Question about ds8's friend who's got a spectrum disorder...

[Aubrey]

I'm not sure if that's even the right way to phrase it, but it's very mild sensory stuff--most people wouldn't even notice it.

 

Anyway, the boy is also 8, but nearly a yr older than ds, & I'd say they're about as good of friends as 8yo's can be.

 

The other boy doesn't like to play board games. I don't know the specific reason, but I know there are visual therapy things going on that have effected his reading skills, etc., & I imagine board games couldn't be much fun for him at this point, which isn't really a big deal, but ds asked me about it.

 

So far, I've shrugged & said different people like different things. Ds doesn't know about any of the visual/sensory things, & I guess I figure it's probably best to leave that up to the boys to discuss or not discuss as they will.

 

My question is this--is there any reason I *should* tell ds about these issues? Would it be helpful to either of them for him to know? He's not the teasing type, & when the other boy was prescribed glasses, we talked about what kinds of things are ok & not ok to say, & it was never a problem. (Partly because the boy decided they were COOL. Yay!)

 

So wwyd? TIA!

[Twinmom]

As the mother of a daughter with sensory issues (esp. visual ones!), I'd not say anything to your son unless it becomes an issue he truly doesn't understand and it would affect the friendship. I think your answer is great for now!

 

I've told the parents of other kids to discuss my DD's issues with them when I've seen her throw a fit over something that another kid would not...and had her friend be very confused. I'd not want the other child to feel that my DD did not like them or something of the sort, so I've given the heads up to the other mom about it. This has worked out great so far. If you see that happening with your DS, I'd explain that his friend's eyes work differently than most children and that board games are frustrating for him. To be a good friend, DS can help his buddy by finding activities that they enjoy together...then suggest a few.

[abbeyej]

If your son hasn't noticed or said anything, it may be fine not to bring it up. On the other hand, there may come a time when something happens that's a little tougher to explain than with a simple, "Well, different kids like different things", etc...

 

We have several young friends with varying levels of spectrum-related diagnoses. The vast majority of the time, that's just not an issue at all. I try to teach my kids to be kind and patient, as I'm sure you do, and occasionally it comes up that different families have different rules or different ways of doing things...

 

But there have been a few times when it was helpful for my kids to understand that so-and-so's brain works a little differently, and maybe that makes X or Y more difficult and we need to understand that they need extra patience... Or I might need to explain why another child's behavior in some circumstance is okay (when it would be totally unacceptable if my children did the same thing), since whatever that circumstance was made the behavior beyond that child's control.

 

It sounds like, for now, your son may not need any further explanation. I would just be prepared with one in case it does come up. There may even be a time when he asks you if there's something "different" about his friend. I think it's possible to respond to that observation truthfully, and yet affirm the value of that friend...

[ClassicMom]

I too have a son on the spectrum and is mild. When you look at him, he seems perfectly normal, but sometimes, he does something that just isn't "right" and the kids his age will notice but don't understand why.

 

If this little guy just can't play the games (which is normal) I wouldn't say anything either. However, eventually, there may be a day when he could have a meltdown. He might be trying to avoid that by bypassing the games. Or, that might not be one of his "things", but generally, kids on the spectrum will have meltdowns or a particular movement for comfort or frustration at some point. It would be then that you might want to consider discussing this friend's "difference". You don't want him to be afraid of him or lose the friendship. My son does great holding these in while with others and just lets lose when he gets home...so it may not even happen while at your house.

[Aubrey]

I too have a son on the spectrum and is mild. When you look at him, he seems perfectly normal, but sometimes, he does something that just isn't "right" and the kids his age will notice but don't understand why.

 

If this little guy just can't play the games (which is normal) I wouldn't say anything either. However, eventually, there may be a day when he could have a meltdown. He might be trying to avoid that by bypassing the games. Or, that might not be one of his "things", but generally, kids on the spectrum will have meltdowns or a particular movement for comfort or frustration at some point. It would be then that you might want to consider discussing this friend's "difference". You don't want him to be afraid of him or lose the friendship. My son does great holding these in while with others and just lets lose when he gets home...so it may not even happen while at your house.

 

Yes, we've seen him have meltdowns, but they've never been in response to ds; they're usually a response to his own brothers. So ds watches sadly, tries to help, but...it seems like giving him a little time & space are the most helpful things.

 

Thanks for your responses. I tend to second-guess myself a lot, so this has been helpful.

[Holly IN]

My dd who is on the spectrum of autism can't play board games at all without having a meltdown. So we do not allow her to play games at other homes. We have her play with us in the safetly of our own home. Perhaps the parents do not allow him to play board games in other homes??

 

I agree with the others, if your son haven't said anything else then I would leave it alone. Perhaps talk to the boy's mom about this. She may want your son to know some of it. A friend of mine has a son who is also ASD, she lets her son tell others his issues if he wants to.

 

Holly

[fivetails]

As a Mum to a child with multiple disabilities, I've always encouraged open & honest talk about why our ds10 is the way he is, why he does the things he does, and the best ways to interact/play/communicate/etc with him. :)

 

(It's usually me who does the explaining to both parents and kids - and I always make a point of letting them know that we do NOT mind any questions! Parents, especially, often seem afraid to ask.. the kids, up to a certain age anyway, are less shy about it. Questions are good - they show a willingness to learn. :D )

 

Now, with that said, our ds has disabilities that are *extremely* evident - there's no way that any child (or adult) could not notice that there were many 'different' things about him --- so, that may change things a bit. I'm not sure how a family would feel if their child's disabilities weren't as evident as ours.. maybe they'd be reluctant to share beyond a certain amount, or whatnot.. I don't know.

 

Have you asked the Mum what she would like you to do, in terms of explaining your son's friend's disability? Maybe you could bring it up with her and see what she says..

[3lilreds in NC]

I think it's best not to say anything to your son, unless an issue arises that makes it necessary. We have some friends with different sensory issues, etc., and my kids play with them very well. Mine have not asked any questions, and there haven't been any major issues, so I leave well enough alone.

 

The times that we've talked about things were when, for example our friend on the spectrum who doesn't know how strong she is, would pinch really hard or something. Also, we have a couple of friends with DS so we talk about that, because those beautiful, sweet children can't always do things that normal children can.

 

You're such a good mom! :grouphug: