Parents of SN kids need more resources()

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

But not a JAWM.

My beloved SIL and her husband are fostering to adopt. This girl was actually friends with my daughter(we’ll call her C which isn’t her first initial) long before placement and she’s a very lovely preteen.  The issue is that she and my eight year old have developed significant jealousy issues with each other and there’s been consistent problems that usually end in C having a meltdown and my son stomping off angrily. Bottom line is that he triggers some of C’s trauma just due to age and how he looks and some of his own special needs, and he’s been attached at the hip to SIL since coming home from the NICU and is feeling rather abandoned.

So fine and dandy. We’re used to traumas and behaviors and special needs. We’ll manage.

except C has now been kicked out of every childcare situation she’s been in. My mother in law can watch her per the county and C does really well with her so it’s ok. But MIL also watches our kids when we both work, which is four shifts this month and 5 24 hour shifts next month.  So that isn’t going to work anymore. (And yes, the county should be figuring out childcare for C, but they are overwhelmed and generally unhelpful anyway)

But we have no other options and time off at my new job is impossible to get despite having already accrued a lot of PTO. DH can take off some, but not all of it.  He could probably take off more night shifts but MIL doesn’t have C overnight and DH can’t take off just a day shift. 
I stayed at toxic old job for eleven years because I also had a child with behaviors and we couldn’t use childcare.  There is just nothing here if the kid has any kind of behaviors, and probably not anywhere.

My younger two may have to suck it up and go to the community summer rec program, which they completely hated last year. But I’m out of ideas. 

Edited July 6, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Faith-manor]

Tiggy, would it be possible to advertise for someone she could train to come to her home and learn how to effectively care for C? Are they adopting with subsidy so there is money coming in to help with this? They should not agree to any adoption plan for C that does not include as much subsidy as they can possibly finagle. I cannot emphasize this enough, and she should also come with Medicaid, do not adopt her without that. The state should not be asking people to go bankrupt for medical bills for children adopted from foster care.

My friend who adopted SN children always demanded the highest level of subsidy the state would provide plus medicaid, and then used the subsidy for finding folks to train to come into her house to help with care or provide daycare. In the summers, she sometimes was able to employ special ed teachers who needed to make some extra money after school was out. Same for parapros from the school district.

Edited July 6, 2023 by Faith-manor

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

5 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Tiggy, would it be possible to advertise for someone she could train to come to her home and learn how to effectively care for C? Are they adopting with subsidy so there is money coming in to help with this? They should not agree to any adoption plan for C that does not include as much subsidy as they can possibly finagle. I cannot emphasize this enough, and she should also come with Medicaid, do not adopt her without that. The state should not be asking people to go bankrupt for medical bills for children adopted from foster care.

My friend who adopted SN k

Every child adopted out of foster care in this state gets Medicaid till 18 or finished with college, and they will have some kind of a special needs subsidy.

I offered $25-$30 an hour for years to get someone who I could train to stay with my son and could never get anyone interested.  SIL did ask the county if they have recommendations for someone like that, but they don’t. We actually also got respite certified for this particular girl(and probably her brother when they take custody of him as well) so she could stay with us when SIL needs to work, but right now that clearly won’t work. 

They do qualify for in home respite hours through a special needs agency here but it’s like five hours a month and is designed for a date night type of thing. And I know when we qualified for respite through the same agency before 2020 they struggled to get even one worker and C needs two respite workers. So they were told due to staffing to not count on it. I think we actually got respite three out of eighteen months we were in the program.

Edited July 6, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[AmandaVT]

Not in NY, but I'm next door to you. My friend fostered a very high needs child for a few years. She had to be the squeaky wheel with DCF. She's really bad at being the squeaky wheel, but that was the only thing that made a difference. She struggled to get respite care and childcare for her, but when things were too much at home (5 hr tantrums, etc), she would have to say "if you can't find respite options, I won't be able to keep caring for this child." They kept throwing more money at her, way higher than the official max daily amount for fostering, but she would say that it wasn't the money, she needed a break. It didn't help that she had 4 DCF workers in the years she had her, and most of them were too busy/overwhelmed to do much. But persisting and holding the line helped. If you're not "that person" DCF will walk all over you as a foster parent. Is this a therapeutic placement or regular fostering? It can be extra tricky to find therapeutic respite/childcare workers too. 

Do you have local community mental health agencies? Here, our county agency has summer programming for children that receive services through their programs. Transportation to/from day camp is provided as are meals. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

12 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

 

Do you have local community mental health agencies? Here, our county agency has summer programming for children that receive services through their programs. Transportation to/from day camp is provided as are meals. 

Theoretically there are some. In reality, funding and staffing is difficult and they tend to only take kids who are coming out of hospitalization or who meet partial hospitalization criteria. There’s elective summer school, day camps, summer rec—but none of them will keep a child with any kind of behaviors. Until DS13 got into a special needs school that offered year round schooling, I had an agreement with my employers where I’d use FMLA and only work one day a week during the summer.

