Storygirl Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) It depends on what approach is actually being recommended by saying "they're not an egg" - laying down the law and protecting others? Or "being an ass back"? I got push back for the "uncompromising" view but it's actually gentler than some alternatives. The scene around a fifteen or twenty year old who continues to act this way is not going to be eggshell gentle for anyone. It's one thing if the kid really has no hope of meeting behavioral goals but kids who have the potential to do so need to be encouraged toward it for their own sake as much as anyone else's. Only the parent can decide how far to push but no, having a limit on how you will allow family members to be treated will not drive anyone to suicide. I hesitate to contribute any more to this thread, because I've stated my opinion. But I don't think you are describing my posts to you fairly. FWIW, I have no problems with a strict parenting style or setting boundaries. That is not what my posts were about. I have a strict parenting style. My point is that changing the parenting style is not a magic fix for many kids. You can have fabulous parenting skills and still have an oppositional kid. My other point is that when someone needs to vent about having a difficult kid, it can make things more painful for them when someone suggests that THEY are causing it somehow with their parenting. Especially when they already feel they are embattled, and when they did not share anything about their parenting style, so everything is an assumption. People could make many assumptions about me and my parenting, based on my child's behavior and the troubles that we have at home. And they probably have. And they are likely inaccurate. I'm very sensitive to the idea that parents are at fault for the behavior of their oppositional kids. At the same time, I am a proponent of getting help and learning new techniques. Edited July 1, 2017 by Storygirl 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) I hesitate to contribute any more to this thread, because I've stated my opinion. But I don't think you are describing my posts to you fairly. FWIW, I have no problems with a strict parenting style or setting boundaries. That is not what my posts were about. I have a strict parenting style. My point is that changing the parenting style is not a magic fix for many kids. You can have fabulous parenting skills and still have an oppositional kid. My other point is that when someone needs to vent about having a difficult kid, it can make things more painful for them when someone suggests that THEY are causing it somehow with their parenting. Especially when they already feel they are embattled, and when they did not share anything about their parenting style, so everything is an assumption. People could make many assumptions about me and my parenting, based on my child's behavior and the troubles that we have at home. And they probably have. And they are likely inaccurate. I'm very sensitive to the idea that parents are at fault for the behavior of their oppositional kids. At the same time, I am a proponent of getting help and learning new techniques. Funny but sad truth. I have two children, relatively close in age. I would get feedback about my oldest telling me he was a "bad boy" and then proceed to get (un)helpful advice about parenting. Then, not but a few minutes later, getting told what an exceptionally well behaved and delightful child my middle son was and how we must be absolutely wonderful parents and were "doing it right." And you know what? We ARE fantastic parents......but we have a challenging son because he has a disability. And we have had to change some of our methods because of that. And you know what else? We are better people because of it. We have learned to not be so judgmental and critical of our son, we are softer, kinder, and gentler parents than I ever thought we would be. We are also often exasperated and feel defeated......they aren't mutually exclusive. And the disabilities that are far more "obvious".....you would NEVER see someone commenting on the parenting skills as being the problem. Never. So people need to think about that before handing down their "behind the woodshed" advice. RANT OVER (for now.) Edited July 1, 2017 by DawnM 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winterbaby Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 I hesitate to contribute any more to this thread, because I've stated my opinion. But I don't think you are describing my posts to you fairly. FWIW, I have no problems with a strict parenting style or setting boundaries. That is not what my posts were about. I have a strict parenting style. My point is that changing the parenting style is not a magic fix for many kids. You can have fabulous parenting skills and still have an oppositional kid. My other point is that when someone needs to vent about having a difficult kid, it can make things more painful for them when someone suggests that THEY are causing it somehow with their parenting. Especially when they already feel they are embattled, and when they did not share anything about their parenting style, so everything is an assumption. People could make many assumptions about me and my parenting, based on my child's behavior and the troubles that we have at home. And they probably have. And they are likely inaccurate. I'm very sensitive to the idea that parents are at fault for the behavior of their oppositional kids. At the same time, I am a proponent of getting help and learning new techniques. Like I said, I was going off the provided information that all outings are on an eleven year old's say-so, plus the demonstrated behavior of calling a child dirty names. If my inferences are incorrect, my advice can be discarded and I already said that's the parent's judgment to make. I understand that there are children whose issues are so severe that the idea of starting to expect them to exercise voluntary control is a non-starter. But surely a child who is that bad off deserves even less to be called dirty names. I was a special needs child who was verbally abused so we all have our sensitivities. If feeling less obligated to indulge also means feeling less entitled to verbally abuse, to me that's a win, but again as I already said if my advice is completely off-base then it's not relevant. There's no need to come back at me multiple times to make me repeat that admission. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) plus the demonstrated behavior of calling a child dirty names Sometimes kids act like asses. There. I said it. Hammering on a parent of a difficult child because they described the child in unflattering terms is unkind and unproductive. Sometimes parents need to vent. And sometimes kids act like asses. Knowing there is a reason for it doesn't really make it easier when it's your day-in, day-out life. Edited July 1, 2017 by Haiku 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winterbaby Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 Sometimes kids act like asses. There. I said it. Hammering on a parent of a difficult child because they described the child in unflattering terms is unkind and unproductive. Sometimes parents need to vent. And sometimes kids act like asses. Knowing there is a reason for it doesn't really make it easier when it's your day-in, day-out life. So I guess we just have to disagree. I have a difficult special needs child and I don't use that kind of language. It's my painful personal experience that people don't always neatly compartmentalize what they say about, versus to, their children. Certainly, I hope I'm wrong about that much. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 Criticize the behavior, not the person is the rule in our family. If a behavior is rude/hurtful/etc. the child will be reminded to act more politely/kind/etc. The THINK acronym of "true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, kind" is something I stress in our house. Just because something is true doesn't mean it should be said if it fails the other criteria. I would not call my child with ASD an "ass" even if true because it isn't helpful or kind. Reminding her of the desired behavior, however does meet the THINK acronym Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 Sigh. Just to clarify, I don't call my SN kid, or any of my kids, an ass except on a message board he will never see, full of adults. I stand behind the description. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 Sigh. Just to clarify, I don't call my SN kid, or any of my kids, an ass except on a message board he will never see, full of adults. I stand behind the description. I get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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