How children fare when dad's always gone...

[Guest kacifl]

My dh lives in another city during the week and comes home Friday night and leaves Monday morning. My kids are dd14, ds12. They seem fine, but I continue to worry if they really are fine. I give up worrying about us as a couple. I'm concerned for the children.

 

We've been doing this for four years! DH doesn't want to sell the house and have us move over there. Now, with the housing crisis, he has a point.

 

Doing any of you have circumstances where your children see their dad weekends only? How are they doing? I need to feel good about this. My son use to cry at night. Now, he is use to it and never cries about it anymore.

 

I feel, truthfully, that we are sacrificing our children's development for his career. I'm not asking information for ammunition, I just need to read about how other children are doing in similar circumstances. When my husband is home, things seem fine. There is never any marital strife for my children to witness or endure. He does spend the majority of his time on his computer, but it is out in the open in our family room around the kids. K:bigear:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I only saw my mom and dad every three months. (I was at boarding school from age 11 on up.) My relationship with them suffered. BUT we did not have the technology that is available now. This was the time when long distance telephone calls still meant that it was an emergency (yes, I'm old!) I was forced to write letters home once a week on Saturday but as you can imagine the letters were not heartfelt esp. since I knew that they would be read by the powers-that-be before they were sent out.

 

Your kids have a huge advantage in having you, as a mom, with them. And I hope that your dh takes time to text, e-mail, call, twitter and whatever else might be available to communicate regularly with the kids.

 

During his weekends home does he do stuff with the kids? Just going to the hardware store with them, fixing the fence that needs repairing, going for a walk, shooting some hoops - not fancy stuff but stuff that helps build connections.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

My dh lives in another city during the week and comes home Friday night and leaves Monday morning. My kids are dd14, ds12. They seem fine, but I continue to worry if they really are fine. I give up worrying about us as a couple. I'm concerned for the children.

 

We've been doing this for four years! DH doesn't want to sell the house and have us move over there. Now, with the housing crisis, he has a point.

 

Doing any of you have circumstances where your children see their dad weekends only? How are they doing? I need to feel good about this. My son use to cry at night. Now, he is use to it and never cries about it anymore.

 

I feel, truthfully, that we are sacrificing our children's development for his career. I'm not asking information for ammunition, I just need to read about how other children are doing in similar circumstances. When my husband is home, things seem fine. There is never any marital strife for my children to witness or endure. He does spend the majority of his time on his computer, but it is out in the open in our family room around the kids. K:bigear:

 

Well, I can't speak to your specific situation, but I do know that studies show that if one parent is a stable constant during the separation, the children fare about as well as if both parents are there. They are equally secure, emotionally stable, developmentally ok, etc. This set my mind at ease over the years of military craziness that our family went through.

[KidsHappen]

We live the same life style and have on and off since my children were very small. I do know we have some specific issues. For instance, I have one dd that goes to PS. WHen dad is home, he drives her to school. I don;t do that so she loves it when dad is home just because he drives her to school. On the other hand, the kids are jealous of mom & dad time when dad is home because they are used to mom being available all the time. Plus, they try to get in as much dad time themselves as they can and well there is only so much time. So there are challanges but over all, it doesn't really seem to be an issue. They seem ok with is but I have never really specfically asked them. I think maybe I will do that. Maybe you could do that as well?

[Guest kacifl]

I just didn't want any thing to creep up later, because of this. My son, particularly, doesn't have any othe male influences. He has a great coach and assistant coach. He does adore his brothers-in-law (27, 24 yrs.) He just doesn't see them very often, either.

[Jenn in Mo]

We've spent the last year with very little dad-time. My husband was home, but not during the kids' waking hours. We saw him during weekends. This routine just ended for us on Friday. We celebrated its ending by going camping - away from everything, alone as a family.

 

Traumatic? No. But not a good fit. Because of the age of both children, I'd be especially anxious to get dh home. 14 year old girls seem to especially need affection and attention from dad. I've worked with youth for 10 years now and 14 always seems to be that 'hard' age for girls. Long term effects from lack of physical affection and attention from dad can be looking for male attention in a romantic way. The girls that I've known that had a strong male influence were much less likely to be promiscuous later. And at 12, boys are entering puberty and deciding what kind of man they are going to be. It sounds like you've made sure he has positive male role models though - that is awesome.

 

My husband grew up only seeing his dad on weekends (dad was a truck driver) and has said he doesn't want that for his kids. He hated it, which is why this last year's routine had to end for us. Our oldest is almost 12 and needs his dad. Not to say that only those 'hard' ages need dad! I've noticed throughout their childhood that all four of mine are much more clingy and needy when dh has been gone for a few days. There is more fighting and less respect. After just two days spent with dad, all of us are much closer and sensitive to each others' feelings.

 

Each family is different and sometimes we have to do what we have to do. And we do it the best we can. But if it is an option to be together as a family, I'd urge anyone to do so at nearly any cost....even moving into an RV and following him.

[Heather in Savannah]

My husband has often been away for weeks and even months at a time, due to the type of work he does. He has never been emotionally close to either of our teens, so they don't really miss him. Not to blow my own horn, but I frequently have people tell me that they think our kids are amazing....so that supports what a previous poster said regarding the stabalizing effect of just one emotionally close parent. So, I think you are doing a wonderful thing by providing that stable, loving environment for your children.....I don't place a lot of importance on a father being physically present. If he's not emotionally available, then he really isn't truly "present" in their world. My teens are saddest over the emotional distance they experience with their Dad, not the physical distance.

[Michelle T]

than kids in divorced families, who usually see their dads on the weekends. That was how it was for me as a child.

 

If your DH makes an effort to maintain a relationship with the kids on the weekends, I think it's fine. If he just sits there on the computer, more like a bump on a log than an actual parent, then he shouldn't be surprised if they don't really relate or know him as they grow older.

 

Michelle T

[KidsHappen]

I also wanted to add that it is not much different than military dc. My dad was 26 years in the Navy and frequently out to sea. My dh and exh were both in the military and frequently gone to sea or TDY. I was close to my dad and my dc are close to their dads. Many people have lives that require father or even mother to be away from home frequently or for long periods of time and they manage just fine. It may take more effort and awareness of parent/dc time but it can work.