What does "restriction" mean to your family (for a consequence)

[BMW]

and "if" you use restriction??

 

Dh told son that if he did not start obeying his teacher at school (son was damaging school property (like writing on the desks) and disobeying some classroom rules and not doing his homework) that he would have to miss out on fun activities. I call that restriction. So, we got a letter from the teacher and son had lied about homework for 3 days (after the talk with dad) and so son had to miss out on family movie night.

 

I think he should not be included in fun activities for Fri-Sun. That way he knows that we meant it... Am I being a stickler?

 

And if he's on restriction, I think he should not be playing with toys, but should be sitting in a chair or on his bed and allowed to read only.

 

What is restriction? What does it look like if you use it for a consequence?

[Janet in Toronto]

Restriction (or "grounding" for us) is specific to the child. For our 13 yo, he loses screens (videogames, TV, computer) for the pre-determined amount of time (depending on infraction). For our older son (16) he loses social time (going out with friends, talking on the phone) and sometimes loses his cellphone. We have determined that these items are the leverage for the individual children. For example, younger son doesn't care if he can't go out with friends. Older son doesn't play videogames or watch much TV. Other than these things, the boys are welcome to participate in all family activities.

 

The key in my mind is to find the "currency" (to use Dr. Phil's word) that will make an impact on the child.

 

Missing family movie night may not be sufficient for your son to know you "mean it". I'm not sure how old your son is...does he have a favorite toy or activity that you could remove for a set period of time?

 

Janet

[SonshineLearner]

For us, it would be no reading, except if it's a book that I actually wanted read, and working on "hard chores". These would be things like moving bricks, stacking wood, ect. This would be for a certain amount of hours, done with a good attitude. (so in other words, NO sitting around:-) until after physical labor.

 

BUT, they would be included in family activities. More like grounded from their rooms:-) Anything that gets them moving around (chores) and not having "by themselves time" like videos etc. Also, they would be grounded from videos and such (except for if it's "family time") until their teacher said they were cooperating for a period of time. (And they would not be promised that it would only be restricted for a specific amount of time....) And, even though we would talk through it, they would be in the biggest trouble for lying. You can work anything out, if you're honest.... (at least in a perfect world:-)

Carrie:-)

[Pamela H in Texas]

What is restriction? What does it look like if you use it for a consequence?

 

We only use a restriction, the temporary loss of a previous privilage, if it's fairly related to the issue at hand. For example, rushing through work to get to play online would result in restriction of weekday computer time so kid could focus on their schooling.

 

In the situation you mention, a child would be restricted from extras in order to take care of the work they should have gotten done already, but after the work was done, they'd be unrestricted. If grades were low and it was a matter of bringing them up, then it would be for a set time either to get in the habit of studying or for the rest of that term. It depends.

 

Restriction of family ANYTHING would NEVER happen here though. I have a screen-time junkie who has had to have "total" restriction in that area in order to function a couple times. However, if the family is playing MarioKart, he is welcome to do that with the family. If we rent or go to a movie (extremely rare), he'd be welcome to watch it with us.

[Murphy101]

1 week in their room during fun activities such as movie night and no outside activities (car trips or riding bike with friends or whatever) no internet/phone use or electronics such as Wii or whatever.

 

We figure if it's worth restriction, it's worth making an empact.

And part of the restriction is they have to show improvement in whatever area got them the restriction. So in your case, he'd have a week to do better at school. If not, he'll face more consquences. If he does, the restrictions are removed with no ill-will and the expectation that he will not repeat the problem.

 

We don't do it very often. Like most such consquences, if used often, they become ineffective or it's a sign they were never effective to begin with for that child/situation.

[Confuzzled]

I agree that it differs with each child. With my daughter, we restrict social time with her friends. This would not have worked with one of my sons who spent all his time alone anyway. With him, we grounded him from "electricity" except for lights. He laughs about it now that he's grown but at the time it was effective. I've never restricted any of my kids from family activities, although I can see how that might work for some kids.

