Help me resolve Mr 12's procrastination habit

[caffeineandbooks]

DS12 has a light 6^th grade schedule.  I’m asking for daily math (Dimensions with Singapore Math Live videos), WWS, reading, morning time and Latin (10 minutes), plus weekly history and science.  He has to be done with the week’s work by 4pm Thursday because we have activities on Friday, and if he’s not done, he misses a desirable activity on Friday night.

I’m seeing a pattern of missing out one week, then pulling his socks up the next week, then missing out again a week or two later.  Basically he schedules the work sensibly with plenty of time to play, but ignores the schedule in favour of whatever takes his fancy on Monday and Tuesday, then is behind on Wednesday, panicked on Thursday, and sulky and accusing on Thursday night when he “discovers” he can’t go to his activity.  The next week he will work the schedule and be done easily, but the self-management doesn’t “stick” – a week later, he’s procrastinating again.

I’m meeting with him each Monday morning, trying to help him with this, but I’m not getting much buy-in.  I ask him to rate the previous week out of ten. He can give a number, but he claims he can’t think of any reason it was better or worse than the week before or nominate anything he liked or disliked about it or tell me anything that would have made it better.  He claims to have no idea how his planned schedule succeeded or failed, and says he doesn’t want any further structure, input, checkpoints etc from me.

It's really hard to help him when he just grunts at me, and when he claims he doesn’t want to change anything!  Yet he is genuinely distressed every time he misses his activity, and I find myself anxious all week knowing that he will be sad and angry and blame me and his siblings.

What would you do?  Do I just toughen up and let him keep see-sawing until he finds an equilibrium?  Do I step in and say he’s not ready for that much independence, and go back to direct supervision and tighter management?  Are there ways to help him gain some more insight into his behaviour and practise delayed gratification that I haven’t thought of?

[Rosie_0801]

He's not ready for that much independence. Most people aren't at that age; they are young and hormones are thinking about disassembling their brains for future upgrades.

[happypamama]

I agree with Rosie. He is not ready for that much independence. My 12yo needs reminders from me as well. 

 

Executive function is often not strong in 12yos. 

[HomeAgain]

We are seeing mixed results, but have found tween years do best with a few guidelines:

Morning meetings

When/then statements

 

Right now, our morning question to ds13 is "what are your rocks today?"  You've seen the video of the jar with rocks, sand, pebbles, water....okay.  So he is being trained to put in his rocks first so he has room for sand.  This is where the when/then comes in, daily: when your rocks are done,  then you have time for all the sand you want.

But tweens suck, and they are like little kids again (imo). So the weekend activity is still on the table as an enticement.  If he goes through morning meetings, but then screws around and doesn't get his work done, then he does not get weekend activity.  But the morning meeting does cut down on "I forgot" or thinking that it's just something that can all be done in 20 minutes at the end of the week.

[ktgrok]

3 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

He's not ready for that much independence. Most people aren't at that age; they are young and hormones are thinking about disassembling their brains for future upgrades.

This. He needs daily targets, not weekly, I'd imagine. 

[caffeineandbooks]

Thank you all.  I was surprised how relieved I felt to receive "permission" to go back to a daily schedule,  We'll make a fresh start on Monday.