Question about divvying up chores among adults/teens

[Faithr]

Ok.  Here's the background.  I've never been a very good housekeeper.  I get by.  But my house can go months without a deep clean. I attempt to keep up with dishes and clutter.  Clutter is an issue.  Anyway,  I've also never been good with chore charts.  I had certain rhythms when the kids were younger but now the situation has changed.  So my oldest two children have moved out.  They were big helpers around the house.  My 22 yo son lives at home but he works full time, and will hopefully be attempting to go back to school (3rd attempt!).  He is immensely helpful in that he will go pick up the teens at night from various places.  I have bad night vision and can no longer do that unless it is very close by.  Dh often works late or is tired and doesn't want to go out again.  22 yo also does stuff like changes the kitty litter, takes out trash/recycling, runs errands, fixes stuff around the house, etc. I so appreciate how much he helps out.  His room is gross though.  But I ignore it, except once in a while where I insist and then he picks it up and vacuums it.  

 

My 18 yo is ASD and has never, ever, ever been helpful when it comes to cleaning.  I swear he just shuts down.  He's 18.  It's ridiculous how helpless he is.  I think I've enabled him into learned helplessness and he has milked it for all its worth.

 

My 16 yo dd can be helpful but she's also completely not interested.  When she's in a certain mood she's a dynamo.  But she usually isn't in that mood.  

 

We also have a woman and her son living with us.  She was completely destitute when we agreed to let her live in our finished basement.  She's a lovely woman but what's happened over the last 1.5 years is she's become our housekeeper.  She does it because she can't pay but she wants to give back something for taking her and her son in. She's a lovely young woman and her son is adorable and we love them both.  However, I feel like a stranger often in my own house.  Even if I am not a great housekeeper, that doesn't mean I want someone cleaning up after me all the time.  It makes me uncomfortable.  It makes me MORE lazy about the house.  It makes me hide in my room because I do not want to go out and see her scrubbing something that I had been thinking of scrubbing but not getting around to it.  I want to be a better housekeeper not someone who sits around eating bon bons.  When I had five young ones at home and my dh was traveling all the time, I did have cleaners come in 2x a month for several years.  That was great because it was only for 4 hours 2x a month.  That was then, this is now.  I don't want a housekeeper.  Well, maybe a couple times a year for special jobs.  Plus I feel like my teens need to learn to be responsible around the house.  They've become completely useless.  

 

Well, now the young lady has gotten a part time job, starting in a couple weeks.  She'll be working 5 hours a day plus she's got this very rambunctious adorable 2 yo.  She is not going to be able to housekeep for us all the time.  So I really want to use this opportunity to revamp how we do things.  I am not going to include my dh or my 22 yo son, but there are 4 adults/teens that should be sharing housekeeping chores: me, my 18 yo son, my 16 yo daughter and our house guest.  So how would you go about divvying things up???  I need ideas.  

 

Thanks so much for helping me think this out.

[fairfarmhand]

Perhaps think in terms of areas..person a in charge of dirty dishes. Person b does general straightening in living areas of the house, tossing people's items on their beds. Person c does floors. Person d does trash. Person e cleans bathrooms Etc. and the chores all rotate each week.

 

 

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[Rebel Yell]

With the guest's new job and your child starting school, it seems like a good time to just sit everybody down together and discuss everything, from schedules, to meals, transportation, cleaning, babysitting... Also, is this guest permanent, or is there an end date or goal for being in her own?

 

We took in a family of three when they moved to the area. We bought basic groceries, babysat their toddler for free. Weekend cooking and cleaning jobs were assigned, and it was expected that their paychecks would go toward security deposit and future rent- we extended their stay by a month or two, but due to the size of our home and family it had to be short term.

 

Anyway, let Guest know how much you appreciate her cleaning, but with her new job responsibilities you can't expect her too keep up her current level of cleaning.

 

So you decide which tasks you prefer to do yourself, which your family can do, and what you'd like her to help with. And ask what she especially enjoys doing, too. you need to feel comfortable in your own home, but if this is now her home too, you all need to be comfortable- you may need to just accept that she is going to scrub your floors or whatever, and she may need to accept that you prefer she do those big jobs when you're out grocery shopping, or before dinner, or whenever.

 

I couldn't sit and read a book while someone was scrubbing my kitchen, but I'd love to come home from grocery shopping to a scrubbed kitchen, KWIM?

Edited August 15, 2017 by Rebel Yell

[PeppermintPattie]

You sound exactly like the kind of housekeeper I am! And it is harder with older kids around - I found the younger ones to be easier to assign tasks to, and they had more free time.

