help with rigid thinking (ASD)

[fdrinca]

DS5 exhibits rigid thinking inconsistently. At times, he's able to adapt his mindset, and other times he cannot. It's somewhat correlated with his general level of stress/exhaustion/previous exertion, but not always. (So: it's better after an hour of read-alouds and snuggles, worse after an hour at gymnastics or on a playdate.)

 

My question is, **as his primary educator** how hard to I push him? 

 

I tend to believe that because he does exhibit some flexibility in thinking, I can back off when he is especially rigid and wait for a more receptive time to challenge his thoughts. 

 

I don't want to do a disservice to him, but I also don't think the time spent in frustration and anger is healthful for him or his siblings - especially since, as he's soon to be one of four kiddos, he has more than enough frustration triggers in his life.

[kbutton]

I hope Lecka chimes in because she will have excellent advice.

 

Unless you live in a cave, my thought is that at 5, there will be enough circumstances in his life where he has to flex when neither of you can help it, and you won't have to push it in the sense of making school a battleground. I would think that would allow you some latitude to smooth over things during school to keep things positive. This will change over time as expectations go up age-wise, and a behaviorist could give you some really good information about working on this. If school is the only place he shows much rigidity (at least outwardly), then it might be a different story.

 

Before I knew we had ASD in the picture, I worked on flexibility in little ways. Little is relative to the child and situation--probably some of what i did would be a big deal for someone else. Once we had our diagnosis, our psychologist told us to put variety in everyday things that he's comfortable with. In our case, this could be that we do school at roughly the same time every day, but we don't necessarily do the subjects in the same order. What is appropriate for your son might not work for mine or another child, but I am guessing that the area you practice will be something you and a behavioral person could work out. It can be something planned and with goals.

[Innisfree]

I would definitely use the times when he is less stressed to work on this.

 

With my dd, when she is stressed and rigid, I define flexibility as just not getting into a pitched battle, but letting herself take some time, calm down, and discuss things later.

 

Between ourselves, dh and I refer to dd's "bucket" overflowing. When she's had all the stress she can take, and her bucket is overflowing, she can't hold/learn any more. When she isn't so stressed, she can learn.

 

We have intentionally talked a lot with her about how a range of options is usually available, and we have actively encouraged and rewarded negotiating skills and compromise.

 

Note that my dd is almost eleven. We still are working at this, but it is getting better. When she was five we did not have a diagnosis, and I'd have done a lot differently if I'd understood what we were dealing with.

 

But when she was five we were reading The Explosive Child and practicing those techniques: empathizing first, stating what the child wants [tension might start going down at this point if we were lucky], then explaining what our needs were and asking for help solving the problem. We still use this technique, in fact. It has helped a lot.

 

I think kbutton is right that at five, and with siblings including a new baby, there will be plenty of times to practice this. I'd actually be focusing on providing as much of the calm snuggly time as possible, and talking about how good this feels, and how we can choose to do things to feel calm and good: teaching how to reduce stress, because then you can teach other things, like flexibility.

[Lecka]

I agree, you need to back off when you know he is more stressed.  Rigid behavior can be a response to stress, and that can be okay.  There is no reason to push kids into a meltdown.  That is usually not a good thing to do.  

 

Now -- I distinguish personally, there is major upset, meltdown.... and then there is some whining, some "muuuh muuuh" stuff, some "I am expressing I don't like this" stuff ----- that is what we call (I think) "protest behavior."  

 

"Protest behavior" is good communication in a lot of ways -- it is "protest behavior" instead of a meltdown.  

 

I can still work with protest behavior.  I can still expect a bit of compliance and a bit of "yes, you need to wait your turn" and little, short things like that.  

 

If it is past "protest behavior" to "I am very close to having a meltdown" then I want to prevent a meltdown.

 

I am in the school that says meltdowns are counter-productive and very difficult for children, and it takes them a long time to recover, and it makes it harder for them in many ways b/c they do not have the same level of trust and positive experiences.  

 

I went to a long presentation by this woman over the summer, and I thought she was really good.  She was very into saying, prevent meltdowns, there are negative consequences.

 

 http://www.isec2005.org.uk/isec/abstracts/papers_m/myles_b.shtml

 

I think you are doing what is recommended, though.  Kids do not need to be pushed beyond the point that it is productive.  

 

I do push through protest behaviors that do not look like they will lead to a meltdown.... at this point, I have a pretty good idea of what this means.  My son has some body language that he uses when he is more upset, that I recognize.  I know if I see that body language, I need to act in a different way, than if I don't see it.  

