Help me with answering these type questions please

[Hoggirl]

On 11/15/2021 at 1:11 PM, livetoread said:

Now that my folks have entered their early 80s, they are much more worried about being an inconvenience. They aren't - nothing has changed really (so far so good) - but their perception of their own abilities is much more fragile. They know they are only going downhill from here, and they are reminded of it in so many little ways all the time, so I think they see the future and their dependency on me and worry. Communication has gotten more vague as their concerns have grown. It's hard.

I’m just going to say that the exact opposite has been true for my mil.  She became and has remained extremely entitled since turning 80.  She made a BIG deal about turning 80.  Says her age (now 82) out loud to lots of different folks - “Well, I’m 80 years old!!!” She has gotten much more demanding and selfish. She is not vague/veiled in her communicating at all.  

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, Hoggirl said:

I’m just going to say that the exact opposite has been true for my mil.  She became and has remained extremely entitled since turning 80.  She made a BIG deal about turning 80.  Says her age (now 82) out loud to lots of different folks - “Well, I’m 80 years old!!!” She has gotten much more demanding and selfish. She is not vague/veiled in her communicating at all.  

My MIL is the same but she's always been that way.  And she bitches that no one ever contacts her but when we point out that she can initiate contact she says that she's the older one and everyone should make the effort to keep in touch with her.  She's rather complain than actually do anything about it.  Meanwhile, she has no relationship with any of her grandkids.  

[sassenach]

I used to do this to DH. Drove him crazy. I've learned to be more direct. Mostly I was just trying to not inconvenience him/work around what he was already doing. 

[MerryAtHope]

On 11/15/2021 at 8:39 AM, Scarlett said:

My mom, whom I love dearly, asks me questions in a way that drives me bonkers.  Here are two examples----via text.

'Have you picked up groceries yet?'  To clarify, I had not talked to her all day, she had no knowledge of my grocery buying plans for the week, much less that day.  And what does 'yet' mean?  I had picked up the day before but I will pick up groceries again, but to cut to the chase I can surmise that she probably needs something and I am MORE than willing to drop everything and run to the store for her.  So I thought about it for a minute and said, 'do you need me to get something for you?'  (she did and I got it for her)  Later she made mention that she couldn't even get me to answer if I had picked up groceries yet.....but I just want her to ask for what she needs/wants and let me decide if I can accomplish it for her. Am I being weird?

Yesterday at 3 pm, via text she says 'Do you have dinner planned?'  So I just answered 'yes.'  Later I called her and she said, 'well, I was going to make pork chops and have you guys come for dinner, but you already have plans'.  I said, 'mom, are you inviting us to dinner? Because we can put off our plan for making dinner.'  Again, she acts like I am weird and say, 'no I was just talking about making pork chops for no reason.'  Dh was listening and just said, 'sure we can come for dinner' and so we did and it was great. 

I just don't know how to deal with vague questions about my plans.  I really want to be a good and kind human and daughter.  How to I communicate with her without bossing her around about how to communicate with me?  I want to say, 'please just ask what you want to ask without trying to determine what I have planned already.'

 

I would answer, “Actually I do need a couple of things. Can I pick something up for you?” It doesn’t matter if you actually need groceries that day or not. You always need a couple of things, and you may or may not happen to get them at the same time that you get things for her. Answering that way relieves her of the burden of thinking she imposed on you.

For the dinner plans, I would say “I did think about what I could make tonight, but I could easily make it another night. We’re always open to changing our plans! Did you have something in mind?” Or, “Actually our plans are flexible tonight. Did you have something in mind?” Or even “l’m not sure yet. What are you thinking for dinner?” Because if you’re flexible and you’re willing to go over to her house for dinner after 3 o’clock invitation, then it’s really true that you’re not sure yet, lol! Again it relieves her of the burden of feeling like she’s imposing on you or that you have some kind of plan that she would be interrupting.