So...marriage/family therapy/counseling...what to expect?

[katalaska]

I met with what I was told was a marriage and family counselor yesterday. Turns out he's actually a "community counselor."

 

The meeting was "okay."

 

I'm wondering if my expectations were way off... I learned a "new way" of looking at relationships (we transact in the commodities of love, attention, and affection through means of manipulation, barter, or love for the sake of love).

 

However, that doesn't help with the crises at hand (i.e. dh possibly moving out and all sorts of relationship mismatch as well as "minor" verbal abuse of the oldest child). I feel we are at a critical point and need help/intervention now.

 

I'm thinking maybe I should "shop around" a bit and talk to another counselor. I have a short list from our church of recommended people (the man I saw yesterday was one of them).

 

How can I find someone "good" who will meet my needs (which I can't even articulate)? I felt this guy yesterday was not a whole lot more helpful than talking to just about anyone else... I mean, he listened but told me I didn't need any validation.

 

I'm very confused and I was up at midnight, 2:15, 4am, 5am, and finally up for the day. This after being up at 2:30 the night before and not being able to sleep for a couple of hours after that. So I'm exhausted, somewhat incoherent, and homeschool is falling by the wayside...probably necessary as the family must be helped but a stressor nonetheless.

 

If you'd rather PM me than post on the board, my mailbox is about half-empty. :)

[G5052]

Ask around locally if you are comfortable. Sometimes medical professionals can make suggestions too. There are so many styles and personalities.

 

I'm one that wants a plan of action and clear suggestions even if they're something I'm initially resistent to. A year ago I was seeing one (actually a PhD psychologist) on stress and trauma issues, and she truly turned me around in just five sessions. She always gave me assignments to work on between sessions, and she predicted a number of scenarios that have since worked out exactly as she said. She truly was a voice of reason and help, and I wouldn't hestitate to refer others to her or go back to her.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

Therapy takes time. Usually the first question I would ask clients was "what brings you to therapy?" and the second one was "why NOW?" The reason is, that usually people don't go to therapy until they absolutely cannot stand their circumstances any longer and are looking for something to change immediately. The trick is, to get to a place where you are making small but important changes quickly, so that it becomes bearable to do the work that it takes to get the rest of the way- to have patience with the process.

 

Lots of therapies can work, but from personal experience, I would say that Imago therapy is really wonderful. You can find out how, by trying to meet your own psychological needs, you are really damaging your partner in his efforts to meet his, and vice versa. It helps to reverse some of those old patterns, and come to a place of compassion for your spouse. My husband and I went to an Imago therapist many moons ago, and have never forgotten the experience. We still use some of the things we learn, and have built upon that foundation. It took about 6 mos. before we were able to leave therapy. Although we still had a lot of work to do, we were ready to leave therapy at the time.

 

I hope that the two of you can find your way through this together.

[KristenS]

Are there any Christian counseling centers in your area? They might be small and not well advertised. I see a counselor for anxiety issues, but he and his colleagues do a lot of marriage and family counseling. (I've seen a variety of folks over the past few years, and some of them really aren't very good at it. And some are great. It does take some looking.)

 

In the interim, maybe you can read some books or something. I was finally convinced to read the book Boundaries, which I hadn't read because I didn't think it would apply to me, and it turned out to be great. No matter which way things work out for you and your dh, appropriate boundaries are going to be essential.

 

The Five Love Languages can also be a good read.

 

Was your appointment a joint one or just you by yourself? Which kind are you looking for?

 

My counselor tends to function like a coach. Sometimes he just does a lot of sitting and listening, because sometimes I just need to talk, but most weeks we're planning out how I'm going to cope with certain things. Other weeks he has me practice coping strategies (like deep breathing) which help with anxiety. And he asks a lot of questions, and tries to help figure out where my thinking/expectations go wrong. (Which may not be the sort of stuff you do in marital counseling, but anyway.) A good counselor will both listen and coach.

 

Hugs to you. I hope you find the help and support you need.

