I need help regarding my son and thinking

[Deanna in TN]

My son will be 13 in March, and he seems to resist and give up on things that require effort and thinking. An example of this is when he is working on Algebra. I have told him to go back through the chapter and re-read the section that he is having trouble with and look at the examples and figure it out on his own. He would rather call me and have me tell him how to do it. Another example of this is when he is working on a Computer project. I thought that kids were supposed to be naturally good with computers and want to dig and figure it out. He basically wants to do the minimum required in most areas of his life. As I am writing this, I can see that it is a character flaw - laziness and contentment with mediocrity. If any of you have dealt with this successfully, I would love to hear what you have done.

 

Thanks,

 

Deanna

[Chris in VA]

It could be that he learns best using a different modality. You are having him just read the algebra and "figure it out," but that may not be the best approach. He may need you to show him another way, or explain it using different words and examples, or work it out using manipulatives (yes, even algebra can be demonstrated, most of the time). As far as computers, well, there's nothing that says kids are all computer whizzes. Many learn about them fast, but some don't. Some just aren't interested. And, come to think of it, lots of the "digging" that you may have him do requires, again, using a visual modality.

I guess the biggest thing is that, at 13, he still needs you to be his teacher. That's normal, not lazy.

[JennW in SoCal]

Your first sentence explains it all. He is 13, and like thousands of other homeschool males his age, has hit the age of losing higher brain function. It is a stage, not a character flaw, and you are not alone in tearing your hair out over it.

 

Go hit the high school board for the current thread "what would you do differently with 7th/8th Grade" http://67.202.21.157/forums/showthread.php?t=76668

 

and the slightly older thread started by Nan in Mass addressed to moms of 8th graders http://67.202.21.157/forums/showthread.php?t=68058&highlight=13

 

Perhaps the experience of us who have lived through this will help you cope with your situation and give you some ideas.

[Tabrett]

As a adult who has taken college algebra, I would have never have passes if I were expected to read a chapter and figure it out on my own. Algebra needs to be taught. Your son is not being lazy. He needs you to teach him. If you can't please get an algebra that have DVD instructors like teaching text books, ect... 12 is young for algebra most kids take algebra at 14. To expect him to teach himself from reading an algebra text is really, really expecting a lot.

Edited January 24, 2009 by Tabrett

[Deanna in TN]

It appears I have left out something important. I teach him the lesson, and we go over examples. I do not expect him to learn the material on his own. I do not mind at all helping him with something that he just doesn't understand. The problem is that he won't try first before calling me. This lack of applying himself to the best of his ability can be seen in most areas - his schoolwork, his chores, outside activities. He doesn't have a desire to excel. I need ways to encourage that desire and ideas for consequences when he fails to give me his best.

[Sunshine State Sue]

Sigh! I am probably no help, but at least I can relate.

 

I see very similar behavior in my 13yo son and always have. I call him (to myself) bright, but lazy. He is not self-motivated at all. If I can't answer a question for him right away, he loses interest in the answer. He loves sports and is a natural athlete, but would rather be the star of the rec league than work hard to be better than average on a competitive team. If he is not interested in working hard in an area he loves and is gifted in, is there any hope for him working hard in any other area? Don't let me get started on chores and hygiene.

 

I flip flop between thinking it's a character flaw and thinking that it's just a character trait. Not every one is a go-getter. I am very self-disciplined, but ds is not so different from dh. I think my job is to prepare ds to meet his potential should he ever desire to reach for it.

 

One way to point this out to your child is to show that they reap what they sow. My ds can't be bothered to brush his teeth, put his clothes in the laundry basket, wash when he's in the bath, etc. A year ago, I stopped giving him his allowance. He has to ask me for it, and I give it willingly, but he forgets a lot. The same lackadaisical attitude about school/chores hurts him when it comes to getting his allowance. This idea came from the book Boundaries with Kids.

 

Boundaries with Kids: The chapters on sowing and reaping, responsibility, and respect were invaluable to me. I actually have been able to get ds to do "morning chores" within an hour of rising. The consequence was losing an hour of screen time. Several weeks of consequences moved him enormously to do those simple things. But, it's too much of a battle for me when it's all day sloth. (okay, maybe an exaggeration)

 

Finally, as Jenn said, I've lurked on the hs board long enough to hope that this may change as he grows. I sure hope so.

[Carol in Cal.]

One of the things I do is wait until I KNOW that DD has engaged with the question before I will help her with it. It is difficult to explain how I know, but I really can tell. It doesn't mean that she has figured it out, but it does mean that she is not just giving up without an effort.