TPR is already complete and they are foster to adopt, and after a failed adoption before SIL is super nervous to be too much of a squeaky wheel.  I don’t think there’s any subsidy they could reasonably hand out that would replace SIL’s income, though, and for her mental health I think she needs that break.

I mean it sucks for me, but then I feel terribly selfish. It’s nothing more than a chain of unexpected events: my job was supposed to be flexible and they pulled a bait and switch; sister in law’s in laws were going to assist them with childcare and changed their minds after witnessing C having a meltdown; she got kicked out of summer school and community rec. And I did not anticipate the issues with my youngest DS. None of its anyone’s fault, it is just frustrating. 

Edited July 6, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[itsheresomewhere]

We do need more.  More childcare resources, more mental health resources and more resources for kids who don’t meet the requirement exactly  but need help.  It sucks all the way around.  
 

If the child needs summer school but they can’t handle it, what is their plan for it?  Do they have an advocate for her IEP/504?  They might have some luck with calling their local arc and getting a referral or some arcs will provide one for certain disabilities.  

[Faith-manor]

Sigh. We have a zero system. Just a big fat zero. We spend so much money on total crap that congress wants, that state legislatures want, and none on the things that matter most.

My only mother suggestion is to ask your closest children's hospital. At one point, we had one in Michigan that had some day camp, day care, drop in care options. I have no idea if those programs still continue. It has been a long time. But when they were operating, they had programs for children with trauma.

[Katy]

I’m not sure I’m much help, but we didn’t take or keep kids who we couldn’t care for. IE: I don’t work so I could watch them. And as much as SIL’s heart may be in the right place, taking on kids with special needs without enough support is tough. I have an easy, happy marriage but special needs kids have strained our relationship many times. And doubled down a relative’s choice to not have children at all.

Some states have year round special education with a connected daycare. As you know though, school care does not mean not abusive. 

I know ONE family that focused on high-trauma kids. They adopted three. Two of which ended up in the hospital, one for more than a year (she wasn’t ready for a family when adopted), and one will likely be hospitalized permanently. She has repeatedly proven she is a danger to herself and others. 

There was only one mental hospital that accepted long term child placements in the state, so they ended up moving to be closer to the hospital. And the couple got a lot of therapy about issues re rescuing people and how likely they were to “fail” by all outward measures. The kids will likely grow up to remain in or return to hospitals, end up in prison, or die from drug overdoses because of the massive amount of trauma they experienced and genetic susceptibility to mental illnesses. This couple strongly believes every child should have a loving family, even those that are so damaged they will never be able to live with that family. 

I will say being a squeaky wheel is NOT the reason the previous placement was interrupted. It’s likely that the other family saw the girl’s behaviors escalate and the county would not give enough help. It’s probable the previous placement realized they couldn’t help her, but she could and would damage them. 

One of my kids has a bio sibling who’s been hospitalized many times. At one point a therapist told them to call 911 every time the child got violent because it’s the only way to get the services the child needs. The waiting lists are 2-3 years long otherwise. It took 2 years to find the right medications, but they did and the kid is doing much better today. So much so that the family adopted another child. 

I guess the first thing I would do is talk to your mom. Is she willing and able to care for this child? Is she happy to do so? Does she feel God is calling her to do so, even at the expense of her relationship with her other grandchildren? 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

My MIL is perfectly happy and willing to care for this child. She’s good with special needs kids and has a lot of experience. And if I’m being truthful, the “behaviors” C displays are nowhere near as severe as my oldest son’s were when he was between 4-10 years old.  She’s never been removed from a placement for behaviors, just wound up in homes that closed for other reasons and the last one only worked with families headed for reunification, not adoption.  
But she’s a foster kid. No one has ever pushed for evaluation, no 504/IEP, there’s never been an FBA done despite a request from her casa and four school suspensions. My sister in law just took her for an OT eval which was her first one.  The only diagnosis is ADHD, no consideration of trauma or anxiety or sensory processing disorder.

The programs here, even the elective summer school programs, aren’t great and are generally run by people who are barely out of high school. They aren’t designed for any kind of high need child who might get sensory overwhelmed and have a meltdown.  I probably know more than most foster aunts, because before she was my foster niece she was my daughter’s best friend in school and church youth group. 

The real issue is my youngest triggers her and she triggers him. So until we can get a handle on that it’s better that they aren’t around each other. So I am back to the same issue I was when oldest DS was young and for the same reasons: do I work Part time, do I go back to a job that was flexible but I was miserable at, do we try to figure out a way for DH to qualify for FMLA? I have no idea.