[Sue G in PA]

I think that you can tell a lot from your first visit and first impression. If you didn't feel that this counselor was helpful or that you "clicked"...your gut might be telling you that you need to "shop" around. My first visit w/ my counselor was horrible...only b/c I was dragged there pretty much against my will. BUT, that being said, I could automatically tell that she was someone w/ whom I could feel comfortable, be able to open up to and that she knew her stuff (more than just a "good friend" to chat with once a week, KWIM?). Is this guy a Christian counselor? That could be important. It isn't wrong to shop around until you feel comfortable w/ someone. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

[Alana in Canada]

I had a counselor once with whom I didn't "click." In the condition I was in, I thought it was my fault. I stayed (and paid) for that counselor for 2 years--every time I tried to break away he convinced me to stay. Eventually I read some books and realised HE had problems!

 

Go for another session. Ask him/her what you can expect him/her to do for you, your family and your marriage. Get answers. Then trust your gut.

[Jill- OK]

I'm one that wants a plan of action and clear suggestions even if they're something I'm initially resistent to.

 

I've been in individual therapy (for depression-related and OCD issues), and now I'm in marriage therapy, with my husband. The individual counselor, I quit going to because our approaches just weren't meshing. (She'd spent years as a military counselor, given directions to 'fix' people on a time table, and willingly admitted that she now swung the other way. It ended up to be too much the other way for my comfort; I can sit at home and ask myself, "Well, what do YOU think about that?"..."What do YOU think you should do?")

 

The marriage counselor...I'm still not sure. We're working on relationship building, etc...and I'm concerned that the reason, the crisis, that brought us to therapy isn't going to be addressed, and if it isn't...I'm not sure that all the relationship building in the world is going to make any difference.

 

(In fact, Gail has given me the exact verbage I think I'm going to use on our next visit; What's the Plan of Action?)

 

I guess I'm saying...give it a chance, but don't hesitate to shop around if you don't feel that it's going to go anywhere, or if there are serious concerns.

[Carol in Cal.]

Is your DH the type to set and follow plans of action? Some people are, and some are not.

 

So, for instance, I am a Plan of Action kind of person. Once I give my word, I keep it. If I commit to something I do it. My integrity is on the line.

 

DH, OTOH, isn't like that.

 

I'm not really sure what to call what he is instead. Maybe kind of amiable, if you follow the 4 personality types theory. He hates to apologize, and if he does, it's not because he thinks he is wrong. It's because he thinks that just saying the words will make the other person happy, or maybe just finish the conversation. Same with Plans of Action.

 

So we can discuss things, and he will offhandedly say that he will do something, and I will figure that that is a commitment.

 

Only it isn't.

 

We have been pretty much happily married for over 20 years now, and I STILL don't entirely know how to deal with this. I would say that he has come up a bit on the doing what he says scale, and I have come down a lot on my belief in talking things over and making a plan; but this is always going to be a problem for us.

 

My point is that, if you're in marriage counselling and looking for a Plan of Action, having one in place may or may not translate into actual actions rather than theoretically planned ones. So think that through before you go, or you might end up worse off than before.

[Harriet Vane]

Some random thoughts:

 

No matter what philosophical approach therapists take, I tend to divide them into two categories: those who listen well (empathizers) and those who diagnose problems and prescribe changes. I personally do much better with the latter.

 

A skilled counselor helps the client see the truth of a situation, whatever that is. Often once the truth is on the table, the client may know what to do or how to change, but often not. At that point, a skilled counselor can prescribe behaviors or changes and then coach the client through doing that.

 

The best therapist I have ever had was able to listen to my rambling and repeat it back to me in an organized form, identifying the main point, identifying the central problem. Then she was able to tell me specific things to practice or work on that week. Sometimes it would take the form of journaling or praying, other times it was an assignment to respond to a specific situation with certain words or different actions.

 

It does take a few sessions to build rapport and get to know each other.

 

Look for an "aha" moment wherein you feel as though the therapist really understands you, understands the issue.

