mom31257 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I'm concerned about something that happened with my sister at our Christmas get together, and I am hoping it is not a preview of things to come. Let me give you a little background on it first. My mother is not doing well at all. She's diabetic and has an auto-immune disease. She's had several mini-strokes and two major strokes over the last year (know because of an MRI) which has affected her brain quite a bit. She also has small vessel disease in her brain, which is like hardening of the arteries. She's got vision problems and bladder problems as well. We met at said sister's house for our get-together. Mother was standing in the kitchen looking into another room far away trying to figure out what something was that she was seeing. My sister kept pressuring her for a description, and mother was struggling to do so. I tried to help her figure it out because I felt that my sister was being way too short with mother and rushing her too much. I got her to move closer to that room and figured out it was exercise equipment. I went back to my sister and told her I think she's going to have to give Mother more time to answer. My sister quickly told me (in a rude way) that she did nothing wrong and I better not correct her on it. I was basically in shock. I had to walk away. I know that my sister is frustrated with my mother, especially over her vision. Mother has not gone back to the eye doctor to see about it because I think she's just afraid and can't really make good decisions right now. I think my sister believes all of this is a result of her not taking care of herself, and it probably is. I don't think that is a reason for us to be short with her or not treat her with respect. She is our Mother and deserves it just for that reason. My fear is that it will be this way anytime I have an opinion different from hers concerning our parents. Daddy is doing well taking care of Mother now, but he may not always be able to do so. The thing is my sister should be the most understanding of brain problems. Her son has severe epilepsy and has huge developmental delays because of the brain damage. I want to do the Christian thing, and I think that will be first to honor my parents. I walked away because I know my sister would not say she was wrong. She rarely is. How can I deal with it and still be respectful of my parents first, but turn the other cheek when it comes to her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I would ignore the event and pretend it never happened. Sounds like some folks were too stressed out by the holidays. And really, really, really work on your mom to get the vision thing checked. My father had numerous vision problems due to diabetes. However, a good eye doctor was able to work wonders with his vision using laser this-and-that and some other cool techniques. Encourage her that they can really work wonders these days with eye issues for diabetics, but that she needs to get in there now before things get any worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I would try to have a very light touch here. My experience with aging, ill parents is that my sisters and I all brought different things to the table. One was very very compassionate and patient. One was less patient, but a good problems solver. One made us all think realistically about the likely course of events and pushed my parents to do some end of life planning. The other would never have done that, but was much more sensitive to immediate needs and mood. I was the daughter who lived in town, and as my Dad got worse, I often felt I understood his situation better because I was with him so much more than they were. But ultimately, right up through his death, each of us had a relationship with our Dad that was ours alone. My sisters didn't get to school me on how to relate to my Dad, and I didn't get to school them. That is not to say that I didn't learn things from them and get encouragement to be more patient, practical etc. But ultimately we all had a different way of being good with Dad and being less good. And it's ok. It doesn't sound like your sister is abusive or cruel - just less patient than you. On the other hand, she was hosting a family event that probably had her a bit stressed. I would be careful about timing, and mostly, I would stay out of her relationship with your Mom unless you have a naturally occurring, and welcomed by her chance to give your perspective. Work now to make your relationship with your sister stronger. If you prioritize that, it will be a blessing. And that is not to say that your relationship with her isn't already strong. But parent care obligations will stress that relationship, so you have to just be really mindful about protecting your relationship with your sister and any other siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I think she is worried and showing her care in a different way. Sometimes you need pushy people to force people to a doctor, to get them to understand it is really necessary. Maybe it is rough, but maybe it will save your mom's life. Being sensitive doesn't always get needed results. That is why different people are gifted with different personalities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I think your relationship with your mom needs to be separate from your sister's relationship with your mom. I would encourage you to make a date with your mom to go with her to the doctor/ eye doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 If she has the burden of watching her child suffer from severe epilespy, she knows all too well what burdens to look forward to with your mum. She probably also knows she can't do everything, and she has to cut corners somewhere. If she puts the necessary energy into patience, she won't have the reserves to do what needs to be done. If she feels she's almost at breaking point dealing with her son's issues and now has to push that feeling further away so she can fit your mum's issues in when she knows her mother could have chosen to avoid them, there's no wonder she's short with people and can't handle criticism. If her shortness bothers your mum, use your skills to smooth it away. That hardness in your sister might bother you, and in some ways it is a negative. On the other hand, it is also an asset because it allows her to cope with life. You wouldn't really want to wish away her most critical strength. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I'm concerned about something that happened with my sister at our Christmas get together, and I am hoping it is not a preview of things to come. Let me give you a little background on it first. My mother is not doing well at all. She's diabetic and has an auto-immune disease. She's had several mini-strokes and two major strokes over the last year (know because of an MRI) which has affected her brain quite a bit. She also has small vessel disease in her brain, which is like hardening of the arteries. She's got vision problems and bladder problems as well. We met at said sister's house for our get-together. Mother was standing in the kitchen looking into another room far away trying to figure out what something was that she was seeing. My sister kept pressuring her for a description, and mother was struggling to do so. I tried to help her figure it out because I felt that my sister was being way too short with mother and rushing her too much. I got her to move closer to that room and figured out it was exercise equipment. I went back to my sister and told her I think she's going to have to give Mother more time to answer. My sister quickly told me (in a rude way) that she did nothing wrong and I better not correct her on it. I was basically in shock. I had to walk away. I think you probalby should have stopped with the bolded. You feel that your sis will never admit that she was wrong, which implies that you are certain you were right. Consider the possibility that your sis feels equally that you were wrong and thus never should have said anything to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 There is a difference between someone who is sharp with you -- when you express a different opinion from hers... And someone who only gets sharp when you express an opinion -about- her. Let's hope your sister is the latter type, in which case you should be able to cope with that amount of biting your tonge quite easily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 Thanks to all the replies, and you've all definitely given me some good food for thought! My sister is really in a constant state of stress because she not only has my nephew, who is 24 hour care, but her husband has mental health issues with depression, anxiety, and OCD. too. I want to be understanding of that stress affecting her, but she is a person who is sharp as "bolt" said. She's sharp with different opinions, too, not just when it's about her. She's a difficult person to be around, even for my kids and husband. We are trying to get my Dad to see about her eyes, but other issues keep coming up that make them feel they can't live at the doctor. I live the farthest away (3 hours) and have the busiest life. I'm the middle of 3 girls. The oldest is disabled with a severe back problem (several years of chronic pain) and is having surgery in February. The sister who has the special needs child is the youngest. I love my sister and want to be able to get along in the coming years. I would rather walk away than fight with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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