WWYD … long and random

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, lauraw4321 said:

I’m not moving out any time soon. I need that idea to give me hope. I know there’s an end date to this, if it never improves. 
 

DH spent all day cleaning off table. He also spent all day in a terrible mood. My in-laws and dad are coming here tonight to celebrate my oldest’s birthday. At least there’s a lot of distraction. 

Well, THERE is a good answer to my question upthread, "What makes this urgent right now?"  

The best possible answer:  "Company coming over."  Second best:  "Something to celebrate."  

[Katy]

You might want to think about the end date you chose. If it’s only a tool to give you hope, that’s one thing. But if you’re so set you’re staying in a job you hate… you might decide earlier. I say this because kids whose parents separate at any age can get a bit self-destructive. Self destructive in a 4th grader and self destructive to a 19 year old are worlds apart. A 4th grader might need weekly therapy and some sports. A 19 year old might get into all kinds of trouble you wouldn’t have much ability to intervene in. If you’ve already lost respect for him and he’s not showing you love… idk, I think it’s rare to regain respect for a man once he’s lost it. I can only think of a handful of couples who managed it. 

[Not_a_Number]

I hope this isn’t too irrelevant, but your post really reminded me of my own life. I hope some part of the below is helpful. 

I was part of a similar dynamic for many, many years. A dynamic where somehow, all of my complaints were my own fault for not being easygoing enough. Where I felt disrespected constantly but could never communicate why to my DH.

I tried a lot of stuff. I tried talking to him and trying to communicate how much stuff bothered me. He’d sometimes comply if I got sad or angry enough, but it never felt good. He’d be resentful and he never got it.

I tried stuffing down my feelings and being grateful for the good things about him. I just wound up feeling resentful and tense and stifled and the bad feelings would eventually come out. I couldn’t convince myself to accept disrespect or to fool myself that the disrespect was actually respect.

I tried helping him. I made suggestions (lists, phone reminders, etc.). I tried to run things for him. He just resented me trying to control him.

I tried giving up on things that didn’t work and handling things myself. That just made me feel bad, because I wasn’t at peace with having those arrangements.

I remember having the feeling that I couldn’t win. In your situation, OP, I’d be stuck with no-win options: make him resentful by talking to him, make him angry by moving his stuff, or stew in silence and have things feel tense.

And I remember feeling firmly entrenched in the dynamic. We both were. I couldn’t see how to do things that didn’t involve trying to get him to somehow consider me. To somehow be kinder to me. To respect me.

Broken dynamics have an incredible amount of inertia. People will act like this because their expectations of you are NOT REASONABLE. Because somewhere at the back of his head, what your DH wants is for you to take care of his needs without needing to take care of yours. It’s a subconscious expectation. It’s very hard to root out, because most people don’t even know they feel this way.

The best thing I ever did was figure out what I needed and in a way that had nothing to do with DH and didn’t involve trying to change his mind. In fact, I had to accept that he genuinely couldn’t care for me at that point and had to take ownership of my own well-being to move forward.

It sounds like the idea of moving out helps you think about that. Maybe you could use the positive boost of that thought to figure out what that could be in the house. And then… after you know what it is… you could make it so. Not to try to show something to your husband. Not to make him care. But because it’s what YOU need.

I remember feeling like that was impossible, by the way. To figure out what I needed given that I know he’d be hostile and angry. And he was, indeed, enraged. But… figuring that out and implementing it was honestly the best thing I ever did for my marriage.

I apologize if that was rambly. I hope some small bit of it helps.

And also, hugs. I know how hard this is.

Edited July 8, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[PeppermintPattie]

Am I remembering correctly that your mom died a few months ago? I'm surprised that your therapist is pushing such a major life change on you when you're still adjusting to losing your mom.

 

[lauraw4321]

3 hours ago, PeppermintPattie said:

Am I remembering correctly that your mom died a few months ago? I'm surprised that your therapist is pushing such a major life change on you when you're still adjusting to losing your mom.

 

Yes, you are. She passed in February. But she was ill for awhile before and I felt ready to move to a new issue. 

I went to an appointment with her today. It popped up on my calendar and I considered canceling. I think she was taken aback because I hadn’t showered and was in workout stuff (hello, depression). 
 

I basically told her what I said here. I filled her in on my conversation with DH. She made it clear it wasn’t her intention to pressure me to divorce and that she doesn’t think that’s my only option. 
 

As is much more common, the session was extremely helpful. I came to the conclusion with her help that I need to work on boundaries. This is what many of you were saying as well, but she is really good at explaining things to me so that I grasp them. I’ll update how our work goes. 

[Not_a_Number]

18 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

Yes, you are. She passed in February. But she was ill for awhile before and I felt ready to move to a new issue. 

I went to an appointment with her today. It popped up on my calendar and I considered canceling. I think she was taken aback because I hadn’t showered and was in workout stuff (hello, depression). 
 

I basically told her what I said here. I filled her in on my conversation with DH. She made it clear it wasn’t her intention to pressure me to divorce and that she doesn’t think that’s my only option. 
 

As is much more common, the session was extremely helpful. I came to the conclusion with her help that I need to work on boundaries. This is what many of you were saying as well, but she is really good at explaining things to me so that I grasp them. I’ll update how our work goes. 

I’m so glad you had a good session.