How would you respond to this situation?

[gardenmom5]

re personal space:

 

He was pushy and he knows he was deliberately provoking you. This is not the time to be “nice†or subtle. Pull out your most authoritative scary mommy voice. Step away from him and tell him you need more personal space. No matter what he says next, simply repeat. If you need to feel like you are being nice or polite, then say it with a steely smile.

 

And also, tell your husband that this guy has set off your creep-o-meter. You don’t normally complain about men, so he better pay attention when you are uncomfortable. Period.

 

this.  you are not required the shake anyone's hand just because they stick it out.   especially one who is very in your face.

do practice scripts for the future.

-excuse me, I see someone I need to talk to.  and walk away.  or even just an "excuse me" (delivered with a firm/hard stare and NO smile) - and walk away.

this guy is deliberately trying to provoke you. .. he is NOT a "nice guy", and considering how many people have talked to him previously - he can't claim being unaware.

 

I would have said "no" with no explanation. But I've never been one to do something I didn't want to do.

 

I personally see nothing wrong with not shaking someone's hands while shaking other people's hands. I regularly see the same group of friends, 2 of them get hugs, the rest do not. Different kind of relationships call for different interactions.

this.

 

 Acting on the sense that you are personally unsafe is *essential* and should never be squished by Ms. Manners! Case 2 is only for use if you are perfectly safe.

 

 miss manners would never advocate not extricating yourself from a situation that makes you feel threatened.

 

and princess mommy - you DO feel threatened.  he's in your personal space, you are very uncomfortable being around him. you feel creeped out by someone who is repeatedly violating your personal space. 

please take your "gift of fear" - seriously.

 

Bolt.. 

 

I've spent some time pondering your post.  I feel this is hard to answer because I don't think this person is a danger (physical), but this person has a pushy and controlling personality.  So I try to keep my distance because most interactions with him he is trying to dictate things (including monologueing at nauseum).    But, I feel like my last interchange went beyond being an annoying personality.  He definitely knows how I feel about him... he was trying to provoke a reaction or response from me.  At the very least I felt that it was rude.  He was definitely not going to walk away until I shook his hand.

 

My experience with this person is that he doesn't really listen to direction or criticism.  He has been told repeatedly not to do something (trying to be vague) and continues to do it.  This includes several leaders and our priest.  I was actually one of the first people to tell him this was a problem and he immediately made excuses and tried to make it sound like it was *my* problem.  Okay, fair enough - there was some room for personal preferences with this issue.. but then other complaints came in.  Still no listening or respecting others suggestions.

 

Anyway, not trying to give away the whole boring story, but through this experience I knew I wanted to keep him at arms length.

 

So yes, he's very irritating.  He's not a danger... but I also felt like he's crossing a line by trying to push me (as if he's trying to *make* me be his friend.)  I don't know if that helps clarify it. or not.. Your post has helped me to think a bit deeper than just my initial reaction.

 

practice scripts. he is deliberately trying to bait you.  you do not "owe" him a handshake.  I would stare him in the eyes with NO smile, put my hand behind my back - say "excuse me", and walk away.  you've gotten some good suggestions of what to say.   if it attracts attention of others, so be it.  it will be less favorable for him than you think.  

 

you said he's been told repeatedly to knock off his behavior,  (I assume by your priest?) - but does it anyway.  this is someone who does NOT respect other people.  in fact, he is contemptuous of other people.

 

Yes, this is exactly how I read the situation.  I think you described exactly how I felt manipulated by the situation.   He purposefully came over to me (went out of his way past others) to shake my hand.  He has never done that before in the 3 or so years I've had to deal with this.   In fact, it's not something anyone else ever does, so I couldnt' even say - well this is how we all do this at our parish.  It's not.  

 

To give more explanation.  We are in the choir.. I'm a soprano, he's a tenor.  He's on the opposite side of the choir loft and came over to me in the soprano area.  Even if I'd had no issues or history with him it was a very weird thing for him to do.   He was not walking around shaking everyone else's hands.

 

it sounds like he's escalating.  I would be very wary of this man.