 

And she knows how stubborn I am about this, so her attempts to avoid it are short and with a foregone conclusion mentality. I wish she wouldn't even try, but she does.

 

I find that this comes up mostly when she is working on grammar, math, or on revising a report on a difficult topic. These tend to be times when she is struggling with the material a bit, so when I or the book adds to her struggle by expecting some corrected output, she goes into an overwhelmed state. I find that if I persevere and make her really engage with the material, it is easier to help her with it and she is more likely to retain it down the road. Also, she takes a very secret sense of satisfaction with her when she finally learns something hard.

 

As she put it, "Well, Mom, deep, deep, DEEP inside, very deep, did I mention that it's EXTREMELY DEEP?, I do know that I have to learn this stuff, and I, uh, well, it's extremely deep, remember? do WANT to learn this. Because I have to, you know." (I thought that that was quite an admission.)

[KristineinKS]

My son is only 11 (6th grade), but we are having the very same problem, so I feel your pain. I don't have any real answers for you, but look forward to reading the responses here (thank you Sue for the book recommendation!). Currently, I'm having to sit with my son while he does ALL his work, often re-explaining over & over & OVER, or he just won't do it. And forget about chores or showers or anything else, he never does them when he's supposed to. Computers are the ONLY thing that motivate him & he'd spend all day on all night on the computer if I'd let him. It's very frustrating!

Edited January 24, 2009 by KristineinKS

[Michelle T]

My son will be 13 in March, and he seems to resist and give up on things that require effort and thinking. An example of this is when he is working on Algebra. I have told him to go back through the chapter and re-read the section that he is having trouble with and look at the examples and figure it out on his own. He would rather call me and have me tell him how to do it.

 

My dude will be 13 in June. He resists anything that requires actual, hard thought, and is intellectually "lazy", for lack of a better description. I consider there to be several causes:

 

his age

his personality/temperment

in my DS's case, severe ADHD/LD's

 

While I find his mindset to be maddening, I know it can only change to a certain extent. Some people just aren't deep thinkers, KWIM? My guy is the class clown, the life of the party, the bull in the china shop kind of person. He's not likely to change, and this is exactly how my DH is as well.

 

Anyway, I struggle with this too, and wish I had some great advice, but I don't. It does make me feel a bit better to see that many others here are in the same boat, so it's not just my situation.

Michelle T

[Sunshine State Sue]

This lack of applying himself to the best of his ability can be seen in most areas - his schoolwork, his chores, outside activities. He doesn't have a desire to excel. I need ways to encourage that desire and ideas for consequences when he fails to give me his best.

There is a section in Boundaries with Kids (pg. 123) on the stages of motive development: (1) Fear of consequences (2) Immature conscience (3) Values and ethics and (4) Mature love, mature guilt. Each are expounded upon.

 

Second, I think it was in the book Teen Proofing that I learned that there are 3 things that contribute to the making of a child:

1. innate personality

2. parenting

3. extended family and peers

 

I only have control over and can change #2. This helped me get some perspective.

 

Finally, in response to the lazy attitude in general, this was one of the most eye-opening part of the book for me. I copied this from an older thread:

From Boundaries with Kids (page 58):

"Parents run into a big problem when they do not distinguish between psychological and negative relational consequences versus reality consequences. Life works on reality consequences. Psychological and negative relational consequences, such as getting angry, sending guilt messages, nagging, and withdrawing love, usually do not motivate people to change. If they do, the change is short-lived, directed only at getting the person to lighten up on the psychological pressure. True change usually comes only when someone's behavior causes him to encounter reality consequences like pain or losses of time, money, possessions, things he enjoys, and people he values."

 

My ds is not what I would call a naturally responsible child. He has a list of 12 "morning chores" to do posted on his bedroom door. Things like put the dirty clothes in the clothes basket, open your blinds, pick up the trash. It takes him less than 5 minutes to do these things. You would think that he would know to do these things since he's been told 500 million times! But, no. I finally decided that I would give him one hour from awakening to get it done. If it didn't get done, he would lose an hour of screen time (TV, video, computer) at my convenience. This is precious to him. Then, I enforced it amongst whining, complaining, stomping. But, 1-2 months later, he does it almost perfectly and rarely needs to be reminded.

 

For the first time this year, I have left my son (12yo) home alone with directions to complete some schoolwork. He knows that if he does not complete it, he will lose the privilege of staying home alone to do it and will instead bring himself and his schoolwork with me. He has never failed me yet.