How do I handle this santa situation? Or maybe it's a MIL situation?

[snickelfritz]

And before you read, I'm not being judgemental over the way anyone approaches santa. We've just adopted what works for us.

 

 

We had kind of decided to take a -not necessarily tell them he's not real, but also not lie to them-approach. We read holiday stories about santa, take pictures, etc... but if they ask if he's real....we just say he's a fun part of Christmas, but it's someone dressed up.

 

Fine. At this point, dd(5) knows he is not real. Don't know that dd(3) has put that much thought into it.

 

MIL called to ask if she could send the girls the "letter from santa" that she sends to all of the grandkids. I said yes. She would have been ahead, if she hadn't gone into talking about people who have hangups over calling it lying and it's just part of childhood. Kids can tell the difference. Blah. Blah. Blah.

 

NOW, I don't really want to do the letter. The more I've thought about it, the more it goes too far into perpetuating it. Am I just cranky? She was obviously referring to what we have done.

[Julie in Austin]

I think the easiest solution is this: at some point (either when she gets the letter if MIL isn't there or--if MIL is there--sometime later when MIL isn't around) you can say something like, "isn't it fun that MIL sent you this letter pretending to be from Santa? It can be a lot of fun to pretend. Do you want to pretend that we're having a tea party now?"

 

Which is to say: I don't think this is worth alienating MIL over, but I, too, don't like to participate in the Santa thing.

[jplain]

You didn't promise your MIL that you'd swear up and down that it was really from Santa, did you? I'd just treat it as another holiday story, in letter form instead of a book.

 

Or maybe this would be a good opportunity to examine the anatomy of a letter and learn about postmarks, assuming of course that MIL doesn't live at the North Pole. ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

(I am SO APPRECIATIVE of my MIL, and never more so than when I read posts about others. She is just a loving person with appropriate boundaries in place, and I love her to death.)

 

I had a cranky answer written out that I deleted, and then saw the other two posts who said the same thing but not as crankily. So I defer to them.

 

I don't know whether your MIL is defensive or judgemental in saying what she did, but that would color the way I might or might not talk to her about it. (With the kids I would follow the advice already given.) If I thought that she was judgemental, I would probably say something bland about how fun it is to pretend with the kids but that of course they know the difference between pretense and reality. That's about it. If it was defensive/sheepish, I would reassure her that I'm glad that she has customs that she enjoys sharing with the kids, and that I am sure she won't mind that I'm going to let them know that the letter is from her because that will make it all the more special to them.

[74Heaven]

Fine. At this point, dd(5) knows he is not real. Don't know that dd(3) has put that much thought into it.

 

MIL called to ask if she could send the girls the "letter from santa" that she sends to all of the grandkids. I said yes. She would have been ahead, if she hadn't gone into talking about people who have hangups over calling it lying and it's just part of childhood. Kids can tell the difference. Blah. Blah. Blah.

 

Unless MIL is a horrid woman who looks very every oppty to undermine you/dh's parenting; I would totally let this go. And we are more "against" Santa then most :().

 

I would just ignore MIL's blather at the end (and hey, we all do this sometimes when we are making an uncomfortable call or one where we think there might be resistance, blather on about something that is of no use to the conversation) and thank her for asking first. That was respectful. IF dh has an issue over the Santa letter, let him politely talk to his mother.

 

My general thought is that you will "battle" the "Santa thing" for the rest of your parenting lives in various degrees.

 

Stick to what is important at your house; continue to explain Santa exactly what he is (maybe even let Grandma know that you will be telling them she is the author - or not, just tell the kids "someone wrote this because they thought you would think it was fun to pretend Santa writes letters).

 

With kids 16 to 6yo, we have not made a big deal of Santa but explain that other (fine) people do otherwise and that is there concern, not mine. The culture is so "real" that it has taken numerous instances to cement in their mind that he *really is not real*.

 

HTH - really, in law relationships are too fragile to worry about little things that have little, real lasting effect. In my mind, this is one of those things (Santa) that you will find lots of ways to explain the Santa celebrations.

 

lisaj, mom to 5, ages 16 to 6

Edited December 9, 2008 by 74Heaven
typos

[WTMCassandra]

Sounds like a MIL situation to me. Perhaps it bothers you because it's not the first snarky comment about your parenting? If so, then there are some feelings that you should deal with so they don't snowball on you. And then, perhaps a bit of boundary-setting from your DH to his mother would be in order, such as, "Our parenting choices are just that--our own. If you have a concern, please discuss it with ME."

 

I think Santa just happens to be the topic at hand. The real problem seems to be possible disrespect for your parenting decisions.

[snickelfritz]

the response that I was cooking up.:D

 

I actually do have a good relationship with my MIL, so I definitely don't want this issue to create problems.

 

 

ETA: I do think sometimes I am hyper-sensitive when she does the occasional boundary-cross. If a friend had said it, I don't know that it would have bothered me AS much. Of course, they're also not mailing the letter. Luckily, my dh does support me on things.

Edited December 9, 2008 by snickelfritz

[mazakaal]

I think the easiest solution is this: at some point (either when she gets the letter if MIL isn't there or--if MIL is there--sometime later when MIL isn't around) you can say something like, "isn't it fun that MIL sent you this letter pretending to be from Santa? It can be a lot of fun to pretend. Do you want to pretend that we're having a tea party now?"

 

Which is to say: I don't think this is worth alienating MIL over, but I, too, don't like to participate in the Santa thing.

 

This is exactly what I was going to say.

 

Don't mention anything about it to MIL. But at an opportune time, tell the kids how much fun MIL is that she did something so much fun to send a letter from Santa.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Unless your children actively go through the mail looking for stuff mailed to them, I'd just not give them the letter. You told MIL that it was o.k. to send it. Will she check in with the kids to see if they read it? (I also think the suggestion to read it to them as a pretend story is a good one.)