Hmm, good thinking on the ankle strap. I think you may be right. I am quite liking these ones: https://www.amazon.com/Easy-Spirit-Womens-Cindie-Dress/dp/B01MV0E6Z7?th=1&psc=1 Or these from the same brand: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B077YR7C44/ref=cts_sh_1_vtp?ie=UTF8&pi=SL110&dpPl=1&dpID=41kRLih2mrL&th=1&psc=1

Thank you, yes southern hemisphere. Both events will be during warmer weather. Considering something like these... https://www.amazon.com/DREAM-PAIRS-Womens-Revona-Royal/dp/B073H5YJTG/ref=mp_s_a_1_15?ie=UTF8&qid=1538185494&sr=8-15&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=royal+blue+shoes+for+women+ankle+strap&dpPl=1&dpID=41l58kI8ezL&ref=plSrch

Thank you! I'm pleased to see ballet flats mentioned, I was thinking that but wasn't sure if it was too immature/casual. Thoughts on colours? I was thinking a nice blue would contrast, with some blue jewellery? But I'm totally open to other ideas. I'm pretty sure black wouldn't work.

Okay, I'm terminally fashion challenged. I bought this dress to wear to some formal-ish events this summer. For casual events I'd wear either my doc martens or havianas, depending on the weather. I need to be a bit more grown up and I really have no idea what kind of nice shoes 'go' with this dress... Thoughts? Pics and links would be soooo helpful! Less heel is better, I am not graceful.

This is me. Dh and I have had so many fights in the car! I always take the wrong turn. Always. I pre study the maps, I write out all the steps. I have the GPS going. I still take a wrong turn. I think even the GPS voice mocks me now, deadpan voice: "recalculating route..."

I get what you're saying Stella, and you know that I value precise language so I'm trying to take it on board. Conversely, being raised by a person who exhibits npd traits is to be robbed of your ability to think and express clearly. Finding vocabulary and a voice is half the battle. The other half is the Pavlovian guilt that rears its head to confuse and obscure the truth. So I will do my best, but there's a fair bit of internal wrestling already happening with this expression. Unrelated: I spent a lot of time wondering if I was actually the problem, if I was just taking an easy out of 'blaming mother for all my problems.' I'm actually terrified of my children thinking this way about me. what If she was right and everything I did was a huge mistake? My mother hasn't been diagnosed, she goes to therapy every now and then but she's got the perfect victim story so... My best friend's dad is the same. This year he rang her on her birthday to call her names and tell her she was cut out of the will (again).

I don't disagree with this. But, having lived it, the target usually first thinks that they are the crazy one. The first instinct is never to blame the npd, challenging them is to be avoided at all cost. The antics are so unbelievable and the dynamics so ingrained and the target so brainwashed that it takes an awful lot of fog to clear before the target even thinks that the npd person might actually be the problem. Outside people don't believe it because, frankly, it is unbelievable. Even my dh didn't really believe me. He didn't think I was lying exactly, he thought it was normal level dysfunction and he found it annoying that I was unable to defy my mother. 10 years in he finally saw a tantrum up close, and he couldn't even explain what had happened. He was speechless.

This! They are charming and they tend to build up guilt control points by playing martyr and 'helping' you. Then they move on to new victims. My npd mother has a trail of failed relationships behind her. Marriages, friendships. She has quite a few siblings and sort of cycles through them. When we were still in contact, she rang me after yet another blow up with friends, tearfully saying "I'm starting to wonder if it's me!" Not touching that with a 40ft pole...

Promise?! ?

Sorry, I missed this reply! I ended up sending a very pretty card saying: Dear sister and partner, thank you for the beautiful invitation. Dh and I will be honoured to come and witness your wedding ceremony. Regrettably we won't be able to stay for the reception. Much love, LMD & dh. Simple, upbeat, no drama. I feel sick

Haha, that's a whole 'nother conversation. It's a mixed blessing ? Dh agrees we should go for the ceremony only, sans kids. He thinks I should just get it over with and tell sister and let the chips fall where they may. His first instinct with my mum is to forgive/move on but when he remembers the threats he knows she isn't safe to loosen boundaries with. He also hates weddings and would love an excuse not to go. We have a wedding for his side of the family in a similar place (3hr drive one way) before my sister's and he's already griping.

Yes, my sister and her partner want to have kids soonish, I'm quite worried that all hell will break loose for her... My in laws are genuinely good people. Love them. Not perfect and we've had our tiffs but they've always treated me like a daughter. Dh has rock solid boundaries with them (with everyone, he's manipulation proof) which has made things easier.

