know all the info that is available and would be able to help him put potential side effects into the broader context of both studies and real world experience.

Second - Does your son see a counselor? If not, this might be a good time to start. A counselor can address anxiety and try to help him get to a place where he is willing to take the medication, which would further help him manage anxiety. 

Hi Techwife.  He won't talk to the psychiatrist.  😞  For our last meeting he ran from the room and never came back.  And no, he doesn't see a counselor, and is really resistant.  I think that he's just so tired of being the problem child that he's hoping everything will just go away and he'll be normal without any more embarrassment.

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

On 7/9/2022 at 6:09 PM, Storygirl said:

DS also takes other medications, and his medications help the entire family, because it makes him easier to live with, so I understand that component of your situation.

Storygirl, thank you so much for your understanding and for your suggestions.  He is motivated by so few things now, but we'll try to find something that will work for him.

[need recommendations for our next read aloud (grades 10 and 11)]

On 7/7/2022 at 11:13 AM, cintinative said:

The Chosen by Chaim Potok

I haven't done this with my kids (middle school age), but it is really a beautiful, thoughtful book.  It should be a wonderful read aloud with high school age kids.

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

On 7/8/2022 at 7:09 AM, Ottakee said:

Have you ruled out PANDAS 

No, but we can ask about it at the next doc visit.  My understanding is that PANDAS has a definite start with a strep infection, but there hasn't been any "start" to this.  He's always been hard.

Thanks for suggesting this.  We will follow up everything we can.

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

3 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

How self-aware is he? By that, I mean does he recognize his experience with anxiety as restricting and uncomfortable?  I’m asking because I imagine it is/would be so much more difficult if he doesn’t recognize the benefits of “normalcy”, so to speak.

It's hard to tell.  He's so upset about always being "worked on" that he won't talk about much.  But, I need him to calm down so he doesn't take his anger our on me all the time.  

Need to sign off now - the kid has been over my shoulder for the past half-hour asking if I'm done.  It's hard to get privacy for typing on the forum!

Thank you all!

[Kid needs to take meds for anxiety, but won't take med because of anxiety – what to do?]

Hi friends.  Slipping back on while I can.  Sorry I forgot to include his age:  he's eleven.

I'll talk to the doc about hydroxyzine, but I don't think that he'll take anything right now if I can't guarantee no side effects.  (He will ask me one hundred times "Are you sure it's okay?" and I will answer him one hundred times, "Yes, 100% sure", but he still won't do it.  He won't even take Motrin anymore.  We can't get him to try the Lexapro even once, much less trying it for a month.  (I know that it takes a while to take effect.)  He was also really burned by stimulants (we tried two different ones), which worked fine during the day, but turned him aggressive and violent at night.

I should also add that this isn't situational anxiety.  The kid is anxious all the time.  He won't eat homemade food anymore, only things that come out of a can or a wrapper, because he's too scared of germs or mold.  He's getting to the point he doesn't want to leave the house.  He's depressed.  It's all tied together.

@ScoutTN, thank you for the idea of genetic testing!  That might really help to assure him, and us, too, that we're not just guessing and that it will work!  I'll bring that up with the doc at our next appointment.

You have all been so kind and encouraging, but I want to say a special thanks for @bolt. and @Baseballandhockey for sharing your really wise advice.