It’s just frustrating to me that our society fails high need kids.  My oldest succeeded because I spent hours and hours at the school demanding evaluations and services and being a general pain in the a$$. And because I had the ability to flex my job and could access the mental health resources I needed because of how toxic that job was.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

34 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

I will say being a squeaky wheel is NOT the reason the previous placement was interrupted. It’s likely that the other family saw the girl’s behaviors escalate and the county would not give enough help. It’s probable the previous placement realized they couldn’t help her, but she could and would damage them. 

 

This is actually C’s first adoptive placement. My SIL had another adoptive placement fail when the foster mother changed her mind and adopted the kids. It has made her pretty nervous about this one.

C would most likely thrive with three days one on one with my MIL.   And I feel selfish even thinking anything about it, because MIL is the one who stepped in when it became clear that my oldest DS’s behaviors ramped up in any kind of group setting like day camp or childcare.  Without her I would have been essentially housebound all these years.  

[Moonhawk]

2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

My mother in law can watch her per the county and C does really well with her so it’s ok. But MIL also watches our kids when we both work, which is four shifts this month and 5 24 hour shifts next month.

It sounds like you have a finite and known conflicts for childcare. Are there ways your SIL can flex those 4 days / 5 days on her side to find an alternative for C? It sounds like she only needs 8 hours/day, not 24 hours, so either her taking time off or finding a stopgap would be easier than you having to find 24 hour coverage. That doesn't mean MIL isn't seeing/caring for C the other days that she needs it. But these 4 / 5 days were, I assume, known and pre-planned. 

Even if she flexes to cover 2-3 of these days each month, that greatly relieves the burden on you/DH. 

I feel for SIL and C, who are not causing trouble, this is just life; I'm just saying maybe there should be a pause to determine if this should shift to be totally on you, or if you can gently ask that your needs/the already agreed-upon watching can stay the same.

This isn't necessarily just your issue to solve, your SIL I think should be just as invested/involved/(dare I say inconvenienced) to make the solution.

[Katy]

I forgot that New York basically has recent high school graduates running summer school programs like that. One of my college friends went home to NY to substitute teach every school break and summer. 

I’m sorry. Do you like your current job more than your last? 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

45 minutes ago, Katy said:

I forgot that New York basically has recent high school graduates running summer school programs like that. One of my college friends went home to NY to substitute teach every school break and summer. 

I’m sorry. Do you like your current job more than your last? 

C’s summer school teacher was actually a teacher’s assistant who works in the computer lab. Apparently you don’t need to be certified to teach summer school. The summer rec my kids were in last year that was county sponsored was run by two college sophomores and all the leaders were teens. I thought it looked like a fun program, but it’s just not set up for neurodivergent kids in any way.

I love aspects of the new job. I really like all my coworkers which was the biggest reason for leaving old job: I just genuinely didn’t like a lot of the people.  The pay and benefits are significantly better. I just got told one thing as far as flexibility/shift swapping/time off and it turns out to be the exact opposite. I probably would not have taken the job had I known.

[kbutton]

22 hours ago, Moonhawk said:

It sounds like you have a finite and known conflicts for childcare. Are there ways your SIL can flex those 4 days / 5 days on her side to find an alternative for C? It sounds like she only needs 8 hours/day, not 24 hours, so either her taking time off or finding a stopgap would be easier than you having to find 24 hour coverage. That doesn't mean MIL isn't seeing/caring for C the other days that she needs it. But these 4 / 5 days were, I assume, known and pre-planned. 

Even if she flexes to cover 2-3 of these days each month, that greatly relieves the burden on you/DH. 

I feel for SIL and C, who are not causing trouble, this is just life; I'm just saying maybe there should be a pause to determine if this should shift to be totally on you, or if you can gently ask that your needs/the already agreed-upon watching can stay the same.

This isn't necessarily just your issue to solve, your SIL I think should be just as invested/involved/(dare I say inconvenienced) to make the solution.

This. I wanted to say something like this but couldn't think of a way to say it that didn't sound like Mrs. T was being selfish or like it would throw SIL under the bus.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

2 hours ago, kbutton said:

This. I wanted to say something like this but couldn't think of a way to say it that didn't sound like Mrs. T was being selfish or like it would throw SIL under the bus.

I guess I probably have more resources than SIL does because the department of social services has been pretty strict on who she can leave C with.  She has some friends who would be willing to step up for babysitting but so far they are not approved.

I am more than happy to hire someone if I could find someone. I managed to find a day camp with openings in the town I’m working in for youngest DS, and DD11 will be fine going to MIL’s even if C is there. In fact it’s probably better that way.  There are some other changes on their way and I expect that DH is going to have to just accept that I need to work part time for a while(or he does, whichever one of us).  Which is affordable once we sell the rental house, but then he’d have to actually do the work on it that it’s needed for two years(nothing structural, stupid stuff like painting all the trim so a bank will lend on it). And that’s another story.