 

Kris

[AnnetteB]

Hmm, I like a natural consequences approach to behavior. His problems are at school and I would try to work with the school to have any discipline more closely related to his misbehavior. I'm ornery enough that I might offer to sit behind him and keep him in line ;) I would work hard to keep home his sanctuary.

[PariSarah]

. . . when ds10 was younger, we had a list of privileges or items that he would lose, in successive order. When he was younger, he lost them for a week, and the week would start over if we had to move on to the next item on the list. (So, if he lost #1 on Tuesday, then lost #2 on Friday, he wouldn't get #1 OR #2 back until the next Friday.) When he was a little older (maybe 7?), he started losing privileges for a month.

 

The list started with something modest but attention-getting (a particularly beloved toy, but it was still just one toy), and it moved up until, if he actually hit number 7, he would be left with nothing to do but stare at the walls. I don't think we ever got past 4, but during a particularly trying stretch of time, we did get to 4 two or three times in a three-month period.

 

I wonder if maybe you're taking too much away first thing--maybe if he lost only one category of fun activities first, and then lost more categories if the behavior continued? The trouble with taking away everything right away is that there's no motivation to be good during the period of the restrictions. What, like you can take away something else? he thinks to himself.

 

It's hard, because you've already named a certain consequence for certain behaviors. One thing I *wouldn't* do is allow the restricted child to bargain his way out of consequences he knew would happen. But if, for example, your dh meant one thing and you think he meant another, I think it's appropriate for "clarification" to happen even while he's still in the middle of restrictions.

[Kris]

and "if" you use restriction??

 

Dh told son that if he did not start obeying his teacher at school (son was damaging school property (like writing on the desks) and disobeying some classroom rules and not doing his homework) that he would have to miss out on fun activities. I call that restriction. So, we got a letter from the teacher and son had lied about homework for 3 days (after the talk with dad) and so son had to miss out on family movie night.

 

I think he should not be included in fun activities for Fri-Sun. That way he knows that we meant it... Am I being a stickler?

 

And if he's on restriction, I think he should not be playing with toys, but should be sitting in a chair or on his bed and allowed to read only.

 

What is restriction? What does it look like if you use it for a consequence?

 

If just missing out on family movie night would have made an impact on my son, that's what I would have done. Unfortunately, in order to get his attention, I always had to go "over the top" or he thought I wasn't serious. He's always had the attitude that what he wanted to do was worth the consequence, and yes, it was infuriating. Because of this, I also had to make sure that any consequence didn't make *me* more unhappy than it made him!

 

So "restriction" at our house meant things that he wanted to do, not things I wanted to do -- screen time, no friends for the weekend, that kind of thing. And one or two days was never enough. For cheating on a math test, he was shut down for a month. When he was in PS and told his teacher he didn't get his report done because he was too busy at football practice -- well, he didn't play football anymore.

 

It just depends on the kid. If you think the weekend will be sufficient, by all means! Unfortunately, my son would have been more than happy to give up his weekends if it meant he could mess around during the rest of the week.

[Parrothead]

For us there are degrees of restriction. If the misdeed was horrendous dd is grounded from all electronics, friends, outdoors and pretty much everything. This never lasts longer than 3 days because when she is on that kind of restriction, I am too to an extent.

 

Other misdeeds could mean restriction from all electronics, or friends or outside play or whatever fun thing is upcoming. That way she may not be able to watch TV or do computer but she can go outside and use her imagination. Or if she is restricted to the inside of the house she can have a bit of access to electronics.

 

For what you described the restriction should have a definite beginning and ending time and what is included. When the family is having fun time ds should be in his room by himself for the time between X and Y on Z evening. When his time is up the family fun should be ended.

[hsmamainva]

I've never put any of my kids on restriction.

 

There are times when they're briefly denied access to the computer or video games -- most of the time, this is the consequence of sibling squabbles while using said computer or video games.

 

I use yard work when one of my children is suffering from a case of 'bad attitude' or 'grumpiness'. That's when sticks are picked up, leaves are raked, weeds are pulled, the cars are washed, etc.