Bickering children are driving me CRAZY!!

[Jennifer]

I don't know what to do. My girls (esp. the middle two, ages 8 and 6) are driving me up a wall with the bickering, whining, back talk, disrespect to me and each other...on and on. I feel my blood pressure rising and have to try very, very hard not to yell at them. What can I do? It seems like I've tried everything-time-outs, tomato staking and even spanking. Spanking seems sort of hypocritical to me-"I'm going to spank you so you can learn to treat others with love and respect and not hit or push each other." YKWIM??

 

Tell me what to do!! The two in question are in public school-they started this past fall and yes, the behavior has gotten worse since they've been in school. They'll both be home in the fall, dh wants them to finish the year in ps. I've tried modeling correct behavior, having do-overs of their interactions-nothing helps.

 

I feel like such a bad mom-that my children treat each other this way (and me!) and that it irritates me so much. I want a calm, peaceful home where everyone gets along and if they can't get along things can be resolved without yelling and fighting and whining and crying.

 

Thanks in advance for any advice and encouragement.

 

Jennifer

[Jennifer]

bump-Anyone? Bueller? Still having a bad day here...

Jennifer

[Tree House Academy]

Well, when you get some answers, I will surely listen. LOL I have the same issue with my two boys. They are 5 and 9 and the bickering NEVER stops. Well, okay, it does when they are in seperate rooms. Right now, ds5 is upstairs with me watching Pokemon while ds9 is downstairs on his computer watching a Narnia movie. :)

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I just had to tell the babysitter to put one of my boys in isolation for pestering/starting a bickering episode with the other. So, if anyone has any ideas, I'll buy that book.

I really think that it is just symptomatic of living in close quarters with someone. We all get on each others' nerves sometimes, hopefully, as adults we can handle it. I try to give my boys some tools to handle themselves, but mostly tell them that they do not have to stay in the same room with someone who is bugging them. Separation usually stops bickering, but what to do when they don't want to be apart, yet still bicker?

ETA: Isolation = time out, I guess.....my theory is if someone cannot get along with others, that someone neeeds to be by him/herself until he/she can get along with others.

[joannqn]

When my kids start to bicker, I take away the privilege of having a sibling. They are not allowed to play with or talk to each other for any reason. They get bored and lonely pretty quickly.

 

As for the disrespect of me as a parent, that gets immediately consequences. It is simply not allowed...no warnings...nothing. We use times outs. They work very well for us. Time outs used to be served with their forehead touching both walls of the corner of our choice and hands behind their back. Time out is never in their rooms as that would be much too pleasant. Now that the kids know that time out means serious business, we don't have to be so strict on the position. Just sitting, facing the corner, for a minute is enough these days. It gets their attention which is all that is needed.

[Ria]

Divide and conquer, lol. Sit them down and tell them that the rules are changing. Let them know what is acceptable behavior, and what is unacceptable. Give examples. Make sure they understand. Then lay down the law: anyone who does the unacceptable will be sent to a room - alone - for a set period of time. In our case (we had boys) the minimum time was an hour. I wanted them to be very lonely, lol. If they have schoolwork, send it to the room with them. Close the door.

 

I spent more than a few days in total silence, because I had at least four children in four separate rooms. LOL. It was blissful.

 

Anyway, that's worked for us. We rarely do this anymore...our guys are getting older.

 

Good luck.

 

Ria

[RoughCollie]

When my kids used to bicker, I send them outside. They can come back in when they can get along. I do it immediately, no matter what the weather. Of course, I let them put on coats & gloves in winter or rain, and wear shoes.

 

They are forewarned first -- I don't just spring it on them the first time it happens.

 

I make them rush to put on their outerwear, if it is necessary and I shove them out the door.

 

Pretty soon, they started warning each other to be quiet when they realized they were about to cross the line.

 

I haven't done that in awhile. Time to start it again. This is a good season for that -- it is bitterly cold outside.

 

BTW, with my kids, all other remedies were exhausted before I came up with this one. No one has died or gotten sick from it yet.

 

RC

[bookmomma]

Divide and conquer, lol. Sit them down and tell them that the rules are changing. Let them know what is acceptable behavior, and what is unacceptable. Give examples. Make sure they understand. Then lay down the law: anyone who does the unacceptable will be sent to a room - alone - for a set period of time. In our case (we had boys) the minimum time was an hour. I wanted them to be very lonely, lol. If they have schoolwork, send it to the room with them. Close the door.

