Siblings with differing abilities

[Nichola]

Has anyone else experienced this situation—a child with learning challenges sandwiched between gifted siblings? How did you handle the emotional needs of the child with learning disabilities while still allowing the siblings to progress at the faster rate that they needed? Are there things I can do now while they are young to make this easier as time goes on? 

I know there are other boards for learning challenges and accelerated learners, but I didn’t know which of them to choose for this situation. 

Edited April 15 by Nichola

[Malam]

On the curriculum side, you can try (productively) reduce DD 5's pace with challenging curriculum like BA/AoPS while giving DD8 something more streamlined (like Denison math once she's ready for prealgebra, which reviews the necessary ementary and middle school math skills)

[Nichola]

On 3/17/2024 at 9:02 PM, Malam said:

On the curriculum side, you can try (productively) reduce DD 5's pace with challenging curriculum like BA/AoPS while giving DD8 something more streamlined (like Denison math once she's ready for prealgebra, which reviews the necessary ementary and middle school math skills)

…

Edited Wednesday at 12:37 PM by Nichola

[8filltheheart]

Nichola, yes, I have very avg kids who are sandwiched between gifted siblings. There us only so much you can do.  Really help them understand their unique gifts and that self-worth is not based on intelligence or academics. Everyone has their own struggles.

[Malam]

43 minutes ago, Nichola said:

That’s actually what I’ve been considering for next year—moving DD5 to BA and keeping DD8 in MWC.

That's what I'd recommend. Also, BA Online has different problems from the physical exercise books and AoPS has book on extra subjects like introductory and intermediate counting& probability and introductory number theory, along with Alcumus for even more problems. If you wanted her to slow down even more you could look into EMF math on top of AoPS

Edited March 18 by Malam

[BusyMom5]

I have been in your exact shoes- my kids are now almost grown.  We tell them the truth.  No matter how you try to spin it, she will figure out, internalized it.  We got ahead of it.  Yes, siblings older and younger do grasp academics easier than you.  It's not fair that you have to work harder to learn the same material- I'm sorry!  I also point out the things that child excelled at- organization, kindness, empathy, cleaning her room- anything I noticed she did naturally well in- you could also use sports if that works.  I have no problem pointing out that other kids struggled with other things- very hard time organizing,  difficult time controlling outbursts- non-academic things.  Life is not all academics- and we all struggle with something.  When you feel like you are the only one, look around!  The person who has it all is struggling with something.   Do YOUR best, compete against the you from yesterday and do not compare your progress to other people, only to yourself.  See yourself move forward and be proud of that progress.   When you see siblings struggle with other things, empathize and try to help them grow as well.  

My one who struggled so much learned to study and apply herself.  She's one of the top students in her classes and tells me that while she had to struggle so much when she was younger,  it's paid off because she knows how to study in college- many kids do not.  They struggle to get to class on time, turn in assignments, etc.  

My kid who struggled between gifted siblings is most likely 2E.  I knew she had something wrong,  but it took until 14 to finally get the right diagnosis and treatment.  It made learning so much harder.  It is not fair, but such is life.  Don't make a doomy, gloomy part.   It's just the way life is.  Someone struggles in a wheelchair, another struggles with reading, another with attitude- but these are all struggles.   Some have more struggles than others and always will.  Life is what we make it!  Focus on the positive. 

As for what curriculum to use- I homeschool to give each kid the specialized program that they need.  It doesn't make sense to use the same programs unless that program is best for both kids.  If you are using AAR, it's okay to use it with both and it's also okay if younger eclipses older siblings.  Same for math.  The question should be what does Child 1 need, Child 2 need, Child 3 need.  

[8filltheheart]

Busymom5 expanded on many of my thoughts. 

I wanted to share that in no way would I try to slow your younger dd down or be less vocally affirming of her achievements. First, it won't help your middle dd. She'll be aware regardless. Second, your younger dd's needs also have their own place. Teaching them to respect each other and themselves vs worrying about individual perceptions will serve your entire family more than trying to hide or minimize inequalities that blatantly exist. Embrace them for what they are and focus on each child's uniqueness.

My kids are almost all adults now. I have a son who when he was 6 would be sitting on the floor playing and would blurt out answers that his 8 yr old sister was struggling to answer. He passed her academically early on. He was also extremely dyslexic. He had his own struggles. Even so, he graduated from high school having basically completed minors in both math and physics. There was no way in the world that his older sister was not going to be aware. 5 yrs younger than her, older dd also had to face a sister who was extremely gifted with language (she didnt pass her older sister, but Latin and French were easy for her where older dd had really struggled.)

