resources to help family member with alcoholic parent

[Tree Frog]

I have a family member who grew up with an alcoholic parent. I believe this family member is struggling with some things related to how fm grew up. Does anyone have any resources/articles I could read now to help fm? I'd prefer something I can read on my phone as fm would be upset I'm researching the topic. They don't believe the parent's alcoholism has affected them at all. Thanks for your help!

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, OKBud said:

This is the finding a meeting page, but poke around the website.

https://adultchildren.org/resources/find-a-meeting/

Adult children of alcoholics. I know someone who is once-removed... As in her mother was the child of the alcoholic, and she got a lot out of the program too.

Thank you! I'll look through there.

[marbel]

I was the child of an alcoholic parent.  I saw a personal counselor a few times, which I know is not helpful for you if your family member doesn't see a problem. The reason I'm posting is - the counselor led me to do some reading on super-responsible children/young adults. That was the most helpful for me. Might not be helpful for you, depending on what you are seeing in your family member but just thought I'd put it out there.  I don't remember any specific resources; it's been many years.  

(I also went to a few al-anon meetings but I did not find them particularly useful.)

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

I was the child of an alcoholic parent.  I saw a personal counselor a few times, which I know is not helpful for you if your family member doesn't see a problem. The reason I'm posting is - the counselor led me to do some reading on super-responsible children/young adults. That was the most helpful for me. Might not be helpful for you, depending on what you are seeing in your family member but just thought I'd put it out there.  I don't remember any specific resources; it's been many years.  

(I also went to a few al-anon meetings but I did not find them particularly useful.)

I suggested counseling a few times. Family member's response was that they should be smart enough to figure out their own problems. Fm tends to be super (over) responsible and gets angry when others don't do the same. 

As the child of an alcoholic, do you have any suggestions or insight for the spouse of a child of an alcoholic?

 

[Sunshine State Sue]

Both dh and I are children of alcoholics.  We both found ACA meetings extremely helpful, but we attended meetings with strict guidelines.  Counseling is/was super expensive and not as helpful for me.  I am the over-responsible one.  Dh is responsible, but not overly responsible.  On my way out, may try to post more later.

[EKS]

My grandparents were both alcoholics, and my mom has found ACA helpful as well.

[73349]

*hugs*

Edited October 2, 2020 by Carolina Wren

[Tree Frog]

33 minutes ago, whitehawk said:

It might be helpful for the person to recognize this as part of the mental "survival training" of having been in a difficult environment long-term. If I'm smart, I can figure out how to avoid [negative events]; by contrast, If something bad happened, [person] had it coming, because that's what you get when you don't prevent [negative events]. And what I've nicknamed Javertisme: I worked my way into better circumstances, so everybody should be able to. You should know you can't afford to do anything stupid

That is very interesting. I hadn't connected the dots. 

I'm not sure fm would be able to separate their thoughts well enough to recognize the connection to their childhood. 

I really appreciate the insight you all are giving me. Thank you.

[marbel]

I think Whitehawk really nailed it.

Just as the alcoholic person does not believe they need help, their children often think they don't need help either. When I suggested counseling to a sibling, they became angry with me. Just as our father had become angry when it was suggested he needed help.  I didn't seek therapy for that myself either, but was in marriage counseling; when it was obvious the marriage wasn't workable, I stuck around and the therapist uncovered a lot.  

I am not sure what advice I have for a spouse. If any insights come to mind, I will speak up. I may ask my husband what he observed about me/my family. (Though we met after my father had died, so he did not experience him first hand.)  My husband's family does not have alcoholism but they have been damaging in other ways. It took him many years of living away from them to figure that out, and again, it was a result of counseling for another matter.  I think all counseling comes down to parent/family issues, doesn't it? 

Another thought is that not all alcoholics look/act alike, and people often make assumptions about the family that are just wrong. My father never missed work, never got into fights, wasn't physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive, didn't blow the rent money on booze. He was just a quiet, desperate drunk who simply didn't feel right when he had not had several drinks. I have very fond memories mixed in with the bad ones. My mother expressed the same. So one piece of advice I guess I  have is not to make assumptions about what the spouse experienced, unless of course you have seen it.  (I don't presume you do make assumptions, just saying that people so often do.)

ETA: I suppose just by the nature of alcoholism, he was emotionally abusive, what I mean is that he was not a "mean" drunk, he loved us all and we knew it, he took care of us the best way he knew how (financially), he gave us a strong work ethic -- he had  a lot of good characteristics. My life was not all a horror show, which is what most people assume when I say I had an alcoholic parent.

Edited April 9, 2020 by marbel

[Sunshine State Sue]

4 hours ago, wilrunner said:

Family member's response was that they should be smart enough to figure out their own problems.

I have some of this attitude.  I am 1 of 8 siblings.  We are all intelligent and educated, and I do think that helps.  We are all fairly responsible and functional adults (so far), but I do wonder who will carry the torch.  Df was a functional alcoholic.  When I started attending ACA meetings, I thought many people were really messed up, and I didn't feel at home right away.  But, I had my own issues that I needed to work on, maybe not as many as others, so I stayed and learned how to address my defects of character.

