A home for their hearts Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I am really struggling with my dc right now. I can't figure out what to do with them discipline wise. What do you do with a 8 and 9 year old? I thought about time out but I think they are a little to old for that to actually be effective. Any ideas? I am all out of them right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 4boys Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I personally recommend the book Childwise by Gary Ezzo. Very practical. I can't say enough good things about it. Just an idea because it would take me forever and a day to explain everything we use for discipline! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 What problems are you having with them? I don't believe in formulaic or unrelated or punitive discipline. But I've been thru those ages with mine and countless others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucy in Australia Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Removal of privileges worked for us at that age (and still does, come to think of it). I had to work out what was near & dear to each of their hearts. Completely different things in each case. My younger son apparently feels like he is slowly being murdered if you remove any of his social activities, while the older one is fairly attached to his computer time. Once I had that worked out, and explained that these privileges would be disappearing when home rules were breached, I implemented it with much gusto. It didn't take long for them to catch on :) although one of them accumulated a couple of weeks worth of "losses" before he realised I was serious. I had to remain very consistent, and I have to admit, some days it made life more difficult for me, but the end result is so worth it. One thing I found important was to make sure they understood that I wasn't just doing this for my own amusement. I made sure they knew how important their contributions were to the family, and how damaging it was to our family's harmony when they didn't pull their weight. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Build the relationship first. Things fall into place much better after that. For ideas on this read Hold on to Your Kids by Neufeld & Maté If you give some concrete examples, we may be able to help more. I have a 14 & 10 yo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I have to say that I wouldn't read the Ezzo's for child discipline. Instructing Your Child's Heart is good. (By Tripp) Even though some will disagree strongly with his book about Sheparding Your Child's Heart, his Instructing Your Child's Heart is about getting to WHY they aren't obeying you. I also like Love and Logic, although I have a hard time letting them fall. And, as far as time out, if used for specific instances, I'm not sure 8 or 9 is too old. I just started an experiment with my kids, I have them do time out with their hands on their head. Takes away all the fun. I just do it for things like yelling. I'm very calm and say "two" and then if they are arguing..."three" "four" or if they keep yelling....I call it by 2 at a time... (2,4,...) so far I've only got to 8 and it's greatly improved my daughter's attitude. I'm fine with spanking sometimes, but it wasn't really something to spank for....(and at her age, not much would be...) BUT, for some reason, when she has an opportunity to stop right away...she has been....and WITH a good attitude! And, if relationship is the issue, I'm sure that hornblowers book is great, but you might want to look at the Love and Logic suggestion of spending a certain amount of time with just that child...at a specified time...I think the book goes through the suggestion...we went through it in class. Carrie:-) (IF you don't take care of it now, you'll be doing it next year.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 (edited) Clear rules that are consistently enforced is where I'd start. When rules aren't followed, warn once and only once. If the warning isn't heeded, follow through with immediately discipline of choice. Never fail to follow through with something you say you will do, regardless of what it is. If you promise to take them to the library, make sure you follow through and do it. If you tell them they've lost something for a week, make sure you take it away for a week and not a minute less. When you become consistent like that, they'll know that you mean what you say and come to respect you for it. We rarely need to discipline our almost 7 and almost 9 year old. Our kids know we are serious with the rules. If they forget a chores, we remind them and they stop what they are doing instantly and do it. To not move instantly or to try to tell us to wait a minute, brings immediate and unpleasant consequences and they know it. Never engage in arguing; you can calmly discuss expectations/reasons later rather than in the moment. Punishments in our house vary... Loss of screen time if not using their timer. Loss of item if fighting over it or mistreating it. Time out (face in corner) for general stuff. Yes, it still works at 9 years old and I will put them in time out in public places if I need to. I used to take away anticipated outings/play dates but haven't needed to for a couple of years now. I caution you not to take away outings that you are looking forward to; it's harder to follow through when it punishes you too. Just saw NayfiesMama's response and I thought I'd add that having a great relationship with your children will go a loooooong way. We work very hard at maintaining our relationships with our children. We still do nightly bedtime stories (our literature choices), cuddling, talking, dates, asking their opinion, etc. Edited December 17, 2008 by joannqn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A home for their hearts Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 What problems are you having with them? I don't believe in formulaic or unrelated or punitive discipline. But I've been thru those ages with mine and countless others. They just don't listen to me and seem like lack any kind of respect for me. I almost always have to tell them more than once to do something. They goof off when they are suppose to be doing schoolwork. They don't pick up after themselves so I'm constantly having to tell them to come pick up something, and when I do this they whine about it. They usually can play pretty well together but there are times when they get into it because one of them isn't listening to the others feelings about a certain situtaion or just doesn't care. I know all of this has to do with the lack of discipline they've had over the years. I've had issues myself with disciplining them, feeling guilty, not knowing what was the 'right' thing to do etc. so I just ended up doing nothing and now I'm paying the price. I'm not as close to them as I used to be either. There's been a lot of stress in my family the last few years and I've been fighting on and off with depression which has made it really hard to do anything consistently. A lot of things right now are just out of my hands. I know I need to reconnect with each of them. I will look into some of the book suggestions mentioned here. When I look back over the past 3 years I really wish I could do them over again. It just seems like we have drifted apart. I used to read to them at bedtime and that hasn't happened in a long time. I just don't have the energy to spend time with them. This is something that I have been trying really hard to work on. The older two have really missed out on me a lot since the younger two are so demanding. I could go on and on! Thanks for all the advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I have an 8 year old son and we have many of the same issues. I'm looking forward to reading Joanne's reply. Joanne, when is your book going to be ready? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coralloyd Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Creative Correction by Lisa Welchel has a million and one ideas you may disagree with some of them but there are so many to choose from, one is bound to work. Each chapter ends with A "tool box" full of ideas categorized by the action of your child (EX. attitude, complaining, lying, hurting others), there is more than one idea for each. However It is not just punishment, there is a chapter on Scripture to share for each offence. There is Chapter on Stories to share that teach a lesson, again listed by offence. There is even a chapter on Rewards that help keeps them fom the offences. One of my favorites is- they are complaining about going to bed, they want to stay up late. Well let them do just that "stay up", have them stand in one place in the middle of the room for as long they want to ;). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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