 

please listen to your inner voice - and do NOT feel guilty for listening and ACTING on it!  God gave you that inner voice.   society has programmed women to ignore that inner voice in order to "be polite".   safety first.

[homemommy83]

I haven't read all the posts, but I agree this is absolutely a power play. I have two suggestions:

 

1) When he starts coming at you, suddenly have a coughing fit and cough all over your hands. Then "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry!" and stick your hand out to shake his. Do it every single time. "Oh my goodness! I just cannot shake this tickle--must be allergies!" I think he'll decide pretty quickly that it's not worth the effort. If he does, shake gladly and enjoy the moment :lol:SO FUNNY!

 

2) More seriously, when he comes at you with his hand out, just hold up your hand and say with a big smile, "Oh, no thank you! Have a good day though!" and turn and walk away. Be polite, smile nicely, but NO THANK YOU. Keep doing it. You're being friendly and polite, but you're setting and holding your boundary. LOVE THIS!

 

I'm all for being a good person and being kind to others, but that does not extend to letting people manipulate me over and over. Not even for things like church. You can be a good Christian and love your fellow man without letting him control you physically and emotionally. Nope. 

 

 

[regentrude]

So today we had a service and he was there.  Just before service started he came up to me and was standing very close with a big grin on his face and said "Hi Debbi." and put his hand out for me to shake.  I stood there for a moment.  He looked down at his hand like -"aren't you going to shake it?" 

 

If there was a history of him pissing me off before and it has been addressed: grin back and say "nope", turn, and do something else.

 

ETA: I get "annoying". I don't quite get "fear" in a public situation like this - what is he going to do? But if he is habitually annoying, you can be annoying him back.

 

 

 

Edited February 4, 2018 by regentrude

[PrincessMommy]

Let me start by saying that I like that you and your husband are supportive of each other, and teamwork is lovely... but I want to tell you that you are not a damsel in distress. You are a woman of strength and valor. You should be respected for the sake of your worth, not because of the presence of your nearest male relative.

 

Chivalry can be comforting, but it is also weakening. It has the potential to prevent you from ever learning to speak your boundaries and demand respect and dignity. It's like a life jacket -- it can keep you safe in emergencies, but it can also prevent you from leaning to swim.

 

Please do work on speaking for yourself. Your husband can help you best by mostly supporting you in learning to do that -- and by standing ready stepping in if there is a genuine need.

 

Thank you!!!

 

I agree completely, which is why I told my husband that I didn't want him to say anything just now.   Especially with this specific person, I think he needs to hear it from me first. 

 

OTOH, it can be helpful when a 2nd person confirms "Hey, she told you to leave her alone."

[Seasider]

How were things at church today? Any provocation from this guy?

[PrincessMommy]

How were things at church today? Any provocation from this guy?

 

He did not come.  

[gaillardia]

Most people can really guard their tongues, especially at church. There have been times where I had to excuse myself from a situation to avoid a confrontation (because even though I am reserved, seen as sweet and quiet, I can be nasty); where I have been abrupt and cold to avoid seeming like I am receptive to any contact from negative people, and this is all at church. 

I've learned to walk away at the right time, be actively engaged in a private conversation, and how to avoid eye contact completely. 

Praying helps too of course. I hope you aren't losing any sleep over this!        :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

Most people can really guard their tongues, especially at church. There have been times where I had to excuse myself from a situation to avoid a confrontation (because even though I am reserved, seen as sweet and quiet, I can be nasty); where I have been abrupt and cold to avoid seeming like I am receptive to any contact from negative people, and this is all at church. 

I've learned to walk away at the right time, be actively engaged in a private conversation, and how to avoid eye contact completely. 

Praying helps too of course. I hope you aren't losing any sleep over this!        :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

That sounds a lot like me.  I avoid and stay away as much as I can.  I have a veyr hard time saying what I feel so when I do it comes out quite badly and not very kind.  

 

Thanksfully, I've been sleeping okay through this.  I think processing it through writing it (here) helped my brain not to go into overdrive, which it normally would.