 

Ria

:iagree:

I have two boys, 6 & 8, and they fight a lot. Giving them LONG time outs help a lot. Or I send one to his room (who ever "started" it) and work with the other on school work , chores, or just plain lecturing on behavior!

 

I also like to use books as instructional tools. Check out Peace Begins With You by Katharine Scholes. "Explains, in simple terms, the concept of peace, why conflicts occur, how they can be resolved in positive ways, and how to protect peace. "--Amazon product description. I read this to them and remind them that we have to work together to keep the peace in our house.

[woolybear]

Maybe there is something about those ages. I have two boys, 6 and 8. And they bicker WAY too much. Drives me nuts too. No advice today, but I'll send some cyber hugs your way. I have had some reallllllly bad days too. Hope it's better now. Hey, it's 9:13 p.m. here. Maybe your dc are even in bed! That's bound to better!

[ajjkt]

My elder two are 6 and 7. I am so sick of the bickering and nit-picking. "She looked at me", "He touched what I was playing with".

 

What on earth do people do? I feel so embarressed and frustrated. I just can't stand the quarreling. FWIW, they rarely fought before they went to school. It has got a lot better after we started hs, and continues to improve, but no where near acceptable.

[moira]

Hi There,

 

This is a great problem to have because there is agreat way to end it!!!! I am not sure I can word it as well as the guys over at www.loveandlogic.com but I will try. Make the bickering the kids problem. How? For example. You are in the car and they go at it. You say (in your most calm and carefree voice) as you are pulling over (and yes, I really mean it pull over the car and do not move--let them miss whatever party, sport, lesson etc) the car that the car will start moving again once the bickering is over. Do not get involved in who started or why it started etc!! Do not move until it is quiet or they are talking nicely to each other. Do not get involved or lecture at this point. Bring a book the first few times may require more than one stop. If at home, you may try this: (again in a sweet carefree voice) Hey, guys I don't want to hear your bickering please go outside (in the basement, their room, the office--anywhere you are not). They need to go away. If they do not leave then you leave-- even if that means the bathroom for you. But then when they want/need (prepare lunch, play, drive somewhere, etc) you to do something you basically say no and remind them that they did not leave as you requested earlier. The idea being that you have to change not the kids--since you cannot control their bickering. I am sure love and logic will explain all the details much better. I have done this and it works. I taught this method (in person talking when I could give plenty of ideas and examples) to many moms and it always works. I will be hard at first but you deserve some peace. Best of Luck!!

[happyWImom]

:iagree::iagree: Meanest Mom is correct when she says a lot of it is proximity-we are all driving each other crazy here!!! It just keeps getting colder too, so the kids aren't really able to go outside and play.

 

But, we got the book (I've talked about this one before) by Scott Turansky "Say goodbye to whining, complaining, bickering and bad attitudes-in you and your kids". It's wonderful! The bottomline is, it talks about honoring one another. Check it out. One of the things we make them do-if they do something mean (dishonoring) to each other, they then have to do something nice (honoring). That makes it interesting.:D

[CalicoKat]

well I have a suggestion if they're running to you to intervene in their arguments-- don't!

 

I will listen to the complaint and say, "That's troublesome, have you told ______ what you just told me?"

 

Really what they're needing is some conflict resolution skills.

 

At our home it goes like this.

 

1. tell the person who's bothering you what is it that's bothering you and why. The person who's being confronted may need some coaching on acknowleding they've heard them, and to say I'm sorry and move on.

 

2. wait for the change.

 

3. If no change, come to mom or dad for intervention. But remember that the resolution will involve BOTH parties because it takes two to fight, i.e., ALL will loose priviledge to use what ever toy(s) are being fought over for a day.

 

4. still no change, then it's time to shadow mom or dad for a looong while.

 

For my little people, 3, & 4 yo, I will generally walk them through the steps and give them the words to say to each other. It helps because they can't always put into words their frustration. For my big kids--well it usually only takes getting to #3 once before they realize it's best to resolve their issues among each other. :) They find a common interest in #3 that helps smooth the road towards being amicable again.

 

HTHs.

[Danestress]

Except that I usually send them to their beds just for 20 minutes, and it really does the trick. My boys are sweet and they don't back talk me hardly at all - it's mostly just directed at each other. So I have a "You must get along with each other before you can invite third parties into your play" and then the 20 minutes on the bed rule, and between those things, we mostly have peace.

 

I really reject the idea that all siblings must abuse each other. I think siblings provide lots of opportunities to use self control. I tell mine they can trade insults when they are out playing outside of my hearing, but that the moment they enter our home, they enter a place where I insist everyone be able to relax and not be 'challenged' negatively by other people.