Our 7th child is very much like her oldest sister....very avg and really has to work hard to memorize things. She is very aware of the successes of her older siblings. She also has a sister who is 4 yrs younger than her who breezes through everything. Even more chaffing to her at times is that 7th child dd works very hard on her voice lessons and has really improved her singing...meanwhile our youngest is also gifted musically and with minimal effort her voice is truly amazing.

As a parent, I cant hide or "fix" those inequalities. They are who they are. It is far more important to help each one figure out how to be the best them they can be. So, I have a ds who is extremely successful who pursued math and physics and had all sorts of academic honors. But, I also have a dd who pursued a 2 yr occupational therapy assistant degree who loves her job and the flexibility it gives her to be the great mom that she is.  They are in very different places but both are very happy "in their skin."

Our 7th is graduating from high school this yr. She is DEing full time this semester bc for the longest time she hasn't wanted to go to college but has wanted to start her own business. She has the drive, vision, and personality to make it work. We convinced her that having a background in business and accounting would be beneficial for her plan, so she is pursuing a 2 yr accounting and office management degree while working on her vision and creating a client base already.

Helping them find them is the greatest gift you can give your kids. My kids are all so different from each other that I have had to constantly reevaluate homeschooling courses/plans to fit their needs. I hate chemistry but one ds is a chemE. I know nothing about physics but one loves it. I know no French or Russian but a dd graduated from high school fluent in French and at a high level in Russian. Creating a business plan? Nope, no knowledge. Our youngest is an 8th grader who thinks she wants to pursue violin performance... definitely 100% out of my league on that one. I have spent the past 8 months reading everything I can in attempt to educate myself so we can guide her as she makes decisions.

That is my main goal....to be able to offer some basic guidance in helping them achieve their goals. Eyes are on them individually. They are affirmed in who they are with unique skills and interests. No hiding. Just celebrating each one's individuality. They know. We know. It is way easier if we live honestly vs acting like we need protect them from reality.

[Momof4sweetkids]

My kids are young so I have no wisdom to share but I found this video helpful:

Also I've been reading the book Grit by Angela Duckworth. She argued that grit, effort and resilience are more important for success than natural talent.

[8filltheheart]

25 minutes ago, Momof4sweetkids said:

Also I've been reading the book Grit by Angela Duckworth. She argued that grit, effort and resilience are more important for success than natural talent.

I think that this is a myopic view bc natural talent combined with "grit, effort, and resilience" also exists.  They are not diametrically opposed, existing in separate vacuums.   There are those with natural talent/gifts who work hard and can achieve levels that those without those same gifts working hard cannot achieve.  (My avg kids, no matter how much effort they put in, would never be able to see the world mathematically the way their brother does.  His brain has an ability to perceive things that he in turn used to master math and physics at a very high level.  Nope....definitely not translatable to others putting in just hard work attempting to achieve the same level.)

It reminds me of the current trend to deny giftedness.  We celebrate disabilities and special needs, yet as a society we belittle the truth of giftedness.  

 

Edited March 18 by 8filltheheart

[Clemsondana]

Offering more and less challenging programs that geared to each student can be appropriate, but at some point the kids are still going to realize that the younger can help the older with their work.  Similar to what 8 has said, I encourage my kids to find things that they will excel at.  Music, athletics, art, languages, math, science, literature - there are lots of different things that kids can become good at.  One family that we know has one kid who is very academically successful, while another does what they have to do but really likes hands-on work.  So, this kid does the required school work and then works some in the family business.  

[Momof4sweetkids]

1 hour ago, 8filltheheart said:

I think that this is a myopic view bc natural talent combined with "grit, effort, and resilience" also exists.  They are not diametrically opposed, existing in separate vacuums.   There are those with natural talent/gifts who work hard and can achieve levels that those without those same gifts working hard cannot achieve.  (My avg kids, no matter how much effort they put in, would never be able to see the world mathematically the way their brother does.  His brain has an ability to perceive things that he in turn used to master math and physics at a very high level.  Nope....definitely not translatable to others putting in just hard work attempting to achieve the same level.)

It reminds me of the current trend to deny giftedness.  We celebrate disabilities and special needs, yet as a society we belittle the truth of giftedness.  

 

Thanks for that perspective! The way you put it makes a lot of sense.