Question, but mostly a vent about a sick friend

[Farrar]

I have a friend who is essentially dying of colon cancer right now. The cancer has spread. She's absolutely miserable. She has a little girl and a very... rocky marriage with a frustrating man. And some very overprivileged older parents. Because she lives in a very small third/fourth floor walkup, she's been staying with the parents out in the exurbs long term since surgery so I haven't seen her in awhile. The husband and little girl are out there now but I'm very unclear what the long term plan is. They don't seem to be capable of thinking ahead, honestly. While her mobility should continue to improve, she not expected to truly get better. They are saying she has 1-2 years to live, though even that sounds optimistic when I hear how much pain she's in on a daily basis.

The question is... she complains about the food constantly. She says she's supposed to eat small meals heavy in protein but is not "allowed" to have her own food at her parents (she's in her 50's for goodness sake). Among other things, she had a colostomy. Are there possibly dietary restrictions that she's simply not understanding that the family is adhering to? As friends, we offered to come bring her little mini- vegetarian meals that were high protein. Initially she wanted us to, but then afterward she said not to because her father said she can't have them in the house. I know in the past that her family are big meat eaters and she's a strict vegetarian and this has caused issues in the past on vacations, etc. where they were inflexible. But maybe there's more to all this. We only have her side. It seems so bonkers. But given the history, also not impossible. I mean, I can't imagine thinking that when they're dying and miserable would be the time to seize on to control my kid's diet to be what I think it should be. But they have sounded like very controlling, horrible people to me in the past - though she always tried to normalize what I thought was some very odd behavior.

The vent is just... I hate everything about this. I hate that she's miserable. I hate that she seems to have almost no agency about her life right now. That would be my greatest nightmare - to not only be dying, but to additionally have my power to make decisions about how I do that taken away. I hate that no one seems to be helping her plan ways to say goodbye to her very sweet little girl. I hate that she's not at home so none of us can see her easily. She's currently being taken on a beach vacation that she doesn't want to go on and she was complaining to another friend that they did not plan ahead to find a hospital nearby in case she needs one, which was just astounding to me... but again, can it possibly really be this bad? It strains credulity. 

[Innisfree]

No advice, just ugh. That's so terribly sad. As to whether it could really be that bad... I know nothing about the progression of colon cancer, but people do sometimes astound me with their awfulness. I'm so sorry she's in that situation, both the cancer and the parental control, if that's what it turns out to be.

[Katy]

She may have dietary restrictions for her own comfort, but it sounds like she’s never had any boundaries and she won’t enforce them now.  There is no reason you can’t make her favorite foods and bring them to her.  If she’s stage 4 she may not be able to eat much anyway.  But what are her parents going to do?  Yell at you for bringing a dying daughter her favorite foods?  Do it anyway and don’t apologize. 

[BlsdMama]

People do not respect autonomy. 
 

Look how we sometimes talk about aging parents, even here... as though they’re children. I despise having decisions made in my “best interests.” Thanks - no cognitive impairments here, quite capable of deciding what I want to do. 
 

i think her scenario is a bit more extreme, but largely, even well meaning and thoughtful people absolutely run over the slowly dying... because after all, they’re doing them a “favor” by caring for them.  ... And it’s not that they aren’t, and it’s not that the sick person isn’t grateful, but a thinking capable adult should still be given respectful self authority. 
 

 

[Farrar]

Definitely to the lack of boundaries. I think the parents have continued to finance things throughout her life - she and her dh have very little. And she has acquiesced to them when she's around them and then walked away to just do whatever she wants to do when they're not there. She told a story about a trip to Hawaii with her parents a few years ago when her sweet dd was very little. They made it so hard for her to do little kid appropriate things. They essentially ordered food for her so she ended up eating nothing but salad for much of the trip. She's all focused on how pretty it was, but I'm like, they did what now?!? 

[Spryte]

That sounds rather nightmare-ish. I’m so sorry your friend is in that situation, and helpless to change things.

Maybe you can take her some of her preferred foods to nibble on while you visit?  If she’s well enough to go out, maybe take her to lunch? (I know she might not be well enough for that, but IME sometimes there’s a day in the treatment cycle that is better than others, and we could plan for that day, taking along a wheelchair.) 

In the planning department, even though that was a vent and doesn’t need a response, maybe it’s remotely possible that you could just hang out with her and give the opportunity for those types of talks to arise?  You can’t exactly plan, but you can listen to what she might want and just be witness to what she has to say.  

I’m so sorry.  It must be hard to see this happening.

[Farrar]

She definitely had some cognitive issues after surgery when she was in the ICU recovering, but as far as I know, no cognitive issues persisting.

She's one of those people who I've had conversations with where I suddenly realize she has a disconnected understanding of things from me. Like, that her expectations about the world are different from mine somehow. She's very sweet and understanding and kind and also smart and thoughtful. But also, sort of ditzy and slightly naïve. I don't know how else to describe it. She grew up very privileged - think uber wealthy, connected parents, prep school education. But is now a very alternative sort of person - she lives in co-housing devoted to environmental living and rides a bike everywhere (at least, before all this).