HappyGrace Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Dd just turned 9-no physical changes yet but definite hormonal issues. She is a very good kid, and this is so new. How do you support the child, but let them know that the behavior is not acceptable? Do you walk away from it, do you just grab her and hug her, or what? I really want to know how to best help her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katalaska Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 If *I* am getting all wound up by dd's hormonal outburst, then I have to walk away. Temporarily. If dd is screaming/yelling/having a full-blown tantrum and I don't have to walk away, I find myself repeating myself, repeatedly. :tongue_smilie: What I am repeating depends upon the situation. Yesterday it was something like, "It takes two people to fight, so both of you are Webkinz-grounded tomorrow." I now have two hormonal dd's...11yo and 9yo...and so I often have two of them going off at once. If I can just stay calm and keep repeating my (completely logical) explanation of the consequences of her/their behavior, eventually it seems to sink in. If a dd is just having one of those sobby, "I don't know why I'm crying," moments, usually a hug and a reassuring discussion about how her body is changing and sometimes she will just feel sad for no apparent reason but it's normal and happens to lots of girls, that seems to help. Frankly, I think the being held and "babied" a little bit helps more than my words. I explain it to them this way: "You are in that between stage where you are not a little girl anymore but you're not grown up either...so it can be confusing...sometimes you want to be little and sometimes you want to be all grown up...sometimes it makes you sad." Or something to that effect. These are the two things that come to mind. You would think since I have two in this stage I could come up with lots of concrete examples for you but this is the best I can do right now. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 What I've learned: First, never try to have one of those discussions w/ dd when she is in the midst of a hormonal tantrum/meltdown. Not a good time. I've learned to send her to her room for a "time out" and chance to cool down. Music soothes my dd. She'll often start singing about anything and everything to try and calm down. Whatever works. After she is calm...then we chat about the body changes, hormonal changes, mood swings, crying fits for no reason, etc. We discuss how that is normal and we also discuss what is appropriate ways to "vent". Hit a pillow if you are angry. Scream into your pillow, run around the house, jump on the trampoline, throw a ball outside, shoot some hoops, hit a punching bag, etc. Do something physical to release the energy. But, do not hurt others. No name calling (she often will start calling me names or saying she hates me), no physically hurting somebody else, no self-bashing (I hate myself, I'm stupid, I'm worthless, etc.). So, I've learned to let her cool down and then discuss. If she is hurting others while having her meltdown, sometimes I have to physically remove her or even raise my voice to get her attention. I'm still working on it b/c I have a tough time dealing w/ her meltdowns. She gets out of control at times and I just get frustrated. But...it's a process. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 In addition to the excellent suggestions already posted, I would say, be sure that your dd is exercising hard every day. This really helps tame those hormones! This is a good time for your dd to take up running, biking, hiking, swimming, etc. This is also a good idea for you, too!! :) I found that my dds' adolescence was a growing experience for ME as much as for them!! :glare: I learned so much about biting my tongue and NOT needing to have the last word!!! Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 already-very wise!!! I did talk to her about hormones and how they can affect-next I will talk to her about strategies and ground rules, like Sue mentioned. I also like Kat's idea of explaining about the babying. And I never thought of exercise!! LOTS of good ideas here so far-thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiegirl Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 We have been starting with the meltdowns this year with my 9 yr. old as well. Some times I am so overwhelmed with her emotions that I just send her to her room. Then we talk afterwards about how she could have handled the situation better. I can't talk to her specifically about hormonal changes because she is very adamant that she does not want to grow older so talking to her about how her body is changing just sends her into another meltdown :lol: If I am calm and in a good place emotionally when the meltdown occurs, I just hug her until it is over. That seems to help the best but not always can I do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetTN Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 :grouphug:Our dd 9 sounds just like yours! No physical changes yet, but the hormonal changes are driving me crazy. Not dd so much as dh reaction. Poor guy, he just doesn't understand females! Fortunately, dd has always been very easy to talk to. I just give her space and time to get control and then talk gently and let her know I understand what she is going through. She usually goes to her room on her own to calm down, which is a big help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country Mouse Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 My first thought was - get her a diary. When I was a pre-teen, my diary was a great outlet for all those extreme thoughts and feelings. I could let it all out and not hurt anyone's feelings :001_smile:. Best of luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I have been talking about hormones to her for a long time and explaining how she will feel so that when it hits she understands that it is normal. And, when I can tell that she is on the edge I just give her a huge hug. I tell her that "this" is the feeling I tried to explain. Isn't it hard to control? This is natural. But, it is never a license for bad behavior. Part of your job as a woman is to learn to control these strong emotions. etc.....My dd is 11 and doesn't get mood swings very often, but every once in a while I see those hormones real their ugly head! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 One of my girls has strong hormonal mood swings. We have developed a variety of techniques, since not all of them work every time. 1. Music 2. Write down the worst things that are bothering you. Sometimes this makes you feel as if you are doing something about them, and then later you can look at the list and see it they really were that big a deal or not. :001_smile: 3. Go outside and focus your eyes on the furthest thing you can see. This really helps if she has been reading or working on the computer too much. 4. Drink some water, walk the dog or sit outside in the sun. On the advice of her pediatrician we started giving her B-complex vitamins (helps stabilize moods) and a nibble of protein before bed (night time is her hardest time). Pediatrician also recommended yoga classes. I also just hug her and tell her she is not alone. Do not try to give her advice while she is already unhappy, set up these responses when everything is calm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 So helpful! I keep trying to remember what it felt like to be that age, and it is hard. I know what hormones feel like NOW though so I just want to help her deal with it effectively! I guess I'm still just amazed this is starting so early. I didn't even get my period til I was 15 1/2!! Some GREAT ideas here-thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 So helpful! I keep trying to remember what it felt like to be that age, and it is hard. I know what hormones feel like NOW though so I just want to help her deal with it effectively! I guess I'm still just amazed this is starting so early. I didn't even get my period til I was 15 1/2!! Some GREAT ideas here-thank you! When I was going through this I can distinctly remember thinking, "I will remember what this is like when I am an adult, and I will do a better job handling it with my daughter than my mom is doing!" My mom was 40 when I was born, so she was pretty much going through menopause when I was going through puberty. This. was. not. pretty. Well, I didn't get a girl, I got a boy. And you know what? I CANNOT remember what it was like. I truly cannot. I wish I could. And, it isn't only the girls who have the hormone issues. I view it as an opportunity to practice grace. This thread has been very helpful to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 When she's upset (crying & distraught -- never had a tantrum) trying to discuss it goes nowhere. Hugs work wonders; after she gets calm, we discuss the issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christy B Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Oh, I have a method for dealing with this: 1. I run and hide in my bedroom where I have 2. My secret stash of chocolate and I call 3. My mom and CRY and tell her it's not fair, and I was NEVER this way, and she needs to come get the girls and take them out for ice cream NOW. I'm sorry, was I supposed to offer something useful? Right there with ya -- and I do appreciate and agree with the tips you've had so far. Nothing helpful to add, just commiserating. BTW, my dd started acting "hormonal" around age 9 or 10 -- she is now almost 14 and has still not started her period. So, although you're seeing the effects of hormones, you may have a while yet before you have to deal with the full-fledged assault. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 you mean I could potentially have FIVE more years of this before the periods even start..... :svengo: Do they make a supersize Ben and Jerry's? Because I'm gonna need that...WITH some Dove bars on top! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 She's also 9yo. The rule we've used with her is something that has carried over to the youngers: If you simply must have a tantrum, have it in your room with the door closed (no slamming). We're not going to listen to it. When you feel ready to rejoin the family, come on out and apologize. The problem with my dd is that if I try to soothe her, she actually gets worse. Once she's on her way to a meltdown, there's not much I can do to pull her back. So I've had to be very matter-of-fact with her, or very mocking. That will usually make her laugh. I also remind her not to "puddle-ize" on me; that will usually help her get up off the floor, at least. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMC Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Soothe - anything that will soothe the savage beast. If I can get her to laugh, that works every time. Trouble is, sometimes I can't find the right humor for her at the time... If my DH gets in on the act, the whole situation escalates, so I have to keep him our of the fray... Why he can't figure it out I don't know, it is so obvious to ME! (and anyone else within a 2-block radius). Maybe because I entered menopause so early, and didn't get hormonal like DD does. Even when I tell him what the problem is, he doesn't "get it". Maybe because DD is a mean-hormonal? I think that it is harder to e "nice" at home than it is to be "nice" around friends, so she dumps when shes home. When she's rational again, I let her know that mean-hormonal is unacceptable - period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 is not acceptable? I'm starting to try the preventative measures (exercise, etc.) that others have mentioned, and I hope that will help from that end, but I need to find a way from letting her do the mean-hormonal thing. Even if I talk to her about it ahead of time, it doesn't prevent her "in the moment." Do I then treat it as a discipline issue? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coralloyd Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 When I was a teen I had these ever so often, yet in general was a good kid. I remember one particular time yelling "I hate you!" to my mom then trying to hit her(very uncharacteristic :blushing:). She caught my hands in hers pulled me to her and hugged the anger right out of me, as she said over and over " I love you". I will always remember this because my mom could have reacted in anger, but chose to see past the anger to my hurting heart. It brings tears to my eyes now just thinking about it. I have never doubted my mom's unconditional love for me, and I know I can go to her with anything :). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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