Parenting advice appreciated

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, hjffkj said:

He had another issue yesterday with impulsive behavior that was not physical and really wasn't a big deal at all, he just got defensive when the offended party said 'I'm gonna tell on you.'  So, to him it was, when mom calls me over I'm going to be in trouble so I better get defensive about the whole thing. It was actually really good that the issues happened so close together because the previous incident was so fresh in his mind.  Usually we only have an issue maybe once a week or biweekly, again not always of a physical nature.  So, like I said the impulsive behavior isn't the major issue, when I posted it certainly felt like the biggest issue.  The major issue is his response to being called out on it.

How do you expect him to react to being called out on his mistakes/wrong-doing? Being defensive seems like a very normal response to me, even if it's not the most desirable response from a parent point of view. If his defensive response is really inappropriate, there's physical aggression that is occurring, or if he screams and yells and throw things then give him more appropriate venues to vent those feelings/urges. The talking and discussion can happen after he gets the "AHHH" energy out. 

It's a piece that I think a lot of mainstream/popular positive parenting people don't address. A lot of the examples and kids they talk about just need the cuddles and affection from their parents to deal with negative emotion. There are some children with a different personality whose reaction might be aggression or need to do an action, in that case (at least with my own child) they need to finish getting that emotional energy out before they can engage with you in snuggles. The time that the "need for action" child takes to let the "AHH" energy out looks a lot like a time-out punishment, the only they get to leave on their own timetable, which is when they get calmer.

3 hours ago, hjffkj said:

To address the physical impulsive behavior he eventually expressed that he misses sparring and wrestling with dh as much as he used too.  So, dh started doing that with him again and his siblings and him have been doing it with each other.  For those that don't know, we all do martial arts so it isn't just random rough housing.  It is timed rounds with perimeters within the round, like a round of only punches or drills where your specifically trying to tap someone's shoulders. They aren't allowed to rough house because someone always gets hurt and angry when it isn't controlled.

You never need to explain away rough housing. Personally, I believe random rough housing is important for kids. We set up rules (and obviously we get my son specific friends to do it with because not everyone is on board), a lot of consent teaching in rough housing and a lot of listening and paying attention to "no"s. To be absolutely honest, having peers to rough house with has been immensely helpful in teaching my kid to be cognizant of when someone is done with an activity or didn't want to start to begin with. We have rules to keep the kids from needing to needing the emergency room or destroying property, but they do get hurt and upset. The hurt and upset gets better as they get better at listening to each other.      

[ktgrok]

Truly, his reaction is really really really normal. That said, if it is causing problems, normal doesn't mean acceptable, you know? I think what would really help is to both emphasize your OWN mistakes a LOT - out loud in front of him, and push that making a mistake or wrong choice isn't the same as being a bad person. 

And then try role playing with the whole family. Yes, you will get eye rolls, but it really helps to practice in a silly way what to do when someone says, "I'm telling" or "you hurt me" or whatever. 

[katilac]

9 hours ago, hjffkj said:

I do not view it negatively.  I do think it will impact our family negatively with a no touching without expressed consent rule because not all of my children are good at asking people things.  I don't know how to explain that better.  But I know some kids will go without that hug or cuddle they so desperately need/want simply because there is a wall in their brain when it comes to verbally asking a question.  It is something I have actively worked to fix with my kids who struggle with it and some are farther on that journey than others.  

I think if the impulsive behavior was strictly of a physical nature I would be more willing to address it by implementing the rule.  But that rule wouldn't help with the impulse to repeat a word over and over again while having a discussion with someone, without knowing why you're doing it.   The real problem is acting on impulses before even registering why your doing it.

Bolding by me: even disregarding the impulsiveness, these two things would have me scheduling evaluations. You need to know why these things are happening. 

[Janeway]

I think he should be punished. If you don't do it, society will eventually.

I also agree with getting him evaluated. My child with ADHD and ASD does this. It happens a lot.  He needs clear consequences. He needs to know exactly what is expected of him and what will happen if he does this. He also needs a lot of positive statements...as in, ones telling him what he can do more than ones that tell him what he cannot do. We do role playing too. He also has to be told to consider him having done to him whatever he has done.  But, not giving consequences to him sends a clear message to his siblings that they matter less and/or that they just have to be the victims. They have a right to be stood up for and to be heard too. Simply talking to your son is not doing it and even if you keep just talking to him each time, his siblings will not "feel heard" in that you only give him a talking to each time.