Thanks Pen, I'll listen to that video while I wash the dishes. ? Thank you everyone, I feel much more stable now. And I'll just take one more opportunity to unload, feel free to ignore me! I may delete it later, it is nice to talk and have people get it. My sister has only nearly seen a full tantrum twice. The first time was when she and her partner (now fiance) were house hunting. They were looking in a suburb approx 30mins away from where mother lives (halfway between both sets of parents.) Mum got upset that they weren't including her enough and that her daughters were 'abandoning' her. Sister rang me in tears thinking that mum was having some sort of drug induced psychotic episode. They ended up buying a house that mum chose in the same suburb. A couple of months later our mother met a new boyfriend and moved interstate. This was a super mild tantrum. She threatened to take us to court for our children and report us to family services and all sorts of nastiness. That was when she decided to cut me off and I've just held her to it. The only time I've seen her in 5 years is when I was visiting my sister - who was undergoing cancer treatment - and mum waltzed in and asked for a cup of tea! When I said I was leaving, she stormed off and her boyfriend gave my sister a scolding look for not comforting her! She likes to tell people that dh and his family brainwashed me and stole me away to live with them when I was 15. She leaves out the parts of the story where I was 17 (and graduated), dh's parents were not happy about it at all, but I had nowhere else to go because mum was moving across the city and in with yet another boyfriend. I had actually forgotten the true story when she wrote all this in the letter, dh looked at me like I was crazy and said 'uh, no, that's not what happened...' Martyrdom and rewriting history are her hobbies. There's endless stories like this, but I was conditioned to take care of her emotions. The 3rd man she married, the man who was the biggest father influence in my childhood was my step father. He was bipolar and very violent to my mother. I spent many nights comforting my mum, looking after my sister, calling the police, sleeping in shelters... I was 12 when we ran away in the middle of the night one Christmas. Husband #4 was a loser and they lasted a year, he spent all her money and they split up the week leading up to my wedding. That she feels entitled to an opinion on my marriage, and to cut me off because of it, is laughable.

Thank you! I've downloaded the kindle samples for these to start with.

So she texted and asked if we're coming. I replied: "I got your invite, gorgeous! Yes we're coming ? sending RSVP card today." No drama... putting my phone away for a while now. Thanks everyone!

Wow, that is a very vivid and apt description! Thank you! I'm very sorry for your experience too. That's awful.

? consider any advice you want to throw at me completely solicited Stella! Anytime, any topic. Want to advise me on whether to pre salt the water to cook pasta? Thank you. I'm kind of leaving it all to the side with a muted hopefulness, and getting on with trying not to repeat toxic patterns with my own kids - including my teen daughter who is so. like. me. And a smart ass like her father ?

Yes that's true. Healing so far has consisted of distance = fog lifting and reading some books. Praying for miracles, talking to people who understand. Also some dear friends helping me to mature within my marriage to a healthier place. I wasn't kidding when I said there was a lot of baggage and I don't have enough emotional or time reserves to start pulling that thread iykwim.

Thank you Stella. I can see it that way now with the clarity of middle age lol. My 20s were just... confusing!

Thank you everyone, this is really helpful. Filling in the RSVP card today. Fyi, my husband has never cheated or abused me. He ain't perfect but I think he's a good one. We celebrated 15 years this year. If my boundaries with both husband and mother had been more solid and mature in our early marriage years, perhaps I could have managed all this better. I did the best I could, I was a damaged 20 year old and made a mess. Dynamics are complicated. I was golden child until I rebelled as a teen, so it transferred to my younger sister (in the same letter was bullet points of everything I'd done wrong since I was 15). I have also rebelled more severely than my sister, so she's never seen the full npd tantrum - and it's difficult to believe if you don't see it with your own eyes. It took 10 years for dh to see it and he was literally speechless. Okay, all your advice has helped a lot, that's enough pity party for me. Big girl pants on. No drama. Thanks for talking it out with me! I knew you ladies would be helpful.

Yes you're right, thank you. Okay, deep breath, light and factual, no over explaining, no drama from me.

Thank you, being the bad guy all the time is exhausting. If I had to make a prediction, mum will make some kind of scene. I think she would try not to because there will be people she wants to look good in front of. But I think strength of emotion plus drugs/alcohol plus backed by her sisters (4 of them, she's made sure I'm the bad guy) will equal some kind of drama.

This pretty well sums up my thoughts, thank you.

The wedding date makes this awkward - it's right near 2 holidays, kid's activities would be off. I wouldn't go without dh, I'm not strong enough on my own.

Thank you for all your thoughts, I really feel buoyed by your support. ❤️ I am considering your posts and I'm trying not to be argumentative. My concern is that saying nothing about the elephant in the room is disingenuous, she won't buy that we just decided not to bring the kids for other reasons. I don't know, does that matter?