 

It sounds like you are recognizing his signs, to me.

 

There are a lot of purposeful/intentional ways to work on flexibility, too, when kids are not stressed, and when they are engaged in an activity.  That is when it can be a really productive time.

 

I definitely have an understanding that:  if you work on flexibility in relaxed times, and the child improves, that will carry over to other parts of life, over time.  I have an understanding it is like building up a tolerance for change, or improving an overall level.... it is thought that this does carry over to other times.  This is what I think, other people think it, too, I have no idea if it is something where there is some kind of proof.  

 

But if you think this, like I do, then there is no *reason* to make a difficult time become "this is the time to work on rigid behavior" just because there is rigid behavior at that time.  You can recognize it, think "yes that is rigid behavior," address it appropriately (I would say compassionately), and then wake up the next day and be ready to encourage flexible behavior.  Or think about re-visiting the stressful situation but in a way that is much less stressful for the child, so maybe there can be some baby steps towards being comfortable with the situation, if that is reasonable.  

 

There is a balance for me, though.  My son's personality is not that he is very sensitive.  He is not non-sensitive.  But I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings the way some kids need (which I think -- kids need to have their needs met).  I do a behavioral approach also that is very appropriate for my son.  I ignore some things where he is expressing "I am not getting my way right now."  But he can be in "I am not getting my way" mode and not have a meltdown, he can come out of that.  He is just very expressive in some ways.  But if I know my son is upset, or if I know he is having a hard time, then I do not act like he is just not getting his way.  It is not the same thing.  

 

My son is a twin, and honestly, it would be okay with him if it was always his turn to pick what to watch on tv, and what story to read.  So that is the kind of thing I am thinking of for "protest behavior."  But if he is in a difficult place and it will help him if he gets to watch a certain tv show or have a certain story read to him?  Then yeah, I do it.  

[PeterPan]

This site  http://www.practicalautismresources.com/forms-and-organizershas a bunch of useful things, including  https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=sites&srcid=cHJhY3RpY2FsYXV0aXNtcmVzb3VyY2VzLmNvbXx3d3d8Z3g6YzM1YWZiMTUzNzg2MzJl

 

If you look at the chart, it's for ABCs (antecedent, behavior, consequence).  I got confuse initially and thought a consequence was like punishment.  No, it's more just asking what you did in response.  So then you can look at the list and go ok, I had more options than I realized...  

 

If he's stuck, he's not learning.  There's really no benefit to staying stuck, therefore it's better to get out of it, figure out what the antecedent was, and change things.  Are you feeding him after gymnastics?  My ds doesn't necessarily *say* he's hungry when he is.  We bring a snack and have part of our routine that he eats it.  After the playdates, is he getting time in a break room or sensory space to recollect himself?  He may need that.  I set up one for my ds (finally!) this year, and we're finding it helpful.  He had to learn how to use those things, how to indicate he needs a break, how to choose that (rather than just having inappropriate behavior).  What I did with him is a play tent with a pile of textured pillows at the entrance and a bin of sensory things inside.  It's finally a good gig for him, and he retreats there now when he needs breaks.  We have a bunch of the kits from Christine Reeve on TPT, and one of them has tons of cards for break options and little things that say break.  We had to develop that physical, concrete idea of I can choose a break, kwim?  Like now we use her visual schedules kits, and then we have the break kit.  If we need a break, we choose break and choose an activity from the break page of options.  We're even starting to INSERT that in our plan for the day, so we PLAN on having a couple breaks for time in our tent, kwim?

 

 

                                                 I Can Stay Calm: Social Narratives and Visual Supports for Autism (SPECIAL ED)                                              used together with                                                  Autism Pre-K - Elementary Classroom Visual Bundle Solid Colors (special ed)                                            

[fdrinca]

Thank you for the great advice and directions toward more support resources.

 

We have a behavioral manager, but he has made it clear that he's not supportive of homeschooling. (I believe this is an issue of delivering support services, rather than quality of education or life. We are operating outside of his norm, and therefore we cause him more work.) When I've raised these types of questions before, the response has been terse, unclear, and pessimistic.

 

I'm reassured to see the general tone follows our parenting instincts, which is to work with him rather than against him. 

 

Truthfully, this gives the the extra incentive to push the older kids into avoiding fights when DS is particularly rigid. Their sense of "helping" isn't always so helpful :) 

[Kat w]

Ha-ha....fdeinca.

 

Hubby tells my son...its a big thing in our house. My 20 yo even says it....to us sometimes too! Lol

 

He says ' help must be helpful :)

 

Unhelpful help= work :)