 

Then, look for how the therapist coaches you to respond to the problem or to the truth you have discovered.

 

If you cannot find these two components in your conversations you might be better served with another therapist. If you do find these components but are uncomfortable with that person, give it another session or two.

 

Finding a good fit can be tricky, and we often feel a lot of pressure because of the money involved. I hate that aspect of it.

 

I will pray, right now and tonight, that God leads you to the right person and God makes His guidance in this difficult journey clear.

 

:grouphug:

[lovemywhirlygirls]

I think that it is absolutely vital that you are matched with a counselor that you feel good about. Worth the time and money to try several people and see if someone "fits". I will pray that you'll know when you find that person.

[mamato3 all-boy boys]

I'm thinking maybe I should "shop around" a bit and talk to another counselor. I have a short list from our church of recommended people (the man I saw yesterday was one of them).

 

How can I find someone "good" who will meet my needs (which I can't even articulate)? I felt this guy yesterday was not a whole lot more helpful than talking to just about anyone else... I mean, he listened but told me I didn't need any validation.

 

 

I don't think shopping around is a bad idea.

 

I sought out counseling with my parents eons ago, and we shopped around. They ended up not coming to sessions with me, but I found a female therapist that I liked. The first two just didn't make me feel comfortable -- probably a combination of the ambiance of the office and first impressions. Anyway, I saw this counselor for a while -- several months.

 

My husband and I sought marital counseling a few years ago, and I called Focus on the Family's counseling center for recommendations. Or maybe I got their list of counselors off the 'net. I can't remember. But, I wasn't willing to seek out advice from people that I knew at the time, so this was the next best thing.

 

Hope you can find someone who will help you and yours.

[Jill- OK]

My point is that, if you're in marriage counselling and looking for a Plan of Action, having one in place may or may not translate into actual actions rather than theoretically planned ones. So think that through before you go, or you might end up worse off than before.

 

..if you were addressing *my* post (apologies if it was a general statement, or directed at the OP's post)...then I'd have to say that I wouldn't be going to counseling if there wasn't a significant need. I'm not normally a counseling kinda gal, and after years of trying to 'fix' other issues...I gave up and said that it would have to be his idea. And it was. It would have been useless, otherwise.

 

But the OP's situation and others might be different. For me...we wouldn't be there or addressing anything if it wasn't necessary, now, to have intervention. And I can't see intervention going anywhere without a plan.

 

(Dh agrees, too, btw...maybe more from a practical perspective; this lady isn't on our insurance, and we'll be paying the entire bill, eventually. Better to figure out right off the bat if there's a direction in mind, than find out weeks--and several hundred dollars--later that we're not on the same page, lol. I know most folks don't want to look at the financial aspect of it, but for us, it's a real consideration. We're not in a position to throw money at a situation unless it's going to really help, KWIM?)

[Jill- OK]

...leads me to believe that might be good advice for her, as well.

 

She mentions some abusive behavior, and while that isn't the same catalyst we had for getting counseling, it was a particular behavior that was waaaay out of the norm of "having a few problems" that got dh in the mindset of seeking help.

 

I think that when the situation is beyond the regular "let's get someone else's opinion on what's going on with us", it might warrant more of a focused plan, KWIM?

 

I could see a troubled marriage benefitting from sessions that simply explore what's going on, and don't have ultimatum-sounding dictates...but when one person has really crossed a line, I think that having a direction for putting that under the microscope is warranted, somewhat.

 

In other words, yes, our relationship is troubled, and the answer for that is some marriage-strengthening that looks at how the bad dynamic started and gets perpetrated, and explores how both sides can be more fulfilled...but the unacceptable behavior, whatever it is and whoever is doing it...has to stop, and the person who is being injured by it needs some assurance that this is going somewhere, and moving towards the behavior ending, or all of the rest of it is sorta useless.

 

Am I making sense, or am I rambling, lol?

[Carol in Cal.]

It's just that plans of action don't always actually result in action. But I don't know of a better alternative than to try and get one in place and see what happens.