Halftime Hope Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 re. teens and Valentine's Day. Since my kids were littles, we've always celebrated Valentine's Day as a family. It wasn't a "romantic" holiday, but more of a Love-in-General holiday. The kids all got little goodies/trinkets (pencils, stickers, etc.) and/or small candy boxes, often the cute Snoopy ones with 4 or 5 assorted chocolates. We sent special treats to their aunt and they received goodies from their grandparents as well. Now that the youngest two are 16 and almost 14, they are in a funk (and were last year) that they don't have a *special someone* to hold dear on Valentine's Day, and they won't any time soon, because we've discussed a non-dating policy with them for this stage in their lives. The folks that they could date are "serial daters", literally moving from one relationship to another every few weeks or months; I'm not going there with my kids, at least not at this time. They are not amused that dh and I want to celebrate, and they are not ready to move out of the pity party into celebrating love/kindness/commitment/loyalty instead of romantic love. I have a week or so to help them process this and gently point them to a healthier place. Any thoughts, suggestions, empathy for them or for me? Help me understand and be a "great mom" in this situation, would you? Thanks so much!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Wow, good question. We've always done the school Valentine's party with our boys, until jr high and high school (no sweethearts for one of them, the other one went overboard in that area). Our good friend actually sent valentines to our dd in first grade (homeschool) so she could have some fun opening those little cards from the drugstore. Now, one has a very casual, "wanna see a movie?" girlfriend (he's 19), and the other doesn't have access to young ladies (in treatment). Valentines is just a fun day to wear red, eat some candy, have a cupcake, and be done with it. For dd8, it's a day to pass out some cards at school (her first year in school). For hubby and me, we give cards and he usually buys me flowers. They all see the love between a man and a woman, and know that one day they may have that privilege. No mooning about it not happening yet. I think Valentine's has been hyped up by the card industry and the whole romantic culture we have going in this country. I'd say just celebrate love in general and acknowledge their feelings of maybe being left out--but perhaps point out that those feelings may come from cultural expectations, not from those "best expectations" you have for them. It might be a good opportunity to talk about guarding their hearts, and how, to do so, brings even more enjoyment and happiness. It's part of growing up and realizing the benefits of delayed gratification. That's an excellent thing to teach, esp as we are immersed in such a "give it to me right now!" kind of society. I have to add that dd saw our calendar mark the day as ST. Valentine's Day--and she had never heard of the saint part! She knows, now...:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 We are not there yet, but remembering that age... I do recall volunteering at the senior center on Valentines and it made me feel good to be loving towards others. I would suggest reaching out to others in the community (or the humane society) and maybe make a homemade meal together, no candles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cedarmom Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I'm not sure what to say about Valentine's Day. I agree with you on the no dating thing. But it sounds like your kids don't. Maybe you need to discuss it more with them. Why do they want a special someone? Or is it that? Maybe they would be happy if you had some friends (maybe include both guys and gals) over for pizza and movies or games. You said some of their friends are serial daters. What do your kids think of this? Do they see any of the problems with it? Do they know why it bothers you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
74Heaven Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 with no valentines tie-in really - but just a get-together oppty. Call it a Game Night or Red Party (wear red) and invite everyone to come and everyone bring a snack. Either you provide the games or have everyone bring their favorite games. Set up a few game tables; put pretzels and pop out! There will be some heart-shaped snacks for sure so the kids will feel the "Valentines Day" holiday vibe a little, but the emphasis will be on just having a fun gathering. This will fill the "void" your teens may be feeling if they are complaining about being social outcasts (read: non-dating kids in a world of daters), the "romance" emphasis is pretty understated. As a parent, we try to do this often, both organized and spur-of-the-moment and I am a great low-key party thrower because my goal is to be a place where my teens are (at home) with their friends (rather than my teens being elsewhere) - and my goal is not to be the great party thower/perfect themed hostess. Our other emphasis for our teens is good supervision so plan on playing some of the games with the kids if more "mom/dad supervision" is needed or just float the edges if not. And btw, we have had the same Vday parties as you -at home, just the family! Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 We are doing this with a group of high schoolers. They will be dressing up (Victorian theme per the girls) and having games, snacks, etc. Parents are invited. This group of kids are good friends and there is no pairing off - they just like to be together. The boys treat the girls well and the girls are very appreciative. As a mom of all boys, I find these events "civilizing" for the boys. Lots of fun! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Wisc Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Dating is something we do when we are mature enough to consider marriage. The things kids in our culture do before they are ready for a serious relationship is just a game of "let's pretend" or a child's game that is similar to a 2yo wearing dad's big shoes. And, in reality, the people we truly love are the people we are serious about caring for the rest of our lives--our parents, grandparents, siblings, children, and spouses...family and close friends (and those we think have a chance at being a spouse and, thus, we are dating). FWIW, Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 Dating is something we do when we are mature enough to consider marriage. The things kids in our culture do before they are ready for a serious relationship is just a game of "let's pretend" or a child's game that is similar to a 2yo wearing dad's big shoes. And, in reality, the people we truly love are the people we are serious about caring for the rest of our lives--our parents, grandparents, siblings, children, and spouses...family and close friends (and those we think have a chance at being a spouse and, thus, we are dating). FWIW, Jean We've talked this through many times, but, when it "crunches" and there is a feeling of deprivation, it really does come down to, like the other poster said, maturity = deferred gratification. I know they know this is right for us and them, but it still smarts on occasion. They see the fallout, but it's hard not to want the thrill of being someone's special squeeze. 14 and 16 is still very young, and they both exhibit great maturity in most areas, so I'm hoping to gently walk beside them and encourage them through this. Please, keep the ideas and feedback coming...it really helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I think this is a hard age. While they probably do understand your position on dating and probably even agree with it, it is still difficult to *not* have a special someone when many of the others their age do. I've seen it in one of my sons. He simply needed a name and personality to put forth in conversation in order to feel like he belonged (in a certain group). There are a lot of social perks for those who have a special someone. And when Valentine's Day looms, they may feel completely left out of the social scene. The Valentine's Day hype is just another hurdle for them to overcome. My son really didn't want to date or have a relationship, he simply wanted to belong. When he matured a bit, he realized he really didn't need it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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