katalaska Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Dh and I have been in a "rough spot" for about 2 years. I am considering seeking counseling by myself. Is this a bad idea (i.e. should I not go unless/until he will go too)? I'm open to a PM if you'd rather answer my question that way... TIA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Dh and I have been in a "rough spot" for about 2 years. I am considering seeking counseling by myself. Is this a bad idea (i.e. should I not go unless/until he will go too)? I'm open to a PM if you'd rather answer my question that way... TIA I don't think going by yourself is a bad thing. I imagine it's more important that you select a counselor whose advice you believe to be sound because of their principles/general outlook, etc. As a woman, I think I would seek a woman counselor but that is probably more of a personal preference issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 No. It is a great idea. I mean, at some point, it would be helpful for your dh to come, if he will. However, I went to counseling for a long time just for the issues and problems *I* was bringing to our marriage. It helped me so much. And honestly, once I started working on *my* issues, the marital issues changed a lot. I don't think they were necessarily my fault all the time and that I was the only one who needed to change...I am just saying that it totally changed the way I responded to dh and it helped me to open up lines of communication with dh rather than fighting all the time. Our marriage is 99.999% better since the counseling 3 years ago. :) I must add, though, that dh had the desire to work on our marriage as much as I did and he was a committed partner. He attended counseling on a regular basis when he possibly could and really worked hard with me once he started to see the changes I was making in myself. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 One thing that is invaluable is to have your own head on straight! If you are agonizing over issues or confused or hurt... well, rough spots are hard on marriages any time, but if you carry hurt or confusion, you can't think through things very well... I believe women need to take care of themselves mentally and spiritually. It's great to be able to share that with a dh, but if it isn't in the works, you've got to have it for yourself. No other person can give you self respect. No other person but you can make daily choices to have healthy boundaries and correct thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 You should definitely go to counseling yourself, regardless of whether dh joins you. It may help your marriage, or it may not, but it will help you live your life fully, without baggage and hurts and manipulative behaviors and craziness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I actually sought a MALE therapist when I was having marital problems. He was a Christian male counselor and he really helped me to start to see things from my dh's perspective. I have girlfriends to make me feel good in my thoughts...but the male counselor really helped me understand my dh and his way of thinking when it came to our marriage. I found that a lot of the things I felt were negative were NOT...my dh is just different. Here was a big one for us. Making Tea was something he really wanted to do no matter what the situation (arguing, kids to cart here and there, etc). I took it as a male macho thing and found it heartless and horrible. However, in therapy, I came to realize that just as I need words of encouragement, a soft place to fall, and romance in our lives, he needs Tea. For me, the other things are "bonding" but to him, there is no bond better than Tea...and I notice a change in his demeanor toward me immediately when we have tea on a regular basis. Kind of like the physical to him is the same as the emotional to me. It made a big difference for us. Just one example of how having a male therapist helped me think differently about my husband's thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Dh and I have been in a "rough spot" for about 2 years. I am considering seeking counseling by myself. Is this a bad idea (i.e. should I not go unless/until he will go too)? I'm open to a PM if you'd rather answer my question that way... TIA Goodness, no, it's not a bad idea. It's a wonderful idea. Self-knowledge is a good, good thing in a relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 agreeing w/ everyone else. GO! :) and good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trivium Academy Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Yes, counseling by yourself is a good idea. I think you need to commit to being 100% open and honest though for it to be worth your time. There are some issues that need individual counseling and if nothing else, you will feel like you're DOING something with a healthy outside approach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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