 

I think I'd make a list of all the work that needs to be done and then sit down for a discussion, and then let people choose their jobs. For the gal who lives with you, I think I'd ask if she could give you a time that she will be cleaning for you so that you can treat it a bit like when you had cleaning people come in. I'm guessing that then you prepared for them and then stayed out of their way while they worked.

 

Just be careful to make the job list not too idealistic (yes, I'd love someone cleaning the baseboards every week, but not if it means that we get behind in doing dishes, for example). Also, don't let the younger ones think that your discussing it with them means that the work is optional. Maybe think of it more as a presentation by you. :) And I think I'd let people pick their jobs by the youngest going first and be sure to have them tell you when they will do each job. Post cleaning assignments and the schedule, and promise your workers that you'll meet again in a week or so to reevaluate. 

Edited August 15, 2017 by PeppermintPattie

[Faithr]

Wonderful advice!  Thanks all!  I so appreciate it!

[Faithr]

I just had to come back to update.  I am laughing/crying. . . . well, that's an exaggeration, but just to give you a taste of what I'm up against with our lovely, sweet, hardworking house guest.  I've spent days coming up with what I thought was a great plan that divided up the household chores evenly, made sense with everyone's new schedules, etc. etc.  So this morning, I called a family meeting and formally told everyone the new plans which I had taped to the kitchen cabinet door thereby promulgating them to the entire family.  After I went through the whole system, our house guest raises her hand and says in her lovely French accent:  I can just wake up at 5 before I go to work and clean the house for everybody! 

 

LOL.  NOOOO.  

[SKL]

This is not all going to happen at once.  I would ease them into it.

 

For starters, I have been trying to instill in my kids a "no new messes" rule.  (It works if I remind them about 50x a day, ha ha.)  It means when you leave your messy activity, you pick it up and take it back to your room or wherever it belongs.  You rinse your dish and put it in the sink or dishwasher.  You put away whatever you took out for cooking.  When you go upstairs / to your room, carry something that belongs up there.  When you come down, same thing.  Dirty clothes in a hamper, not on the floor wherever you were standing when you took them off.  About once a day, usually I go around wiping up the kitchen & bathroom surfaces and washing dishes.

 

I don't see anything wrong with paying someone to dust and vacuum periodically, but I do understand wanting the kids to learn this responsibility.  I would introduce that last, and just ask each kid to do one or two rooms weekly.  Those too young to do a good job with that can be responsible for pet care.  Maybe tackle one "big job" together on a weekend each month.

 

I wouldn't worry about big kids' rooms, as long as there isn't anything growing in there.  Maybe once or twice a year you could insist that they either do a deep clean or pay a professional cleaning service to do so.

[Rebel Yell]

Awwww sounds like maybe you need to have a one on one meeting with your houseguest. Let her know you aren't unhappy with her work and appreciate her very much, but that you also need the other people in the house to learn to pitch in too so you need her to step back from certain things to help them do that.

[OneStepAtATime]

I just had to come back to update.  I am laughing/crying. . . . well, that's an exaggeration, but just to give you a taste of what I'm up against with our lovely, sweet, hardworking house guest.  I've spent days coming up with what I thought was a great plan that divided up the household chores evenly, made sense with everyone's new schedules, etc. etc.  So this morning, I called a family meeting and formally told everyone the new plans which I had taped to the kitchen cabinet door thereby promulgating them to the entire family.  After I went through the whole system, our house guest raises her hand and says in her lovely French accent:  I can just wake up at 5 before I go to work and clean the house for everybody! 

 

LOL.  NOOOO.  

1. It sounds like house guest thinks this meeting was triggered by her going back to work.  She feels guilty.  You need to meet with her in private ASAP.  Be honest and explain very clearly that you really, really, really want the kids to learn to take responsibility and get some training on house chores.  They can't do that if she is always cleaning.  Be clear that while you appreciate all the effort she has put in, it is NOT necessary and at this point you don't want her to.  Don't make it sound like you are just trying to be polite and supportive of her change in job status.  You need to be very clear you have a specific purpose in changing things that, while it also takes into consideration her job, is actually about your own kids and your goals for them.  You would REALLY appreciate her just focusing on what you had listed.  Don't mention how she makes you feel uncomfortable always stepping in to clean unless you think you need to.  Make it about training the kids.  

 

2.  For you kids that are not used to this system, what might work is an apprenticeship period.  Approach it as them doing a training period.  Especially for the child with ASD, you may need to walk them through these chores (even if they have done them before and even if they seem simple and logical to figure out) several times.  Keep the schedule at the same time each day, doing the same things in the same order.  Praise and supportive criticism.  Positive reinforcement.  You want the chore to become part of muscle and procedural memory as well as just part of the daily routine.  That can take time.  

 

3.  You might consider changing the name to House Maintenance and take it from the approach that this is a team effort to maintain your home so everyone pulls their weight and shares in taking care of your abode.