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I guess I probably have more resources than SIL does because the department of social services has been pretty strict on who she can leave C with.  She has some friends who would be willing to step up for babysitting but so far they are not approved.

Maybe that backlog will clear soon! I hadn't thought about the hoops required in that regard.

It's a tough situation.

[Drama Llama]

This is why we need paid parental leave in this country.  As an adoptive parent of a traumatized kid, I can say that being home for him and focusing on our relationship during the early months was so critical.

I don't have a great suggestion.  Unfortunately, it sounds as though even if the rec program is crappy, your kids are probably the ones in a better place to handle it, since they are more stable and clearly very attached to you.  

I wonder if you called your job's bluff and said "I will be taking this leave that I need and that was promised.  Let me know if I should come back, or if this is the end of my employment."  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

And tonight my oldest had a second meltdown in a week—after literally having none in over a year. Both times were after a family event and I finally figured out that future dear niece is triggering him very badly.  Essentially she’s been extremely parentified and is trying to parent my kids, and being told he’s disrespectful and crazy and some other things sent my oldest into a meltdown that required a restraint. For the first time in years, literally.

And then DH, who took the day off work for the first time in remembered history to have a family day, basically told his parents that we appreciate all of their help and love them but we can’t have our boys around C. It was one thing when the girls were friends and C was hardly ever around the boys, but we cannot keep having meltdowns and issues after every time they’ve interacted with her.

BIL actually will get six weeks of paid parental leave when the adoption is finalized but nothing but unpaid fmla for a foster placement. SIL is self employed, and if she doesn’t work there’s no income. 

DH is going to have to use all his vacation time and take August off. And I’m frustrated because a lot of this was really forseeable but DH is very reactive vs proactive, and would rather just be mad and trying to figure things out instead of listening to me when I first knew C was being placed with them. Because I called most of this.

I know I’m probably being incredibly selfish. But I came close to calling 911 on my own kid tonight for transport because he was so out of control, and that’s never ever happened before. We can’t keep doing this, and I can’t ask my MIL to do it either so we can work.

[Katy]

You are NOT being selfish, you're being a good mom.  And you know medical transport might have been called for. And you know the girl, and you did call it. You're a good mom. Husbands not listening to their wives is an age-old problem.

[Heartstrings]

15 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

know I’m probably being incredibly selfish.

You are not being selfish.  It’s ok to be upset that your child care has fallen through, even if you fully understand why and even think it’s a good idea.  You’re children are being upset, to the extreme, and you are left with no childcare.   Being frustrated about that is normal and reasonable.  You’re actually being very gracious, accommodating, and sweet about the whole thing.  

[Drama Llama]

16 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

And tonight my oldest had a second meltdown in a week—after literally having none in over a year. Both times were after a family event and I finally figured out that future dear niece is triggering him very badly.  Essentially she’s been extremely parentified and is trying to parent my kids, and being told he’s disrespectful and crazy and some other things sent my oldest into a meltdown that required a restraint. For the first time in years, literally.

And then DH, who took the day off work for the first time in remembered history to have a family day, basically told his parents that we appreciate all of their help and love them but we can’t have our boys around C. It was one thing when the girls were friends and C was hardly ever around the boys, but we cannot keep having meltdowns and issues after every time they’ve interacted with her.

I am so sorry, it sounds like you are making the right choice.  Cousin interactions were really hard for us too, although they played out differently.  It's really confusing for kids when they see people who they are told are their parents, who don't yet feel like their parents, showing attachment to other kids.  And it's really confusing for other kids to be told that the adults they were attached to now "belong" to some other kids.  

I will say it got better over time, and I wouldn't assume that because it's not working now, that it won't work down the road.  

16 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

BIL actually will get six weeks of paid parental leave when the adoption is finalized but nothing but unpaid fmla for a foster placement. SIL is self employed, and if she doesn’t work there’s no income. 

That is so messed up.  I'm sorry.  I know it's not your fault or theirs, but seriously our country is messed up when it comes to medical leave. 

16 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

DH is going to have to use all his vacation time and take August off. And I’m frustrated because a lot of this was really forseeable but DH is very reactive vs proactive, and would rather just be mad and trying to figure things out instead of listening to me when I first knew C was being placed with them. Because I called most of this.

If you had been proactive, what would you have done?  It sounds like August off is a not great solution, but maybe the best for your family.  Is there one that would have worked better?  

16 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I know I’m probably being incredibly selfish. But I came close to calling 911 on my own kid tonight for transport because he was so out of control, and that’s never ever happened before. We can’t keep doing this, and I can’t ask my MIL to do it either so we can work.

You aren't selfish at all.  I'm not sure how not putting this on your MIL, or your kids, and also not blaming your BIL/SIL and C is the selfish option.  It seems like you're being the opposite of selfish.