My over-responsibility comes from the need to control the outcome.  Also, wanting desperately to make the right choices.  Maybe some from growing up Catholic as well.  I realized over time that I got angry with people for 2 reasons:  either they were stepping on me or they were not doing what I wanted them to do (I could not control them).  I realized in the first case, I needed to not allow people to step on me.  In the second case, I had no control over others, and I had to let it go.  The Serenity Prayer helped me here.

If you want to PM me, I could email you some material.

[Sunshine State Sue]

A functional family is a family of origin that basically equips a child with the emotional, intellectual, and relationship skills to deal with life as an adolescent and as an adult.

• ·        Emotional – recognize what I feel, put labels on my feelings, and tell other people what I feel.  Conversely, I have the capacity to care about what others feel, to listen to their feelings and respond.

• ·        Intellectual – think clearly and accurately without major denial;  how to see reality more or less for what it is.

• ·        Relationship – relate in a productive manner with other human beings in relationships

These notes comes from a lecture I listened to by Terence Gorski.  I have never read any of his books, but his lecture made a huge impact on me.  It put into words vague ideas in my head and helped me pinpoint the work I needed to do.  He went on to discuss the characteristics of dysfunctional relationships, the characteristics of functional relationships, and the steps to move from unhealthy to healthy relationships
 

[Selkie]

Here are a couple books that helped me:

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/0757315135/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/0345345940/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

 

 

[Tree Frog]

2 hours ago, Sue in St Pete said:

My over-responsibility comes from the need to control the outcome.  Also, wanting desperately to make the right choices

I believe this describes my dfm very much. They very much want to be a good person. They also like control of everything around them, which has led to difficulties as their children grow into adulthood.

Pming you now. Thank you.

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, Selkie said:

Here are a couple books that helped me:

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/0757315135/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/0345345940/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

 

 

Thank you. I will look them up.

[Liz CA]

What Sue said makes perfect sense and we see it frequently with children of addicts. When life was chaotic, they often vow to have very controlled, structured lives. A little structure is a good thing but when someone doesn't realize that s/he cannot control other people - this is usually where the problem starts.

Several books by a variety of authors:  https://www.verywellmind.com/books-for-adult-children-of-alcoholics-66600

Edited April 9, 2020 by Liz CA

[G5052]

Celebrate Recovery is an evangelical Christian group that can be helpful too. My mother had mental health and addiction issues, and it's been very helpful for me. I have had therapy but couldn't afford it any longer. 

Whatever recovery group the person tries, it's important to note that every group has its own character and culture. If one group seems like a poor fit, there might be another that is better. Some are larger, some are small. Some are mostly older people, and some are more mixed. 

[Tree Frog]

9 hours ago, Liz CA said:

someone doesn't realize that s/he cannot control other people - this is usually where the problem starts.

Dfm will say they know they can't control other people, but sometimes they still try. Yes, that is where many problems are.

How does one distinguish between ACA behaviours and personality traits? Is there a difference or are the traits determined by the parent's alcoholism?

[Tree Frog]

3 hours ago, G5052 said:

Celebrate Recovery

Thank you. I'll look into this.

[Tree Frog]

23 hours ago, OKBud said:

Adult children of alcoholics. I know someone who is once-removed... As in her mother was the child of the alcoholic, and she got a lot out of the program too.

I'm starting to speak with dfm's children and suggesting they might be interested in looking into it, too.

From the website you recommended, I read something about the "stunned silence", then being enraged. That is something dfm has used frequently. It felt foreign to me, but I wouldn't have connected it directly to the parent's alcoholism.

[Tree Frog]

I'm trying to be respectful of dfm and not over share. Dfm is a good person and does their best, but I've noticed some patterns with family and co-workers over the years and have wondered what the connection with their childhood is. You all are helping me make that connection. This person also seems to be in a better place as far as being willing to listen to what others tell them, so it might be something I gently broach in the near future.

I'm usually on my phone when I'm reading and responding, so if my responses seem odd, that could be why. It's easier for me to read and I generally type out better responses on the computer, but I don't have easy private access. I very much appreciate all your thoughts, resources, and personal experiences. If anyone would prefer to pm me, please feel free. Thank you for all your insight.

[Tree Frog]

9 hours ago, Liz CA said:

Several books by a variety of authors:  https://www.verywellmind.com/books-for-adult-children-of-alcoholics-66600

Thank you for this list.

[Sunshine State Sue]

re: need to control

Although my df was the alcoholic, I feel that my control issues stem more from dm.  Maybe it was her personality.  Maybe it was her way of controlling what she could (her dc vs her dh).  I dunno.

Dm converted to born again christianity when I was a teenager.  I feel the need to say that df never told me I had to pick up a drink, but dm told me plenty that I needed to believe what she believed or I would burn in the fires of hell for all eternity.  Df never tried to control, but dm definitely did.  So, does my defect of character (ie.control) stem from the alcoholism or the co-dependent?  Maybe just the overall system. <shrug>