if you've parented a teen/adult with special needs

[Wheres Toto]

I see a lot more people here (on the boards) saying they don't plan to help their kids with college, or buying a car, then I see in real life.  Around here you are more likely to see the opposite - parents buying the kid a $$ car for their 17th birthday, paying for expensive private universities, (bailing them out of legal problems), etc.

I always feel slightly left out in both groups because we do help my completely neuro-typical oldest dd quite a bit, but not to the extent many who live around here around here do (partially because we just can't afford that).  We bought her a car at 17, but it was a used car - not crappy for safety reasons but far from new, we helped with college expenses quite a bit - not just tuition and fees but ongoing expenses.  She's 24 now and she lives rent-free with my mother and we still occasionally bail her out if she needs extra money.  But we've also both benefited from our parents helping us out, sometimes even now.  I was raised that helping out was what families do.

Edited August 5, 2018 by Where's Toto?

[ktgrok]

2 hours ago, mumto2 said:

 

Your kid needs to see how to do it and you are showing him.  

Wow, what a great way to frame it! He has ALWAYS needed explicit instruction in life skills, versus picking them up on his own. Not sure why I thought this would be different. 

3 minutes ago, Where's Toto? said:

  But we've also both benefited from our parents helping us out, sometimes even now.  I was raised that helping out was what families do.

Good point! That's my family culture too. My grandparents often gifted my parents money when I was little, and helped pay for things for us grandkids, etc. Heck, My dad sometimes borrowed money from my uncle when he had to (his twin). And then my parents have helped me financially when I was starting out and young, and they also help with grandkid expenses sometimes, and helped pay for my sister's divorce lawyer, and babysit for free for her kids constantly, and let me move in with them for 2 years after I got divorced. It IS my family culture to help however you can. It s NOT my DH's family culture, at least not his immediate family, so sometimes I forget how much my family helped me. 

Not in the same ways, but still. 

And on a good note, he has volunteered 471 hours at the avian rehab center since he started on 11/29! That's the most out of any volunteer there! So he CAN do well. But I nagged him to find a volunteer job for months and he didn't do it, only when I sat him down with the contact information for three places, that I'd picked for him, and made him go to one did anything happen. I'm thinking a job is going to be the same. 

As someone here said (and I forget who, I'm sorry) the goal now is to have him do a good job wherever he lands, later down the road we can work on the skill of getting a job without so much help. I think that will be easier once he has had success. 

[ktgrok]

So not career related, but big "yay" today! I asked what he was doing today and he said he had a dermatologist appointment at 3pm. Y'all - he scheduled t himself!!!! Last week he mentioned wanting to go, and I messaged him the contact info, then forgot about it. I honestly figured I'd have to schedule t myself, and even told him I would if he would prefer that. Then forgot (yes, he comes by the EF issues honestly!) and was going to call today, only to find out he already handled it. ON HIS OWN!!!!

If you have ANY familiarity with EF issues, not to mention Aspies, you know following through and calling a doctor to make an appointment is a huge thing!!!! 

[Daria]

48 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

So not career related, but big "yay" today! I asked what he was doing today and he said he had a dermatologist appointment at 3pm. Y'all - he scheduled t himself!!!! Last week he mentioned wanting to go, and I messaged him the contact info, then forgot about it. I honestly figured I'd have to schedule t myself, and even told him I would if he would prefer that. Then forgot (yes, he comes by the EF issues honestly!) and was going to call today, only to find out he already handled it. ON HIS OWN!!!!

If you have ANY familiarity with EF issues, not to mention Aspies, you know following through and calling a doctor to make an appointment is a huge thing!!!! 

 

That is huge!  Managing prescriptions and doctor's appointments is probably my biggest worry as my kid heads off to college.

[Carrie12345]

Having just gotten into quite a... loud discussion with my stb20yo aspie, I’m in a similar boat! Except mine thinks my advice is nearly useless and my scaffolding is unnecessary and annoying. Which is just lovely, considering he moved here from his dad’s for support and guidance. 

Unfortunately, he has not yet learned from years of magical thinking that didn’t pan out. 

(I’m sorry that wasn’t helpful. I just needed to not feel alone in a world of “normals” who might not understand!)

[ktgrok]

11 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Having just gotten into quite a... loud discussion with my stb20yo aspie, I’m in a similar boat! Except mine thinks my advice is nearly useless and my scaffolding is unnecessary and annoying. Which is just lovely, considering he moved here from his dad’s for support and guidance. 

Unfortunately, he has not yet learned from years of magical thinking that didn’t pan out. 

(I’m sorry that wasn’t helpful. I just needed to not feel alone in a world of “normals” who might not understand!)

Totally get it. We have definitely had our times (and will again I'd bet) of him not wanting any help but also incapable of doing it without help. Actually, you just described our entire homeschooling adventure, pretty much. Sigh. 

Basically, if I tried to help he'd not do it and say it was because he was mad that I tried to help and was being controlling. 

If I didn't help, he wouldn't do it because well, he has executive function issues and so wasn't able to follow through. 

Then I'd try to help again and we'd repeat the cycle. 

I THINK what is sort of working better is to offer help (a lot) but act like I don't care if he takes it. Like, with the doctor's appointment. But surely once I think something works it will stop working, lol. 

Right now, I have a neighbor willing to let him walk and train her dog so he can get experience, and I have a professional trainer who also does career consulting for new dog trainers willing to do a free Skype session with him, and a local trainer that will let him come out and shadow, and he has made no moves forward. I have flat out asked several times if he is ACTUALLY interested as I do NOT want to push or put my energy into it if he isn't, and he swears he is. We will see. He was sick yesterday, a bit better today. 

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

Unfortunately, he has not yet learned from years of magical thinking that didn’t pan out. 

I wish someone would invent some anti-magical thinking spray, lol! 

[kbutton]

On 8/5/2018 at 8:42 AM, Ktgrok said:

And on a good note, he has volunteered 471 hours at the avian rehab center since he started on 11/29! That's the most out of any volunteer there!

That's fantastic! 

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

I wish someone would invent some anti-magical thinking spray, lol! 

 

Ah, but how would we make them use it?!?!

[kbutton]

10 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

 

Ah, but how would we make them use it?!?!

Well, at least when their in our home, we could diffuse it or spray it on their pillows. ?